Svetlana Sergievskaya causes lyrical chess wars (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} thegirlisme) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} wariscoming, |
Despite her attempts to keep from showing how much she was hurting, Svetlana's breathing was quickening as she tried to keep from crying. She at least did turn her attention back to Anatoly. Because she wanted to know. What had she done so wrong that Anatoly had grown bored, had let himself be led so far. Oh, she knew Molokov had done everything in his power to keep him from her because Svetlana was the one who always reached Anatoly on levels no one could but he had let that happen.
"I know he kept you from me, but you let him keep you from me. You let him tempt you and feed your pride and destroy our family. Pride, it's always the pride. But if we had been enough, if we had mattered...."
Growing agitated, Svetlana clenched and unclenched her hands, running her fingers through her hair before she started pacing again. And so began that phase of breaking all over again. She had tried. But Anatoly had let himself be led away because he 'wanted something more' because they hadn't been enough. He let himself be in another codependent relationship for that same reason.
"What's to stop that from happening again!?"
And she broke. Her voice cracked and she quickly wiped at the tears that had fallen against her will as she paced more quickly. She didn't want him. But she did. And she knew that even if she threw him out, even if she ended it, she would never find love again because she wouldn't let herself. Because letting him go would kill the part of her that he had helped to awaken. That even if she tried to push him from her mind and heart, she never would and she would forget him when she died. That he would always steal her breath even when he shouldn't. How was this fair?
"What did I do wrong?" The comment was more to herself than anything and it was more than just why did Anatoly defect and leave her because of his pride. But it was to herself. What did she do so wrong that it felt she was constantly being punished for something she couldn't place the reasoning for. God the room was spinning.