Sam had been ready for Ruby to let go of his wrists and slide off him. In fact, he was already encouraging himself to play nice, to take some time out and savor what little time he had left with Ruby before he went and handed himself off to his death. Sam may well have been angry and disappointed in Ruby for crumbling and doing as Lucifer demanded, but that didn't mean that he wasn't allowed to miss her or want to be with her, even for a little while. Sam would be her husband for the next few hours. At least, he'd try to be her husband. He couldn't make any promises with the way his mind operated most of the time. Shoulders pressing against the ground, Sam readied himself to get up and back onto his feet again. Yet, rather than letting him go as Sam had expected, Ruby instead tightened her grip on him even more. Did she not want him to...?
Maybe you wouldn't be cold if you drank from me. Demon blood. Ruby was offering him her demon blood. A very large part of himself suddenly began to ache desperately. The blood would give him warmth. Comfort. It would make him feel less jittery and paranoid and weak. He felt so weak. Sam hadn't tasted Ruby in such a long time, but he could still remember how it felt to be powerful. To be able to touch Ruby deep down inside, feeling out nothing but her. Tainted, but at the same time it was all Ruby. What she was. Who she was. Sam ached for that feeling again, to know that she was still the same demon that he had fallen in love with five years ago. Sam needed to feel her. His soul reaching out for hers, being close...
When Sam had been able to touch Ruby like that, he had felt whole. It was such a far cry from the way that he felt now that Sam couldn't even think of a reason to put up any sort of resistance. Why bother? An addiction to something terrible wasn't even an issue for him anymore. He was practically dead already and the chances of him coming at Ruby for another taste ever again...
"I remember," Sam whispered, attention going to the knife that had been pulled from her boot. Just like before. Some things never changed, did they? Not even the apocalypse could change that. But what about the way he felt when he was with her? Would that still be the same? Sam yearned to find out. "It's not wrong. It's not. I can't get addicted anymore if I'm not...no one'll ever know...can I have it? There?" Sam lifted the arm that Ruby had freed and pointed out a spot on her chest that the red dress Ruby had worn hadn't been able to cover. Then Sam reached for the hand that was holding the knife. He got in close, fingers nearly finding Ruby's wrist, but Sam didn't touch her. He didn't dare. Nervously, Sam dropped his arm back to the ground and tensed, eyes guiltily dropping downward. Did she want him to touch her anymore? Was he allowed to? Being around someone else, being in control of his own body again...Sam honestly didn't know what he was and wasn't allowed to do anymore. It had been so long.
"I won't run away," Sam promised quietly. "I'll stay here with you, okay? We can make me warm and I'll stay with you." He understood why Ruby was doing what she did with Lucifer. That didn't mean that he had to like it. But, right now, Sam wasn't going to attempt to give her another crazed jumble about why he thought that was wrong and stupid. He had her blood on his mind. Something to make him strong and warm and better. It wasn't a cure-all for everything that he had gone through, nor would it magically make all of the pain go away, but it would be better. And Sam needed it to be better, at least for a little while.
But then, of course, Ruby said something that made Sam's desires flatten. He had broken her heart. Her heart. Need was quickly replaced with sorrow and Sam soon found himself needing to hide again. "I'm sorry, I didn't - I never wanted to...you had to have known, Sam. Don't pretend you didn't. Did you think that you could just walk off and say yes to the Devil without ruining her?" Sam slid his fingers into his hair and grabbed at it, pulling hard. "How could you? She was yours and you threw it away and -"