At least he knew, she supposed. It meant something that he knew. He was still apologising for hurting her, and they weren’t getting further with where they needed to be. He knew where they needed to be and he hadn’t given her that yet. And, dammit he’d gone off at a ramble again. Other kids? Did he think he was a kid now, that young boy he had been once with dreams of a life other than what he’d been born into, what Azazel had made him ready for? Was he remembering disappointing John? Her poor boy, he looked so worried, so confused and it was tearing her apart just to witness, maybe she should just tell Lucifer to come back, take him over because it would hurt her less. She could go back to the camp and act like nothing had changed, tell Lucifer no, Dean would never believe him or Azazel about her, he’d trust her and she could go out a hero at the very least. But no, no it would hurt himmore and she didn’t want that either. She supposed that was caring like he’d said. If she couldn’t even kill him how did she think she could even hurt him by calling Lucifer back early. No, this was what she had wanted, much as she worried about him, much as it hurt her to think of how lost he was.
He seemed to know right away what she’d been thinking though. He knew her so well sometimes. “Thought about it, even tried.” She admitted bitterly. “But you did this...you’re the one that broke me don’t you get it? I didn’t care about humanity, about anything and it was easy. Then along came you and you made me love. And now, I’m just this...weak ineffectual...” she trailed off, not knowing how to finish. He’d made her broken. And for a long time she’d been happy he’d done it but then he’d gone and left her and all that ineffectual love now seemed pointless and surplus to requirements. Ruby didn’t need it. Didn’t want it. But here she was stuck with it. “I wish I could unlearn it now. I only had it cause of you, these feelings. And you did this to me. You know you did and you can’t even do something for me now, can you?” The mention of Azazel of course filled him with fury, and there came the ranting, all the ranting. “Yeah...he did, he killed your mother. Pinned her to the ceiling then ordered Brady to do the same to Jessica. And twice you got to see the final moments didn’t you. The flames, tearing your life apart. I know what he did Sam. Of course I know, but then maybe, don’t you think it would have been sensible not to give in to his plan for you. Not to say yes to the thing he worships like a god? Because it means everything you feel, all your hate for Azazel is hypocritical now. How can you blame him for ruining your life when you gave in? You stopped fighting. So shut up and stop struggling”
“He really only did so much to you Sam. He started to make you this way then I took over didn’t I? Do you remember baby, do you remember how I taste? Cause I remember how it feels. I remember how much you crave it? Did Azazel make you give in 20 something years on, or was that me? The demon that loved you. The demon sent to make you ready until you ruined her. Never gonna be the same again and that's on you.” she told him furiously before his next words reached her ears. How was he doing this to her, how was he able to turn her from anger to fury in one fell swoop. The tears were back, he was remembering that night. Their very first date where he’d told Ruby that she deserved to be respected.