Sometimes he broke her heart when he could be normal, when he focused himself enough that it was her husband just for a little while. It was those moments she craved of course and just that, just that tiny little glimpse was enough for her to know that on some level however wrong she was doing the right thing. Sam was still in there, hurting, twisted up inside, broken and rebuilt and broken all over again. But he was there. He’d shown that to her and Ruby would cling to that because she had to cling to something. It was just him, that's what he’d said to her. Just him, but it was more than enough for her. The heartbreaking thing of course was how simple it all was, from the madman to the Sam she knew in such a short time. He was walking a fine line, had been for a long time and now it was her job to help him remember. He had to remember. She knew as well though that it would be best to hide the upset. Hide what this was doing to her. He didn’t need to see that.
Asking her to kill him though, that was beyond what she’d expected much as she maybe should have. And she couldn’t. She couldn’t do it. More to the point he should know that she was too weak to hurt him. Of course she was. He was still the very best of her life and he was asking her to kill him? “No” she said sharply, eyes darkening at the very thought of it. “No its too late for that even if you’d believe I could ever have killed you. I gave you so much of myself Sam and this is what its come to. That’s not fair, you can’t just ask me that...” He touched her shoulder and she nearly cried all over again, just the contact, simple contact but not cold like Lucifer was. Sam was warming up, he was becoming himself again if only for a very short time. It was all she had of him. “Nothing’ll save everyone now” she told him. “You see it, you see what he made the world. You see all the pain, all the suffering and death he caused and you want me to add you to the list. No, I’ll kill hundreds, thousands just for these moments with do and I’ll do it because you left me with no reason. Nothing beyond that its Dean. That you did it for Dean and that’s not good enough. Not on its own. Dean wouldn’t ever have wanted that for you. Don’t you see, don’t you get it at all? He was still so angry about what she had returned to, blamed himself as wel as Lucifer.
Well good. He should.
“There’s no home, there’s no...there’s no fries, I can’t eat them anymore without it turning my stomach cause everything that’s left is a lie. You’re not going home Sam. This is all you have now, this place, and me, because if I even think about anything else, that's it for us. Forever. And I won’t let that happen.” He curled back into the door and she could hear him, just barely and just cause she was a demon and had better senses. Sam was crying. He was crying because of all of this, because of them. Because she wouldn’t end his life and destroy hers so that the world could rebuild. Screw the world. It hadn’t ever done anything for her before Sam, why should it do anything for her after him?