Lenora Urquhart (notlenora) wrote in vrrpg, @ 2017-05-26 13:15:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, char: alec urquhart, char: nora urquhart, location: st. mungos, time: 2009 05 |
Who: Nora & Alec
When: May 25th, 2009 (backdated a day)
Where: St. Mungo's
What: :(
Warnings: Seriously, this is not a happy thread. It deals with a miscarriage and a lot of emotions so please don't read if you feel it would upset you ♥
Nora had been feeling out of sorts for most of the day, but she honestly attributed that to the lack of all substances at this point. No potions, no muggle drugs, no drinking, no nicotine. Basically the only vice she allowed herself was caffeine, even if it wasn't the best. But fuck, she needed something lest she go completely insane. Plus, it was a lot to take it and she hadn't been sleeping very well, mostly because her mind wouldn't shut up about absolutely everything.
A baby. With Alec. Their child. They were going to have a family together and bring a little, helpless thing into the world to raise and care for. It thrilled her and terrified her, and she laid awake trying to visualize her future with all of that in it. From what her mind came up with, for once, it wasn't all that bad. It was warm, and happy, and beautiful. Her mind was still wrapped up in it all as she moved about the greenhouse, harvesting several difficult substances from equally annoying plants. It took her a greater part of the morning and by early afternoon, she was already exhausted. And still feeling off. She momentarily thought about going home, but pressed on, until after lunch.
Honestly, it all came out of nowhere. One moment she was working and the next she was taking deep breaths to try and deal with the uncomfortable cramping in her abdomen. It felt a bit intense for a moment, but nothing completely unbearable. But… it still didn't seem right. Was that normal? Fuck, she had no idea. And while Nora wasn't the type to panic over little things, it was different now, and without so much as a word to Claire, Nora took off for Mungo's.
She sat patiently for almost an hour, knowing eventually, someone was going to notice her name and alert Alec. But she didn't want him to worry! Especially if it was nothing.
Eventually her name was called, and at their request, Nora changed out of her street clothes and into a gown, noticing in that moment, a streak of red against the fabric of her clothes. With a frown she finally grabbed her phone, texting Alec where she was. That he should probably come too as a sinking feeling took hold in the pit of her stomach.
***
If he hadn't been in a session, he would have been by her side so much sooner, Alec cursing his schedule as he headed down the hall. He was in the same bloody building, and yet he couldn't have felt further away from where she was, one of the nurses already leading him to her room when her text came in, panic slowly brewing in his gut.
This wasn't good. Whatever it was was going to have lasting consequences from the sounds of it. He was just worried he already knew what consequences those were.
Rushing into the room, dread steadily rising, Alec swallowed hard.
"Nora--"
***
Nora was already silent as Alec entered. It had only been a few moments before him that the healer had arrived, the same one from a week previously, and she had wasted no time in casting a variety of charms, her browns furrowed in concentration as the results came in and her quill scribbled something on Nora's chart. She was silent for quite a while, even after he had arrived, motioning for him to sit down as she continued the exam.
When she was finished, Gladys ran a hand through her short grey hair, a heavy sigh leaving her lips as she looked back and forth between the both of them. It seemed as though the words were right at the tip of her tongue, but it was difficult for her to relay
"Mrs. Urquhart… Nora.. Alec… I'm so, so sorry," she said solemnly, looking between the two of them. "It's just… not there anymore. This happens often. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, dear. Simply nature taking it's course." Taking a breath, she gave Nora a sad smile. "I know it doesn't make it any easier. I wish there was something more I could say or do right now, but that's not the case. I'll leave you two for a moment, yeah?" Moving towards the door, she put a comforting hand on Alec's shoulder before walking out, leaving them both in silence.
Nora stared at the wall, away from Alec. No words… no sound. Nothing in that moment seemed real.
***
His heart had more or less seized in his chest at the sight of her, his throat tight and his stomach in knots already. There hadn't even been a diagnosis yet, and still… nothing about the scene before him looked particularly promising.
So he sat, just holding Nora's hand for the time being. He'd just gotten here, and yet waiting seemed like it was already asking the world.
The look on Glady's face said it all, though, and Alec ran a hand down his face. This was horrible. He hadn't been anticipating it, but he'd been dreading it if only because he knew she was, had been so impossibly worried…
It just… wasn't there? It wasn't even unwell? It had just disappeared? A miscarriage, then. How much had Nora bled? He had roughly a million questions, it seemed, and yet not one of them seemed appropriate right in that moment.
"Nora," he said softly, finding his voice cracking. "Please." If she would just talk to him, maybe… maybe he could make it all right again.
***
Nora could barely hear him, her mind a mile away, going a million miles a minute as she stared at the opposing wall, away from him. In her ears, everything was so loud, yet the room was impossibly quiet at the same time. Every thought was suddenly assaulting her - was this her fault? Had she caused this? The drinking.. The drugs. But she hadn't known! Maybe she should have though. Didn't most people know? Didn't they feel different? Could things have been different? Could she have saved it if she had only paid more attention?
Everything at that moment felt numb, and suddenly the world felt like it was turning upside down. She wanted to throw up, but she managed to stop herself, the room spinning as she closed her eyes, trying to breathe but finding it difficult as her heart hammered in her chest, and as unwelcome tears stung the corners of her eyes.
It wasn't there anymore. What had seemed like such a bright spot a week ago was now the darkest black hole, and she just wanted to fall into it. Be sucked into nothingness and just stop existing. How could this be happening?
She honestly wasn't sure how long had passed as she laid there, her eyes glossy, unable to meet her husband's. She felt like such a failure. Whereas just a week ago he had been so proud of her. For this. What did he feel now? Did she even want to know?
"I should go back to work," she said softly, sitting up, searching around the room with glossy eyes for her clothes. "It's not fair of me to leave Claire alone all day again…" Her voice, her eyes, hell, even her movements seemed so far away.
***
He didn't want to push her, didn't want to make her uncomfortable by forcing the issue. So he waited, quiet, ready to be there for her whenever she was ready for him.
And then she said that, Alec's eyes growing quite large as he stared at her in utter disbelief.
"Have you lost your mind? Fucking hell, love, you can't, and I'm not just saying that as your husband, but as a medical professional. I can try and fight them on keeping you here overnight for observation because I can do that at home, but you're not leaving the bed after what happened. This--" He signed, exhaling slowly. It was as though he couldn't allow himself to grieve when she was this affected, when he needed to be taking care of her. "If this is what had to happen, then it's for the best. And that isn't your fault or mine. It just means that we get to try again."
***
Nora just wanted to get out. It felt so incredibly claustrophobic in that room for a moment, and she shut her eyes, Alec's voice telling her she couldn't go back to her daily life. Not yet. After this… After…
It was like everything suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks, and she began shivering slightly, starting in her shoulders and working its way down quickly. Sobs wracked her body next, her breathing shallow as the tears finally came, pressing her hands to her face as she cried. How had it all gone so wrong, so fast?
"Alec…" she finally managed, through choked sobs, looking up through wet eyes to find him.
***
It seemed to hit her like a freight train, all at once, which had been something he'd been simultaneously dreading and expecting, Alec's heart breaking for her-- fuck, for them, their baby that could have been. Climbing up into the bed with her, he pulled his arms around her, letting her burrow her face in his front.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered against the top of her head, placing a soft kiss into her hair. "I'm so, so sorry."
The only upside to this was that he was so focused on her pain, her suffering through all of this, that there was no way he could possibly so much as consider focusing on his own. She came first, always.
***
She couldn't stop crying no matter how hard she tried, uncontrolled sobs ripping through her and she buried her face into his shirt, her hands gripping helplessly at the material for something, anything to hold onto. At his words though, what she caught of them anyway, Nora shook her head, guilt creeping into her. Why was he apologizing? He didn't have anything to apologize for!
"I'm s..sorry.. I know… want..ed th… this. I…" her words were so choked it was hard to actually get them out. Hell, it was hard to breathe. "Every th..thing hurts. I jus.. it was just th..there.." her fingers tightened again as she looked up at him, her eyes swollen and face tearstained. "I… lo..love you. I know… h..hurts you too.." Because Nora wasn't stupid. She knew Alec would be keeping it together for her. He was too good for this world sometimes.
***
It didn't matter how long this took; he'd be here for her at the end of the day regardless of what else happened. However long it took her to cry would be all right. At the end of the day, everything else outside of them didn't matter. It could wait.
Shaking his head, he pressed another kiss to her forehead. "Shhh. Don't worry about me right now." Please, please don't worry about me. "Just tell me what I can do for you right now. Anything."
Fuck, right now he wasn't even certain that there were limits to what she could ask that he would do. Whatever she wanted, he'd make it happen. Somehow.
***
Nora wasn't honestly sure what there was to be done, if anything. Instead, she lay there in her husband's arms, crying herself out until was nothing left but a few breathless hiccups. She longed for the emotional numbness she was so used to, the defense mechanism she had perfected to protect herself, but this time, for the first time in years, it didn't come. The pain was still there, fresh and new.
Eventually Gladys came back into the room, putting down Nora's discharge papers next to them and ever so gently patting Nora on the back. "I've already told them you'd be taking her home and monitoring her for the evening, Alec," she said, nodding her head in his direction. With another glance at the both of them and a small smile, she left once again.
"Home." Nora finally managed, her voice hoarse and quiet. "I just want to go home."
***