Lost fic: Conscience (Sawyer, PG, 1/1) Title: Conscience Author:shyaway Rating: PG Character: Sawyer Spoilers: for "The Brig" Summary: A response to last week's episode - revenge isn't always all it's cracked up to be.
I'm gonna kill him. This he decided after one too many fight, one too many suspension, one too many aunt whispering that James wasn't coping well, one too many uncle wondering if he would make it through high school. It was after one such fight over some girl - an Amy or Jennifer, a cheerleader type - that the thought bastard ruined my life hardened into I'm gonna kill him. Didn't matter who Amy or Jennifer was, it just mattered that someone was trying to take yet something else from him. He wondered if that was how his dad had felt.
Bastard ruined my life. A few months after the funerals his grandma asked how he was doing now. When he didn't answer the way she wanted, she asked with too much kindness and sympathy whether he wanted to go to counselling. Bastard ruined my life, he told her. What else was there to say?
She didn't tell him off for the word, just looked more understanding than ever. Obviously thinking James had been through a lot.
His mother never let him get away with language like that.
I'm gonna kill him in cold blood. All those years doing that job taught him it was the guys who kept their heads cool that got the goods. A few of his colleagues told him he needed to work on that - usually earning themselves a snarl.
Wouldn't be like that when he found him. Then he would be cool, calm - cold-blooded - just like the reptile who had destroyed his family. Yelling and lashing out wouldn't get the message across.
Face to face with Sawyer, in this prison in a black hole in hell, Sawyer-Cooper-Seward-man of his nightmares prodding at him with bamboo shoots of ripped open memories, Sawyer won't read the letter, won't take the blame, shut up shut up SHUT UP...
He hadn't been angry at first. While one set of grandparents railed against the hussy of a daughter-in-law and the other raged against the murdering son-in-law, James peered at the awkward condolence letters and wondered.