This was complicating things more than she’d ever wanted but what could she do. It was weakness of the worst kind but it would keep him safe with her, warm like he wanted. Content. And he would be able to look inside of the shell and see the real her, he’d wrap his mind around her like he’d used to and it would be amazing. They could have each other, just for this little time and it would all be worth it. Everything would be worth it. Even the horrible gut wrenching stuff would wind up being worth it cause that's how life had to be now. Take your happiness where you could find it. And Ruby knew well that Sam needed this, craved it. Craved her and the warmth and comfort she could give him. She wanted to do that for him. He deserved that. And what did the addiction matter. Lucifer surely wouldn’t be affected by something so mundane. It really would warm Sam up like nothing else would. He needed the blood, craved it to feel warm now, rather than for the power. But it seemed he needed a little convincing. She could do that no problem.
But Oh he remembered it, how it felt. Of course he did. That would actually make things easier if she was right. “No baby its not wrong. It would have been once, before the world fell apart, but not now. Not here. It’s right here. It’s allowed. Just you and me and the blood. You can feel like you used to. Think about it” He raised his hand to show her where to cut and moving to her wrist but he didn’t touch her. Not yet. He seemed scared to, and the heart that she didn’t think could break any more managed to find more pieces to shatter into.
“You can touch me” she told him, tears brimming in her eyes. “You don’t need to worry about that or feel guilty or anything.” she told him unable to really fathom that they had come to this. It wasn’t fair. It was cruel. But then the world was cruel now, wasn’t it. This was what they were now. This was the best she could hope for? A husband that was terrified to actually touch her lest he do something wrong. But there were no rules about him touching her. None at all. She just wanted some time with him, was that too much to ask. Was that wrong? She didn’t think it was.
“Yeah” she told him, holding the knife to her chest, “You’ll be warm. You’ll be happy for a little while and you’ll be with me like you’re supposed to be. We can just stay like that all day and all night can’t we, just you and me until...” Until Lucifer came for his vessel. Took it back, and Ruby stood by and let it happen. It ate her up inside on so many levels, but what could she do? The world was what it was now and there was nothing anyone could do about it. She prepared to make the cut so he could drink, entwining her fingers in the ones he had pulled away from her, with a small smile. She’d missed touching him, kissing him. She’d missed her husband, and now, finally she could have him back with her. When he started rambling again though, Ruby could have kicked herself. He’d been on a level. Content, ready to drink from her and warm up. He was pulling at his hair having untangled his fingers from hers saying he didn’t want to hurt her. That he’d ruined her, is that what he thought, did he think she was a ruined thing?... “No, Sam no, please don’t...please just stay with me here okay. It doesn’t matter about the past now. It doesn’t matter what you did, you didn’t ruin me, don’t think like that I...”