Elphaba isn't the wicked witch you're looking for (tothewesternsky) wrote in wariscoming, @ 2011-02-15 00:05:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | elphaba |
Who: Elphaba
What: Having a serious conversation with her dead mother. She may be a little crazy but IT'S HER SAFETY BLANKET, OKAY? CUT HER SOME SLACK. SHE'S HAD STRESSFUL TIMES LATELY.
When: The Witching Hour (aka midnight)
Where: Her room
Rating: PG at the most
Notes: TL;DR version: Elphaba's having it out about the things that have happened to her since she's been here. There's references to Jack Skellington, Galinda and Bonnie. But the main point, after a LONG DIALOGUE OF GOOD CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, is Galinda and her feelings for her. And why yes, Elphie does talk. A LOT. ALSO, Elphie reveals the names of her monkeys somewhere in the middle of this. SHE HAS NOT TOLD ANYONE SHE NAMED THEM. NOT EVEN GALINDA OR BONNIE. NO ONE KNOWS THEIR NAMES. And she has very specific reasons for not telling people their names.
Ever since Galinda had returned her mother's bottle to her, Elphaba had rarely gone anywhere without it. It was sort of a safety blanket to her, and it was the only connection she had to the only member of her family that had never treated her like she was a servant. Or at least hadn't gotten the chance to treat her as one. Elphaba had rarely ever spoken of her childhood aside from what she'd told Galinda all ready. It was a largely unhappy time that she would rather forget about. After all, she didn't want to think about her father's hatred of her or her sister's indifferent treatment of her. Sure, there were days when Nessa and Elphaba had actually acted like siblings, when they would share hopes and dreams with each other. But as they grew older, those times were few and far between. Their father spoiled Nessa rotten while he never gave Elphaba the time of day, except when he would yell at her to not use her powers or to not cause a commotion. That had always been a point of jealousy for her, though she would never say as much.
But her mother, now that was something no one could ever taint. True, she hadn't quite yet been five years old when her mother had died, but Elphaba did retain some memories of her. Most notably there was her mother's perfume. Because of this, she had thought her mother had loved her. After all, to remember that scent so vividly would require her mother being close to her for extended periods of time. The little green bottle that she now held in her hands was the only keepsake she had of her mother. And as such, she would often talk to it in the dead of night when she was awake and the most afraid and alone. Though as she spoke to it, she would pretend it was her mother she was speaking to instead of just simply talking out loud to herself.
"You know, mother, so much has happened since I last talked to you. I know I don't usually go this long without saying something, but things have been so crazy and I thought I'd lost your bottle for good. But Galinda gave it to me the other night. You remember Galinda, my best friend from Shiz?" A small smile curved her lips as she looked down at the bottle, her fingers fidgeting with the object. "I'm not in Oz anymore. I'm in a place called Kansas. Strangely, it's the same place that wretched little farm girl that killed Nessa came from." She sighed softly and glanced out her window. Elphaba really disliked midnight. For some reason, the darkness outside, especially on moonless nights, made her feel so innately alone and vulnerable. And that is why she had a tendency to talk to herself, to keep herself occupied. "I actually have friends here, and no one has judged me because of my skin color. I still find that strange that no one has done that, but it's a good thing. Apparently people here aren't as closed minded as the people in Oz were."
That is, everyone except Galinda and Fiyero. "I have struggled so much with my dark side ever since Fiyero died. I fight with it every day, I'm just good at not letting people around me see that. But there have been a few times where I have lost myself to it. Like when Jack left." Elphaba bit the inside of her cheek and lowered her gaze back to her hands in her lap. "Jack Skellington was his name. He did everything he possibly could to make me open up, to smile and feel good about myself. He made me meals, gave me flowers, wrote poetry. You name it, he did it. I refused to let him in at first. I didn't want to lose him like how I lost Fiyero. But everything changed when I'd found him buried in a grave. He'd been attacked and left helpless." She remembered all too vividly the anxiety and urgency she felt as she dug him out. And how his death-like appearance when she'd finally opened the coffin had broken any resistance to him she'd had left. "He was so lost within himself, and he looked like a walking skeleton for a few days. But I stayed by his side and helped him regain his strength and senses. I was developing feelings for him during that time, and I let myself relax around him. But as we know, fate is cruel and Jack returned to his world, once again leaving me alone."
Elphaba's one true fear in life was being alone. Even though she wouldn't admit it, she needed someone else to be there with her. Even if they resented her, at least there was someone around. It's why she never spoke ill of her family, or at least tried not to. If she had been alone, she knew it wouldn't be long before she ended up being the evil witch all of Oz had believed her to be. In fact, that's what had happened during the five years she'd fought against the Wizard. There had been many long, lonely nights where she swore she could feel her heart turning to ice. And when Jack had been ripped away, she'd immediately slipped right back into that mentality. After all, when he'd left, she had been alone in this large house, at least until Parker and Bonnie had come to help her decorate for Christmas.
"It was Bonnie that saved me from myself. I owe her so much. If it wasn't for her, I know there would be lynch mobs seeking me out right now. She was there with kind words and comfort when all I wanted to do was lash out and throw my rage and pain at the world. I know Galinda thinks Bonnie is replacing her, but Bonnie has her own place in my heart. Bonnie was really the first friend I made here, and it was refreshing to have someone that was removed from everything in Oz. She wouldn't judge me on hear-say, and actually listened when I talked. She actually kept me from going to jail when I caused a commotion by setting a bunch of animals free a while ago. You know how I hate animals being caged, and I lost control of myself." Elphaba glanced over at her two monkeys that were currently curled up together on her bed, fast asleep.
"I actually rescued two monkeys from that horrible place. They live with me now, and they're so lovable. I just wish they could talk, but they aren't like the animals in Oz. Animals here don't talk, though I still try to teach them to say something. I actually thought Melena spoke the other day, but she didn't." Suddenly, Elphaba stopped talking for a moment, realizing she'd never spoken her monkeys' names out loud unless she was talking to them. "I hope you don't mind that I named one of them after you, mother. The other one is Nessarose. It isn't exactly the same, but it was my way of having the two of you here. A sort of family that we always should have been." Elphaba drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She stopped fiddling with the bottle and looked down at it. "If I hadn't been born green, so many things would have been different. How many times have I longed to change the color of my skin? To be normal? You might laugh, I now have the ability to change my skin color. There's a spell that Bonnie helped me create that degreenifies me for a period of time. While that allows me to go out in public in this world, I find that I'd much rather stay green. I wouldn't want white skin permanently. I have embraced that this is how I am. I just wish that it hadn't come at the cost of your own life." She closed her eyes tightly. Of course, she well knew what Galinda would say to that. Galinda had been adamant that it may have been her secret, but that didn't make it true. But even so, she still felt as though it was all her fault.
After a few moments, she opened her eyes again, her gaze remaining on the bottle. "Mother, I have something to confess to you. I hope that you won't judge me for it, but I understand if you do." She licked her lips a bit. "I'm falling in love again. With Galinda. And before you say anything, I know. I really didn't see it coming, but there was a definite void in my life after I left her in the Emerald City, even though I never admitted as much to anyone, not even to you. I realized it the other night when she came up here to return your bottle to me. She told me a bit about her family and childhood, and she started crying, so I held her, and just wanted to make her feel better again. I held her all through the night. And I want to always hold her and be near her and protect her. She makes me happy, even when she is dressing me in pink." She quickly glanced at her closed door, hoping Galinda wasn't over-hearing this. Otherwise Elphaba would never live that last statement down. "Galinda is beautiful and her smile makes me melt. I love her, but I am so afraid to love her. What if I lose her like Fiyero and Jack? What if she rejects me? What if she ends up feeling weird and doesn't want to be around me ever again? If any of those happened, I know I would lose it, lose myself. I would become the wicked witch and no one could stop it from happening. That would be the one time when no one would be able to save me."
Elphaba rested her head against the window and sighed heavily. "I don't know what to do. I'm trying to take this one day at a time, figure out how to approach the subject, but I'm far too scared. I don't have the nerve to do anything. Not now." Even though talking out loud to someone who no longer existed was a little crazy, Elphaba wasn't crazy enough to think she'd get a response. The reason she had talks like this with her mother was to help herself feel better, to calm her inner emotions. If she didn't, she'd only get increasingly agitated and antsy. This was usually the only way for her to avoid pacing incessantly or doing something incredibly stupid. Elphaba had a tendency to keep everything bottled up inside until she was about to explode. She liked to think she was getting better at talking to people here, but there was still a lot that she wasn't saying. She still held a lot of secrets inside, especially when it came to Galinda. Of course she knew the blonde had a right to know about the things that had happened in Oz, it was just that Elphaba was so afraid that if Galinda knew the truth about things, the blonde wouldn't want to be around her anymore. "I don't know what would hurt worse, possibly getting rejected by Galinda, or telling her about the things I did in Oz and losing her." Elphaba knew she couldn't handle losing Galinda. There had to be a way that she could be able to tell Galinda the truth of everything and still be able to have her in her life. "All I know is, I don't want to lose her. I wish love was simpler, I even wish she all ready knew how I felt. Perhaps I'll get an answer soon for what I'm supposed to do."
After a minute, she stood up and walked over to her bed, sliding the bottle under her pillow. She then gently scooped Melena and Nessarose up and moved them to a different area of her bed so she could slide into it. After she got comfortable, the two monkeys, who had been stirred awake by the sensation of being moved, snuggled close to the green skinned witch. Elphaba placed gentle kisses to both of their heads, then rested her head against her pillow and closed her eyes. "Mother, would you approve of me and Galinda? I know I never expected to fall in love with her, especially after how we originally hated each other, but she has such a kind heart. And I need her light in my life. I don't want to be a cold-hearted person. No, I can't be that cold-hearted woman again. I just want to make you proud and have something good in my life for once." She cracked her eyes open and glanced around her room a little. "Something good, and something pink." She closed her eyes again and sighed a bit. "There's too much pink in here, I'm going to have to put it back to how it was tomorrow. But for now, I'm going to get some sleep. Thank you for listening, mother. I love you." With that, she fell silent and slowly began to drift off to sleep. She did feel calmer after talking all of that out, though she still didn't know what exactly she'd do about Galinda aside from taking things one day at a time. Perhaps some interaction they'd have in the future would give her the opening or answer she was looking for. But for now, she'd remain the silent lover.