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Svetlana Sergievskaya causes lyrical chess wars (thegirlisme) wrote in wariscoming,

Svetlana had long since learned, never ask what could possible go wrong or happen next in a place like this. Because chances were, it would happen. So it was a good thing that Anatoly didn't voice his theories on what the Seal might throw at them now given it's perchance for throwing curve balls at them at dizzying paces that left Svetlana dazed and confused and lost and so very vulnerable and she didn't know how much more she could take right now. Three days and three different dramas. Logan. The arrival of the future children. The arrival of a daughter who hadn't been born yet... something Svetlana really hadn't processed. Nadiya was sweet, kind, happy. But the idea that they could get to a point where another daughter was possible? That was where Svetlana's mind stopped because she didn't want to hope in case that wasn't the future they would have. And now Molokov. And it wasn't just that he was there. It was that he had spoken to her, threatened her family, touched her and kissed her hand. Called her his sweet Svetlana and made her skin crawl. Svetlana couldn't ask what could possibly happen next because she couldn't deal with more than that.

Did Svetlana hate that they had to talk about this now? Yes. Because her heart was already racing and her breathing was already giving her problems from the panic attacks. Who knew where this conversation would go. Who know how long Svetlana would be able to keep hold of Anatoly's hand before her heart started to break all over again. Before she was forced to relive every pain and humiliation she had suffered because of his cheating and distance and defection. But it wasn't like they could put this off now. The topic was broached and not in the form of Svetlana raging at her husband because she was sick or because she was emotionally broken from being sent to the alternate world and dealing with the alternate version of Anatoly. They were calm. Well, she was relatively calm. But it was the one time the conversation had been broached where something didn't happen to change the topic.

Hearing Anatoly say they should start with her fever induced tirade actually shocked Svetlana. Truthfully, she didn't remember much of what she had said when she broke down. She remembered the pain she had been feeling, everything heightened from the fever and seeing it all play out in front of her. Still, she would be strong. She had to be. She had been weak so many times already. And much like when they had watched Chess, she was fine for the first part of the conversation. Of Anatoly saying that there were no excuses he could give to make the cheating okay, that he carried the guilt with him and that fame had changed him and that he knew that. But then it went to the defection and Florence.

Anatoly might have kept a hold of her hand to keep both her and himself grounded, but she pulled her hand free as he admitted that he hadn't even defected to be free of Molokov. Instead she just scoffed in pain, closing her eyes to keep the tears at bay. She was too emotionally drained to keep her walls up. They had already been thrown up quickly to be deconstructed violently to having to deal with Molokov in too short a time frame. But she wouldn't break in front of Anatoly. Even if they were at a more comfortable spot in their relationship, one where they could talk more freely, smile and joke even... she wouldn't break. Especially during this conversation.

"You defected because you were bored." Her eyes were still closed and she could hear both her husband and Molokov's voices telling her that he would leave her all over again when he grew bored. That he only went back to her because it was easy. She had told Logan that there had been no running back to Anatoly but was that so? She wanted to believe that she wouldn't just run back to her husband, she had told him Bangkok that she wouldn't crawl back to him but she had taken him back... had let him move in with her again.... was she lying to herself all over again?