Who: Leela What: Angsting post-Romana regeneration. Words cut deeper than any sword ever could, you know. When: Tonight Where: A room on the TARDIS. Probably one of the many empty storage rooms that used to be near the Infirmary but who knows where they are now. Warnings: Angst. Lots of it. Status: Narrative, but if someone on Team TARDIS wishes to find her, have at!
Despite having originally hugged Romana after she regenerated, Leela couldn't help but be hurt now. The initial adrenaline rush and shock of watching Romana get hit by a car and regenerate had faded, and now the pain of the argument had come back. Leela knew she shouldn't let the words get to her, but the War Queen had known exactly what to say to make it hurt. No matter how much she tried to tell herself she was over what happened with Andred, both before and after his death, she wasn't. Not completely. The wound was still deep and Romana had ripped the scab open again.
Leela was pacing back and forth not knowing whether to scream or cry. Either would help, either would do her good to vent. She wanted to stab something, or at least beat something up. While she debated throwing her knife at the wall repeatedly, she had a feeling the Doctor would be horrified about the knife marks. So she refrained from doing that, but it really would help if she could kick something. She needed to vent, to scream, to cry yet she wasn't doing any of it. She was just pacing and thinking and dwelling on the past. She shouldn't, she was better than this. Leela just needed to let it go and move on for good. But how does one truly move on and let go of that? She had loved Andred wholly and completely and he had loved her. Then he had died, or so she'd thought. The deception, the broken trust, she couldn't take him back after that. Even though she loved him, she could never trust him again, and so she'd wanted a divorce. Then she'd ended up in this world and Romana told her the rest of what had happened. Andred had been murdered by Romana's own hand under Pandora's influence. And the War Queen knew it and threw it all back in her face.
The War Queen had insinuated that she hadn't been sorry for killing Andred, but Leela had to believe she was. The Romana she'd known had regretted it. Leela had seen it in her eyes when she'd told her at the coffee shop. The War Queen was lying, trying to make her feel as much pain as possible. Because she knew it was hurting, knew it still hurt Leela for all her might of putting on a brave face and pretending it didn't. But she could discredit the part about Andred never having loved her. She knew he loved her. He had tried to win her back after his deception was revealed. But she'd been too proud, her trust lost forever because of what he'd done. No matter what he would've done, she would never be able to trust him again. Leela was the type of person that once her trust was lost, it was lost for good. And Romana had been so dangerously close to losing it. Perhaps she was still in danger of losing it because how could Leela be certain this Romana would be exactly like the one that had been here before?
For all she knew, Romana had only tried to apologize because of the post-regeneration confusion. Running a hand through her hair in frustration, Leela let out a frustrated grunt. She didn't like this. Romana had been her best friend, one of the only people on Gallifrey that didn't talk down to her just because she was from a primitive culture. And now she couldn't be sure what was a lie and what wasn't. Though she hoped that would become clearer now that the War Queen was gone and Romana was in a new body. Maybe there could be hope that Leela could finally put all of this behind her and Romana could still have her trust. But the doubts still swirled around in her head, and it made her feel restless.
Then there was the look the War Queen had given her just before she regenerated. It was one that blamed her for what had happened, for the fact that she wouldn't be the War Queen any longer. Perhaps it was true, that Leela was to blame for the accident. She didn't exactly try to stop Romana walking backwards towards the street. She also hadn't exactly tried to stop arguing either when she knew talking to the War Queen was futile unless you agreed with her views. That was one thing she'd learned quickly. Things would only be done the War Queen's way and if you disagreed may the higher powers protect you.
But the one thing that stuck with her the most was the use of the word "savage." It was one she'd gotten used to. The Doctor had always called her that when he was upset with her or talking down to her. Savage was such a harsh word, one she had come to abhor. Was that all she was ever going to be? Just a stupid ruthless savage? The Doctor had tried to culturize her, but she'd resisted. She'd learned how to write, even read a little. And sometimes she even wore the clothing of the places they visited on their travels. She had no understanding or reference for technology or anything outside of the simple life she'd lived on her home planet, but she wasn't stupid by any means. Leela was highly intelligent and was a quick learner. As long as she could relate complex topics to things she knew or put it in terms she understood, she would get it. But she always reverted to her basic instincts. She was always one to stab first and ask questions later, or never in some cases. Leela was brutal at times, acting like a barbarian, especially when eating but that was besides the point.
Perhaps no matter what she did, she would always be viewed as a stupid uncivilized barbarian. Perhaps the Doctor still thought that of her, no matter what he said. Maybe the War Queen was right. Oh how she longed to go back to her home planet, to return to her own people. Never before had she missed the forests of her home than she did now. Her tribe might not take her back since she had been exiled from them, but at least she'd be somewhere where she belonged, where she felt at home. Even in the twenty-five years she spent living on Gallifrey, it never really felt like home. She always felt like an outsider trying to carve a niche for herself. Maybe she should just find a jungle somewhere and stay there. It would be better than staying somewhere like this.
But no, the Doctor told her to stay in the TARDIS and she would. For now, anyway. She was one of the companions that would run off on her own sometimes, usually head first into trouble. But this time, she was too emotional to go anywhere. She glanced around the room just to make sure the Doctor, Romana or anyone else weren't there. When she deemed it safe, that she was alone, she leaned her back against the wall and slid down it until she was sitting. She pulled her knees up against her chest and buried her face in them and just let herself cry. She couldn't hold it in anymore. The War Queen's words had been too upsetting, too cutting. This was the only way she could vent her emotions. And perhaps when both her and Romana had clear heads they could talk.
And Leela sincerely hoped Romana wouldn't break her trust anymore than it all ready had been.