Did he want her to call Lucifer back, was that it? Would that be better? Maybe it’d actually make things make sense if she was back to hating the world. Maybe she should let him go, finally end him and go back to her place at the camp with no one any the wiser. Dean would believe her over Lucifer surely. She could just go back and live out her life not thinking of this until something killed her. And something would kill her, she was targeted on all sides, Demons, Hunters, random other things that believed they could do well out of killing Ruby Winchester. And maybe they actually could. Maybe she’d stop fighting and let them. Be easy, just give in to it. Better that than giving into hell wasn’t it. Would he prefer that, would he rather she give into death than hell. Azazel and Lucifer. It’d be easier wouldn’t it? But the sad fact was he had a point about her Sam. He was so very lost. All the time. Maybe past Sam was right and he couldn’t protect him. She didn’t want past Sam in danger, he had to get back, had to make things okay with his Ruby if that's what he was promising her.
“I know how lost he is, don’t you think I can see it every time I look at him. The things he must see inside Lucifer’s mind, I can’t even begin to understand it, not any of it. It’s awful even to think about it and I just...” The demon blood, of course, it had to be hard for this Sam, so recently freed from its pull to even consider this future him ingesting it, with him locked away inside, experiencing it. But he didn’t understand. “It might make him lucid, just for a little while. Stronger, warmer than he’s been in a long time, is that so bad? Maybe it will make things better. You can’t know unless we try can you? Maybe he’ll be mine again, just for a while and you don’t know how much I need that. You don’t know the things I’ve done just for moments like this...Or maybe you do.” she added sadly.
“You don’t get it, part of me wants you to touch me, part of me wants you to grab me and kiss me and everything else that goes with it, But that’s just as wrong as him, you’re not the Sam that made that choice and he...he’s not anything anymore, he’s losing himself and I should let him go. I know I should. But Lucifer, he knows I can’t do it. That’s why he left Sam with me. I’d never hurt him, I’d never let anyone else hurt him. I’m the best person he can have on his side for keeping his vessel safe and he knows it.” She felt like such a failure every time she thought about it, or worse, a traitor. And she hated seeing Sam look so hurt. Any Sam.
“You need to be warm. You need that, come over here.” she told him, swallowing her worry and her anguish and turning back toward him, arms open if he needed her, but he kept up the apology. Telling her he was sorry for what this him had done. Telling her if he got home he’d make sure the Ruby she kept locked down never had to go through it. It was a nice thought. It was such a nice thought and if he could do it. If he could go back, change things, everything would be better. Everyone would be happy again.
“I’ll help you. I don’t know how but I...”
No, no no this wasn’t fair. Would she have to tell him no for the blood as well? She didn’t want to do that? She could never tell him no when he was hurting and cold and scared. And she knew her Sam was all three, and past Sam was losing his grip. All his talk of fixing things, changing how things were, would vanish if he couldn’t hold on. And her Sam would want his promised blood. He’d want the warmth and the affection and everything that went along with it. If she was honest with herself she wanted it too. He’d get inside her mind, use his power to get right to the demon within and make her feel loved like she hadn’t felt in years. Dammit why was she so weak. “Sam...Sam, look at me, who are you now? I need you to talk to me.” she said moving in closer to him and running her fingers along his cheek and across his lips. “Baby are you okay?”