InsaneJournal

She really really didn't want to do this. It was all in her past, she'd moved on, gone on to find herself away from being a demon or a girlfriend or...well she'd never quite managed the wife bit. She'd discovered who Anya Jenkins really was and she'd accepted that. Of course the dying had been unexpected. But she'd stayed and fought with her friends, strange as the concept was to the thousand year old ex demon. When the Mayor had attacked Anya had run for the hills but she'd come back to Sunnydale and fallen in love. And even now... Stupid man and his stupid ability to make her completely ridiculous and worried and flustered at what to say. She knew Prue was right and she had to tell him all of the truth. About the frat boys, about fighting Buffy about Hallie, and becoming human again.

It hadn't been her finest hour.

Still, at least he knew about the sex with Spike. It might have been harder to get him to look at her like something other than a slime demon if he hadn't. He was from when they'd fought Willow. Anya had helped then too as much as she could. It hadn't been a fun experiance. Vengence Demon or  not Willow had been scary and veiny and broken inside. So broken Anya would gladly have given vengence to that Warren if Willow hadn't done it herself. But Xander had fixed her. Made her....well he hadn't made her not-broken. But he'd done something, just been there, been him. He was always just him. Just kind like that, sweet and always a presence designed to make everything better.

And now she had to hurt him all over again with her story.  Because for a while he hadn't been the one to make everything better. He'd made things confusing and her heart had hurt. She'd gotten lost in the vengence, and what happened on their wedding day hadn't been his fault but it had happened. She didn't hate him for it now but she had then. She had so much. And then there was this place, he was here, and he was Xander and he was wonderful and sexy and maybe there had been other women. Less crazy, less former demony women. Women that she wasn't sure she wanted to know about. But thinking about those made her heart hurt more so she didn't. Instead  she found herself outside his door, bearing the chips and beer she knew he would need to make this conversation less painful. Xander liked when there was chips and beer. Simple pleasures. She knocked sharply, a knock she was sure he'd recognise as her. "Xander, can you let me in please. The bag is heavy." She paused, worried that maybe the knock wasn't enough, it had been a long time after all. "It's Anya." she added with a false brightness to her words. She was worried about this.