Who: James Potter What: Voices Plot narrative When: Late Friday Night Where: Jailhouse Rating | Status: High | Complete
He couldn’t take it anymore. James was infuriated at everything. At this place. At these thoughts. He seemed to be seconds from seeing red at all times. The blood was pounding in his ears and his palms were sweating. He had tried to be at home a second night in a row. He wanted to be with Lily, but there was just something. There was a voice saying that she was making his life more complimented than he needed. That Petunia was not the only thing making him want to hurt people now. No…, everything. Fucking Remus with the moon coming up. Sirius apparently being too cool for Dorcas now. The way Lily was in trouble all the time. Fenrir just leaving the village. Richard, Lily and Josh for having their house fucking fall through the world. It was getting fucking stupid and he just had to leave. He couldn’t be at home, so he left. He stormed off, his fists clenching and releasing as he walked. He needed to be away from people. Far away. Where he couldn’t snap at anyone now. James knew… he just knew…
If something happened… James was not sure he could stop himself. He knew he would hurt someone. And if it were his Lils…
The tears were stinging his eyes. Why was it so fucking hot out? It was night and the sun was down. Fuck this place. His hands continues to clench and release as he stormed off toward the jail. He could be safe in there. He could stay away from everyone and out of reach. He just needed to get there. Needed not to talk to anyone. Just keep moving. Press on. He didn’t want to know if there was a chance he could control this unrelenting need to hurt someone. To just end his annoyance liked to some people. The way he just wanted to see red. That was not him. This was anything but James. No, he would never lie and say he was a nice person all the time. Even most of the time, but he was a good person. He couldn’t cause someone pain without real cause. Not in this manner. He could never simply remove someone from existing to make his life easier. That was not who he was. That was not James Potter. Why was he hearing it in his head? Why could he hear his own voice yelling at him? It was so hard to ignore it. Every passing phrase made it harder. He had broken his hand on the wall at work twice now, but it didn’t help. Normally, he could just punch something and get over it. The pain snapped him back to reality. And when that didn’t work? Lily. Lily always made him feel better,
But not now. She made it all worse for the first time ever. Her eyes and that beautiful smile was the only thing that always made him feel better. He loved her, beyond anything, and it killed him to know that he was not sure he could be around her. What if she said something that set him off? Then she could deserve it that voice said. James began to run, hoping he could make it to the door without falling. The moon was out, and so close to the full, he could see everything. So close, now. Just a little further and he would be safe. No, he thought. They will be safe.
The boy heaved the door open and slammed it shut before running down to the basement. Quickly he chose a cell and shut the door with such force, the adjacent cell’s opened up. He was alone. No one could get hurt here. No one to worry about. Why should you have to worry about any of them. No one matters but you. When did you become so soft? Letting others people force you to do their work? They’re weak and useless. You’re better off without them. The voice continued to sneer at him in such a venomous tone, he hadn’t ever heard it before. Not even speaking to Snape had his comments been so cruel. But they kept coming. Petunia would be better missing to everyone. She can’t even produce magic. Sirius has clearly decided on who he’d rather be with. Regulus probably caused it, and he’s breaking up the band. And Remus is nothing but a danger to everyone. He’s just a monster—
“No,” James cried out. He began to pull at his hair and closed his eyes tight. His glasses began to fog up as tears rolled down his face. But they wouldn’t stop. Everyone. His daughter-in-law. Edgar. Dorcas. Albus. LP2. “Just stop.” No one was worth his time. He was better than all of them. He was at the top of the food chain and they should just be removed. Gone. If they can’t prove their worth, then why should they even exist? Why should he had to watch them?
“STOP!” He screamed. His fist hit the wall. Then a second time. He could hear the soft thudding, but barely over the sounds of his own voice and the beating of the blood pumping through his ears. But he wanted it. To see the red. To get angry. They all deserved it. No one cared how he was, just wanted him to check in on them. Because they were so special. And why? No one mattered if they didn’t feel like he mattered. “My Lils…” he pleaded, dragging his hand down the wall.
No. Not even that was safe. He tried to think of all those amazing memories. The way it felt to have her kiss him that first time, hidden away in the old Charms classroom. The nights where they had rounds together because she wanted to get to know him better. When she met his parents over the holiday and he showed her the family tree farm. How it felt to stand just on the other side of the door while Lily and his mother talked in the kitchen—to hear them laugh at the same time. That’s what he wanted to remember, but all he could do was hear that voice. The way she used to yell “Potter” at him with obvious resentment. The times she chose Snape over him. Called him a brute. A bully. A toe rag. Useless. Pathetic. Every time she went out and dragged him through the mud with her insults. All he had wanted to do was love her. Years he spent throwing his pride aside just in the event of hearing her say she would be his. Six years of pain and shame. Six years of trying to be the person she wanted. That was what his mind was forcing him to remember.
His fist hit the wall again, but this time he felt the crack. Still the voices wouldn’t stop. He didn’t love her. He hated her. Hated everything about her. “No…” James sobbed as he started to bite his lip. He could feel the saliva building in his mouth as he just cried. His hand slamming into the stone wall, leaving bloodied prints behind. He felt utterly helpless. What if all this were true. What if he really just hated everyone? What then?
Just go outside. the voice said. that will make all of it stop. James slid down the wall. His bloodied hands cupped over his ears as he began to shake his head. But those words repeated. Just go outside. Still, he sat, huddled in the corner of the cell. Tears and blood streaming down he cheek as he began to pull at his hair. It matted and stuck in every direction. The more he tried to fight it, the louder each word got. Imploring him to simply go outside and end it all. End everything. End everyone. But he sobbed. Begged it all to stop.
Just finish them all off, the voices began to yell. But James was louder. He continued to scream over them. Years of being the insufferable ass in school paid off in that respect. His own voice echoed through the jailhouse as he stood up and released his hair. Fist once more hitting the wall before the cot was thrown into the side. The voices raged on, trying to get him to listen, but all James wanted to do was destroy. Break everything. Get the rage out. He tried to remind himself how he loved his fiancé. She was his world. How he was nothing without his mates—they helped define the man he was and not ruin him. His beautiful grandchildren and how they showed what an amazing man his son was. He tried. But each happy thought was met with a bad one. Peter betrayed him. He failed to raise his own child. Petunia tortured a child and treated him as a bad pet. He would have been better off without all of them. His fist collided with the wall once more and with the last crack of his bones, there was silence.
No more voices. No more words. The boy turned and let his back rest against the wall. The floor was splattered in blood, tears, and sweat, but they were all his own. Slowly, he slid down it one more time and drew his knees in. His hands once more desperately pulled at his hair. Days of anger and hatred polluting every moment. But now, all James Potter could hear was the sound of his own sobs echoing in the night.