Sam pushed his fingers through his hair and sighed. He didn't like this. Having to hide himself away under Martha's supervision made him feel both childish and incompetent. It was an annoyance at best - a necessary one - and he wanted to do nothing more than call this entire thing off so that he could return to his apartment and be with Ruby. What he wanted, however, was nowhere near what he was supposed to be doing. And because of everything that he had done lately, Sam knew that doing what he wanted was out of the question. He couldn't go find Ruby. He couldn't drink her blood. Sam had to stay here in this crappy, tiny motel room with Martha questioning him and pushing pills and God only knew what else down his throat in hopes that he'd recover from his addiction sometime soon. Sam wished that he could have gotten angry at Martha for his being here, but he knew that this was far from her fault. If anything, he should have been grateful to her. He was grateful to her. She was doing him a big favor and her open-minded stance on all that he had done was more than Sam could have ever asked for. Sam could only hope that her methods brought on satisfactory results soon; he didn't want to waste any time in getting better. They didn't know how much time they had left to live. Lucifer was out of his cage and no one, not even the Winchesters, knew what was going to come next.
Plopping down onto the edge of the grungy looking bed he'd been sleeping in for the past couple days, Sam leaned forward and ran his hands over his face. "I'm thinking about her. And her blood. And -" Lucifer. "- it's all I can think about. Doesn't make this easy." Sam dropped his hands down onto his legs, fingers tapping anxiously against his knees. "I wish that there was a way to just...to shut it off. All these thoughts. But there's not, is there?" It wasn't like he could take Ruby off his mind. She was the one he loved. One didn't just throw something like that out of their mind. It didn't work that way.
He could have walked out that door. Martha might have been a problem for him, but something told Sam that he could probably take her if he needed to. He could have walked right out, went straight over to Ruby and his apartment, and then...then nothing. Nothing would have happened. Because Ruby wanted for Sam to get better. She wanted Sam back, didn't she? The Sam that she loved. Not the one who would have drained her within an inch of her life without thinking twice about it. Because that was the Sam that Ruby had known last. That was the Sam who had unintentionally hurt her in his desperation for the demon blood. Sam wouldn't hurt her again. He wouldn't hurt anyone again. It was why this was all so important. Sam needed to get better for them; more importantly, he needed to get better for himself. If the world truly was going to end, he wanted to die with the people that he loved. That wasn't about to happen if he wasn't even halfway able to see any of them right now without coming off as a complete and total freak.