RP: Inherently Valuable Who: Phillip/Addi When: Monday, July 17 Where: Phillip's flat What: Addi impulsively shows up at Phillip's flat to proposition him. It does not go as she anticipated. Warnings: Discussion/descriptions of traumatic events including domestic violence/torture.
Addi was going completely and utterly insane. Not only was Vieve being ridiculously overprotective still (and yes, she knew it was in large part because Vieve didn't know Roberto was never coming back), but it felt like some people were treating her as if she might break at any moment. She was fine, though. She'd got hurt, she'd gotten out, and she'd been helped and healed. She was fine. Yes, her body was a mess of tiny white scars that would likely fade over time and green and yellow bruises that barely even hurt anymore. And yes, her torso still ached something fierce if she moved just the wrong way and stretched her puckered scar that would likely never go away. But she was alive, and she wanted to live.
And she wanted Roberto to not have been the last person who had touched her intimately.
But more than that, she wanted Phillip to touch her. He'd been such a rock the last few weeks, strong and supportive, but also so damn determined to take things slow. And considering how much they'd flirted lately - those texts last week! - she thought she was going to go absolutely mad if nothing more continued to happen. She'd definitely gotten the message that he was interested in her but not willing to rush anything physical, which was so completely foreign to her! Most men couldn't wait to get her naked, but Phillip... that he wanted to wait until he was in love, kept playing through her mind. He couldn't possibly mean that literally? Could he?
Well, even if he wasn't willing to have sex with her today, she hoped to get some sort of reaction out of him, especially after their texts last week. She just hoped that he hadn't been traumatized by how he'd seen her when he'd taken her to St. Mungo's. No, she hadn't dealt with all of that yet, but knowing Roberto was gone for good helped... even if she wasn't allowed to tell anyone. She had peace of mind, and she just wanted to move forward.
But all of that was why she found herself donning a new lingerie set they'd just finished at work a few days ago. It was a simple, tried and true style, but she did hope that Phillip would enjoy seeing it on her. She wore only a coat over it, something completely out of place on the warm July evening, but his building was right next to her work, so she wasn't terribly worried about it. She made her way into the building and then up to his floor, stopping outside his door and sucking in a deep breath before letting it out slowly and then knocking. There was no reason to be nervous, she told herself; either he would want her or he wouldn't--no big deal.
★
He hadn't expected company tonight, but there were very few people that knew where he lived, and even fewer that didn't just use the floo-- which meant that he should have known who the unexpected company at his door would be. And, truth be told, he couldn't entirely admit that he minded all too terribly-- he'd just been working, his usual past time around this time of night-- and he had plenty of time to do that any other day.
That was new. He would have never thought that before he'd met her...
Opening the door, Phillip couldn't help but smile, quick to fully open the door for her as he leaned against the edge of it. "Hey, beautiful."
★
Okay, she was nervous. When was the last time she'd been nervous at the prospect of propositioning someone for a good time? Except Addi knew that wasn't at all what this was about. And that was why she was so nervous. But then he was opening the door, and that smile was disarming in a way she was utterly unprepared for, and she felt nervous in an entirely different way.
What if he was horrified by her bruises and scars?
She could stress herself out with what-ifs, or she could draw up all her courage and do what she'd come here to do. That seemed like the better option. "Bonjour mon chér," she returned, her smile a touch more shy than she was used to. Good god, he had her so off kilter, and he hadn't even done anything! "May I come in?" She didn't really wait for an answer though, instead stepping through the open door and out of the way so that he could close it.
There were a lot of things she could say, things she wanted to say, things she knew she probably should say before doing this, but she didn't want to lose her nerve. So instead, once the door was closed, she undid the belt of her jacket and then the buttons, shrugging out of it even as she kept her eyes on his. She tossed the jacket carelessly toward the chair in the living room, and then licked her lips. "What do you see, Phillip?" she asked him softly. "What do you see when you look at me?" There were no glamours or concealment charms or makeup covering up any of her scars or bruises other than the one that was still fading around her eye, but she hoped he would be able to look beyond that.
★
She really was beautiful. He'd gotten used to that over the last few weeks-- seeing her on a regular basis, knowing that she was coming to him because she was actually enjoying being romanced for once-- and yet, there were still butterflies at the sight of her. Was that normal? Probably not. Did it matter? All things considered, he was probably a poor judge of that...
"That's why I opened the door," he smiled, reaching for her hand to kiss the back of it before letting her go.
He'd been about to take her coat, offering to hang it up for her, when she decided to take it off all on her own, Phillip's eyes going wide for a long moment as he tried to take in all of the information being offered to him all at once.
All of which was promptly running straight down to his groin.
"Uh," he muttered rather incoherently, his mouth hanging open as he seemed unable to tear his gaze off of her front. "Uh." Merlin, it was going to be difficult to hide his boner at this rate. Okay. He needed to pull it together. She had asked him a question, right? About what he saw? In her? Wait-- no. That couldn't be right. Fuck, he was really struggling here. Swallowing hard, he finally managed to tear his gaze back up to meet hers.
"You're so incredibly beautiful." He just shook his head in absolute amazement. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
★
There was no denying he was having a strong reaction to her, and it seemed to be the right reaction, which had her sighing softly in relief, her back straightening a bit with the little boost to her confidence. It didn't matter that he couldn't seem to find the words just yet, as rendering him speechless spoke volumes.
But then he did finally manage to speak, and she was certain her heart stopped beating for a moment at it. Her eyes filled with moisture that she blinked back stubbornly, not wanting to cry in front of him and mess up her makeup. Addi was vain enough though to have needed to hear him say that, to believe that he meant it.
She stepped closer to him, holding out a hand for him to take if he wanted. "I know this isn't playing fair," she admitted, waving her other hand over her front. "And perhaps it's vain of me, but... thank you, I really needed that reaction." She'd have been humiliated if he'd grabbed her coat and tried to cover her up again.
"Will you kiss me? Please?" she asked him, unable to hide the sliver of fear of rejection she had. Just because he was attracted to her didn't mean he was willing to take even this small step yet. She wanted so much more than that, but if they could start with a kiss, maybe, just maybe she could get her libido back in check.
★
Well, she certainly wasn't wrong. It wasn't entirely fair-- he'd been trying, really, honestly trying, to hold it together, to control himself for both their sakes. But she was making it more or less impossible for him. At the same time...
Maybe there was a reason for that.
It was that thought that ultimately led to his pulling her close, Phillip gently reaching up to cup her face as he leaned in to rest his forehead against hers. Still-- his hesitation was only momentary before he moved to kiss her properly, one of his hands running into her hair as he sighed against her. He was tall enough that he had to bend down to kiss her, but he didn't mind that in the least; rather, he'd always appreciated just how small she was in his arms, how easy to hold. Cradling her close overnight had been nice, but this... this was different altogether.
If she'd wanted him to kiss her, all she'd needed to do was say so, really. She hadn't needed to show up at his place in lingerie and completely rid him of his ability to form coherent words, let alone sentences. Not that he was about to complain, but-- really. She was more than beautiful enough just as it was all on her own. Clothes were hardly a necessary addition into the mix.
★
Even in this, he seemed to be going at his own pace, and as frustrating as that was on some level for the impatient woman, Addi felt a thrill that he was so in control. It had always been something of a thing for her, gravitating toward the more dominating personalities, men and women who were not easily swayed, as it gave her something to push against, boundaries to test and rules to bend.
Although she knew she wasn't terribly short for a woman and the heels she was wearing made her even less short, Addi loved that he still had to duck down a bit to kiss her. And when his lips finally touched hers, a certain warmth cascaded slowly over her, starting at the brush of his lips against hers and flowing down to the tips of her toes.
Her hands rested on his chest before sliding up and hooking behind his neck, bringing her body closer to his, brushing up against him unabashedly. She felt breathless already, and it was just a kiss!
★
If the kiss was leaving Addi breathless, then Phillip was hardly an exception, a feeling that seemed to persist even as he finally pulled back after a long moment of just... enjoying her-- this. This moment.
Resting his forehead against hers, he swallowed hard, his thumb gently running over her cheek in a soft, gentle caress. His eyes were still closed, as though right in this moment, touch was the far more important sense to focus on.
"You could have just told me," he whispered softly. "I've wanted to do that for a while." He just wasn't about to waste that moment-- it had to be the right one, and it had to feel like just about as much. Their first kiss together was meant to feel special, after all.
★
If asked, Addi wouldn't be able to put a number to the amount of people she'd slept with, much less kissed--some she remembered well and others were just a blur, insignificant in the string of lovers she'd taken over the years--but something told her that this moment here and now was something that would stay with her forever.
Never had she been with someone so gentle yet passionate, firm yet kind, a walking contradiction, and she was afraid that Zee might be right after all. Had she really caught genuine feelings for him? She'd thought she'd just wanted him to make her feel beautiful and wanted, to push the memory of Roberto from her mind, and he had done those things, but he'd also managed to accomplish something else, something utterly unexpected.
She shivered faintly at his whisper, and she wanted to ask him why he hadn't kissed her before, but she also had the urge to tell him it had been better this way, that even if she'd have gone along with it, even though she had wanted it sooner than this moment now, she hadn't truly been ready to kiss him before. It felt far too vulnerable a moment, a different sort of vulnerability than exposing her scars and bruises to him had been, and so she shoved those words down and away.
"What else have you wanted to do for a while?" she asked on a breath instead, pulling her head back only just enough to be able to meet his gaze.
★
His hands didn't stray from where they were situated on her face, gently cupping it as he stayed close to her. Frills and lingerie-- none of that really mattered to him. What mattered was the girl beneath those clothes. The girl he had just kissed for the first time.
"Lots of things," he whispered with a soft smile. "But that should wait for the right moment." Like this one had been perfect. "But I promise you that, one of these days, after I've made love to you properly, I'll be a lot less of a prude." They just had to overcome that small hurdle before that could happen.
Kissing the back of her hand, he smiled. "Until then... I'd rather like the chance to fall in love with you. First and foremost."
★
After I've made love to you properly. That phrase made her mouth go dry, and she felt ridiculous with the way her lips parted in surprise. Oh, she'd had plenty of relationships in the past, she'd even said 'I love you' before, but something told her that when Phillip said 'made love,' he meant it, and not in any way she'd experienced before.
"I don't think you're a prude," she murmured. And there was no way she could string together her thought process on that conclusion to explain it coherently, but it was still what she believed.
Had anyone ever managed to render her speechless with words alone? How could he want to fall in love with her? She had so many questions, and she was sure there was confusion in her eyes. "Phillip," she breathed, her heart starting to race. "I... But I'm a muggle," she pointed out rather abruptly. Had she even intended to say that? It was one of her deepest buried insecurities, and yet just knowing he wanted to fall in love with her had it tumbling out.
★
"I am a prude," he reaffirmed, shaking his head with a small smile. "I'm not so self-absorbed that I don't realize that. I'm not exactly..." He frowned, trying to find the right word to describe it and struggling. "Normal by society's standards."
He wasn't blind; sex was absolutely everywhere one looked-- it really was a miracle there wasn't a bigger business in wizarding porn. The difference was, of course, that others thought this normal. He was made uncomfortable, on the other hand.
Of course, then she said that, and all thoughts of normalcy were suddenly out the window only to be replaced by an entirely new tidbit of information-- and one that didn't make all too much sense to him, at that, Phillip's eyes markedly wide as he shook his head in disbelief.
"Why would I ever care about that? That-- those two things have nothing to do with each other." More importantly-- why did she think they did?
★
The last thing she wanted to do was stand there and argue with him about whether or not he was a prude, especially when she knew most people would agree with him, that even she would have called him that before she'd gotten to know him. And it wasn't like she could even explain why she thought different now, anyway, so she let it go.
His response to her abrupt comment had panic rising in her for reasons that she couldn't articulate. Old pain flared alive in her, showing far too clearly in her expression. Unworthy ... Good for a fuck, maybe even a mistress ... Train her up to be a good little slave, maybe we'll keep her around. But she'd adjusted, hadn't she? She'd found her place in this world, and she was even managing to settle more fully in it.
He might not see the connection, but it was glaringly obvious to her, and that triggered her fight or flight reflex. "I... I should go," she whispered, taking a step back toward the chair, reaching out blindly for her coat. She had to leave. What would happen if she stayed? She might blurt out all the reasons he shouldn't fall in love with her, and then he'd just tell her to leave anyway.
★
He could practically see the panic come over her face, slowly, steadily... the only problem was that he had absolutely no idea what had led to it being there in the first place, especially seeing as it was the exact opposite of what he would have hoped for her to be feeling in that moment.
Had... had he said something wrong? Trying to mentally review his words, Phillip found himself at a loss of what could have possibly prompted this. But he didn't want to forcibly stop her from leaving, either, or block her path, lest she get freaked out. And maybe if he had been worried about her health...
But no, that couldn't have been it. The look on her face didn't seem to be saying as much to him.
"I won't keep you here against your will," he said slowly, shaking his head as he swallowed hard. "And I think you know that. So if you really want to go, I'm not going to stop you. But... if it's not too much to ask, I'd really rather talk to you about whatever it is that's bothering you."
★
His words, said so soft, so slow, helped to pull her back to him, to this moment and not all the ones from her past, some recent, some not so recent. She stopped reaching for her coat, the hand coming across to stroke her fingers over the bruises on the opposite wrist first before pressing her palm against the thick scar on her abdomen. Her eyes were filled with moisture, and when she closed them, two tears slipped out of the corners.
Her eyes fluttered open again a moment later just as her arms crossed over her front, hugging herself around the middle. The movement reminded her of what she was wearing or, rather, what she wasn't wearing, and she winced faintly. How stupid she'd been to come here in just lingerie. It had been unnecessary, even if she'd desperately wanted to see him look at her the way he had.
"Could... Could you get me a shirt? Please," she whispered, feeling awfully exposed and vulnerable still. She could just pull her coat back on, but she wanted the comfort of wearing one of his shirts, of being surrounded by his scent in that way.
★
He had no idea what on earth had just transpired between them, but he couldn't help but be infinitely grateful that she was, after all, staying. His gaze followed where her touch seemed to be ghosting its way toward, Phillip swallowing hard as he noticed what it was that seemed to be affecting her as much as it was right now.
Catching sight of the motion that followed, however, redirected his attention to the present moment instead of right back to St. Mungo's. Right. She was wearing almost nothing.
"I'll do one better," he nodded, taking only a handful of steps to the bathroom to reach inside of it and reemerge with his bathrobe, Phillip quick to hold it open for her to slip into. Not only was it warm and plush and comforting, but if there was anything that smelled like him... well, even if that hadn't been his initial intent in his selection of it, this was nevertheless it.
★
Her brows furrowed when he insisted he could do better than a shirt, but realization dawned when he returned with his bathrobe. She slipped into it when he held it open for her, wrapping it around her slim frame and tying the belt on it. And then, she felt no shame in the way her hands lifted to the collar, pulling it up to partially obstruct her face, closing her eyes as she breathed in that scent that was uniquely Phillip.
"Thank you," she murmured, turning her head first to look at him before rotating on the spot so she was facing him fully. She tucked herself against him, fully expecting his arms to go around her as her own wrapped around him, her fingers curling in the fabric of his shirt.
"I don't know where to start," she admitted on a whisper. How could she possibly articulate all of her long-standing, deep-seeded issues to him?
★
"Nothing to thank me for," he muttered, pulling his arms around her just as she'd expected him to do as he leaned in to tuck his face into her hair. If she thought his robe was the only thing that smelled incredibly comforting right in that moment... she wasn't considering herself in the least. It was nice, getting to hold her in his arms like this, as though this was the only place that he could really feel like she was safe.
Merlin, evidently she hadn't been the only one left terrified for her safety that day.
Cupping her face, he gently let his thumb stroke her cheek as he slowly pulled back to look at her. "Come on. Couch or bed, you pick. Or I can always put the kettle on. Either way, you should get to feel comfortable." First and foremost.
★
She couldn't disagree with him more - there were loads of things to thank him for, but now was probably not the time to push the point. He was here, and he was holding her, and he would keep her safe and make her feel loved and cared for in a way she'd never experienced before. It was terrifying to think about, so she decided to stop thinking about it, to just feel it.
As he slowly pulled back, she tipped her head up and against his hand, meeting his gaze. Couch or bed... Her instinct was the bed, if only because she could lay with her head on his chest and not have to look at his reactions as she talked. It felt like the cowardly option, though, and hadn't she been enough of a bloody coward so far?
"Couch," she finally decided. "And tea would be great." While he did that, she tried her best to get comfortable, slipping out of her shoes and reaching under the robe to unsnap the garter and slide her thigh-highs down and off. It made the dozens of tiny white scars on her legs more pronounced, but that didn't matter, did it? And then she curled up in the middle of the couch, giving him the option of choosing a side when he returned.
★
Nodding, Phillip let go of her with some reluctance before making his way into the kitchen to put the kettle on and take out his own selection of teas. Setting up not only the options, but milk and sugar atop the tray as well, Phillip levitated the whole thing over into the living room as soon as the water had finished coming to a boil.
It didn't really matter if she'd end up having tea, he supposed-- the point was familiarity and comfort, and he hoped he'd be able to provide both of those things.
Moving to sit beside her, he pulled her in close, his hand reaching out to grasp for hers. "Whenever you feel ready," he said softly.
★
When he returned and pulled her close, she smiled weakly at him, already feeling emotionally spent and unsure if she could get through this conversation. But he'd been her rock for weeks now, giving her exactly what she couldn't articulate she needed - someone to hold her and make her feel special and important on a deeper level than the physical she was used to. He'd taken her out on dates, helped her find her puppy, let her stay the night with him--and just curling up and sleeping next to him at night had meant so much more to her than she could possibly say.
Instead of launching into an explanation of her messed up thoughts and twisted emotions, she leaned forward to fix herself a cuppa, holding it between both of her hands as she leaned back against him again. "I've never... been ashamed of the way I've lived my life," she finally began softly, looking down at the tea in her cup. "I had fun and took risks, but there always seemed to be a safety net with them, so it was just exciting, not scary. And I... it was..." She blew out a breath, not sure how to say what it was she was trying to say.
And so she switched tracks. "I've only dated magical people," she admitted. "But being a muggle involved in this world... I've never dated anyone who was willing for it to be serious in the way you're looking for." Her voice was barely a whisper, and she was afraid to look back up at him. "In one way or another, each of them... made it clear that muggles are... sidepieces, not good enough for marriage." She'd never said the words out loud, and they were far milder than what was going on in her head--only good for a fuck--but she felt a bit sick saying them now.
★
It was nice having someone to hold in one's arms, but, more importantly, it was nice to have her in his arms. She felt like she belonged there, the comforting smell of her hair, the way she fit perfectly, nestled into him... a part of Phillip was certain he could stay like this for eons.
But for now, it was his job just to sit back and listen. Luckily, his job had more or less trained him to be a master at the art of listening.
Of course, what he was less prepared for was how astonished she was leaving him with her words, Phillip blinking for a moment as he stared at her, quiet as he took in the information she'd presented to him here. Magical people-- his own kind!-- were so incredibly prejudiced as to view her as nothing more than a diversion?
Frowning, Phillip pulled back to kiss the back of her hand. "Even if other wizards are too close-minded to see it... Muggles have value. Inherently. Simply by virtue of your existence do you have value, and you should know that. And regardless of whether or not we stay together, that isn't ever going to change." Her other words had confused him, though, and he collected his thoughts once more before speaking. "You mentioned that you took risks-- risks that you've never been ashamed of taking. What sort of risks are we talking about, here?" He felt like he was intrinsically missing a rather essential component of what she was trying to tell him here.
★
When Phillip spoke, there was a surety to his words, and a thick layer of moisture filled her eyes at it. Addi blinked her lids rapidly to try to push the tears back, though a couple streaked down her cheeks anyway. How was he so good, so honorable, so kind and caring and fiercely protective? How could he care so much in so short a time? And more, how had she come to care so deeply so quickly?
She couldn't bring herself to speak again yet, though, and he seemed to be thinking, so she gave herself a moment, sipping the tea and just being held by him as she tried to figure out what else she could say, could tell him. He'd made it clear to her before that her past didn't matter to him at all, but she still thought it was important. And then, he spoke again, and she felt that thought had just been proved true.
Despite the circumstances, her lips curved in a bit of a mischievous smile, her eyes lighting up for a moment as it stirred up memories of some of her past experiences. And then reality caught back up with her, the memory of what Roberto had done to her crashing back into the front of her mind, and she flinched, her smile dropping. "A few years ago, a friend introduced me to... a bit of an underground scene. BDSM? Well, not so much the S and M part, but bondage, discipline, dominate, submissive. It's... I'm a muggle, I have essentially zero natural defenses against magic. So participating in those sorts of things, it was absolutely a risk," she explained. And she wasn't ashamed or embarrassed about it, but she did wonder if learning this about her might be the thing that would be too much for him, especially considering his own lack of experience with physical intimacy.
"It's a pure, physical vulnerability, but it was also extremely freeing. You know I'm not the most patient person, but giving up control in the bedroom is exciting and a challenge. It's... Well, it was, anyway. But there are rules, and people legitimately involved in the BDSM scene are very strict about following them. Everything should be safe, sane, and consensual, and anyone who participates agrees to a contract, though for most people, it's simply a verbal contract. Roberto and I had a written contract, though. We had explicitly outlined what was and wasn't allowed, with each other and with others. And there are safe words, of course. If anyone was to ever not respect the safe word, there would be severe consequences. So, safety nets. It never felt like a real risk because of how seriously everyone seemed to take respect and consent."
★
Merlin. He'd made her cry? That was the last thing he'd hoped to achieve, Phillip quickly reaching up to wipe her tears off her cheeks. "Sorry about that," he muttered softly.
He couldn't help it; as she was explaining all this to him, Phillip was slowly starting to realize the vastly different worlds that the two of them had previously traversed. And hardly on account of her being a Muggle-- no. Rather, her level of experience and knowledge in the bedroom was astonishing compared to his absolute lack thereof.
More than likely, his astonishment shone on his face. Was this what it felt like when Muggles learned of the Wizarding World? It had to be, right? So utterly unfamiliar, slightly terrifying, a complete unknown wherein they had no experience or skill... he did not envy their position.
"And... these are things you like? Things you want to participate in?" What sort of questions should he be asking here? She mentioned an entire underground scene. Were more people involved in this that all got together to do this with each other? Did normal people-- people like his siblings, oh dear Merlin-- do this sort of thing? "You... might need to be more specific. I'm afraid I'm a bit behind the times in how old-fashioned I am. I just thought..." Well. He thought he knew how intercourse worked, but apparently he'd been dead wrong.
★
As she spoke, she could tell that Phillip was surprised, but she couldn't tell if he was disgusted or not. And then, at his questions, her brows shot up, and she couldn't help trying to figure out if he was asking to gauge whether or not he needed to find a way to break things off with her or if it was something he would be willing to consider in order to keep her interested in him. The problem was that she didn't have a clear answer, not anymore.
Her mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to formulate an answer that would, hopefully, make some sort of sense, but before she could get any words out, he was requesting she be more specific, and she actually flushed faintly. "We really don't need to get into specifics right now. Please?" she asked him a little desperately, feeling a bit of panic rising in her.
"Because I honestly just don't know," she whispered in a moment of raw honesty. "I did enjoy it, but... he... he tortured me," her voice cracked on a sob, but she tried so hard to push the emotions down, to get through them to talk this out with him. "He hung me by a pair of handcuffs--they'd been sharpened," she recalled with a wince, not even bothering to try to stop the tears from slipping from the corners of her eyes. "And the tips of my toes could only barely reach the floor. He beat me with his fists first, and then he used his wand to... to..." Her hands were shaking, and she was sure she was going to spill the tea, so she set it on the tray and then brought her knees up to hug them against her chest, shaking her head. "I don't know how long he had me there," she whispered, closing her eyes tightly. "It had to have been hours, though."
★
Break things off with her? Had she forgotten what kind of person he was? What she'd literally just told him? What kind of awful person would hear that she was into deviant activities in the bedroom and then break up with her after she'd just begun opening up to him about her trauma? Especially when she wasn't even certain if she'd want to go back into the things that she'd experienced in the context of said trauma.
Besides. It wasn't as though he had a lot of experience to know what he would or wouldn't enjoy in the bedroom. Wouldn't he have to experiment first before he could even know what he would or wouldn't enjoy?
Sitting back, Phillip frowned, listening quietly she detailed her experience. He hadn't been prepared to hear what she was telling him, that was for certain. It was already beyond him how anyone could do something like what she was describing to anyone, let alone her. She was so sweet... Merlin, if he could ever get his hands on that guy...
The second her tea was out of her hands, her knees tucked up under her chin, he moved to hook his arms under her knees and behind her back in order to lift her up and into his lap just to hold her. If what she needed right now was to be listened to and held, comforted and loved, he could do that, Phillip leaning in to press a soft kiss to her temple. She wasn't there anymore. She was here, safe, and with him-- and if he was being honest with himself, he had to admit that he was fairly grateful to have her near him, if only because it meant that he could be the one to ensure that she would remain safe.
★
As soon as his arms were around her, under her knees and around her back and pulling her onto his lap, some of the shaking eased off, and she curled against him. And after the kiss to her temple, she tucked her head against the crook of his neck, not bothering to try to stop her tears. She could sense that she needed to cry--here and now while she was enveloped by his warmth and comfort.
She didn't speak again for a long time, instead just letting herself feel everything she'd repressed the past few weeks. It didn't matter that Roberto was gone and never coming back; he'd still hurt her in some intense ways, and it wasn't doing her any good to pretend that it hadn't affected her. By the time the tears tapered off, she was exhausted, emotionally spent, and she'd soaked more than the collar of his shirt. Her hands wiped at her face and then patted his tear-soaked shirt. "Sorry," she murmured sheepishly before brushing her lips against his cheek. "Thank you," she added, just as softly.
And then her hand found his, and she slipped her fingers between his, holding onto him in that small, innocent act of intimacy. "I'm okay with going slow," she told him honestly. She wanted a chance to fall in love with him too, but she couldn't bring herself to say that, still trying to wrap her head around the idea that it was, apparently, a real possibility for her. "But please don't make me ask you every time for a kiss," she added, needing to inject that little bit of levity in the moment, smiling softly at him.
★
She was sweet. It was that quality of hers, probably, that had stood out to him more than any other. She was sweet, she was empathetic, and she had far, far more heart than she gave herself credit for. It was nice, being around someone so genuine and almost accidentally humble without even fully realizing it. Because Merlin, she really didn't, did she? She had no idea how truly lovely she was.
Perhaps that was why it was so easy to hold her in his arms, Phillip's nose buried in her hair as he let his eyes drift shut, just breathing her in. She was safe now. And as long as she was with him, he'd know for certain that she would remain so. Which meant that she might never have to cry like this again.
"Don't be silly," he whispered softly. "You have nothing to apologize for... or to thank me for."
Pressing a kiss to the inside of her palm-- soft, gentle-- he chuckled. "You won't have to. I promise." It was far too fun to kiss her, after all, for him to deprive himself of such a thing.
★
Addi was pretty sure the only man who had ever held her while she'd cried before Phillip just now had been her papa. The realization struck her, and she felt her eyes fill with moisture again, though she blinked it back successfully this time. He might insist that she needn't apologize or thank him, but she felt very strongly that it had been appropriate to; she just wasn't going to argue about it, nor was she going to take it back.
The kiss to her palm made her stomach positively flutter, and she smiled at him. "Good," she murmured, hoping that it was the truth. He'd never given her reason to doubt him though, and she wasn't going to start now. And then she remembered what he'd told her after their first kiss earlier, that he'd be less of a prude after he made love to her the first time--maybe that applied to after their first kiss, too? She could hope, anyway.