It wasn't working. Of course it wasn't. It was Sam. And he was persistant, and stubborn, and she hated to say no to him. All the same. She'd ruin everything, she knew she would. She'd tell him what had her worried and he'd get that look in her eyes. He'd be dissapointed again. Though, it seemed like he was already. Or just angry. It was hard to avoid him especially when she was already in the trap. She took the beer holding his gaze for another moment before sitting down and taking a tentitive sip. If she was going to tell him her worries, if they were going to talk. They'd be here a while. "You should sit down too. If we're going to have this talk. Sit down and I'll tell you why I've been so evasive lately". Ugh this wasn't going to be easy. This was a mess, she was a mess, but all the same maybe he had a point. Maybe they really were stronger together. Maybe avoiding him was worse.
She knew what she had to do much as she didn't want to do it and much as her voice shook as she spoke. Finally coming clean about the whole sorry mess. But she needed to clarify something first. "Look, this, all this, its hard for me. I'm not used to the kind of emotions that come with love. I feel weak. I feel vulnrable and it took me a while to tie it back but I can't help but think I'm never going to be good enough for you." And she still thought that maybe she wasn't. Because she could never be her, she needed to explain that to Sam but how did you tell someone something like that. Truth was, there was no easy way. And she knew it, so it all kind of came out in a stream of thoughts. "It clicked when you talked to me about Stanford before, remember, You were so happy then. Free, you were in love and it was normal. Jessica, she was normal, and good and pretty much everything I'm not. You had a chance at a life I could never give you. I could never have. Knowing you had her, had all that. It's intimidating. And thinking that, its horrible isn't it, given how she...who..."
She paused, not wanting to go down that road as well as all of this. "So, I guess I freaked. I didn't know how to make it make sense. Not any of it. I just needed to get away for a little while" She'd run. She really had, not forever, she couldn't do that. It was Sam. But she'd needed a break, especially still being in Dean's body. But she'd left because she'd had no other choice, she had to get her head clear. And she'd been running since then until now, until he trapped her so they could talk face to face.
She gulped down more of the beer and looked down, She didn't want to ignore him, she'd never wanted that. But she hadn't wanted to say it. Not any of it, even the thought of it all scared her. What would he say now that he knew. "I'm sorry Sam. Please don't hate me"