_katiebell_ (_katiebell_) wrote in vrrpg, @ 2017-11-10 11:47:00 |
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Dear Joan... Advice from the heart, getting personal from The Prophet. |
Q: Dear Joan, I'm struggling to get over an ex. I'm not really the type to go out and just find someone else to sleep with, and that isn't about to change given the circumstances, as I'm demisexual. I'm not someone who often gets into relationships in the first place, and physical intimacy is something that takes time for me, but my ex broke up with me just as I felt ready to make that leap, as I realized that I'm completely in love with her. I'm sure part of my issue is that I don't want to get over her, but I also don't know how to move on from that sort of connection, as the breakup was explained by her saying that she simply couldn't see herself in a relationship, not that she disliked me or the relationship in the first place. Should I keep hoping that she might change her mind? Or how might I best work on moving on? Signed, Lost & Lovelorn Joan: Dear Lost & Lovelorn, I wish you and I could sit down over tea, and you could tell me the whole tale. I wish I could take your hands in mine, look you in the eye, and sincerely, wholeheartedly tell you that you are not alone and you are not lost. Taking your time before getting physically intimate is not a burden in relationships, but rather a lost art of the truly emotionally mature. The fact that you took your time getting to know your recent-ex only speaks volumes for you as a person and an adult. I think that when you do feel ready - fully ready, not just that "it's time" - to meet someone new, you will make a wonderful, thoughtful partner. As for "moving on" or "hoping that she might change her mind" - those are not your only two options. Taking time to grieve the loss of a relationship is a good thing, and one needn't hole themselves up and let the rest of their life fall to ruins during this time. Humans have more social settings than "out for a quick lay" and "desperately heartbroken" - I hope that you have work you enjoy (and throwing yourself fully into work is a time-tested way to get your mind off your heart for a few hours, at least), I hope that you have family and friends who can drag you out of your own mind for an evening, or two, or three. Spend time at hobbies you love and with people you love and eventually the rest will work itself out. That's how these things happen: with time. Q: Dear Joan, Do you have any advice for getting over an old trauma? I know that I have PTSD and I've done the therapy thing and it's been a long time, but recently it's come back to me all over again and I'm just at a loss. Is this simply what the rest of my life looks like? Signed, Traumatized Joan: Dear Traumatized, I really hate to tell you this, but there is no 'magic bullet' for PTSD, even for a witch or a wizard. I hope that after your trauma you had the support of a loving community and a good (read: professional) ear to listen. Therapy as soon after a trauma as possible is always the best thing for it. In lieu of that, however, have you considered speaking to someone now? Was it a specific trigger that caused you to fall back? If it was, is there anyway to avoid said trigger? Of course, to avoid anything other than an allergen for one's entire life is a laborious, annoying, and frankly nearly-impossible task so I have an radical idea. Confront your trigger. If it's heights - go flying on a broom. If it's sex - get laid. If it's your parents - tell them what's wrong in your relationship. This is not an easy task, I know, and may cause you stress and worry and fear - but as soon as you rip the bandaid off, real healing can begin. Q: Dear Joan, Do you think it's possible to love two people at once? I love my partner, they are everything I could ever want romantically. But a friend has found a place in my heart that my partner simply cannot occupy - they are very, very different people, and I wouldn't want my partner to change to fill this role, but I've come to think I need this particular thing in my social life, and this person fulfills it. Nothing romantic has happened with my friend, and I'm certainly not the sort to ever cheat, but my dependence on this friendship has grown alarmingly. Any advice? Signed, Torn in Two Joan: Dear Torn, Oh dear. I think you're framing the question in the wrong way, to be honest. I don't think this is a question of being romantically intwined in love with two people. I think this is an issue of understanding there are different kinds of love. You don't question your love for your partner, and you admit that they are everything you want romantically; you also state plainly that you do not believe in cheating and nothing has happened that would indicate that may occur. But I do think you love this friend of yours. You love them for their role in your life, and fulfilling you in a way (humor? intellectually? do they give you attention you crave?) that your partner doesn't. There's nothing wrong with feeling love for our friends and family, as long as we understand the different types, and keep relevant boundaries in place. You know yours, and you respect your partner and the relationship you share -- you're not doing anything wrong. If you come to a point where your feelings for your friend grow beyond this fulfilling friendship, well then you'll need to reevaluate your current relationships and proceed from there. My advice would be to stop fretting for now and if things grow in a direction that makes you uncomfortable, perhaps being single while you continue to figure things out is your best bet. |