She knew she’d done wrong. Of course she knew it, but back then, back before Sam she hadn’t cared, she hadn’t had anyone to make her feel guilt for her crimes. But Sam, he could do that to her. Just one of those looks of disappointment and she felt it, 800 years of evil. She felt every one. Every second of it. And she thought through the time she’d known him. The things she’d done, the set ups, and nothing was worse than the church. The lesson to pick his battles. She hadn’t cared a damn about the people involved in the attack on the church and she hadn’t expected to. But now there was guilt. There was something different and she actually felt bad for all the things she’s done. She just had to look at Sam and she knew, he made her different
“That’s the cruellest I’ve been to you” she said again, as if to confirm. “I wasn’t there for the deal, or for Jessica, or John. I was supposed to come and find you. Make you who you were supposed to be, get you ready. I set things up, now and again. But they were stuff you wanted to kill or exorcise or whatever anyway so in that regard its not anything like what you’re asking. My past...its horrible, lies, manipulation, seduction, death and chaos. Before you, I was just a demon. Loyal to a cause. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know better things were possible”
His comments about Lilith made her shrug, “Hell was still hell Sam, even demons want out of that place, and Lilith’s crazy, sometimes she’d torture me just cause she could. Cause you weren’t further along. You weren’t...drinking yet, And we had to keep up appearances, I was the traitor remember, the one going against Lilith, I was an example for most of that time”
When Sam pulled back, pulled his hand away from her leg, Ruby knew exactly why. She’d mentioned him. Azazel. “I’m sorry, I know, I know how hard it must be when I talk about him. But he was the first person to ever really take an interest in me, treat me like I was special. Important. He never did anything wrong by me Sam and its...hard to let go of that. It’s hard not to wish he was still here sometimes” Her leg felt cold now that he’d pulled his hand away, such a simple thing, but no less painful for her. “I know how bad it is, you had this image of me and its shattered isn’t it. That’s why this is so hard . But I think what you thought I was, I think I’m becoming it because of you, loving you. It’s making me better.”
Sad fact was though, Sam still couldn’t look at her, he just stared at the wall in front of him and all Ruby could do was watch him as he talked of the promise he’d made. And he had, he’d said it. Her past was her past. Even if it did hurt him most of the time just to think about. She was about to tell him she understood his worries when he went on, talked about what she’d done with the kid. He said he was proud of her and she couldn’t help herself, her face lit up into a smile as he looked down again, still not touching her, still not with her in any real way. “You’re proud?” she asked, not even really wanting an answer, just closing her eyes and letting the words wash over her. She really had done something good. Made him proud, helped just for the sake of helping.
It was strange, all that they’d talked about, all the horrible things she’d done and it was comfortable again, the mention of pride in her and the discussion about clowns. Clowns of all things. “Good to know for the future” she joked, finally confident again that maybe they’d actually have a future to share between them. Joking with him again like this was something she'd never get to do. “And why am I not surprised you got a gun instead of checking the closets.” She thought maybe it wasn’t a childhood like most kids had. But John had loved his sons, she knew that. “I’ll keep it in mind though, keep the big bad clowns away from you” She turned herself on the couch until she was facing him completely and looked up, dark eyes gazing into his. “We’re gonna be okay, aren’t we Sam, eventually you and me, we’ll get through this?”