She nodded as he talked about the plan, much as he hated it, he understood it. “Yeah...I had to do ‘whatever it took to keep you on the path’. I was to train you, make you strong with the blood and then get you to Lilith. I was supposed to turn you and Dean against each other so you’d be alone. You’d walk away from him for me. But I couldn’t have. In the end. I couldn’t do it.” She explained it all and he started again. Saying awful horrible things, saying that she’d turn away from that loyalty. She didn’t like to think about it. Thinking about it made her remember. “I was sick, with the fever remember, seeing things...I saw him Sam. I kept seeing him, and he told me I was failing in the mission, getting to close. Loving you. Betraying him. It was a hallucination, but it got to me. It really did and even thinking that now...He took me out of the pit. Picked me out of so many, and you don’t know Sam, you don’t know what getting to go topside means to a demon. I was at his side, loyally, willingly as he ruled hell, they called him a tyrant, and oh how they hated me. He gave me that. And I know how messed up that must sound. But that meant a lot to me, and maybe in the future I’ll see it different. I mean I hate that he hurt you. I really do. I hate anyone that hurts you. But its so complicated.
And even more complicated was this. Was the blood. Because it wasn’t fine, not really. He was addicted, they both knew it but neither would say it. Him because he needed it and her, because she needed him, needed how she felt when he grasped at the demon inside the shell. Touched at the very core of her being, a core which usually was so cold. And Sam had told her that it was warm. That she was warm. It was an addictive feeling all on its own. And it made this one of the few things she’d still ignore the truth of. “Stronger yeah..of course it does. As long as we’re careful, as long as we do everything with full knowledge of the seals and how close Lilith is, we’ll be fine. You can still drink. You don’t need to worry”. She was lying to him, but it was okay, She was pretty sure Sam knew that. She was lying to herself just as much. But she let Sam reassure her, let the words wash over her as she worked out just what made sense. And what made sense was trusting that he loved her. Because that was all that mattered. She let the bottle drop harmlessly onto the rug almost as soon as his fingers wrapped around her wrist and tilted her head to face him, looking him in the eye.
“You don’t want normal. Not if it means a life without me. You want me. And I don’t have to be like Jessica for that to be fair on you.” Her focus never left him, she just kept her gaze fixed as she spoke. “I can accept that. I’ll get past this, and I’m sorry for upsetting you.” She tightened her free hand in his, the other still grabbing her other wrist. “I’m sorry” she said again.