The window didn’t seem far enough to hide how she felt right now, she’d considered telling him to leave for a while. Sam, telling Sam to walk away from her. It didn’t seem like something she’d say on a regular day. But she supposed that was their problem, they hadn’t had any of those. “I guess I don’t see a light at the end of all this yet. I should. I mean I know you love me. You say it enough and you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. But this is all new to me, I never thought about guilt, or hurt, I just...I assumed those were emotions for humans and I didn’t need to feel them anymore. But then you tell me I tainted all your memories of the good times we had and there it is, Bang. Guilt. I hate to think I hurt you. You have no idea. Thats what stings me, thats what makes me scared there’s no coming back for me. What if I hurt you again? I know I don’t want to, I know I wouldn’t plan it, but I’m so much less than you deserve and you’re still here, and its confusing and intimidating and terrifying”
The memories he talked about, they weren’t happy. He’d told her to leave, tears streaming down both their faces and she’d refused, she’d refused to ever walk away from him. Is that what he was clinging to? That wasn’t happy. That was horrible. “It’s not nothing, but its not nice is it, screaming rows, tears and stubbornness. Is that why you’re here, that what you’re clinging to. I don’t understand how that can be better. Is it cause its honest, and if that’s true....then why Sam? Why is it better when it was some of the most painful times of my life.” She shook her head, “I know its not supposed to be easy. I understand that, I expected it, but I expected...to know what to do sometimes. I’m never sure anymore”
He spoke her name, touched her and Ruby turned slowly at the soft squeeze at her shoulder, as he spoke. Apparently what was real to him was that he loved her. That one emotion was why he was struggling to be okay with everything that had happened, to put it to rest and move on. And that he didn’t want normal. She’d turned and was gazing up at him when he said it.
“I love you too but...don’t you want normal, marriage, kids, a life, a proper life. You told me once you didn’t still want to be hunting when you were an old man. How do you expect us to have a life without that, without hunting, and fighting and bad things. I’m not the one you were supposed to be w...” she trailed off, shaking her head sadly, “I’m a demon Sam, not a special one, not one that fought against what she was, till now I mean. I’m just as bad as Azazel was, and I’m trying for you, I am. But it keeps coming down to it. You say you don’t want normal, but you did, didn’t you. You’ve had to give up on so many dreams already and all I can do is drag you down. Don’t you see that?. Besides you only got involved with me cause I seduced you right? That was all it was at first. You’d never have done it yourself”