Anthony (soulvoid) wrote in voicesinmyhead, @ 2007-07-10 12:28:00 |
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Current mood: | bored |
Current music: | "Becoming X"/Sneaker Pimps |
Entry tags: | anthony martin, prompt #03 |
Prompt #3 - What Are Your Thoughts on Love?
I don't know what that is, exactly. I don't think it's something that lasts forever, like the storybooks try to convince us. Not even something as dysfunctional as the story of Heathcliff and Kathy has any basis in reality, does it? Two people locked in on being one and the same and never quite able to do anything but provoke and anger one another - a dark play on the same idea that there is one person out there for you. What if it isn't just one person? What if you're missing out on the vast landscape of people that you may connect to and may fulfill an aspect of life with you, but that may not be there once you've grown old?
What am I missing out on? Staying here with Ariel, when she shows up in my life, is lovely. It isn't enough, though. And I've relegated the softer side of myself that I've associated with love and emotion to this girl in my brain. It's to her I look when I feel the softer stirrings for people I may never have, too. People have come into my life in a steady stream since I started having my work produced to the public. The general idea is that since I write mostly of men and women falling in love forever, that this is who I am. As I said on my profile page, though, that is not me, either, as I don't write from my own truths very often. As much as I indulge in Ariel's soft curves and her snotty sense of superiority, I do not believe we'll grow old together. There is a history I've had with men, too. I don't prefer either sex over the other. There are things about men I like, and there are things I like about women. They don't overlap very much, but love was never a gender-based decision or feeling or whatever the hell it ends up being, in the greater scheme of life.
I don't feel myself trustworthy with love, and therefore, I will not be bringing any children into the world. That is a type of love I don't trust myself with, either. Whatever people think they believe about love, I"m not seeing them fulfill their promises in marriage and to their children. I won't be joining that world anytime soon, either. Call it the Peter Pan Syndrome if you like...
But does any of that have to do with Love?
I'm not interested in arguing that point. I'm more interested in experiencing my life without pounding it with questions like this. It makes it easier to deal with the day to day.
But if you press me, maybe I'll tell you what I hope about love, one day. Maybe the day after I find out whether she's really out there or merely in my head. Until then, I fill my life to the fullest it can get. I'm not placing my life in the hands of the fantasy.