Not for the first time in this conversation, Helena found herself wondering just how Pete could believe in her. But she'd been finding several people believed in her, so perhaps that was what she needed in order to help herself move on. To use their strength until she had strength enough on her own to stand up and follow her new path. "I need that belief right now, for I lack the belief within myself. Thus I must lean upon others and borrow their strength and belief until I stand strong enough to move on under my own power."
Let it go. How did one simply let their death go? "Even if I manage to move on from it, I will always know it will be waiting for me in our world should I ever return there. No matter how many times I or someone here tells me I'm alive here, my death will always be in the back of my mind. I will continue to relive it when I sleep. I know I will because even now, I still dream of Christina's death." Sniffling, Helena managed to take a breath as a thought occurred to her then. "The only difference is that now, I've started to face the pain Christina's death left me with. Perhaps it is much the same in regards to my death? To face the pain and the shadow it has cast upon me in this world. All I have is the here and now." And she also knew that any moment could be her last here. Her last in any world.
"It's beyond exhausting because I have struggled and fought for over a century and every time I feel that I've finally made up ground, something else happens and knocks me back further than where I'd started from. I will not simply give up because that's not the kind of person I am, but I am so very tired of all of this. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being tired. This is why I need you, Myka, Claudia and Emily. If I didn't have any of you, I would become the woman I was when we first met." Myka was the one who could talk her down from things, who could stop her, who could read her when she needed someone to see between the lines. Pete, as she was discovering, was one who carried pain that she could relate to, and she was seeing the road he had walked to get himself to where he was now, and she wanted to follow that road so she could be a better person. Claudia was the one who kept her mind engaged, always tantalizing her with new ideas and teaching her things about technology and modern American language that she had yet to understand. And then there was Emily, who existed only because Helena had lost her mind and the Regents had used the Janus Coin on her, the downside of which she'd experienced here. Emily, who was now a baby and bringing Helena's maternal side out, allowing her to feel that again, to remember that despite all of the horrible things she'd done and the toll they had taken on her, she still had some part of her that was untouched by that evil. Her maternal instincts would always be true and pure and untouched by her inner darkness.
"I want that life. I just want the chance to actually live my life without feeling the relentless call for vengeance. I want to live without bringing harm to those that don't deserve it. I just want the chance to be happy again."