RP: Mourning the End of a Friendship Who: Nora & Alec When: After this, Tuesday, May 2nd, 2009 (backdated) Where: Nora & Alec's apartment What: :( Warnings: Sadness, language
Nora was still in complete shock after her run in with Roger. He had.. He had erased her. Everything. The last 15 years of their friendship gone. She now finally understood why Alec was hesitant to tell her, because knowing absolutely crushed every atom in her body. Hell, it tore at her very soul. How could he do that? Had everything they went through, everything they had experienced together, really meant so little? Was it that easy just to wipe it all away in the blink of an eye?
She managed to hold herself together long enough to get out of the Ministry, and out of Roger's line of sight, but it didn't take long until she found an alleyway and slid down the brick wall, tears streaming down her face as she curled up around her knees and cried. Honestly, she had no idea how much time had passed, but eventually she straightened up and managed to find her way home, though it felt as though she was in a daze the entire way.
Once she opened the door, Nora shrugged off her bag and coat, letting them both fall to the floor as she made her way to the bathroom. She felt so tired. So numb.
She heard Alec say something to her and turned to look at him, her eyes completely empty, devoid of all emotion. "You don't have to tell me the bad news anymore," she said softly.
"I know now. I know… what he did…" she left it at that, walking away and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Nora shed her clothes in a single motion, turning on the hot water as she stepped into the spray and only managed a few moments before she crumpled up on the tile floor, trying to physically hold herself together, arms wrapped around her middle as she quietly sobbed.
***
In truth, he hadn't been sure when he was supposed to bring it up in the first place. On the cruise was out of the question. But after coming down off the high from an extended honeymoon going around Europe… there was no need to compound the sobering nature of coming home after such an incredible trip-- the same trip they'd gotten engaged and married-- with the truth of Roger's selfishness.
And, of course… there was also the way it had hurt him, too. But this wasn't his time to mourn the loss of a friend when she'd be impacted so much more significantly by his bullshit.
How could he?
He'd asked her how she felt about his ordering in muggle Indian food upon her entry, only for him to look up at the sound of her voice-- hoarse, just this side of croaky-- Alec moving to stand at the sight of her.
Fuck. Fucking fuck.
He didn't hesitate in the doorway to the bathroom for too terribly long, Alec leaning his forehead against the frame of the entryway as she started the shower. Only when she began to sob did he straighten, soberly shed his clothes, and follow her inside, Alec pulling his arms around her from behind to pull her close, leaning in to press a firm kiss to her temple, his words whispered against her skin.
"I'm so sorry, love. I'm so, so sorry."
***
Alec's entry didn't even register for Nora at first until she felt him pull her against him, and somehow that made her feel even worse. He was comforting her, but she also knew that Alec had been affected by Roger's actions as well, and she was being awfully selfish to make this all about her. But in that exact moment, she couldn't help it, because everything hurt far too much.
Sobbing harder she shook her head at his words, barely able to get words out. "I just… how.. How could he? How was it… so easy.. To .. erase everything?" His friends. His career. She knew he was hurting, but this? This was too much.
Turning a bit, she buried her face into Alec's wet neck, wrapping her arms around him. Eventually her sobs lessened, turning into slight hiccups as she drained every bit of strength she had left out of her body,
"Alec…" she said softly, hoping he would understand that she wasn't sure she could stand up.
***
Pulling her closer, he shook his head, burying his nose in her hair as he let his eyes close. This hurt so much worse than his own grief. But then, hadn't it been always about that? His first thought upon learning of Roger's idiotic, hare-brained plan had been how it would affect Nora. How hurt she'd be by his actions.
Evidently, nothing had changed.
"It wasn't," he finally whispered, leaning his forehead against her temple as he cradled her opposite cheek with his hand. "It wasn't easy. And considering the conversation I had with him, he knew it was a mistake that he was making." One didn't have to be a psychologist to figure that one out. "But he's a coward."
Then again, Roger had always been a coward.
Taking in a deep breath, he reached forward to turn off the water and moved to cradle her in his arms before slowly moving to stand and stepping out of the shower. Pressing his lips to her temple once more, he just headed straight for the bedroom, slowly setting her down before climbing on after her and pulling her against him once more to hold.
"What can I do?"
***
"It feels.. Like it was. Like.. he took the easy.. Way out," Nora hiccuped slightly, still unable to fully catch her breath through her grief. If he knew it was a stupid idea, why even go through with it? Had Roger truly been so desperate? And honestly, what made him that way? Had it been Nora all along? Was this her fault?
Her mind was plagued with this as Alec carried her to their bedroom, and she shouldn't help but cover his arms with hers, trying for the moment to hold it all together. She hated crying, and she knew that Alec knew that she hated crying. But she couldn't help the soft stream of tears that still fell, even after the sobbing subsided.
Nora felt so incredibly betrayed. Angry. Hurt. It was just… It was too much.
"I don't know," she said softly, to answer his question. The truth was, she wasn't sure what could ever make her feel better again. "I honestly don't know... " She trailed off, biting her lower lip, suddenly feeling guilty and selfish. "I'm sorry… I just.. .I don't mean.. It's just.." she couldn't even finish a thought as she choked up, turning around in his arms to look up at him.
"I don't know if I can ever feel better about this."
***
"He did," he nodded softly, sighing as he tucked his face into his wife's shoulders.
Roger had simply been a coward. But hadn't that always been the case? Then again, knowing her character, he wasn't sure that that particular characteristic of his would be so easy to understand or accept by Nora, someone who was, more certainly, not a coward, and who'd learned to see the best in her deeply flawed best friend over the years.
Merlin, he hated to see her like this.
Truth be told, he had anticipated her answer. It wasn't as though he was surprised to find that she was at a loss, or that there wouldn't be an easy way to heal from this particular damage, Alec slowly nodding as he moved to take her into his arms, pressing a kiss into her hair. "I know."
***
Nora laid there silently with Alec, truly trying to wrap her mind about her current reality. It all didn't feel real. Like this was all a really fucked up nightmare her traitorous brain had thought up just to hurt her. But it wasn't. This was really happening. Her best friend literally fucking erased her. And now, she didn't even know how to function around him, or if she should even try at all. Because being around him would hurt her, and it seemed that just knowing her, having memories of her, all of their time over the years, had somehow destroyed him. So could she honestly convince herself it was a good idea to work herself into his life again? This meant he was better off without her, right?
But she couldn't say any of this out loud, instead locking it all away. Perhaps talking would have helped, but Nora just couldn't. Personality flaw.
After a long while, she sighed in a completely defeated manner, closing her eyes and wanting to drift off to sleep, but that would be impossible now. So Nora did what she did best, she shut herself off from all the emotions rushing through her. A face of calm, cool composure fell over her like a comforting mask she wore in the worst of times.
"It doesn't matter," she finally managed, her voice flat. "What's done is done. You were talking about dinner before? We should do that."
***
It didn't take a psychologist to figure out what Nora was doing, Alec sighing. "As much as I wish I could condone your current evasion of reality, the professional in me knows how stupid that would be for your psyche." As much as it pained him to point out.
"It matters. You can try to ignore it all you want, but it does matter, regardless of whether or not the milk has already been spilled." Pressing another kiss into his hair, he closed his eyes. "If you need to take a few days off…" He'd obviously support her in whatever way he could.
***
"Yeah, well, I was never very good at doing what's good for me, love," she said with a shrug. Honestly, she wasn't sure where to go from there, mostly because she still had no idea what to say, what to do, how to function. Everything just felt so wrong..
At Alec's suggestion, Nora reached up to run a hand over her face, knowing eventually she would have to pull herself together. Like Roger said, this was supposed to be a happy time in her life, right? She had just married the love of her life.
"Maybe I will, I don't know. I just feel bad being gone for a month and then taking more time off, is all." Turning around in his arms so she could face him, Nora started into Alec's eyes for a long moment, the action oddly calming her. "I love you. I know you wanted to tell me, but.. I'm glad I decided how I did. It would have ruined the most perfect time of my life."
***
Oh, fuck no. He was not about to just let her self-destruct because it would make her feel better about this. There would be no drinking herself half-to death, no turning to non-prescription medication… hell, if he needed to actually prescribe her something-- a sedative would, most likely, achieve the intended goal effectively enough-- he certainly would do so, and in a heartbeat, at that.
Letting his hand run down the side of her face, he sighed, slowly nodding. "I know. But if it's necessary, I'll make the suggestion in your best interest as your doctor."
He couldn't blame her, really, even if he wouldn't have held the reverse against her, either, if she'd held it against him that he couldn't bring himself to disappoint her the night prior to their getting engaged back in St. Petersburg. God, that seemed so long ago now…
"I'm still sorry you had to find out like this."
***
Nora could sense his worry, or at the very least, his disapproval at her handling of the situation, as clear as day. And while she felt guilty for it, and knew deep down, she needed to be better for him, another part of her just wanted to drink until she was numb.
His words pulled a small smile from her though, her lips twitching as she shook her head, tapping her finger gently against his chest. "Now, now. Isn't that what you call a conflict of interest, Doctor Urquhart?"
A moment later though she was back to snuggling against his bare chest, sighing into his skin. Merlin, he was so warm and perfect. So comforting to be around. How would she honestly survive without him?
"There wasn't a good way to find out, Alec. Roger made sure of that when he made his decision," she said softly against him, a small hiccup sounding in her chest as she held back tears again. No, no more. She couldn't cry over this any longer. Because what did it accomplish? It was said and done, over with. This was the real world now, and while she had never managed to envision a world without Roger in it, she had never envisioned a world where she was married to such a perfect human being either. Things changed, sometimes for the worse, and sometimes for the better. Eventually, Nora would have to figure out a better way of handling it all.