Therapy, Pt 3 Who: Alec & Roger When: February 6th, 2009 (morning) Where: Alec's Private Practice on Victory Road What: Roger's third therapy session Warnings: Language, mentions of sexual themes
It had been exactly a week since the last session and in a strange sort of way Roger kind of looked forward to their next visit. Of course he was extremely nervous and shivered while heading down the hall. He paused before the familiar barrier and contemplated - as usual - simply turning around and walking off. The shuffling of papers behind the door snapped Roger from this daydream and with a deep, calming breath, stepped inside.
"Hello."
***
In a strange way, especially in considering what an emotionally mixed bag Roger could be at times, Alec was looking forward to today's session, too, a smile on his face as he looked up at the other man's entry.
"Hey. You're looking… better today. Like you might even be able to tolerate me without burning any of my books," he chuckled. "This… might be me going out on too much of a limb, but is there anything that you wanted us to talk about today? That you'd feel comfortable talking about?"
***
Alec's good mood took Roger aback. He considered the man for a moment, torn between his desire to push away a person who acted entirely too familiar and the pangs of guilt at the idea that Alec genuinely seemed to look forward to this session and that Roger could possibly destroy that mood.
Honestly, it was too much.
He collapsed on the couch in the same spot as always and ran a hand over the familiar fabric.
"Yeah. I want to talk about you."
***
"Really?" Cocking his head at the other man somewhat curiously, Alec decided to humor him, offering him a nod.
"All right. Assuming that you're not joking and depending on the questions that come up… we can do that."
***
"Why did you want to do... This?" Roger waved his hand as though to add emphasis to his question. "I saw you play in school. And even if Draco bought his talent on the team you were still decent. So... Why?"
***
His question honestly surprised him, Alec leaning back for a moment as he considered it. He had loved playing. And he had been good at it, that was true, too.
At any rate, he knew that if he wanted Roger to be open and honest with him, it would only make sense to echo those same sentiments on his end in return. Another show of trust. They were, after all, off to a decent, if somewhat tenuous, start.
"If I'm not wrong, you'd graduated already when this happened, so I don't know if the news ever reached you, but… there was a triggering event at the end of my Hogwarts career. As I'm sure you know, I've always been very close to Katie Bell. We grew up together, we live together even now, and she's always been like a sister to me. About halfway through seventh year, she was cursed by a necklace and almost died. She was in St. Mungo's for the vast majority of the rest of our seventh year, just recovering, and I must have spent every waking moment that I didn't have to be in class in that damn hospital. I slept there, became woefully malnutritioned there off of their crap food, did my homework there…
"Needless to say, when you spend a lot of time in one place, you become rather familiar with it. I ended up meeting a doctor there who was, at the time, doing what I'm doing now. He took a liking to me, in part, perhaps, because I have a… talent. For this sort of magic in particular. The things I do at St. Mungo's are… extremely dangerous and delicate at times, you have to understand. But I had a talent. So I learned what he did, familiarized myself with what it would take, and… that, combined with the fact that I'd always been an excellent judge of human character, that I'd always enjoyed… understanding people, and that people came to me for advice all the time, anyway..."
He grew quiet for a moment.
"I also never appreciated the fact that people tend to… stereotype me based on my eyes, largely. The house certainly didn't help, but it always seemed to come down to the eyes. I wanted to prove… I guess to myself, in part, that I was a much warmer individual than people assumed at first. And… to finally get to why I… assume you asked me about this-- and you can correct me if I'm wrong on this note-- I also didn't want to have to deal with the things you put up with. I deal with pressure, sure, but it's never so public, and I don't have to always watch what I'm doing outside of my myriad of offices. I wouldn't have enjoyed being in the public eye to that extent. Which… does, of course, make me wonder why you decided to do what you're doing instead of embracing your natural talents for physics and math."
***
Roger listened, silently, while Alec spoke candidly about his time at Hogwarts. Despite himself Roger felt a rush of horror when informed of the attempt on Katie's life. He'd always liked her and respected her on the pitch (not to mention his hormonal teenage self found her to be very attractive despite dating Oliver off and on).
Still, Alec continued on, detailing in with careful attention the path that lead him to sitting here today. At one point Roger grinned in a guilty sort of way to Alec, fully able to understand the obsession of an eye color; honestly, Roger felt he wouldn't have nearly the level of popularity if the color of his eyes wasn't commonly used as a focal point in their narratives. The story impressed Roger. But the monologue ended and the attention turned back to the subject at hand.
"I dunno, it seemed like something to do I suppose?" Roger shrugged offhandedly, looking back to the couch and rubbing his hand over the fabric once more.
***
Evading. Tactile stimulation for distraction. Lack of eye contact.
At this rate, he was going to end up inventing parchment that could write down one's thoughts, just so he might be able to keep taking notes somewhere other than in his own head without distracting Roger with his file.
"You didn't consider any other alternatives? Lots of people dream of going into Quidditch on a professional level… and it's difficult to get into, isn't it? Not something you just stumble into. And you've always struck me as a rather private sort of person."
Not just something to do.
"Was it the physics element behind the sport that was the allure? Or was that just one part of it?"
Narcissist. Avoidant. Roger wanted the attention, but none of the emotional requirements placed upon him by other people in personal relationships.
***
"I mean of course I did," Long fingers traced invisible patterns - always long, looping circular objects, some tightly curled some wide and lazy - before smoothing over the surface with his palm and starting over. The fabric felt pleasantly cool and slick under his fingers. "I'm not an idiot, I probably could have done anything I wanted but... Well... Ballycastle asked first."
Truth be told Roger had long looked into attending Cambridge for their physics program but as the looming threat of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named returning and the extremely lucrative offer from a professional team the path seemed obvious.
"Well, I mean, I definitely have an advantage over other players. It was - has been - an interesting challenge."
***
Alec bit back the urge to tell Roger that he, too, was presenting an interesting challenge, instead noting the patterns he was drawing into the suede material.
"Do you regret it at all, choosing Quidditch?" There were so many questions he was itching to ask, but the last thing he wanted to do right now was to push Roger too far and lose the fragile connection that had finally come about between them. "In what ways do you think your life would be different from the way it is now, had you gone into physics?"
Emotional distance. If Roger could just talk about facts… that did certainly seem to be having a profound effect on their ability to communicate.
***
The pale blue eyes, not unlike Alec's, glanced up and held the other man's icy gaze.
"No. I don't regret it. I'm doing something so many can only dream about and it's effortless." Now the circular patterns turned into stars. Star upon star, some small others large. They formed Daisy chains and looped into circles with their tips connecting. "Had I gone into physics? Oh I'm not sure. Probably holed up in a lab somewhere trying to prove simultaneous time or working on the probability wave collapsing theory to manipulate our outcome or 'luck'." Roger hated the term. There was no such thing.
"I'm worth...A lot. Had I gone into physics unless I made some brilliant discovery I'd probably just now wrap up my PhD, broke as hell, and just a cog in a lab for someone greater to explore their theory. I'd get excited by talks from Michio Kaku or Brian Cox or Alan Guth or eagerly talk about the time I saw a seminar by Steven Hawking but...I don't think my life would be interesting."
***
"Your life wouldn't be interesting for you? Or in the eyes of others?" That was such an important distinction, Alec's gaze moving between Roger's finger's motions and his own. It was rare for Roger to look at one directly, especially for an extended period of time. Was this an indication of increased comfort? Or confidence? He couldn't be sure.
"I'm sure the money must be a significant draw," he slowly nodded, noting Roger's remark upon being broke. His childhood upbringing more than sufficiently told the story there. "Being as successful as you are-- does it allow you to help your mother out financially?"
Emotional questions in the guise of facts.
***
"A bit of both, I think? There are so many people, magical and muggle, who lead boring lives. Not only to others but to themselves. I think that's the source of so much unhappiness that so many feel. Their lives are so incredibly average and... What do they have to show for it? It's all carbon copy of their neighbors whose story might differ slightly but it's really... It's all the same." He dropped his gaze back to the couch, sighed, and erased the maze of stars for the last time.
"Yeah, I help her. She refused help her whole life. My grandparents tried but they...I dunno they didn't have much and mum refused anyway." He could feel the shame burn on his face and took a deep, steady breath. "So I help her. She deserves it. I cost her a lot."
***
Wow. Alec was genuinely impressed. He could just sit back and listen for once. "That… attention, but from an emotional distance. Is that a draw, too?" He hesitated. "If that question makes you uncomfortable, you don't need to answer it."
It wasn't as though he would, if he were.
Although he was surprised at Roger's comment about costing his mother, Alec shaking his head in confusion for a moment. "What makes you say that? You don't think that she got everything that she gave back because she got to have you as a son?" A beat. "If she's half the mother you say she is, she would undoubtedly feel that way, that you were worth every last galleon, sickle, and knut. You don't agree with her?"
***
Again, Roger hesitated. To be fair he'd not stopped to consider the root of why he continued to stay in the spotlight when it clearly caused him such discomfort. He watched Alec, considering him not unlike a small predator weighing the options of prey the same size.
"To be honest, I never thought I'd get to this level. I mean, I expected my unique skill-set would gain me a bit of notoriety but I never expected the amount of attention. I...," He looked down, and sighed. "I didn't account for that."
Roger furrowed his brows and shook his head. "Alec, if it weren't for her stubbornness she wouldn't have struggled so much. If I hadn't been such a sick child she could have saved more money. She struggled so much isn't it only fair I help her now that I'm able to do so?" Surely he could understand? Afterall it was a promise he'd made since he were old enough to understand the situation they were in.
***
"Do you regret it? The attention, I mean. I… assumed that it would be easier to cope with than the attention you're often paid on a one-on-one basis. There's… distance there." Of course, he could be wrong there, too.
What was truly interesting in that moment, was the use by Roger of his name. Had he done that before? If he had, it was a rarity.
"I'm not questioning your desire to help your mother; not at all. It makes perfect sense. But you said that you'd cost her a lot. Why do you feel at fault for that? For something… did, or perhaps… were, when you were a child and couldn't have known better?" Had he always held himself up to an unreasonably high standard?
***
Did he regret the attention? Roger shrugged. Possibly? Maybe? "Strangely when it's in a large mass like a stadium or walking a red carpet it sounds like noise, like the him of traffic off in the distance. It helps when there is a lot of light, even if overly bright light hurts my eyes."
How could he forget the match against the Falcons when, heading to the goal, a now benched Chaser created a bright flash of light near Roger's face, causing him immense pain. Though light had always hurt, and Roger would complain of lights being too bright when to others it was a perfectly acceptable level of comfort.
"So, yes, I suppose there is distance there." Another shrug. He again swallowed, feeling the painful constriction of his throat. "As for my mother... It's a simple promise. I m-" he swallowed hard again and coughed. "I might be a lot of things but I don't break my promise. Not to her. She kept me instead of getting rid of me and suffered for it." Roger's head swam, the wave of nausea and dizziness threatening to pull him under.
***
Sensitivity to light. Made sense. Alec nodded, quiet for a long moment.
He should have been amazed, but it made a sad sort of sense. Merlin, the sea of guilt and shame Roger seemed to swim in on a constant basis. Surrounding himself with people-- fake friendships, his own smile a mere mask-- to forget about it all. The drugs and alcohol surely helped with that, too.
"Roger, if you were an investment, don't you think your mother got back substantially more than what she initially contributed? Wouldn't the… what you call suffering-- wouldn't it have been worth it for her because she got you out of it? Or…" Alec tented his fingers, quiet for a moment, "do you not think of yourself as a good son?"
A beat.
"If you'd like something to… distract yourself with, a cup of tea, or something else to keep in your hands, to focus on… just tell me. I'll even give you a book if you promise not to light it on fire," he added, hoping to ease his discomfort even if just for a spell.
***
He couldn't stop the choking feeling threatening to cut off his air supply, that in a chain reaction seemed to produce tears in his bright blue eyes. Fuck. The was no way Roger would lose it, especially here where every movement was being analyzed. He took a deep, shuddering breath, cleared his throat.
Suddenly, the tears disappeared and while sitting a little more stiff than normal, a devil-may-care type of grin slid into his lips. "Ah, sorry. I'm alright now. Anyway," he quickly picked up the same squishy ball he'd used in the last two sessions and tossed it about. "Yeah I mean, I did the best I could as a son but I'm just in a better position so I figured I'd help her, you know?"
His voice was light and casual, as though the two were discussing something as pleasant as the weather.
***
"Roger?"
Cocking his head, Alec took in a deep breath. That was that, then, he supposed.
"You have nothing to apologize for. This is meant to be a safe space." Right. That was a pointless endeavor. But at least he'd gotten closer. "This… radically different Roger that I'm now talking to... maybe you can answer me this other question. That... facade you put on. Are you ever worried that someone won't buy it? That it won't be… realistic enough to fool someone? We both know this is just a lie. You're just an excellent mimic."
***
"Oh for fucks sake, I'm the same me." Roger snapped. "I'm certainly not suffering from multiple personalities or anything ridiculous like that. I just needed a moment to compose myself." He shifted irritably in his seat and shot another glare at Alec, half angry at the man for getting so close and half angry at himself for allowing him to be too close.
"It's not mimicry, it's just who I am. I might feel a bit uncertain in certain situations but above all I'm fine. So, no, I don't think people will 'catch on'." Fucking hell he needed a smoke.
***
"I'm not saying you have Dissociative Identity Disorder; I'm saying that your entire demeanor changed completely in the span of just about five seconds. People don't generally do that."
His jaw was tight, Alec taking in a deep breath as he watched Roger.
"You are a mimic. That's who you are. But I think we should probably stop there for today, don't you?"
***
"No, I don't think I want to stop." Roger replied in that same bored, haughty tone. This was his session after all. This was about him. It was Alec's job to see it through no matter what. He watched the other man as though he were an interesting test subject. "Why should we?"
***
Interesting.
"All right," he said, shrugging. "I generally assume that you'd like to leave here as quickly as you possibly can, but I'm more than happy to keep going. What would you like to talk about?"
If he wanted to keep going, he'd be the one to choose the direction.
"Whilst staying on topic, of course," he added.
***
Visibly deflated, Roger sank back onto the couch. He'd hoped for a bit more struggle than what Alec had given.
"Tell me why I'm a mimic, then. You seem to think I'm incapable of feeling real emotion and that I'm some sort of living mirror." The therapist was right; while he did feel emotion it didn't always seem to come as natural to him. "Are you going to label me a sociopath as well?"
***
"No, you feel emotion." He shook his head. "But it's never easy. You've always struggled with intimacy. And while most people can't tell… we both know you're just very observant and very intelligent."
He held back the amused chuckle that might have left him otherwise, Alec shook his head. "No, not a sociopath, though you do have… some of the traits. Very charming… often selfish. And while you did light fire to one of my books, you do have a conscience."
***
"You're never going to let me live that down, are you?" Roger chuckled with a slight shake off his head. Burning the book had been very rash and truth be told he wasn't exactly sure why he did it beyond to illustrate a point: the outcome of these talks would cease a certain version of both of them to exist.
"But you're right," he agreed. "I do have a conscience, even if I'm pretty sure not a lot of people would agree with that." Not just Nora or Cho, but a handful of women he'd picked up while having disappeared to Goa.
***
"Call it a connection we can both smile about. Not a lot of those exist. So I suppose you'll just have to light something else in my office on fire for me to let you live that one down," he chuckled, a soft shrug leaving him.
"And yes. You absolutely have a conscience. The way you talk about your mother is a dead giveaway that you do, in fact, have feelings. It just doesn't… feel very natural, maybe." Alec reached over to take a sip from his mug, frowning when he found his tea cold. Unfortunate. "I'm not judging. I'm just curious if you'd prefer it to feel more natural."
***
"Isn't it arguable that because this is my mode of operation that this is natural?" After all, forging emotional responses didn't seem like a genuine way of reacting if this was how his brain was wired to respond to stimuli. "By changing it you are changing me to respond in a way that is not natural to who I am." He shrugged.
"But really I'm just a person who throws around a ball and rides a fast broom. Can't say I know much about the human mind beyond what I 'mimic'."
***
"You're well-practiced. It's natural to you because it's habitual." He was quiet for a long moment, shaking his head. "I am not hoping to change you, Roger. Not unless you want to change."
He took in a deep breath. "What do you have to gain by doing this? You're welcome to leave. Are you hoping to get me to break?" He'd have one hell of a time trying, that was for sure.
***
A soft, annoyed sort of chuckle slipped from Roger. "Habits are born or of routine which are born out of familiarity which is born out of inherent nature." Really, Alec could be so pedantic when he wanted to be. Perhaps it was a way to test Roger or simply his way to harvesting information without others realizing his intention.
"I get to keep my job." Roger replied coolly, daring to steal a glance at Alec before readjusting the coat he has still yet to remove. "I get to keep my job and go back to my life as it once were." He paused thoughtfully. "With a few changes." Of course those changes mostly revolved around Cho and Nora. "But why would I want to break you, Alec?" He looked up once more through the curtain of dusty lashes. "I need you, supposedly. But I think it would be simple to break you if I wanted. Boringly so."
***
He shrugged. "If it suits you better to pretend, I suppose I can't fault you. It is, after all, in your nature to do so."
At his comment about his job, Alec chuckled. "I didn't say you're welcome to leave, never come back, and lose your job. I said that you're welcome to leave because if you wanted it to be, this session could be over. But you're still here."
They were back to the chess match. It was unfortunate, truly, but it wasn't as though he entirely minded, Alec taking a moment to crack each one of his knuckles in turn, his gaze trained on Roger's.
"What changes?" he asked, deciding for the moment to simply… ignore his attempt at baiting some kind of reaction out of him. It did always so annoy Roger when he was ignored.
***
Sometimes Roger forgot that Alec wasn't as easy to manipulate as others, which both frustrated and annoyed him. Settling back once more, Roger traced a long, looping line with smaller tendrils snaking off ending in little curled ends much like an ivy.
"Changes." He replied simply. "People, mostly. Like Nora." The drawing stopped and he looked up, watching Alec closely. To an outsider it would appear the two were having a casual conversation had Roger's voice not been a little too light. "How is she, anyway?"
***
There was… a deep inhale as Alec leaned back in his seat and licked his lips, fighting to keep his amusement off his face. Chess, then. Taking another swig of the now-cold tea, almost as though passive-aggressively refusing to heat it up or make more, he glanced down at Roger's hands. Well. At least he was feeling more comfortable again.
"Missing your friendship, I'm sure."
***
"She's probably missing more." He smirked, wiping away the pattern and staring at Alec, his eyes oddly cold. "Does she still like it when she's choked when you're fucking her? Not," he made a gesture with both hands. "To hurt, of course. She always liked it when I put just enough pressure on her neck. She'd squirm and whimper while I was inside her and try to get away but she loved it." Roger spoke low, quick and breathlessly, as though trying to impart the feelings of raw, ruthless sex onto the man currently holding Nora's affection. "But you've never seen that part of her, have you?'
Because Roger had. He'd seen Nora in every state imaginable: tired, dirty, fearful, elated, in the throes of ecstasy, finding pleasure in pain... And in his egotistical mind that made Nora his.
***
His jaw seemed to tighten, Alec fighting his hardest to maintain the placid expression on his face. The more he spoke, the more he struggled, Alec finally waving his hand to unlock his cabinet, Roger's folder finding its home on his lap as the drawer closed and he summoned a pen into his hands, opening it to write down a few notes before closing it again and looking up at Roger.
"I've seen every part of her, Roger."
It took him every single ounce of his willpower to keep from adding anything onto that sentence.
***
At first anger slipped from behind the cruelly indifferent mask before being replaced with genuine curiosity. The file: his file. The Pandora's box of Alec's professional insight into him.
"What are you writing?" Roger asked, leaning forward despite himself. He'd wanted to add more detail about Nora, to make Alec question whether he'd truly seen every part of her as Roger had seen, but now he sat transfixed by the thick folder.
***
God, that had almost worked too well. Alec bit back the urge to look fucking gleeful at having won this particular battle of wills. Sure, he'd be thinking about Roger's words for longer than he probably wanted to after this, but that, too, he'd take over having to hear more details about their sex life.
"Pay the folder no mind," he said, instead looking up at Roger with a smile.
***
"Then why bring it out?" Roger snapped with annoyance. "Seriously, do you do this to fuck with me? What's in it?" It would be so simple to pull out his wand and summon the folder to him but a tiny part - the part that didn't want to know - stopped that set of actions from taking place.
***
Merlin, this was satisfying to watch, Alec pressing his lips together to keep from smiling. He'd have to remember this for next time that Roger tried to get a rise out of him.
"I had to write something down," he said simply. "But I can put it away again if it's distracting you?" From talking about Nora, perhaps?
***
Roger scowled at the pressing of Alec's lips. Fucking hell the man was playing him.
"Why don't you tell me what it is you wrote and I won't tell you more about what you don't know about Nora?" Seemed like a fair enough trade in Roger's opinion.
***
He was playing with fire. Hell, he was staring fire right in the fucking face. He could give him what he wanted, but then... that would put Roger in a position of control in his office. Absolutely not.
Taking in a deep breath, Alec steeled his gaze. "Try me."
***
A soft sigh and Roger's eyes roamed over Alec as though he were trying to decide the most vulnerable spot.
"I don't know," Roger frowned. "I'm supposed to keep working with you. It's... Mutually assured destruction. I anger you, you call Samantha and ruin my career. I tell you every fucked up detail of how Nora was sexually and damage your image of her." He shrugged again and glanced to the absent clock on the wall. Surely they must have been nearing the end of their time together.
***
"I would not call your agent over something so petty as your inability to restrain yourself," he said simply, cocking a curious brow. "And you may leave any time you like," he nodded at Roger's glance at the wall.
***
"Oh you wouldn't?" Roger raised an eyebrow, matching Alec's movements. "So what's stopping me from simply not showing up? Or showing up and leaving immediately after?"
If there could be a loophole to exploit Roger hoped to find it.
***
"Perhaps you misunderstood. If you decided to continue to try to... 'break me,' if you will, I would not be so petty as to stoop to your level and call your agent. I certainly hope to cultivate a positive relationship with you, but that also means accepting the fact that sometimes you can be a petulant, precocious child."
Uncrossing and recrossing his legs, he continued. "As for your attendance, that I would be contractually required to report. I have to keep you here for an amount of time that I consider suitable. Which means that... once I give you the word, you are welcome to either stay or leave. Needless to say, if you were to leave prior to my permission, I would have to place a call"
***
"A child?" Roger laughed, though the mirth didn't reach his eyes. White hot fury burned inside and the overwhelming desire to wipe the ridiculous smugness of Alec's face overrode any filter left in place. "I might be a child, Alec, but I don't delude myself info confusing lust for love."
Again, Roger laughed.
"You seriously think Portree would get rid of me? Seriously?" He leaned forward eagerly. "So you have any idea how much money I make that team? If anything I'll get benched for a bit, do some ridiculous press conference where I have to say how sorry I am and go on basically a vacation to some overpriced rehab that's more or less a day camp for adults. But you," He leaned back, licking his lips and grinning. "You seriously think you're in love with Nora when it's been... What, a month at best? Fucking hell mate, I know she's good, but this is infatuation. Do you really think you can sustain this for years like we did? What, is she some substitute for Katie given she's apparently too damaged to let everyone but you near her?"
He shivered slightly, feeling almost as though his every atom buzzed with excitement and heightened emotion from this exchange. Honestly, a fucking child?
***
"No, you seem to keep the two quite distinct," Alec muttered, taking in a deep breath as he opened the folder to mark down something else, his section on Roger's sexuality slowly expanding. There was very little that Roger seemed to know about either. Snapping the folder shut again, the movement almost terse, the tension on his face was almost self-evident at his mention of Nora.
"I don't believe I have discussed my feelings on Nora with you, Roger." Nor were they any of his business. "As for Portree, that is their business, though I'm sure there must be a good reason you ended up returning for a second session."
God help him, he couldn't help the mirthless chuckle that left him. "I do not need a substitute for Katie. But I also don't sleep with her. I understand the the lines separating friendship and sexuality may be blurred for you, but they are not blurred for everyone else."
***
The folder again. Roger stared hungrily at it, willing it to fly from Alec's hands and... And what? He couldn't run away. Even with his physical skills Alec could easily hex him, or Greta intervene, or who knew what sort of security measures - magical or otherwise - were in place.
Two deep, calming breaths and Roger managed to look at Alec. At the very least he was cracking the annoyingly calm, superior exterior. He has a point: Samantha threatened to remove him from the team of he didn't follow through with therapy. At the very least rehab which sounded even less appealing. That was why he'd returned for a second and third session.
"Maybe you call them blurred because you're frustrated you could never cross that line. There is a huge difference between sex and emotional attachment, Alec. Surely you of all people would know that. Do you really think Nora loves you or is just moving on to the next most stable thing that will give her pleasure?"
***
"Frustrated?" Alec just blinked at him. "Frustrated that I would never want to sleep with someone who is like a sister to me? Have you slept with all the women in your life that you know to be attractive, Roger, or just the ones that you have no respect for? And where, in that particular configuration, should I group Cho? Were you frustrated with your inability to sacrifice your friendship with her, too? Or just frustrated with your fear of rejection as a result of your crippling self-doubt and -loathing?"
The next most stable thing that will give her pleasure.
The words couldn't-- wouldn't seem to leave his ears, Alec opening the folder to write down something else. Perhaps he ought to be watching for more signs of APD. But for now, his views on sexuality were more than entertaining enough.
"I don't believe I've discussed Nora's feelings for me, either. You seem awful preoccupied with our relationship. If you are so certain that any feelings that may exist between us are a case of delusion, then why are you so jealous? Because you can't have her as your plaything anymore? You said it yourself. With your name and income and career, you could have practically any woman on the planet. Why this one? Especially when you spent so long leading her on that she no longer wants you."
Oh. He was annoyed indeed.
***
"I have always respected Nor-" Alec's question about Cho stopped Roger from finishing his defense on Nora. "Cho was different! I knew she didn't lo- feel the same way!" And how could she? Cedric had been the only one, until Fin, she'd ever cared about in that regard. How was Roger ever able to compete with the ghost of a first love? "I respected that about her and kept my feelings to myself."
He was breathing very fast, trying not to let his emotions: all the anguish and frustration and sorrow and longing come pouring out. Despite everything Roger hadn't allowed himself to feel too deeply on this matter lest he fall completely out of control of himself.
With bright eyes and more steadied but deep breathing, Roger looked to Alec.
"She was never a 'plaything', she was my best friend." He got to his feet, unable to sit anymore. He needed... Something. To do something. The statement of no longer wanting him hit like a bludger to the gut. Of course Nora wanted him; she always had and this wouldn't change it. "You're wrong. Nora might be physically with you but she's always been with me on a deeper level than you can comprehend. You have no idea what either of us have been through together."
Which, a nasty voice cackled somewhere in the back of his mind, wasn't enough to keep her around this time.
***
"Right. Then we do understand each other on the matter. I did believe us to be in agreement even in spite of your argument to the contrary," he sighed.
Well, at least he'd managed to regain control of the situation, even if emotions seemed to be itching to come out of him in spades now. He hadn't been wrong. Make an incorrect claim, and he'd be quick to correct it.
"I believe to have a fairly decent idea." Alec paused, considering his words carefully. "Though I suppose I do have to ask now; if she meant as much to you as you claim, why would you let that go? Why not fight to keep that bond alive?" He'd go to no end of lengths to maintain his friendship with Katie, that much was for certain.
***
"Because!" It was easier to let Nora go. It was easier to push her away than run the risk of rejection the way Cho had clearly rejected him. Somewhere in the back of his mind Roger always knew Cho would never be his despite the continuous chase over the years... But Nora was different. She would always be there and be available when Roger would be able to be a decent partner to her.
He dug the heels of his hands against his eyes causing little stars of light up pop across his vision. Pressure was building in the base of his skull as it so often did when threatened with a headache.
***
"I'm sure I don't need to tell you that that is not an answer." He sighed.
"It was self-destructive of you to simply leave after you got out of the hospital. Were the shame and guilt you felt truly so great that it was worth losing her? Self-destructive behavior seems to be a trend in your life, but are you aware of just how damaging your actions are when you do them?"
That was the million-dollar question, wasn't it? He wondered if Roger's sanity would last him long enough to actually answer.
***
"I did not lose her." He replied through gritted teeth, standing perfectly still with hands pressed to his eyes. It felt good to say it even if not all of him was entirely sure it was a lie.
***
"How certain of that are you, Roger?"
A part of him couldn't believe that Roger was still here of his own volition. "Have you ever done a single selfless thing for her? Have you apologized to her for what you put her through?"
If all else failed, he could always offer the opportunity for Roger to speak to her within the confines and safety that his office provided.
"Do you even want to apologize?"
***
"Of course I have!" The hands dropped to his sides with a tired jerk. "Do you seriously believe I am incapable of treating someone with consideration? Nora is not a carpet; if I had treated her terribly she would have left, or punched me or something." The many times the two sat huddled under the pillow fort they'd build, talking about life and hiding away from the world when it became too much. The many times Nora would sleep on the couch only for Roger to pick her up and carry her to bed so she would get a decent amount of sleep. The many gifts he'd get for her just because. The dinners. Staying by her side when she was suicidal to ensure she didn't lose her life. Roger had always considered her first before himself.
"Why? Has-has she said otherwise?" The flicker of fear danced behind his eyes. "Nevermind. I don't want to know." And he sat back down.
***
"You are a topic that… we generally try to avoid." He closed his eyes, thinking back to that emotional rollercoaster of a day when Dora had come to interrogate him. "For obvious reasons."
Talking about exes was a thing one did generally steer away from with their significant other, after all.
Alec was quiet for a moment.
"Would you ever like her in here to talk to? It would be a safe and controlled environment." He'd be shocked if she wasn't willing for his sake. "I couldn't imagine not being able to talk to Katie anymore. And-- believe it or not, I really do want you two to have a healthy, constructive relationship if that is still possible." Just… not a sexual one.
***
Roger wasn't surprised to hear they didn't discuss him. Nora was neither a sadist or masochist (despite her jokes otherwise) and wouldn't subject Alec to that type of mental torture. At the very least Roger hoped she wouldn't, as he knew well enough Alec to be a decent man who could give her more than he ever could.
A soft shake of his head, Roger sighed. "I don't... Want to talk to her." It had come out barely above a whisper while staring down to his hands. "No, I'd rather not talk to her." His voice carried more conviction. "If she wanted to talk to me she would. She hasn't." Or perhaps she had and Roger simply had ignored her out of fear of what would be said. "So no. I'd rather just move on." It was all he could do. Forward, not backwards.
***
Alec stared at Roger, half-disappointment, half-surprise. There was something undeniably sad about what he was being told here.
"You said you didn't lose her. That she was your best friend. That the two of you shared a bond that ours couldn't even compare to." Why wouldn't he want that back? "Are you really so convinced that she hates you that much?" A beat. "Say she did want to talk to you. Would you turn that opportunity down?"
***
"Alec I don't want to talk to her, okay?" Roger snapped. How was this such a difficult concept for an otherwise very intelligent man to understand? "I told you before: I only go forward, not backwards. Besides," he looked miserably out a window. "These... Things, friendships, relationships, whatever... They always come to an end. It's just the way it is. Can't really linger on it too much. It never bothered me when I was a kid, you know?"
He returned his gaze back to Alec. "The end of the school years before Hogwarts when I had to go to a sort of day class thing." Roger knew not everyone had been able to do such a thing, but his mother's boss was kind enough to provide her with the opportunity for him to learn and socialize with other children instead of being left at home all the time. "They'd always very before the start of the summer holidays, especially if one student wasn't coming back and I found it so bizarre. Now, though, the older I'm getting the more, em, difficult I'm finding it to let go of others."
***
Almost excessively defensive. Merlin, how terrified was he of Nora's rejection?
"It's normal for it to be difficult," he acknowledged quietly. It was comforting, in a way, that Roger did find it to be as such. It should be difficult.
"Roger," he said quietly, not quite looking at him as though hoping it might avoid his feeling uncomfortable at the question that would follow. "Do you have anyone left?"
***
"Of course I do." He laughed, looking at Alec as though he'd grown two heads. "I'm not some hermit. I'm surrounded by people. Sometimes annoyingly so. There is Alicia," who he'd been avoiding. "And Terry," who he kept making excuses to not hang out with. "Oliver," they'd share an occasional pint when their paths crossed. "Fleur," the two would email from time to time and occasionally have lunch when she came to England. "Luna," who liked everyone. "Hannah," the two had long talks late at night when Roger couldn't sleep and wandered into the Leaky. "Not to mention Samantha, my teammates, our coaches and trainers and entire PR staff and then they are the fans. I see a lot of familiar faces I genuinely enjoy talking to."
He shrugged again, sighed and glanced at the blank spot on the wall. Surely it had been an hour.
***
"But you're not close to any of them."
A part of Alec felt certain that he knew more about Roger at this point than any of these people did, and not just because he was intuitive and observant.
"You don't open up to people easily." Or at all. "There are just exceptions to that rule. Like Nora. Who knew you even better than Cho did." She, after all, had known about the drugs and the fact that he'd been in love with Cho for as long as he had. "And none of those people you listed were sitting at your bedside when you were in your hospital."
But Nora had been. And then he'd bailed.
***
"To be honest I'm glad they weren't there. I, well, to be truthful the idea that anyone was there makes me feel nauseous." He couldn't exactly put his finger on just why. Perhaps it had something to do with the perception others had of him and lying in a hospital bed from his own negligence. "And if I had to guess Samantha probably turned quite a few people away." She had a reputation for being incredibly tough and overly protective of her investments, even nearly turning away Alicia when she'd requested to pop by.
***
"Did it make you feel uncomfortable because you couldn't get away? There's an emotional closeness there; people caring enough to show up and talk to you… did you feel responsible for what happened? Guilty?"
He had to-- anything else didn't make sense.
"Why did you leave?"
***
"I just didn't want to be there." Roger deflected coolly. "In the hospital I felt confined and bored and, as you clearly know, I wasn't exactly offered a lot of chance to move about." Due to the fact that during moments of clarity the anxiety would trigger a panic attack. This display would show on the spiked lines of his heart rate and alert the nurses before he'd manage to pull the IVs out, but a few times he'd made it out of the room and even once nearly out the door had a nurse coming in for her shift not recognized him.
"As for me leaving," he sighed, digging both hands into the pockets of his coat. "It wasn't some grand scheme for attention or whatever," Roger's face burned at to the thought. "I simply woke up in the middle of the night and decided I needed to clear my head and take a bit of a break from it all." Which meant turning off his phone and disappearing completely.
***
"That's why you didn't want anyone there?" That didn't make any sense. "Did it make you uncomfortable to know that there were people there while you were still comatose? Or would that have been all right, seeing as you didn't know you were there, then."
Alec took in a deep breath. Goodness. What to do with Roger. He had no idea. He was pretty sure Roger didn't have any idea, either.
"I didn't think it was," he started, shaking his head. "Did it help to clear your head?"
***
"I'd really rather they didn't. Especially my mother..." There it was, the painful clenching of his throat. Roger looked down, trying to force his face to remain neutral but sadness kept tugging the corners of his lips downward.
He regained his composure after a moment, hands shaking and heart pounding very hard. Roger reflected on the weeks spent in Goa, lounging on the beach, at the bar with a different woman every night (usually married) and the last woman he'd been with before returning home.
"Eh, yeah, I think so." He replied offhandedly
***
"Because you didn't want her to have to see you like that?"
Nora hadn't left his side, not once. But then, she'd been familiar with the things he did. Did that make it easier to cope with her knowing?
"Roger, I think if I heard even half of the things that you think about, not only would we be making more progress, but I'd probably never get a word in, edgewise." He couldn't help but smile at that, even if just a little. "It doesn't help anyone, holding everything in. It's why people turn to coping mechanisms in the first place."
***
"She didn't need to see me like this."
A deep, long-suffering sigh escaped from his lips. "Look, doc, I'm tired. This shit is hard. I'll tell you about it another time." Roger stood up and paused, as though long to Alec for permission to leave.
***
"I know it is. I'm about that."
When Roger didn't just leave, Alec… blinked. "You've been free to go for a while, Roger."
***
"I... Yeah I suppose I have, hm?" Roger smirked. "Until next time, then." He walked out the door giving a lazy wave behind him.