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Svetlana Sergievskaya causes lyrical chess wars (thegirlisme) wrote in wariscoming,

Anatoly was right that they only way out of this conversation was to finish it. Because it was started and to just leave it would do even more damage than the words spoken, the memories running through her mind. Because to leave it meant that they didn't care. That they would let the pieces fall and stop working on it. If they could even work on it. Svetlana had thought they could. They'd made so much progress in the past eight months. Well, they could have made more were it not for the Seal and it's timing, the AU world that set them back so far that they were still coming to terms with what happened there. But at least they had been able to work on things despite seeing Chess. But now they were being forced to talk about things they weren't ready for, forced to talk about them when Svetlana was far too open to the world and she didn't know.

This was the worst way for this conversation to happen, though. Because no matter when they had it, it would break her. But if they had been able to go about doing this in the way that they usually did.... when she was prepared and able to handle things better, if it were their decision because it was time and not because they had no other option, it would still at least be better. She would still be hurting, but she wouldn't feel like she was about to collapse from the onslaught of emotions. She wouldn't feel nearly as tense and in pain from the rigid nature with which she held herself. The fact that her head was hurting and her vision blurring from the pain and tears she refused to let fall. The forced nature of this conversation was what made it worse. Because Svetlana had always held strong to doing things when she was ready. She set the pace for things and it had always worked. And those who tried to take that from her always ended up finding out just why you don't upset her. But she couldn't do that to the Seal. She couldn't even do that to Molokov. She felt sick. So incredibly sick.

And the worst part was, seeing the guilt on Anatoly's face reflected in the window just hurt Svetlana all the more. After all, they were the ones who held the ability to destroy one another. That was why they had backtracked in their progress in October. Because even when it had been the wrong form of her husband, that version of Anatoly had destroyed her and made her hate herself all the more than she already did for what had happened with Molokov and then the girls being shot while in her care. And she was hurting him and no matter what, even when she was broken and hurting, she never was the type to want to tear someone down just to make them hurt like she did. She'd sooner hold her pain in and march on until she was alone and could break but she couldn't. And the worst part was that she would defend him if it came down to it. If people tried to say it was just Molokov's doing, if he hadn't actually cared about Florence. Because the evidence was all there to the contrary and god she wished it was just that it was all Molokov's doing because it wouldn't hurt nearly so much as knowing it had all been Anatoly's decisions.

"It was your decision, though. All of it. What weren't we giving you, what wasn't I giving you?"