|Isabela has a heart of gold but don't tell anyone (queenofthesea) wrote in wariscoming,|
@ 2012-03-18 23:39:00
Who: Isabela...and possibly Anders if he left with her? Otherwise it works as a narrative
What: Normally Isabela can run faster than her problems can catch her. But this time, they got to her first.
Where: The Siren's Call somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean
This was one time when Isabela had waited far too long to run away before things caught up to her. She was still trying to desperately come to terms with Zevran. There was no possible way she would have him now, and she couldn't help but think maybe that was for the better. He deserved a father that would love him and be part of his life, not absent from it. This was, of course, that Isabela even allowed herself to get pregnant. As much as she adored Zevran, she really couldn't picture herself as being the motherly type. If he came to her fully grown all ready? Yes that would be fine. But having to go through the pregnancy and the baby years? Yeah, she couldn't picture herself doing that. She wasn't fit to be a mother. Some days she didn't feel like she was fit to be a human being. Oh she tried so hard not to care about anything remotely important. She tried to turn tail and run every time things got bad. But underneath it all? She did care. And that's precisely what her problem currently was.
Isabela cared about Jaime, though she didn't want to admit it. She wouldn't call it love, but she definitely had a fondness for him. To be specific, for the man he had been before Cersei had shown up. Maker, how she hated being torn. She'd always known Cersei was better than her, that she wasn't lovable. But the foreknowledge didn't stop her from hating Cersei. That was rather Isabela's problem was she was always jealous and secretly hateful towards those that always seemed to be happy. As much as she told people she was happy enough with the sea, she knew she was missing something in her life, but she didn't feel she deserved to be completed. Why should she? Hadn't her mother treated her like nothing more than disposable trash. Her husband treated her much the same. And people wondered why she had issues and ran away when things got tough. For a good few years, all she wanted to do was run away from her life until her husband met his end by an assassin's blade.
Leaning her forearms between spokes of the wheel of her ship, Isabela sighed heavily, keeping her eye on the horizon. While she was aware of her surroundings, Isabela's gaze was distant and sad. There really was no use hiding it anymore. She was broken, and she couldn't even hold up a facade to pretend she was fine. Which was precisely why she'd run this time. She refused to let people, especially Jaime, see her like this. She had to be strong, show him that she wasn't weak. So she would continue running until she could put up that facade. Until she could put her heart back together. Really, this place was horribly cruel. First giving her Zevran, then turning Jaime into an arrogant prick. But at least it had given her Anders. She could at least lean on that connection, someone that knew her and apparently didn't hate her for running off with the Qunari relic. It was comforting to know she'd gone back as she'd intended to do before she'd ended up here. But still, it was difficult.
Oh she was waiting for Justice to rear his ugly head. Or was that glowy blue head? She had a feeling Anders was wanting to pop Jaime one for what had happened, and she didn't blame him. She'd punch Jaime herself, but she couldn't face the man, not now. It had been hard enough for her to talk to him on the boards. Every word was like a new dagger to her heart. Especially how Jaime didn't even realize how much he'd changed and kept trying to say that Isabela was taking it out on Cersei.
"Bloody Maker, I need to stop this." Which was easier said than done. Isabela was horrible at fixing other people, and even worse at fixing herself. Fixing the wheel in place so the ship didn't suddenly change course without her wanting it too, she walked down to the main deck and went to the railing, looking down at the water as it went by. Leaning against the railing, she closed her eyes, wishing it was easy to forget her past, easy to forget people like Jaime that just reinforced all her issues with men. This was why she preferred women. Yes her mother had hurt her, but a woman had never broken her heart the way men had. A woman had never treated her like she was property when in a relationship. This was why Isabela didn't do relationships. This was why she didn't get attached to people. Yet once again, she went and got attached when she knew going in she'd never be loved. She could say that she'd learn from this and never let it happen again, but she knew she'd never really learn. She'd find herself in a situation like this again some day. Maybe ten years from now, maybe twenty, but she knew it would happen again. It really was just the way her life went.
Sighing again, Isabela held her face in her hands, trying her hardest to not start crying yet again. She'd been a sopping mess the past few days, and she hated it. She wasn't a crier, but everything was too much right now. She just wanted relief, something to make it all better instantly because she couldn't take much more of this. Isabela wanted her heart back and not feeling like a Mabari had shredded it.