Sam was falling back into his pattern of fantasy and memory. The things that had kept him alive while inside Lucifer's grip when everything went cold and painful. It was a habit he couldn't shake, even if he wanted to. Fortunately for Sam, he didn't. "It wasn't 'cause you were second," Sam told Ruby honestly. "My decision had nothing to do with Ruby. It was all about me. Is that what she wants to hear, you think? I broke. I'm weak. I'm more pitiful than any demon she'll ever meet on the rack 'cause Lucifer got to me when I was too caught up in my own pain to give a damn about anyone else's." Honesty. There it was. Sam hadn't meant to let it slip out, but it had. He wasn't talking to Ruby though - it was Dean. All in his head, just like everything else. Maybe even Ruby herself, here and now. Maybe she wasn't even here at all. "It's your fault! No, it's not. I know. I'm sorry, I know. I let you down. I'm weak. I let everyone down." Sam laughed bitterly, his heartbeat picking up considerably when he forced himself to meet Ruby's gaze with a cautious one of his own.
"So now you know," Sam told her in a deflated tone. "I'm not a hero. I'm not strong. I cast you and everyone else into the fire and I didn't think about anyone else when I did it. I don't want you to hate me, but it's better that you do. Kill me. Leave. Do what you have to. Just.." Sam closed his eyes. He couldn't move, anyway. Might as well just close them and hope that he didn't have to see the look on her face when she processed everything that he had told her. The anger, the disappointment, the betrayal. Sam was no better than any monster he'd ever fought before. In fact, he was much worse. Monsters protected their own. They didn't step aside and help the Devil destroy them. "I can't pretend for you, Ruby. I can't pretend if you hate me."