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Svetlana Sergievskaya causes lyrical chess wars (thegirlisme) wrote in wariscoming,

It would be a self fulfilling prophecy, really, if they allowed themselves to be destroyed by themselves in an attempt to keep that from happening. In avoiding the situation until they were ready but having Molokov out there to play them so that even though they were trying to go about this in a way that they could handle, that was their norm, that was better for them to keep from hurting so much... By doing that now, they'd end up playing right into Molokov's hands and he would win. Again. They had managed to overcome everything this place had sent their way yet, even though there had been setbacks. Would they really allow the man who had ruined their lives to win yet again? Svetlana was so tired of him winning. He had won in their normal home and oh how he had won in that alternate reality she had been subjected to with him. She couldn't let him win, which meant she was going to work with Anatoly to control their own future. At least with one another and their daughters because while they couldn't control the Seal, they could control how the handled one another.

The microscope was always the hardest place for anyone to look at themselves, because it was there that all of their faults were laid bare. Or at least, those who knew what to look for would then notice them. Most tried to avoid seeing that darkness in them, that part of them they tried to keep secret from the world and even themselves. That part that hurt to the core because it was something no one wanted to admit to. Oh, Svetlana still feared the answer, but she knew the fear of looking at herself under the microscope, even as she had done so countlessly when Anatoly had grown distant and then defected. She had searched so desperately for what she had done wrong to push him away and lose him when she had always tried to support him. Oh he had been right in Bangkok, at least in a way. By the end, she hadn't understood. She hadn't understood how he could have changed so much and been so focused on a game and pride and fame when he had been such a shy man before, a man who stuttered and tripped over his words the first time they met. The man who always fell for the same trick and never realized what she was doing. The man who made her smile and laugh and hope and dream. She couldn't understand how he had changed so much, how she had been so wrong about him. She didn't understand why he had broken his promises to her and proven her right in regards to no one being around. And by that point, she had hated his success because it was that which had destroyed them. He had been wrong, of course. That she never had understood and always hated his success, but he was also right that she did at that point.

The fact remained, though, that no matter what she feared in regards to the conversation, they both knew she needed to hear it. She had pushed for the answer because she had wanted to understand and she couldn't run now no matter how much she wished to be able to. But her mind had been in no place to hear the answer and so the kiss had indeed been a necessity. Because it allowed her to focus on one thing and not everything plaguing her mind and heart. And because she was focused, she could listen to what Anatoly had to say and process it. See that he was being truthful. Oh, it would hurt and she knew it. But she at least would be able to know the truth after almost six years of doubt and questions and pain and heartbreak.