"You don't get it, do you?" Sam was trying to keep calm. Keeping calm was the only way that they were going to get out of this conversation without him storming off or her kicking him out. "That entire time. Every memory that we have together. It's all built off of that big lie you were hanging over my head for months. For months, Ruby. You lied to me." He ran a hand over his face, the feel of his palm against his cheeks not doing much by way of keeping him from getting annoyed. "I think of our first date and - as much as I loved being with you - I can't focus on anything but that knowledge. Knowing that the entire time, you were using me. That you thought that whatever it was that we were doing then was just part of the plan. The master plan. Whatever the hell you demons call it - I can't think about anything but that right now and I'm trying, Ruby. I am. But I feel like...I need to get through this. I need to get past this rut we're in before I can look back at those memories again and make a call like that. I just need to sort through everything and deal with it. I know what I want those memories to be. I know what they used to be and I wanna believe that they'll be that way for me again. Right now? Everything still stings. The truth didn't come out a year ago, Ruby. It came out recently. And I'm still struggling with that. You do understand, don't you?" He kept to his spot by the couch. Arms still pressed against his chest, Sam watched Ruby retreat to the window, knowing damned well that this discussion was far from over.
"We don't have nothing. If we had nothing, I wouldn't be here. Don't you remember when you came out and told me the truth? When you stuck by me even when your life was in my hands? I even tried letting you go. Would've given you the opportunity to run straight back to Lilith if you'd have only left when I told you to. That's not nothing." Sam focused on her shoulder, finding that he was more than unable to look Ruby in the face with her back turned. That was okay. Eye contact was turning out to be a bitch lately anyway. "I'm sorry. I know that hearing this isn't easy. But it's the truth. I'm still trying to figure out what happened - I'm still trying to figure you out. You can't just sit here and expect for me to be sure of everything when neither of us seem to know what we're doing as is. You knew that walking down this road wasn't gonna be easy. We both did."
Sam closed his eyes. This wasn't what he had wanted. Ironically, as much as he stated that he despised every lie she had used against him, Sam found that he sort of missed it. Maybe feeling that way was pretending. But it would have been so much easier than having to deal with the painful side of their relationship now. "Ruby..." Finding his bearings, Sam pushed away from the table quietly and walked over to the window she was standing in front of. Cautiously, he reached forward and placed a large hand on her shoulder. "You have given me something real. You're giving it to me right now. I think about you and I can barely breathe." He squeezed at her shoulder carefully. "It's maddening half the time. But I love it. I love you. I came here tonight because I wanted to tell you that. I want you to understand that I'm still struggling, but I'm struggling for you. For us." Sam pulled at her shoulder a little. Not forcefully, but enough to indicate that he wanted her to turn around and look at him. "And if I wanted normal, do you really think I would have gotten involved with a demon in the first place?"