River Tam is in your post confusing you (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} notmymemory) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} wariscoming,@ 2012-08-06 12:30:00 |
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What: River's trying to deal with the heightened emotions on top of the nightmares
When: Midday 6 August 2012
Where: Park
Warnings: Confused thought process, angst, self injuring
Status: Thread | In Progress
Everyone was agitated. The carnival had opened and things had gone wrong. Because people didn't listen. Didn't see. They didn't see what was going on and then they were hurt. Their own desires used against them. Luke and Mara were upset, worried. And awkward. Those who River could rely on to be calm weren't. She had tried hiding in the closet, Simon's blanket as a barrier and nothing. It didn't make the fear and anger go away. It didn't make the memories go away. The nightmares were poking at her. Poking and clawing and she just wanted them out. She slept at odd intervals and it was never peaceful. The pea kept her awake. It was uncomfortable and River had torn her room apart in search of it. The mattress was cut up but there was nothing in it. She had been told there was nothing in the mattress but she knew there was. She felt it. But when she searched, it was gone. They had taken it. Hidden it to make her think she was going insane. That was the game they were playing. How they got there, how they got past Luke and Mara, River hadn't figured that part out yet, but they had. They were messing with all of them.
After the earthquake, there was even more anger and confusion and it was enough to keep her up. Enough to make River need to leave. She knew Mara didn't like it when she went out alone, knew that she worried. She was protective but she was distracted. All of them were because people were hurting and there was fear. People taken. Allana's energy had felt different. Old and young. Scared and angry. She was all over the place. People had died only they hadn't before this. False beliefs that hurt people all the same. Lies being revealed. She was dizzy and spinning. The shadows kept taunting her, even though she hadn't been at the carnival since before it had opened. Hadn't been there since the shadows had forced her to go and see. Simon and her parents. Happy. They had their lives. The poking in her brain, the shredding... it wasn't there. But it would always be there. Because they had made her this way. They had chipped away at her soul. Chipped away at her sanity. She just wanted it to stop, was that so much to ask for?
Yes. Yes it was. Even what she wanted, it couldn't be. Because Simon had been sent away. Her parents not knowing where they were. Did they know what Simon did? Did they care. They hadn't come but Simon had and he was her family. And she was alone.
Having slipped out of the house, River wandered. Most people were unaware. They enjoyed the carnival. Enjoyed their lives. Complained about the heat. They didn't know the darkness that lurked in all of them. The ever present threat of death. They didn't know she was dangerous. They just saw a waifish girl, lost and confused. Maybe a little bit crazy. Who wouldn't consider her crazy when she was muttering and tugging on her hair? So they left her alone. Left her to her demons and fears. The amulet weighed heavily against her chest. The images in her mind from when she did sleep. The bar. The people she had hurt. The flashes from the Academy. The things they didn't want her to know. The things she couldn't make sense of because they were so locked away.
"Get out get out GET OUT!"
The comment was yelled at no one in particular and people seemed to give the seventeen year old a wide berth to avoid being infected. As if the mental anguish was something that could be contracted by being touched. By being in close proximity. So instead, River ran. Ran deeper into the park and found a quiet spot. Just the trees with all their calming. They didn't cry or hurt. They lived and stood strong. A discarded pocket knife on the ground. Tilting her head to the side, River picked it up, staring at it. In the far recesses of her mind, she heard the crew, telling her to put it down. Scared. Worried. But it wasn't what they saw. It was just an object. It would get it out. Everything.
Flipping it open, the teen pressed the blade into her palm. The memories weren't there, not really. But she could feel pressure in her palm. Pressure where the memories decided to congregate. She would cut them out. Cut them out and they would leave her alone. She would be left in silence and people wouldn't hurt her all the time by just feeling. She would be a normal teen again. She could dance and learn. Simon would have saved her and wouldn't have to worry if he came back. She just wanted it all out. So she cut into her palm, watching the blood, waiting for the darkness and tar of the pea to come out as well.