innerslytherin (innerslytherin) wrote in viciousmoon, @ 2007-06-05 11:48:00 |
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Current mood: | depressed |
Current music: | Dave Matthews Band - The Stone |
Entry tags: | albus dumbledore, remus lupin, remus/severus, severus snape |
Things falling apart
Remus was late returning home from work because he'd had to stop at the corner shop for food. Then he had stopped to help an old neighbour lady coax her cat (he still thought it was half Kneazle) down from a tree. He had scratches up both arms, but he'd finally succeeded in returning the cat to its owner, and finally he was pushing through the front door and announcing, "Severus, I'm home!"
The house responded with resounding silence. He frowned and kicked off his shoes, then carried the groceries into the kitchen.
"Severus?"
No response. Remus shrugged and set about starting tea. Severus would be home soon, hopefully, and would be wanting his tea.
Severus did indeed stumble in through the Floo not an hour later, and in fact he wanted tea. He discovered that this new healing potion he'd begun brewing (an older formula he'd improved upon) made him rather ravenously hungry after so much of it, so when he stopped in their front room and shucked his heavy outer robes right onto the rug in front of the fireplace, he was pleased to smell the aromas of cooking food.
That was about all he was pleased about at the moment. Severus stalked into the kitchen, trying to wipe the glower off of his face, but he had a feeling it had become permanent. "When's tea?" he asked in greeting, tugging at the buttons of his robes, which despite his outer robes, were stiff with dried mud and blood, and torn down one side anyway, his once-white shirt hanging raggedly out on the right.
"Shouldn't be but a few more minutes," Remus said absently, adding a bit more pepper to the dumplings. Then he turned and say Severus and let out a noise of surprise. "God! What happened?" he demanded, striding across the kitchen to stand in front of Severus.
Severus gritted his teeth, not answering immediately. He got the chest opened and pulled his arms through, hissing at the sharp twinge his side gave because the muscle had just re-knit. He didn't even really want to talk about it - at least not before he'd calmed down some. There was just so much to be angry for, he wasn't certain he could give the bits that were Remus' fault the proper attention. Not to mention that they'd just had a nasty row where Severus had privately made a vow to not argue with Remus any longer. But Merlin, the man made it so hard to keep vows like that!
"Long day," he grunted, pushing his robes down and doing a few more buttons so he could shove them down his legs and step out of them entirely.
"Are you all right?" Remus asked, his forehead wrinkling. He got the Firewhiskey out of the cabinet under the sink and poured Severus two fingers of amber liquid.
"No," Severus snapped, irritated by the question. "Do I look all right?" he demanded, taking the glass of Firewhiskey and reminding himself that was exactly how he wasn't supposed to be acting.
Remus didn't like being snapped at, but he took a deep breath and tried again. "How can I help?" He didn't want to row with Severus again.
"I'm hungry," Severus said, then drained the entire glass in one go and dropped into a chair at the table, setting the empty glass down with a clank. He pulled the remains of his shirt off and tossed that onto his robes, then peered down at himself to check on the healing gashes on his stomach.
Remus stared at Severus' stomach for a moment, but it was obvious Severus wasn't in the mood to answer questions just now. Remus spooned chicken and dumplings on a plate and set it in front of Severus, along with bread and a cup of tea and mash. He filled his own plate silently and settled across from Severus.
Severus dug into his food with a ferocity he usually lacked, though he tried to keep himself from eating too quickly. Still, he ate and drank like a man half-starved, not bothering with conversation.
Halfway through the meal Remus set his fork down and simply watched Severus, torn between annoyance, hurt, and concern.
Severus drank deeply from his cup, finishing off his tea, and when he set the empty cup down, noticed that Remus was just staring at him in favour of eating. He looked at Remus' plate a moment, then up to his expression, which didn't seem to be able to decide on an emotion. "You going to finish that?"
Remus blanked his expression and shoved his plate across the table at Severus. "Help yourself." What was going on?
Remus didn't seem happy, but at the moment, Severus didn't care. Perhaps if Greyback hadn't pounced on him and wanted to know all about his past with Remus, he'd feel a bit more well-disposed towards him at the moment. He scooped the rest of Remus' plate onto his own, said, "Need more tea," and went back to eating.
Remus' eyebrows shot up, but he simply stood and refilled Severus' teacup. Then he decided that the way Severus was eating, he might as well bring the entire pan over to the table. He gave himself another helping of food as well.
Severus made himself stop after all that food was gone. He was still hungry, because on top of the side-effects of the potions, he also hadn't really eaten all day, but he didn't need to make himself sick and then go chuck. He sighed deeply and sipped his tea, letting his eyes mostly close as he stared at his empty plate.
"I can see you had a bad day," Remus ventured, when the silence had stretched on and Remus had finally finished his own meal. "Would you tell me about it?"
Severus sighed and raked fingers through his hair, then let it flop back into his face and tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling. "The Dark Lord found out about the duel, I had that raid that was the cause of the duel today, and Greyback practically jumped me wanting to know what I knew about you," he said tonelessly.
Remus stared at him for a long moment, then said, "Fuck."
Severus' head dropped, his chin almost hitting his chest, and he glared. "First I got punished for duelling when the Dark Lord has expressly forbid it amongst his inner circle, then the Lestranges jumped me because they were angry that they got in trouble, then I had to go to this Ministry bloke's house in the middle of the day to kill his wife and kids, and then I got cornered by Greyback, who was bloody interrogating me about you..."
Remus just kept staring at him, unable to take everything in. The silence stretched. Finally he said, "I'm so sorry, Severus." He wasn't sure it made sense, but it was better than anything else he could think to say.
Severus leaned forward and stared down at his plate again. "And now I'm going to have to go tell Dumbledore about it all."
"Can I help you somehow?" Remus asked, feeling a bit desperate. Severus didn't want him to take charge, but Remus wasn't sure what Severus did want.
"If you know of a way, tell me," Severus said, shrugging. He felt so tired, but he got up from the table anyway, strangely restless. He needed another set of robes to wear to Dumbledore's, and he supposed he shouldn't just leave the others lying on the floor.
"You've taken healing potions?" Remus asked, watching him. After a moment he stood, too, and went to put his arms gingerly around Severus. He was more than a little afraid he would be pushed away.
Severus sighed and leaned against Remus. He was surprised that he no longer had any desire to shout at his lover; perhaps the food had helped. Or perhaps he was just so weary from the day he'd had. "Yes, I've taken healing potions. Had a nasty gash up my side from the raid." He would leave it at that; he didn't want to talk about the woman trying to protect her children. Merlin, he couldn't bloody do this any longer!
"I need another set of robes so I can go see Dumbledore, and I need to bin the others I wore today." He didn't move.
Encouraged by the way Severus leaned against him, Remus tightened his hold protectively. "Why don't you come upstairs and have a shower?" he suggested, his voice gentle. "I'll get you some fresh clothes."
Oh yes, a shower sounded brilliant. "All right, thanks." Severus let Remus lead him upstairs.
Remus got the water heating and left Severus to finish undressing while he went to get fresh clothes. He wandered back into the bathroom when he was done and found Severus still standing there. "D'you want help?" he offered.
Severus sighed. "Just putting off the inevitable." He peeled off his trousers himself because he didn't want Remus to feel like his house-elf, and then shimmied out of his pants.
"I don't mind helping, you know," Remus said. "I'd offer to get in with you, but I'm afraid you wouldn't trust me to behave myself." He wondered if a small joke were allowed.
Severus frowned a moment, thinking he'd like Remus not to behave himself. Then he got an idea to haul Remus under the spray with him, clothes and all, but he stopped that thought before it got too well ahead. "Of course I trust you," he said tiredly, then ducked under the spray, feeling defeated.
God, Severus sounded so bloody depressed. Remus rubbed at the back of his neck, wondering what he should do. "I was only joking," he explained, then bit his lip. Well, who cared, anyway? He shoved his jeans and pants off and then shrugged out of his shirt so he could step into the shower and wrap his arms around Severus again. "I wish I could make it better," he murmured.
Severus immediately clung to Remus tightly, leaning into the embrace again. "I just can't bloody do it any more. I knew when I agreed to spy for Dumbledore that I'd continue on as I had, but all these raids... I don't like killing people any more," he said, stressing it as if it were some sort of surprising revelation.
"Of course you don't," Remus said, stroking a hand over Severus' hair. "It isn't fair he makes you do this." It also wasn't fair that his body was already giving stirrings of interest when he had a feeling Severus wasn't in the least interested in sex.
Severus nuzzled Remus' neck, closing his eyes and letting the warm water and Remus soothe him. "It's not," he sulked, nudging their hips together even though he knew he should be getting washed so he could get to Dumbledore's.
"Nnnh," Remus said, half in surprise and half in desire. Merlin, Severus just always aroused him.
Severus felt a smirk growing, amused by Remus' little noise. He loved making Remus lust.
Remus kept stroking Severus' hair, trying to calm down. What had he expected, getting naked and wet with Severus? But he hated to see Severus so miserable.
Severus slid an arm down low on Remus' waist, then snuck his hand down to squeeze Remus' arse. Perhaps giving Remus pleasure would make him feel better. He had an idea it would.
"Ah," Remus gasped, surprised by that hand. "Wh--That doesn't make it easy to behave myself," he commented, somewhat breathless already.
"Oh good," Severus replied, kneading the flesh under his hand.
"Ohhh." Remus gave a full-body shiver of want, feeling his spine go a bit melty. "Fuck, Severus."
"Yeah?" Severus asked, beginning to feel more physical stirrings of interest, himself.
Remus groaned. "Didn't mean--oh, fuck, yeah!" he said, giving in. He pulled Severus in for a kiss.
Severus squeezed and kneaded and kissed Remus hungrily, his other hand reaching down to join the first. Merlin, he just couldn't resist Remus, even when Remus was behaving.
Remus knew he was just hopeless. He was completely addicted to Severus. He tangled his fingers in Severus' hair and deepened the kiss, loving their closeness. His other arm pulled Severus even closer.
Severus groaned softly into the kiss, stroking his hands over Remus' back. "What can I do for you?" he murmured between kisses.
That surprised Remus; shouldn't he be the one doing something for Severus? But he wasn't sure how to ask that without making Severus upset. "This is good for a start," he murmured throatily. What did he want?
"All right," Severus gasped, liking Remus' tone. "Mmm, you feel so good." He nipped Remus' bottom lip.
"Oh--oh likewise," Remus agreed, pressing his cock gently against Severus'. "Love you."
"Love you," Severus sighed, letting this distract him from concerns that for now existed only outside of their home.
"Mmm." Remus stroked a hand down Severus' back. "Will you...suck me?"
Severus wasn't entirely certain his technique would be anything to write home about at the moment, but he shifted carefully to his knees. He made certain he was steady, holding Remus' hips in his hands, before he leaned forward to give Remus' cock a lick.
Remus let out a shaky moan and caught himself on the shower wall as his knees buckled slightly. "Oh, God, Severus."
Severus almost wished Remus would change his mind, but he smiled at Remus' reaction and licked the head again, circling it with his tongue.
Remus panted and slid his fingers into Severus' hair. "Oh, Severus," he managed, leaning against the shower wall.
Merlin, and Severus just had a feeling he wouldn't get his end away, either. He licked stripes all down the underside of Remus' cock, then repeated it with the top, stroking his fingers over Remus' thighs.
"Fu...fuuuck." Remus could feel another shiver of pleasure wash over him. He tugged Severus' hair lightly. "Wait--" he ordered, "not yet. Too close."
Severus pushed down a twinge of disappointment - he wouldn't have minded it being done soon. He pulled back from Remus' cock a little, looking up at him.
"I..." Remus paused to breathe. "I want us to fuck, not just me to get off like this."
Severus felt guilty for how relieved that made him. He stood slowly and leaned against Remus again, nuzzling him. "Let me just get clean first?"
Remus wrapped his arms around Severus, pressing his cheek to Severus' and breathing fast. He kissed Severus' temple, then pulled away and reached for the soap. "Let me help." He lathered his hands and began stroking them across Severus' skin, watching the way his hands looked against Severus' paler chest and arms. God, he loved Severus so much.
Merlin, that felt so good, Remus touching him. Severus pulled back to give Remus more room to touch him, eyes slitting. He pushed all thoughts of the day out of his mind, letting Remus' touch relax and arouse him.
Remus smiled faintly, concentrating on working the soap across every bit of Severus. He massaged tight muscles in Severus' back and calves, then worked his way down to rub Severus' feet. It felt good to, well, to serve Severus like this, to do something to help him. Remus leaned in and nuzzled Severus' thigh.
Severus turned his gaze downward to Remus, smiling faintly. He felt such a rush of affection for his lover, that Remus would take care of him like this. Usually he insisted that he didn't need it and pushed away offers of help, but just now he couldn't. He didn't want to. It was nice to be reminded that Remus wanted to care for Severus the way Severus wanted to care for him. It was nice to not always be the one on his knees.
Merlin, they hadn't started out like that. Severus suddenly wondered how things had progressed to this; how their roles had changed so much. He knew it was his fault, but it hadn't felt like any conscious decision on his part -- at least, not at first. Now it was. But why had it ended up that he'd needed to make that decision? Why wasn't their relationship the same any longer? Was it entirely the blame of the bite; Remus' Alpha status?
Remus glanced up and caught Severus watching him. His smile widened slightly, his chest constricting a little. The expression on Severus' face made Remus feel so much better--as if he were managing to do something right, at least. He worked his hands back up Severus' legs, closing his fingers gently on his lover's cock. He wasn't sure what Severus wanted. He stood, sliding his free hand up Severus' back and then pulling them closer together.
Severus put his arms around Remus, his breath going uneven. "Love you," he uttered, kissing his way up Remus' neck.
"I love you so much," Remus replied, shivering slightly and arching his neck. "You're so--you."
Smiling against Remus' skin, Severus stopped just below Remus' ear and nuzzled him. He felt so good, just because Remus had done something for him. He wasn't even feeling depressed any longer, but he knew that at least part of that was because he was Occluding against what he'd gone through earlier that day. Still, it was amazing the way Remus could affect his mood so strongly.
Remus scratched his fingernails lightly up Severus' back and massaged his cock. "D'you want to fuck me?" he murmured.
Severus shivered, conflicted. It was a while before he could decide on some kind of answer. "I can't put off going to see Dumbledore much longer," he uttered at last, aware that still wasn't an answer.
Remus blinked. "...Oh." Did that mean Severus didn't want to? He never seemed to want to fuck Remus anymore. Remus swallowed and wondered if he ought to stop stroking Severus.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Severus inwardly demanded of himself, but got no reply. He'd been feeling better, and all of a sudden he was right back to where he'd been, and he didn't want to have sex at all, suddenly. Merlin, everything was so fucked, and it was all his fault. It was always his fault. He'd fucking murdered children. It was a miracle Remus wanted anything to do with him, and yet he was the one ruining everything.
"Do...do you want me to stop?" Remus asked, trying to keep his voice from showing his hurt. "I just thought...I mean..."
Severus had the sudden and incredibly alarming thought that he might just cry. In a desperate attempt to keep from crying on Remus' shoulder when Remus was likely trying to hide his anger that Severus had just turned him down (and thus he would not be at his most sympathetic), Severus pulled away and stepped out of the shower, dripping across the tile as he grabbed a towel and darted out the door. He crossed the hallway and got into the bedroom before it occurred to him to stop and dry off, and by then he was shaking again, though it was far from cold.
"Wha--" Remus got out, staring after Severus. After a moment he reached out and shut off the water, then dripped his way after Severus. Whatever was wrong, this wasn't about sex. Severus might shout at him about sex, might sulk or call names or throw things, but he would never run away. Remus frowned and went up behind Severus and wrapped his arms around him again.
"All right, no sex," he murmured. "But can't you tell me how I can help?"
Severus stiffened when he felt Remus' arms go around him, and Remus' words only served to confuse him. Remus was being incredibly patient. He didn't even seem angry. "I don't know," he replied honestly, voice thick and desperate. "Everything is falling apart, and it's my bloody fault."
Remus sighed and kissed the side of Severus' neck. He just wanted to make everything better for Severus, wanted to take away whatever was hurting him or bothering him--and he was powerless to do it. He went around so he could face Severus, then wrapped his arms around him again. "I love you so much," he muttered.
Severus closed his eyes and clung to Remus tightly, his towel wrapped around his middle and staying up only because it was trapped between them. "I think I might rather go to Azkaban than have to keep doing this," he whispered fiercely.
Remus didn't know what to say to that. He stroked his fingers back and forth across Severus' skin, trying to impart comfort without letting go of him. He hated seeing his lover like this, and he was beginning to hate Dumbledore for making Severus do this.
"I can't do this for another twenty years," Severus added, tightening his embrace. "I can't stand myself, I can't stand what I've done, and now I'm ruining what we have, too."
"You aren't ruining what we have," Remus murmured, nuzzling Severus. "I'll always love you, Severus. I will." He resettled his arms around Severus, holding him close. "I wish I could take you away from this."
"I need you," Severus murmured. "I don't want to fuck this up, but I keep doing it anyway."
"No, listen," Remus said, "listen. I'm not going anywhere. No matter what, all right? I won't let you fuck this up." He kissed Severus' temple.
Severus let out a shuddering sigh, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. "Good. Thanks."
Remus placed a hand on Severus' head, holding him there. "I'm yours, Severus. Without you, I wouldn't even know myself anymore. I need you so much."
Severus shivered and closed his eyes. "Need you too."
Remus wasn't sure what to do with a Severus who was practically falling apart on him. He just kept holding on to Severus and rubbing his cheek just a little against Severus' hair. He would wait and see if Severus asked for anything.
Severus knew he should let go of Remus and get dressed and go see Dumbledore, but he didn't want to. He didn't know what would make him feel better, but he hated the thought of losing contact with Remus. He kept thinking of how things used to be between them, and wondering how he could make it like that again.
Finally Remus murmured, "Do you want me to go with you to see Dumbledore?" He didn't move or let go of Severus.
Severus did not want to have to discuss his day with Dumbledore while Remus was there. He'd feel worse. "No, I... I don't want to leave you, but I should go on my own."
It wasn't an unexpected response, but Remus sighed. "Come to bed, just for a little," he suggested. "Get warm again, and rest. Dumbledore can wait another hour."
Severus didn't know if Dumbledore would agree with that, but he couldn't deny the idea when it was such a good one. He drew away from Remus reluctantly to drop his towel and climb under the covers.
Remus climbed in bed right after Severus, pulling his lover against his chest and settling them both. "This is better."
Severus relaxed into Remus' warm embrace, nuzzling him in agreement. "Mmm, yes, much." Merlin, he could fall asleep like this. Well, he had an hour. Sleep would probably do him good. He closed his eyes.
It was a relief to feel Severus relaxing against him. Remus pressed his lips to Severus' hair and smiled.
Exhausted from his day, as well as how emotional he'd just been, Severus fell asleep quickly, and slept deeply, secure in his lover's arms.
Remus wasn't sleepy, but he did feel himself relaxing, too. He breathed deeply, wishing he could do more to help besides holding Severus while he slept. He knew he would have to wake Severus in time to report to Dumbledore, but for now this was something Severus needed. He listened to Severus breathing, enjoying the feel of his lover in his arms, and watched the minutes tick away. He let Severus sleep longer than an hour, simply because Hogwarts would be at dinner, and there was no sense in Severus spending that time waiting in Dumbledore's office instead of sleeping.
Finally, though, he could put it off no longer. He shook Severus gently. "Severus."
Severus "Mmph"ed and shifted a little, though he kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to wake up. He wanted to keep dreaming that he was lying on a sandy beach somewhere in the shade of a grove of palm trees, and that Remus was wandering around in one of those Muggle bathing costumes that left very little to the imagination.
"Severus," Remus urged again, shaking him a bit more. "Wake up, Severus."
"M'wake," Severus managed, shifting irritably. He really didn't want to be. "Stop moving."
Remus stopped moving, then sifted his fingers through Severus' hair and kissed him. "It's just after seven."
Severus kissed Remus with a general lack of co-ordination, then opened his eyes and looked at him. "You should wear sexy knickers," he informed Remus sleepily, and decided that as much as he didn't want to go, if it was after seven, he'd have to get ready so as not to be disturbing Dumbledore too late.
Remus stared at him. "Sexy knickers," he repeated faintly. "What, girls' knickers?"
Severus blinked. "Didn't you suggest I wear girls' knickers one time?" he asked, then remembered the instance - the morning after they'd moved in. "Yeah, you did. You wanted to tie me up and blindfold me and dress me as a girl."
"I did?" Remus said. He chuckled. "No, not all three at once, I don't think," he protested.
"Oh, right. Well, still." Severus hummed. "Still. I'd let you."
Remus blinked. "What, tie you up and blindfold you and dress you as a girl? Or wear knickers myself?" This was an absurd conversation, but it was arousing, too.
"First bits. Though if you wanted to wear them yourself, far be it from me to stop you," Severus murmured, nuzzling Remus' chest.
"Ohh," Remus said, liking that idea. Severus didn't like being tied up, he reminded himself. But the rest of it, that would be so bloody erotic... "I think we should try that."
"Yeah," Severus agreed, then rolled onto his back and rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Mph. Bloody hell." He sat up slowly, then dragged himself out of bed and threw on a pair of robes.
Remus sat up, watching Severus anxiously, though he was trying to hide his concern. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" he asked.
"Yeah." Severus pulled on a pair of pants, then looked around and realised he'd left his wand downstairs. Merlin. He pulled on his shoes. "Got to go. I'll try not to be too long."
"Severus," Remus said quietly, watching him to make certain he had his lover's attention. "You know I love you, no matter what. Right?"
Severus glanced at Remus, then crossed the room so he could kiss him. "I know," he said, and I'm grateful.
Remus smiled and returned the kiss. "Come home soon," he said, and got up to find a pair of pants.
"I will." Severus left the room and headed downstairs, digging his wand out of his bloodied robes (that were still strewn about the floor). He threw some Floo powder in the grate and called out for Dumbledore's office, then stepped into the flames.
Dumbledore's office was empty, but Fawkes squawked at Severus from his perch on the corner.
"Oh, just you?" Severus greeted, walking over to the phoenix. "I'm looking for Dumbledore." He glanced around, feeling a bit foolish for talking to Fawkes like he was going to answer. "He should be expecting me..."
Fawkes leaned forward to rub his head against Severus' shoulder. A few moments later, the door from the circular stairway opened and Dumbledore came in. "Ah, good evening, Severus," he greeted. "How are you, my boy?"
Severus stared at the phoenix warily, wondering if it wanted a treat (did one feed phoenixes treats?) or if it was about to turn and attack him or something, then backed away and turned when he heard the door. "Sir," he greeted, hoping he didn't sound as though he were dreading the meeting as much as he was. "I've had better days." He walked back over to the set of chairs. "How are you?"
"Quite well, thank you," Dumbledore replied, settling into a chair. He waved a hand at his tea set, which floated over and began steaming. "Tea?"
Severus took the other, nodding. "Thank you." The teapot poured, and Severus took a cup and saucer, balancing it on one knee.
Dumbledore took a cup of his own, then gazed at Severus. "Would you like to tell me about your day?"
Severus sighed. He had a feeling it would take a lot of explaining, but he started out vague. "The Dark Lord is not happy with me at the moment, so my day started out quite unhappily. Then I had the raid on that Ministry official's home, and then I got quizzed by Greyback about Remus."
"Ahh." Dumbledore combed fingers through his beard and sighed. "Why is Tom unhappy with you, Severus?"
"Well, I ah... I duelled with Rabastan Lestrange." Severus inspected his tea cup.
Dumbledore's eyebrows shot up. "You duelled with Rabastan Lestrange," he repeated, watching Severus.
Severus cleared his throat. "At an unlicensed duelling hall in Knockturn Alley. It was supposed to be private, but he found out."
One eyebrow lowered, and Dumbledore gave Severus what amounted to a stern look, from the headmaster. "Severus, you mustn't risk your position with Tom. I do hope the duel was, at least, merited."
"Well, he said that I was disrespectful to my 'betters'..." All right, somehow that didn't sound like a very good justification, when said to Dumbledore.
Dumbledore watched him for a long moment. "Presumably he meant the pure-bloods," he murmured, and sipped at his tea.
Severus scowled into his tea cup. He nodded, then sipped.
"Well. I certainly hope you put him in his place," Dumbledore said softly.
"Well, I won anyway." Severus bit back a sigh.
"Congratulations," Dumbledore said. He looked up at Severus. "I imagine that, as much as anything, displeased Tom?"
"I didn't think it had, but then he..." Severus did sigh, then. "My punishment was worse than Rabastan's."
Dumbledore frowned. "Are you well, Severus? Should you see Poppy before we continue?"
"No, I'm fine. I've taken several healing and pain potions since."
The headmaster studied him for several moments, then finally nodded. "Very well, then. Tell me about the raid."
"We went to London. I don't recall the man's name, but we broke into his house at about noon. Our targets were his wife and three children." Severus stared at the floor. He hated children, but he'd taken no joy in killing people who'd done absolutely nothing to warrant it. They couldn't even fight back or defend themselves.
Dumbledore sighed. "Of course. Leonidas Townes' family." He looked at Severus.
Severus nodded, recognising the name. "That's it." He took a deep breath. "I'm bloody sick of killing people."
A sorrowful expression crossed Dumbledore's face. "Ah, Severus," he said softly.
"I don't want to do it any more. I can't do it any more." Severus closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them, couldn't meet Dumbledore's gaze.
Dumbledore sighed and looked down into his teacup. "I was afraid this day would come," he said. His voice was still very quiet.
Severus shivered, wondering what Dumbledore would do to him. He didn't know what to say, or if he should say anything. But something had to change. It was killing him. "I can make a run for it and get myself killed, or I can go to Azkaban. Not sure if Dementors are worse than death."
"You are remembering to Occlude the entire time you are in your, shall we say, Death Eater persona?" Dumbledore asked.
Severus scowled, wondering what that had to do with anything. He was done with that, he was determined to be! "Yes."
"We cannot lose our spy amongst the Death Eaters, Severus." Dumbledore rubbed a hand across his face. "Neither running nor Azkaban are truly options for you, my boy."
Severus glanced up at Dumbledore, still scowling. "You can't stop me."
"True, I cannot." Dumbledore took a sip of his tea. "But have you considered what will happen to Remus if you attempt to defect?"
Severus blinked, his expression blanking, and then his scowl began to creep back in. "Why would something happen to Remus?"
"What would he do?" Dumbledore asked. "Would you ask him to choose between you and his beliefs? Would he flee with you and get himself killed? Would he go to Azkaban for you? Would he be discovered as a werewolf?" He paused. "Would Greyback capture him?"
"No, I wouldn't ask him to choose! He would stay here, with the Order," Severus insisted. "He'd be under your protection!"
Dumbledore levelled a steady gaze at him. "Do you honestly believe that, Severus?"
Severus glared. "You could make him stay."
"How?" Dumbledore sipped at his tea. "And at what cost to him, Severus? Would you break his heart? He chose you as his mate, his partner in life. It is true, werewolves will mate again. But generally speaking they tend towards serial monogamy. Would you have him choose someone else after Tom killed you? Or would you rather he pine for you over the course of years?" Dumbledore's tone was conversational, but his eyes were terrible. "It would kill him."
Severus' eyes widened as he took in Dumbledore's expression; as his words sunk in. Dumbledore wouldn't help Remus, not if it meant keeping Severus right where he was. He knew Dumbledore was right, too -- he thought back to the scare he'd had, when he'd thought Remus had been killed, and how Remus had insisted that he wouldn't get over Severus' death, that he wouldn't want to. Remus wouldn't just get over him, even if he was in Azkaban. He could leave Remus, do something to make Remus hate him, but he didn't want to hurt Remus that way either. He couldn't stand the thought of Remus hating him, anyway.
Severus' stomach was churning. He could feel himself wanting to panic. There was no way out. Dumbledore would do his best to see to that, too, if it meant keeping Severus right where he was. But he couldn't keep doing it, not for twenty more years, not for another minute! "You can't..." he began, but then his throat closed up, and words wouldn't come.
"I am doing nothing but pointing out the inevitable." Dumbledore didn't look away. "Severus, you know it is the truth."
"Is it really, or is it just what you want?" Severus demanded. "If I wasn't any use to you, you wouldn't care about what happened to Remus! If I betrayed him, he would only hate me."
"I do care for Remus," Dumbledore said. "I don't wish to see him hurt, Severus--either by you or by the Death Eaters who would hurt him to get to you. But there would be little I could do to protect him, short of immobilising him and placing him in a safe house, which would undoubtedly be against his will. Would you have me hold him against his will to keep him from following you?"
"Then I've got to have another option! We're on the verge of falling apart as it is, and it's not through any purposeful action of my own," Severus all-but shouted, his hands shaking so badly that he finally just tossed the cup and saucer onto the floor to get rid of it. "We're only hanging on by a thread because I can't fucking keep anything normal!"
Dumbledore sat forward and seized Severus' hands in his own. "Severus," he said, and paused. "Oh, Severus," he said again. "I wish I could help. I truly do. I know it is a hard road you and Remus have to walk."
"We're not going to last, no matter what I do," Severus said fiercely. "I'm not going to keep sacrificing myself this way just to keep Remus from hurt when it's going to be over soon anyway."
Dumbledore sighed. "Why would you not last, Severus?" he asked. "Remus chose you above all others. He could have sought a relationship with someone less dangerous, someone who wasn't a Death Eater. Instead, he chose you. Do you doubt his commitment?"
"You say that, but you don't know what it's been like," Severus said. "All we do is row, and it's always because of me. I can't make him happy."
"Have you considered talking to him about it?" Dumbledore asked mildly.
Severus made a noise in his throat and pulled his hands back. "Yes! It turned into a fight. Look, that isn't the point! The point is that I am not going to spend the next twenty years or however long it takes for that bloody kid to off the Dark Lord being his assassin!"
Dumbledore sighed. "You haven't any true alternatives, Severus," he said. "I will not permit you to go to Azkaban. I cannot allow it. And if you attempt to flee, you will be killed."
Severus let out a dry bark of laughter. "You won't allow me to go to Azkaban," he repeated in disbelief. "That sounds so bloody ridiculous. I hate you."
"There are times I almost hate myself," Dumbledore admitted. "But I have no choice, Severus. We must win this war against Tom. And there are sacrifices we must make along the way. It cannot be avoided."
Severus stood abruptly, glaring at him. "Then their deaths are on your hands. I would have turned myself in rather than kill children. Every time I kill someone in your service, it's on your head." He marched over to the Floo and grabbed a handful of Floo powder.
Dumbledore watched him. "I have known that from the beginning, Severus," he said sadly. "Tell me, before you go: Is Remus safe from Greyback?"
"Bastard," Severus said softly. "I don't know if he is or not. Greyback wants him for his pack, and Remus is curious about his kind. He swears he won't go because of me, but he seems to think that all that werewolf bollocks transcends Greyback's allegiance to the Dark Lord. I've tried to tell him different. I told him he should talk to you about what sort of person Greyback is, but he won't."
"All Remus needs to know about being a werewolf, he already knows," Dumbledore said. "He has his own life to base his knowledge on."
"No point in telling me that." Severus shrugged. He tossed the powder into the grate and announced his destination, then stepped into the flames.
Remus was lounging on the sofa, reading, when the fire flared up and Severus stepped in. He looked up. "Hi," he said, smiling.
Severus pushed away his scowl, hope flaring at the pleasant reception he got. He went and sat next to Remus on the sofa, looking down at him. "Hi."
Remus sat up and kissed Severus. "How are you, Severus?" he asked.
Severus returned the kiss, then sighed. He didn't want to spoil Remus' pleasant mood with his problems. "Glad to see you. How are you?"
"Mm, glad you're home," Remus said, and dropped his book to wrap his arms around Severus. "I missed you," he said quietly.
Severus held Remus tightly. "I missed you, too."
Remus smiled. "What d'you feel like doing tonight? I got the new Lonely Banshees record, the one with 'Wail from Hell' on it. We could listen to music. Or sit on the sofa and snog. Or...whatever you want."
Severus felt his chest tighten. Remus was so nice to him. He didn't deserve Remus. He nuzzled Remus' hair and thought about it. "Why don't we listen to music and snog? Would you like that?"
"Ooh, yes," Remus said, beaming at him. He kissed Severus soundly.
Severus returned the kiss. He was tired, and he didn't feel like he had the energy for anything, but he loved it when Remus smiled at him like that. Remus used to smile like that all the time.
Remus hummed and kissed Severus again quickly, then got up to put the Lonely Banshees record on. He'd occasionally thought about switching a Lonely Banshees record out for Seventeen Seconds by The Cure, but he wasn't sure Severus wouldn't know the difference. He set the needle down gently and then went back to the sofa, watching Severus.
God, he loved Severus so much, and Severus looked so tired, so bloody defeated. Remus wished he could take some of the pain and give Severus strength in its place. He settled down next to his lover. "What can I do to make you happy, Severus?" he murmured, sliding his arms around him and smiling.
"This helps quite a lot," Severus admitted, putting his arms around Remus in turn. "I love you. You make me happy."
Remus smiled broadly at Severus. Sometimes it was hard to believe he was capable of that, but he was so grateful that he could. "I love you, Severus," he whispered. "I'd do anything for you."
Merlin, how was it possible that minutes ago, he was considering hurting Remus to get away from his own commitments? How could he have even thought of it? That was the last thing he wanted to do, staring at Remus' smile, listening to Remus say how much he loved him. "I'm so glad I have you." Life wouldn't be worth living without him. He nuzzled Remus and held him close.
"Mmm." Remus leaned up and kissed him, sliding one hand into Severus' hair.
"You're so wonderful," Severus murmured. He returned the kiss, moving a hand so he could brush a thumb over Remus' cheek.
"So're you," Remus agreed, humming at Severus' touch. "Severus." He kissed Severus again.
"Remus." Severus returned the kiss, wishing he was in the mood for more. "I tried to get out of my bargain with Dumbledore," he admitted quietly. "He wouldn't let me, though."
"What?" Remus asked, his voice a whisper. He wasn't sure which part needed clarifying--Severus wanted out? And Dumbledore said no?
"Not to... not to go back to being loyal to the Dark Lord or anything," Severus assured Remus, tightening his hold on his lover, afraid Remus would pull away. "I just... said that I couldn't keep killing people. I tried to stress that I just couldn't anymore; that it was taking too much of a toll on me and that. But he said he couldn't let me out of our agreement, because he needs a spy."
"I never thought you'd go back to that," Remus said indignantly. "He wouldn't let you out?" He wrapped his arms around Severus more tightly. "He can't make you!"
"I even threatened to turn myself in," Severus admitted regretfully. "He informed me that he wouldn't allow that to happen. It just... it's almost funny, in a horrid way. To think that he'd use whatever means necessary to stop me from doing the right thing. I just imagined myself insisting to the Ministry that I was a Death Eater and having Dumbledore tell them I was lying. And then them refusing to let me into Azkaban." He laughed bitterly.
"He--He what?" Remus felt a jolt of anger-inspired nausea. "Fuck him! He doesn't bloody own you! You're free, you're your own person!"
Severus sighed. "I'm not, as he kindly pointed out. The only way to get away from him would be betrayal, but I would still be the Dark Lord's servant." He sighed. "It's my own fault for taking the Mark in the first place."
Remus' stomach was still churning. He hated seeing that expression on his lover's face. He wanted to take it away, to make things better for Severus. He was beginning to really hate Dumbledore. "We'll run away," he whispered.
"No," Severus said immediately, a bit sharper than he intended because of the thrill of fear that went through him. "If we ran, the Dark Lord would have me hunted down and killed."
"We could be a good team," Remus insisted. "We'd go somewhere far away. You wouldn't have to do this anymore. I hate not being able to help you."
"It's okay," Severus insisted, nuzzling Remus. "I wouldn't feel right completely ignoring my responsibility to Dumbledore, in the end. It would make everything I'd already done worthless. Besides... when the war is over, I'll be free again. And we'll be able to enjoy it together."
Remus screwed up his face and pressed it against Severus' hair. "I just want to stop you from hurting."
"I know, it's fucking everything up," Severus lamented quietly. "I'm sorry. I want our relationship to be good. I want to be able to make you happy. I want it to go back to the way it used to be."
"What? Severus, this isn't your fault!" Remus pulled away just enough to study Severus' face. "It's my fault, all this Alpha business I've been doing. I know it isn't your fault!"
"Are you certain?" Severus asked, watching Remus with a frown. "I know I was quick enough to blame it on that, but no matter what all has made me unhappy, our problems have been because I've been unhappy. Not with you, of course, but with things... situations... " His frown deepened. "It's still my fault."
"We...we aren't really having that many problems, are we?" Remus asked uncertainly. "I mean, we--I love you, Severus! And you still love me." He managed not to add right? at the end of that sentence. "We're going to stay together. You're my mate."
"No -- no, not lots of problems! Of course not. Just..." Merlin, Severus was stumbling over his words badly all of a sudden. "It's not to do with you, because I do love you, of course. But, you know, we've argued a lot lately. And I've been acting so strange about sex. I don't want to leave or anything, but I've been acting a right git, and it's not your fault, so I shouldn't have been taking it out on you, but I have been. I'm sorry."
"I never blamed that on you," Remus said, which was only partly truthful, but he'd always known it wasn't Severus' fault, even when he felt frustrated with Severus. "It's just...I mean, we just need to work things out when they come up, that's all."
"Yeah, we will," Severus assured him quickly, remembering their most recent row, when he'd promised to tell Remus when he was being pushy and bothering Severus - and the vow he'd made not to do that. It would be better, he just had to quit being such a girl all the time and caring about that stuff.
And he had to quit getting hung up about it so he could actually have sex with Remus, instead of this strangeness now where he wasn't in the right mood for it. He'd never had to be in a mood to want to have sex before. Merlin, even their rows used to turn him on!
"I love you," Remus murmured, running his fingers through Severus' hair. "That won't ever change."
Merlin, everything was so fucked up. Severus hated the sick helplessness that rose in him at the thought. "Love you too," he mumbled. He wanted to do something to fix things between them! Why couldn't he do that?
The Lonely Banshees record ended, and silence settled into the house, broken only by the noise of the needle reaching the end of the groove. Remus wished Severus would just tell him what he should do, so Remus wouldn't have to do a guessing game of what would make him feel better. Rationally he knew Severus probably didn't know what would make him feel better. He nuzzled Severus. "D'you want tea? Or to go to bed? Or something?"
"What I want is for things to be better," Severus muttered. "I just want to fix things. And I want you to be happy." He frowned. He knew that wasn't really the answer Remus wanted, but he didn't know what he wanted anyway.
"You make me happy," Remus said. He paused. "I'm not just saying that to be nice, you know. I mean, we row and that, but it makes me happy to know that when I come home from work, you're going to be here, and that you'll sleep next to me every night, and that I know how to make you smile, and make you gasp with pleasure. It makes me happy when I see you wearing a shirt you've stolen from me."
Severus pressed his face to Remus' neck, feeling entirely too emotional to be healthy. He gripped Remus' shirt tightly, as if his lover might slip through his grasp at any moment. "That makes me happy, too."
Remus smiled, though Severus couldn't see it. "And I like that you want to make me happy. And I like making you happy."
"I do want to," Severus assured him, feeling desperate. "I hate messing things up."
"You don't mess up any more than I do," Remus said. "I can be a real berk, I know that."
"No, it's my fault," Severus insisted, despite that, their last row, he'd insisted it was at least partly Remus' fault, with that Alpha business. But it wasn't, he told himself. It was his fault, because he was the one who had a problem with it. "I'm sorry."
Remus laughed. "Are we going to row about whose fault it is, now?" he teased. "Why don't we just say that it doesn't matter whose fault it is, because we're going to make things work better from now on?"
"Yeah, sorry," Severus said again, pulling back to shake his head at himself. He kissed Remus' neck. "Let's go to bed."
Remus gave him another brilliant smile. "All right." He pulled Severus close for a real kiss, then finally broke away and stood up.
Merlin, that smile. Severus stood and took Remus' hand, giving him a weak smile in return. He still felt discouraged over his meeting with Dumbledore, but he was starting to feel better over his relationship with Remus.
It was funny how something as small as that, Severus taking his hand, could make Remus feel so much better about things. Still smiling, he turned off the record player and led Severus upstairs.
Severus followed, relaxing as he went. He would stop fucking things up, now. He would fix this. He wouldn't lose Remus, and Remus would always be around to smile at him like that, as if he really was wonderful.
Remus decided Severus needed to be undressed, so he started in on Severus' robes, trying not to act as if he were seducing Severus, though he couldn't pass up the chance to smooth a hand across his lover's flat stomach.
Severus was just glad that Remus still wanted to touch him. He shivered at the contact, letting Remus undress him and occasionally shifting to facilitate his clothes coming off.
"Mmm, love you," Remus murmured, leaning in to press a kiss against Severus' collarbone. When he'd got Severus naked except for socks and pants, he lobbed the clothes in the direction of the hamper and wrapped his arms around Severus.
Severus' smile was a bit stronger this time as he held onto Remus. "Love you."
"Want to go to bed and snog some more?" Remus suggested. He wouldn't say no to a shag, too, but Severus didn't seem to be in that sort of mood.
"Yeah, of course." Remus had left his pants on, so Severus supposed that meant he didn't want a shag. That was all right with Severus, and he helped Remus out of his own clothes before climbing into bed.
Remus watched Severus warmly, then joined him quickly. He pressed up against Severus and kissed his throat. "Severus."
Severus wrapped his arms around Remus. "Mmm." He stroked Remus' back, thankful that they hadn't given up.
Smiling, Remus looked at Severus. "You belong in bed with me. Just like this."
Severus smirked, watching Remus. "Yes, Remus."
"Are you making fun of me?" Remus asked lightly. He kissed Severus.
Returning the kiss, Severus worried about that. Remus didn't sound upset, but still. "No, no, of course not, that's not what I meant, I just -- " All right, he needed to calm down, first, and then speak coherently. "I agreed with that statement."
Remus laughed softly. "Severus, I was taking the piss," he said. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to make you laugh." He kissed Severus again, trying to be reassuring.
"Oh." Severus flushed. "Well, I'm a berk. Sorry, I need to relax." He smiled self-depreciatingly and nuzzled his lover again.
"Kiss me," Remus whispered, sliding his fingers into Severus' hair.
Severus obeyed immediately, enjoying the feel of Remus' hand in his hair, as well as the kiss.
Humming contentedly, Remus surrendered to that kiss, enjoying the taste of Severus.