Then he admitted it, weakness. She wasn’t used to thinking of him as weak, she wasn’t sure she could, even now. He wasn’t weak he was just naive. Maybe he’d thought he could fight it, maybe that was it. He truly had believed he was strong enough. But at least he was telling her that she wasn’t second to Dean. It sounded good not that she was entirely sure she believed it. Caught up in his own pain, that's what he was saying. But why hadn’t he just confided in her, or in his family. What had been so terrible that he’d gone running to Lucifer? She didn’t understand, maybe she never would understand. But he was still ranting, raving. When he said ‘your fault’. Did he mean her was that it? Or did he mean himself, or Dean or whoever the hell he was talking to. She never knew anymore. How was she supposed to know?”
Of course then she figured it out. What it was he had in his head, what he was thinking. “I don’t hate you Sam. You made a mistake, a...crazy mistake that could cost humanity everything but I love you. I have for a long time and that doesn’t just go away. I’m not going to kill you and I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to honor the vows I made to you. I’m going to be your wife because right now I think you need someone to be there for you don’t you. In your corner. And maybe this is the best life we can have and maybe that’s unfair. But its what we have.”
Ruby loved him. And if that meant dealing with the moments of crazy and the crazy guilt then that was what she would do.
“Can I let you free Sam? You’re not going to betray our love and leave me all over again are you?” she asked. It was bitterness again, and it was using his emotions against him, but he’d just have to get over it. “You don’t have to be a hero. You just have to be Sam okay? Can you do that; don’t I deserve that, just for today? That’s what I want.” It wasn’t entirely nice how she was acting, the things she was saying were unfair in many ways, at least in her opinion. He thought he was weak, some kind of monster because of the choice he’d made. “You’re not a monster, but you do owe me today. If you loved me, you’d give me today. You’d stay with me and not try to run away. Not hurt yourself. We have to play his game Sam, cause that’s the only option we have left, don’t you see that?” She had always laughed at the phrase ‘cruel to be kind’. It had sounded like such a stupid concept. But she’d found her understanding of it, maybe through the selfishness he considered her to have now.
She’d take selfish if it kept them both alive for a little while longer.