Thing was, he was telling her that was okay. She didn’t have to be the same. He didn’t love her any less for not being able to give him that normal life And even though what he said about Azazel hurt her, confused her. She knew all he wanted to do was help her. It got to her all the same, how he talked about him, she understood, of course Sam hated him. She knew why of course. But the rest of it, Fuck, she could still see how angry he’d been, the hallucination. Calling her a traitor. Telling her it would never work out with Sam, that it couldn’t because of what she was, no matter what masks she put on. But that was before she’d been honest with him.
“He’d have hated it. Me and you. He’d have stopped it. The fact that its love. He wouldn’t have understood and he would have called me weak just like Lilith did. He hated failure. He didn’t abide it and that would have been failure. I’d never failed him before. Not ever. I even helped him punish the ones that did. When he controlled hell...it was ...unless you were one of his then you did his bidding anyway or you suffered, they called him a tyrant but those were the ones too inept to keep on his good side. But things have changed, I do know that. And I’m yours not his. Not anymore. Even if he was here, I’d still be yours. I just...I know I shouldn’t still feel loyal to him but its a hard habit to break. It probably always will be. I don’t know how to make that feeling go away. I don’t know what I’d be if it did. It made me so angry when he died. All I wanted was to see Dean hurt for it. But that's wrong. I know that's wrong. I know why he did it and maybe now...maybe if the danger was to you I’d even...” No, no she wasn’t thinking that. She refused.
Ruby let herself relax against him, she was still freaked by the whole business, still worried for the man she loved, what with the blood and everything else, she would continue to be worried, but he needed it, and she needed him so for now at least they’d keep it up, he could be so careful, she could make sure to give him only what he needed. It was best like that of course. As for the rest of it. “I want to be worthy of you, I want to be what you deserve and I thought, I assumed that was to be like her. But I can’t. I have to be me, and I know you love me.” They were a Hallmark Movie, life lessons and all the sorts of crazy that came with it. “I won’t avoid you again okay. I promise. I won’t ever do that again. I’ll come to you and we can talk. I just got so scared.” He told her made him proud, prouder and prouder every day and honestly, she didn’t know what to make of that opinion. She could only tell him what was true. What she felt. “I love you. I love you so much Sam, and you have to understand, that’s gonna sometimes make me irrational, maybe even dumb, I’m gonna have to work at believing I’m worthy of you. But I’ll let you help me through and we’ll be stronger alright?”