RP: Daddy issues Who: Alec Urquhart and Hannah Abbott When: Afternoon, March 23, 2009 (Backdated) Where: Alec’s Office What: Hannah has issues she can’t get past Warnings: Language, Emo
It was so silly for her to be nervous. Alec was her friend and they’d had many long talks about what was going on in their lives. This should be no different. Except for the fact that this felt more formal. Hannah needed help though. She got plenty of support and love from Ernie, Megan and her other friends as well. Of course she could speak with them easily.
There was something though, no matter how much she spoke about it, no matter who she spoke with, she couldn’t get past something...about her Mother. All her loved ones gave her the best advice and she was thankful for it and she would feel alright for a bit. It just kept creeping in and gnawing at the back of her mind like a parasite.
So she’d made an appointment with Alec. She felt stupid for being nervous, much like when she’d felt silly for overthinking situations or feeling paranoid or jealous.
She relaxed somewhat as the smell of lavender tea reached her while she waited, smiling at the familiar scent.
***
If there was one thing Alec had to admit, it was that he'd been… surprised to find Hannah on his appointment roster. Well, maybe surprised was the wrong word for it. Everyone could use this sort of thing once in awhile. It was just that, under normal circumstances, she did this sort of thing while serving him at the bar.
This time, he was the one serving her, Alec pouring them both a cup of tea before opening the door to wave her inside with a smile.
"It must have been serious," he started once the door was closed behind her, moving to take a seat in his chair opposite the couch where she was seated, "for you to decide to come in for a session." Taking his cup, he took a long sip. "Though I should probably preface this by saying that I'm definitely not about to charge you for this visit. You can return the favor by continuing to serve me drinks."
***
The aroma of the lavender tea filled Alec's nicely decorated office and Hannah took her cup in hand. "I really don't know just how serious one might consider it. I may be overreacting." It was possible.
Hannah really didn't know how much Alec had heard about the scene she'd made at the Leaky, and this was certainly not something she wanted to discuss over the bar, where other people might overhear her very personal issues. "That's very kind of you." Hannah smiled despite her touch of nerves and sipped at her tea before she began.
She wanted to inquire about Nora and how everything was going with them both but, that seemed a different conversation and for all the world felt like stalling. "So, I've been contacted by someone who claims to be my father." She stared down into her tea and kept going. "I never knew him, he left when I was a baby and I'd never even seen a picture of him. My mother told me that he left when I'd shown signs of magic and accused my mother of keeping things from him."
Another sip to calm the small flurry of confusion that stirred again in her mind. "This man, is telling a very different story and even had a memory extracted. I haven't watched it yet though."
***
"If it's affecting you this much, I highly doubt you're overreacting." Crossing his legs, Alec sat back and listened, brushing off her comment about this being kind. She was his friend. It was just a matter of human decency, really.
Merlin, he must have been so wrapped up in the recent drama that he completely missed all of this going down at the Leaky. A part of him felt like a shitty friend, but then, at least he could be here and available. And between Roger and Nora's ex, Alec had more or less had his hands full of late.
"The extraction of the memory does seem to lend his side of the story some credence. Still, this is… a lot to learn at once. It sounds like it would be emotionally overwhelming. How does the prospect of having a father make you feel?" He imagined a good bit of this had to revolve around the prospect of her mother lying to her, but they could get to that.
***
“It’s really only one aspect I can’t wrap my head around.” Hannah hadn’t said that aloud yet. The tea was lovely and it was calming her nerves, enabling her to be more comfortable. Though there was probably more to be discussed apart from her fixation.
Thinking back on the night in question, Hannah thought she must have looked hysterical - and not in the ‘funny’ way.
Hannah’s eyebrows rose and she smiled wryly when Alex mentioned an overload of information. “You’re telling me.” She was taking it as a good sign that now, she could laugh at bits of the ordeal. “My head felt like it was going to explode.” That was until Ernie sat patiently listening while she unburdened her mind. But Alec’s last question had her chewing her lip and tapping the porcelain teacup with her nails. “I’d never had a father. I’d gotten so used to not having one that I really don’t know how I’d feel. The only person who came close to a father for me was Megan’s Dad. They took me in when Mum was killed.” He was kind to her and treated her just like Megan, it was nice. But that didn’t mean this situation would be the same.
***
"Even just one thing can sometimes be quite… substantial." Merlin only knew that he'd encountered his own fair share of seemingly minor things that frequently got blown up out of proportion-- and quite often with good reason.
"Did you ever want that, what Megan had?" It wasn't uncommon to want whatever one had seen modeled for them as a child growing up. It certainly seemed the case for Roger, no matter how much he tried to deny as much.
He was quiet for a long moment. "Are you worried that if you look at the memory and find that the things he said are true… that it'll taint the image you have of your mother?"
***
“It is, and I can’t seem to get past it.” She had wanted to bring it up straight away but somehow, she thought having Alec ask her about other aspects of this situation might warm her up somehow, to get to ‘the big issue’. As well, he was the professional in regards to the mind. Hannah knew how to heal flesh and bone, but she never pretended to know anything about the mind. Any advice she ever gave her friends or patrons was just from her own experience.
“You know, I never did. My Mum had always been enough for me.” It was very true, it was like the two of them were a team. When she passed though, her whole world had been shattered. “Mr. Jones was lovely and wonderful and he did care a lot. I’m very fond of Megan’s parents and grateful to them. But afterwards, I didn’t have any kind of yearning to have a father. I really just wanted my mother back.” She laughed quickly trying to cover up some hurt that lingered whenever she thought back on her mother’s murder.
And just like that, Alec had hit the nail on the head and she had to cover her mouth for a moment and will away any tears. She’d already cried too much about the one thing that kept nagging at her. “Yes. Exactly… that’s… Mum was my rock, my angel and she never lied to me. And now, if David is telling the truth, it will have meant that she lied to me my entire life. Why would she do that? And then what else was there? It’s messed me up more than having him come back.”
***
Alec slowly nodded, a soft sigh escaping him. Well, it wasn't as though he could blame her for feeling the way she was. It was understandable. Most people would feel hurt and betrayed by that sort of realization; of course, what made this one endlessly worse was the fact that her mother wasn't even around to clear the record.
"All right," Alec started, taking a slow sip of his tea as he gathered the last of his thoughts together, "let's say that this gentleman was telling the truth." It was looking quite likely at this point, anyway, so there was really no reason to shy away from the thought experiment of sorts.
"Obviously I wasn't there to hear the details that this man provided regarding his personal relationship with your mother, or how his story differed from hers… but given whatever you do know, I'd like you to try and place yourself in her shoes for a moment. What reasons do you think she may have had for lying about this? Is there anything you can think of that might have motivated her?"
***
Hannah’s mind was starting to swim again, despite the tea and the calming atmosphere. It was Alec’s job to get her to think on these things after all and she’d probably avoided it for far too long, needing to concentrate on work and training. However, if she was ever going to get past this horrible burning feeling, she’d have to face it.
Since Alec hadn’t been in the bar when the whole ordeal rolled out, she took a deep breath and tried to remember some additional bits of information. “He said that Mum was angry with him for leaving. And I understand that. I’d be pissed too if I was left alone to raise a child on my own.” Not that she couldn’t or wouldn’t do it, of course, but she would be angry - especially if it came out of the blue.
“I get it, I would be furious and hurt….but to tell a completely different story to a child for sixteen years? To hold a grudge like that for so long? I don’t understand and I can’t bloody well ask her.” And fuck, she was crying now… only a little, but still. She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself before it spiraled into a panic attack. “And the guilt I felt. Mum always told me that even though he left because we were magical, that he found out through me showing my first signs of magic, that it wasn’t my fault. He presumed that if Mum was keeping this from him, what else was she hiding.” And now… Hannah fucking hated herself for feeling the same way. What else Mum? Why? “I felt so guilty when I heard her upset at nights before I went to Hogwarts.”
This always happens too - poor Alec - once the floodgates are open, it’s hard to stop. “I would be angry if I was her, furious, abandoned, betrayed...but I wouldn’t take it out on my child, tell her lies and such. And even if I did, not for sixteen years.” She was pleading, but she wasn’t sure who she was pleading to.
***
All things considered, Hannah's reaction in this instance was hardly unusual, and one he fully understood. Reaching for the box of tissues at his side, he reached forward to place it on the table before her. If she needed to cry, he was more to happy to lend her the space and time to do so.
"I imagine it was both… a method for self-preservation and… one to protect you. She was hurt by his leaving, and the last thing she would have wanted was for you to experience the same dejection, loss, and disappointment she did. I don't think she meant to take her own resentment out on you, if that's any consolation. I say that because… she would have had no motivation to keep this from you in a mean-spirited way."
He was quiet for a long moment. "Do you think that, given enough time… she may have told you?" Because really, that was by far the most important part of all this.
"I think that it's quite possible that… given enough time and consideration, you'd be able to reconcile the differences between both sides of the story. In every argument, there are two sides. And we both know that the view of that argument and its context is going to vary a good deal from person to person. Perspective makes all the difference. So. If we might…" Gesturing absently with his his hand, a scroll of parchment escaped from one of his cabinets, a quill and ink following to settle on the table before her. "This doesn't have to happen here, of course. But either here, or at home, I'd like you write both sides of the argument opposite each other." Of its own volition, the inkwell opened, the quill helping itself before drawing a neat line down the center of the parchment, and one across the top, as though in a t-shape, one side marked for her mother, and one for her potential father.
"When you're done listing everything, survey the results. See how many discrepancies there are. A lot of those discrepancies are going to be rather obviously those of the usual variety in an argument where two people butt heads. Differences in memory, whether willful or subconscious, differences in perspective… cross off everything either in agreement, mostly in agreement, or reconcilable given the nature of such an emotionally heated argument, and see what major differences remain. Those are the ones you'll want to look at more closely to inspect them for what might have driven your mother to lie about them. And, of course, you are in luck. This gentleman who purports to be your father knew this version of your mother quite well back then. You have him at your disposal to ask his opinion as to why she might have lied about those things in particular. All of this may help you shed some light on the matter and reconcile the mental war you've been engaging in."
***
Hannah was a good patient. She knew some that would argue and lash out in a session like this, take out their insecurities on the one trying to help. She herself training to be a Healer, she didn’t want to give Alec any grief apart from being overly-emotional when she had to be.
So she listened and absorbed, pondering everything he was saying, and it made a lot of sense that her mother would be angry and lash out, tell her a lie to keep the truth from hurting. Still, to stick with it until the day she died. “I honestly don’t know if she would have told me. Maybe if I had come out and asked her what went on? But then I’d trusted her completely, trusted that she was telling me the complete truth so, I wouldn’t have had any reason to question her.” Which sort of brought them back full circle to the fact that David would be the only one to shed some light on the topic.
Even as she was thinking it, Alec was saying that she had David - she refused stubbornly to refer to him as her father, not until she knew for sure, and even then, she wasn’t quite sure she would - at her full disposal to question. His chart was very comforting to her; she was a very tactile, visual person and this would help immensely. She was brought back to talking with Ernie, arranging her thoughts in an order on bits of paper in her head so they weren’t a mess.
“I’ll definitely be doing that… the chart, not contacting David, at least not right away and not until after I watch the memory.” She wasn’t there yet, even though he wasn’t an immediate threat and Seamus had said something that kept swirling around in her head. “Seamus told me he wasn’t a bad guy, whether I wanted to believe it or not… that he’d been looking out for me in ways I didn’t know about. It just seems that he was skulking arou--”
And then it hit her… like a beater’s bat to the face… “...that bastard paid my tuition.” she was frozen, looking past Alec to his wall when she had the realization. “...he paid my full tuition, it was round about the same time he starting coming round.” Fuck.
***
He could practically see the cogs turning in her mind, Alec letting her process everything bit by bit. It was a lot to take in and deal with at once, so it was likely a good thing that she had waited to meet with him, talking with Ernie and her friends first. Anyone would need to take their time with this sort of thing.
At her mention that she'd watch the memory, Alec slowly nodded, though he couldn't help but wonder how long it would take her to work up the courage-- or the desire-- to watch the memory in the first place. Her situation, after all, was anything but emotionally simple, let alone easy to deal with.
Of course, then something seemed to hit her. He wasn't sure what Seamus had to do with any of this, but Hannah's realization certainly took precedence over any questions he might have had otherwise, his eyes widening.
"... wow. That's… that's a good bit of money. I wonder for how long he's been watching you from afar… although this does seem to imply that he cares about you quite a bit, and more than just in title." The real question, however, was whether or not this would change anything for Hannah.
***
It was going to take Hannah a lot of soul searching and calm moments, writing in Alec’s chart and possibly even writing side-notes before she would be ready to watch that memory. It helped though that she’d asked Ernie to keep it safe for her, so it wasn’t something looming over her shoulder.
Everybody knew now though, thanks to the gossip column in the Prophet. She had been such a private person and now everyone and their niffler was asking her if she was alright, or if it was true. Hannah herself was still debating on whether he was her father or not. The memory would tell for sure but again, she came back to not being ready in the slightest.
The realization hit her and she just knew it had been him. No one else had come forward. She had received an anonymous donation to the Leaky but she was pretty certain who had done that… but this one, was a considerable amount and it only made sense now if David was her father.
“I don’t rightly know now…” she said quietly, staring at the carpet and clutching the edge of the couch, breathing steadily. “...I’ve been donating the money I would’ve spent on tuition to charities. It mostly paid for all the food at the Christmas Ball.” She breathed again and took a long pull of tea. “If…. if he really was a government agent, they get paid well don’t they? For risking their lives?” It was another indication that he was telling the truth, and a part of Hannah didn’t want to believe it, because that meant, again, that her mother had been lying to her.
“Ugh… my head aches.” It had begun to swirl again, the bits of paper being blown apart and mixed up once more.
***
Alec slowly nodded, just listening for a long moment-- at least until she decided to pipe up with a question. "I… believe so."
He couldn't exactly blame her for the way she felt, the aching head, the overwhelming emotions… it was a lot to cope with all at once.
"Other than getting your thoughts down on paper, it would be my professional advice for you to set aside some time to devote to self-care, whatever that may be for you. Draw up… a bubble bath, listen to Enya, drink wine, sleep in, go out to a nice place and treat yourself to a dinner you wouldn't normally, go away for the weekend with Ernie… that sort of thing. Whatever makes you feel good. Treat yourself within reason. It'll take your mind off things, help you relax, and remind you that all of this drama isn't at the center of your life."
***
Hannah finished the tea Alec had given her in the hopes it was the miracle cure for her insane headache. It did help a little. Plus, with his agreement that David may have been paid well if he was a government agent, she nodded back at him. “He must be retired or something. If he was still an agent, he’d still be absent. Or maybe the whole thing is bollocks.” She had to stop with the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ and just get out.
Alec had read her mind yet again, she wanted to write lists, timelines, something tangible she could look at instead of random things. She laughed somewhat and nodded. “I’ve been doing lots of those things. Ernie actually took me to the mountains the weekend after everything came out in the gossip column.” That was the other thing she didn’t like - everyone knowing her business. “It can’t be the center of my life. I’ve got too much to do. Running the Leaky and then there’s all the Healer training. I can’t afford distraction, kind of pissed me off actually when he lumped that on my plate too.”
She didn’t want to go on for too much longer, she supposed Alec had many more appointments and probably far more important patients as well, but she appreciated everything. It just wasn't something she’d openly want to discuss with him at the bar.
***
"Why would it be bollocks?" It was a curious choice of words for Hannah, the wholesale disregarding of so much as the possibility… "At any rate, does it matter? Either way, if he paid your tuition, he certainly has money."
Listening to Hannah's description of what had happened, Alec slowly nodded. That had been good of Ernie-- and wise, for that matter.
"I'm glad you managed to take some time off. I wouldn't typically recommend… compartmentalizing, but in this instance, I think it might be best to shelve this until you can take the time to let yourself process it. It's a lot you're dealing with right now, and I know how strenuous healer training can be on top of work."
***
“I don’t know…” Hannah kind of just threw the statement out there. Having some man appear out of nowhere claiming he was a government agent and her father, it sounded incredulous at times, in her own mind at least. “...how many secret government agents do you know of?? It just sounds like a rubbish film to me and how could that even be real life.” Though, of course, Alec did have a point - and it was a considerable amount of money and very generous to do such a thing. However, she remembered feeling ‘off’ about the whole ordeal when it happened, but only because it had been done anonymously.
“It was lovely and peaceful.” Hannah wanted to revisit the cabin that Ernie had found for them to escape to, it was certainly needed. Maybe they’d go again once everything was down on paper instead of jumping about in her mind so she could have a clear head to make sense of it all with a rational view. She was also still in the middle of packing - not that there was much, but still it was enough - to move into Ernie’s flat. With work, school, moving, and now this whole debacle, Hannah had a very full plate in front of her.
“I know you know.” she said with a smile, nodding and even laughing a little bit. Alec had gone through the same thing as she was going through now. It was a lot of work but she had wished she had the opportunity right after school like so many of her peers. “Thank you. I should probably get going though. I’ve got a few chapters to read and Liesl gets much too loud in German if I’m running late.” Hannah was never late, but still… she could cut it close at times. And in all honesty, she found Liesl’s teasing very endearing. She was lucky to have such an understanding staff.
***
"I would imagine that stranger things have happened… not to mention that, much like unspeakables, government agents do actually exist. Which means that some of the muggles we meet are liable to be in such professions. And, well. It is well within your realm of capability to simply ask him for proof. I'm sure he has a badge."
He couldn't help but smile at the thought of Hannah and Ernie's weekend getaway, though it was truly beginning to make him itch to take Nora away from the vast variety of messes they'd been left to deal with of late.
Laughing at Hannah's comment, he grinned, slowly nodding. "Yeah, of course. And if you decide you want to talk some more… you know I'm always around-- both here and over text, too, if that's more convenient."
***
Perhaps it had just been that Hannah was accustomed to having people in her life as Aurors - she supposed that would be the equivalent of what David was in her world. She grew up and lived through the heart of the magical world, through a great wizarding war - other witches and wizards around the world would be astonished if they had ever come into contact with an Auror, and yet she had several friends who were. So why should it be so inconceivable to her to come into contact with an MI5 agent? “Possibly… if I’m right and he’s retired though, they may have made him give it back.” Though Alec was most-likely correct and he would have some type of proof.
She heaved a heavy sigh afterwards and just tried to remember sitting on the porch of the cabin, with Ernie wrapped around her and a blanket over the both of them, just sitting and admiring the view - it was her happy place at the moment.
Taking her purse and the parchment Alec had provided, she stood to leave and smiled. “Of course, I have your number. Thank you for everything… and I love the tea that you sent over, it’s been very helpful.” She would definitely be working on that chart that she gave him and hopefully wouldn’t require his help further, but it was comforting to know that he was around if she needed him. “I’ll see you soon? And I hope Nora’s well.”
***
Waving off her thanks, Alec smiled. "Don't even mention it. We all need to talk sometimes. This is no different. Especially seeing as you're usually everyone else's listening ear… I imagine that gets tiring." Lord knows he appreciated her willingness to serve him after work in the first place. He hadn't done that nearly as much since getting together with Nora-- he really ought to remedy that.
Hannah's question seemed to draw him back to the present, and he smiled again, slowly nodding. "She's… doing better. Things have been a bit tumultuous on our end, but…" He shrugged. "It'll work itself out with time. Much as I'm sure your situation will."
***
“We do, and yes - I seem to get a lot of people who want to unburden their minds, usually after a few drinks.” After ten years, she’d gotten used to it - that and being a bit of an empath and no gossip in the slightest, she felt the need to help when she could, even if it was just an ear to listen. “It’s alright though, if it makes someone feel better, I can listen.”
“I’m glad to hear she’s doing better.” Hannah sighed and hoped Alec was right, that things would work out for the best, for everyone. “I think so as well. You should both come by for a drink one night, maybe Ernie and I could join you.” It was an open invitation that didn’t really require an answer, she was sure to see the couple at some point. “Have a good day, and thank you again.” She patted her bag that held the parchment and smiled, feeling much better afterwards - Hannah had a lot to write.