innerslytherin (innerslytherin) wrote in viciousmoon, @ 2007-06-01 19:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | remus lupin, remus/severus, severus snape |
A Hangover and a Row
Severus instantly regretted waking the next morning. All it took was opening his eyes and being hexed to blindness by the artificial light in the room, and then he had his eyes squeezed shut and was trying to burrow underneath his pillow, hoping that would also somehow help the throbbing pain in his skull.
Remus was getting nudged and shoved, and he didn't like it, because he was trying to sleep, thank you very much. He groaned and pried open one eye. "What're you doing?" he muttered.
Severus threw what strength he could muster in yanking Remus' pillow out from under his head, thinking that perhaps hiding under two pillows would be twice as effective as one. "Dying," he croaked, when his feeble efforts did not yield more than an inch of Remus' pillow.
Remus opened the other eye. "Is it a slow-acting curse from Lestrange, or just the booze?" he asked, sitting up. He wondered if the mostly-empty bottle of I Did What Again? Potion had made the move with them.
Severus made a strangled noise and then managed to order, "Potion!" Merlin, it hurt to think.
Remus took that to mean it was the alcohol. He snickered and climbed out of bed to hunt for the potion. He clattered as many bottles as he could while sorting through them, and then winced when he caught a look at himself in the mirror. Not only had Greyback split his lip, but he'd also given Remus a rather impressive black eye. Oh well, he'd deal with that once Severus wasn't moaning about in bed.
"Found it!" he announced in an unnecessarily sunny voice as he went back into the bedroom.
From somewhere beneath two pillows and most of the duvet, Severus growled. A few moments of rustling later, a hand appeared out of the covers.
Remus smiled wickedly and took Severus' hand, squeezing it lightly. "Why, yes, I love you, too, dear," he singsonged.
Severus became possessed of the very strong desire to retaliate against Remus' sunniness in as many painful ways as possible. He wondered where his wand was, then pulled his hand out of Remus' and lifted up on the bed enough to glare out at Remus from a gap between the bed and everything he'd buried himself under. "Potion."
Really, Severus was ridiculously adorable when he was being imperious and glaring messy death at you. Remus beamed at him and gave him the potion.
Severus gulped down the remaining potion, hoping it would be enough, and then disappeared under his lumpy light blocker again.
Remus snickered and leaned down to the gap in the mound of things on top of Severus. "Toast and tea?" he asked in a considerably quieter voice.
"Yeah," Severus croaked. He didn't feel like eating anything now, but hopefully once the potion kicked in, he'd gain an appetite.
Remus felt a pang of remorse; he shouldn't be so cruel when Severus was miserable, even if it was self-inflicted. He went downstairs and set about the ritualistic motions of toast and tea. When he had a tray to take back upstairs, he went up and settled on top of the covers, staring affectionately at the Severus-shaped lump. "Feeling any better?"
By the time Remus returned, Severus was beginning to feel human again, and his headache had receded, if not completely vanished. Severus risked pushing the pillows and blankets aside, and squinted at the tray. "Yeah, bit." He sat up slowly, sticking a pillow between him and the wall, and then glanced at Remus.
He did a double-take. "...What the hell happened to you?"
Remus coughed and glanced away guiltily. He'd learned not to lie to Severus, but it didn't make him enjoy telling the truth. "Greyback and his pack were guarding the door last night."
"Yeah, I kn-- You went?" Severus asked, his volume perhaps a little too high. He winced from the loudness of his own voice, then scowled.
Remus sighed. "I couldn't just let you go and not try to get in," he said. "I--I just...it didn't feel right."
"Remus. The place was full of Death Eaters! Not only, but the majority!" All right, but Severus needed to calm down, because he was hurting his own ears. He took a cup of tea and blew on it a bit, then sipped it. The tea was rather soothing.
"Yeah, it was utterly stupid, I know. And I don't care. I couldn't just lie here in bed while the Lestrange brothers tried to kill you." Remus stared down at the blanket and didn't meet Severus' gaze.
"Well wouldn't that have been nice, if we'd both ended up dead." Severus frowned, but it was difficult to be too angry, because he understood. He couldn't say he'd have done the same thing, but a not insubstantial part of him even liked that Remus had been that worried. Of course he knew it was much too dangerous, but still. Deep down, he was a little pleased.
Remus shrugged. "I'm sorry. I just--I know I could lose you any day. But it doesn't make it any easier." He swallowed hard, wishing he didn't sound like such a girl.
Severus sighed and took another sip of tea, wincing for how hot it still was. "Did Greyback see you?"
Remus did look up then, with an ironic expression. "How d'you think I got these?"
"Bloody hell, so he knows you're not dead." Severus scowled at his toast. He'd liked Greyback thinking Remus was dead. He didn't have to worry about Greyback while he thought Remus was dead.
"Yeah, I'd sort of forgotten he thought I was," Remus admitted. "He shoved me into a wall to celebrate that."
Severus dropped his head and smacked his forehead with his palm. "Idiot."
"Thanks so much," Remus said. "Well, he said I stank of wizards and we had a bit of a row and I said I just wanted to watch you get yourself killed, and he said he protected his wolves, even when they were too stupid to think they needed it, and then he kicked me and I flicked him off and left."
"You are such an idiot." Severus' other hand joined the first, and he covered his face entirely for a moment.
Remus sighed. "You already said that."
Severus dropped his hands. "Because it's true! You went to an illegal club full of Death Eaters, let Greyback find out you were still alive, and then got into a fight with him! You could have bloody been killed! And you are not his wolf!"
"Well, he seems to think I am, because he turned me," Remus replied. He wasn't going to dignify the rest with a response--especially since there was nothing he could really say.
"He is only saying that to get at you because you're in the Order!" Severus could have strangled Remus just then, but he did the British thing and drank his tea.
Remus huffed. "Yeah, well, it isn't like I'll have any opportunity to pay attention to him, the way you natter on about him, so you needn't worry, need you?"
"Good!" Severus growled, though he was only angered further because Remus still didn't seem to realise that Greyback was a bloody threat to him. "You shouldn't! Why the fuck don't you get that?"
"Maybe there's something about this whole werewolf thing that transcends the bloody Dark Lord!" Remus retorted. "Maybe Greyback has other reasons for caring about me! Why is that so hard to believe?"
"Because he's a Death Eater, and Death Eaters don't care about anything besides serving the Dark Lord!" Severus' headache was returning, but he ignored it as best he could. "He doesn't bloody care about you! All he wants is information about the Order that he can pass to the Dark Lord."
Remus sighed. "Well, it isn't as if I'd ever give him that," he said, feeling depressed. "You cared about things besides serving the Dark Lord," he felt obliged to point out.
"I'd already realised I couldn't get what I wanted through serving him," Severus said. "Greyback can. You ought to ask Dumbledore about him; he went to Hogwarts. Dumbledore probably knows what a nasty piece of work he is."
Remus frowned. "I don't want to talk to Dumbledore about Greyback." He slouched back against the headboard, feeling sulky. "It doesn't matter, I promised I wouldn't get involved with the werewolves, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but all you do is sulk because you can't," Severus said.
Glaring at him, Remus sat straight again. "I'm not sulking," he insisted.
"Yes you are. What, do you want to go live with the other bloody werewolves?" Severus challenged.
"No!" Remus said, stung. He turned to look at Severus. "I want to live with you! I'm happy with you!" He told himself he didn't care about the other werewolves; he didn't need to know about them.
"Then how come you're so bloody obsessed with Greyback's pack?" Severus asked. Merlin -- what if Remus ended up deciding that he wanted to be with the other werewolves more than he wanted to be with Severus?
Remus shrugged. "I just--It's just that I never had a chance to learn anything about myself, like that," he said. "I don't know anything about the others like me. It's just...I don't know." He shook his head. "But it doesn't matter. I have you, and you love me, and that's better than anything I ever thought I'd have." God, now he really did sound like a bloody girl. He didn't care. "I'll stay away from Greyback," he promised. He loved Severus too much to risk losing him over it.
"It would be different, if Greyback weren't a Death Eater," Severus said. He frowned. "You'd go join them, wouldn't you?"
"I wouldn't leave you," Remus insisted. He grabbed for Severus' hand, trying to keep his gaze. "I'll never leave you."
Severus had never wanted to know what Remus was thinking so much as in that moment. He let Remus take his hand, but didn't move. He couldn't help but think that if he were a werewolf, it wouldn't be a choice Remus would have to make. But he didn't want to go join a pack of werewolves and have another arsehole call himself Alpha and boss him around. He couldn't imagine what it was like, but unlike Remus, he had no desire to find out.
Severus hated feeling insecure about this, thinking that Remus would pick Greyback over him, an enemy, just because he was a werewolf. He looked away and shrugged. "Okay."
"Don't!" Remus said, feeling sick at the thought Severus didn't believe him. "I won't!" He touched Severus' chin, turning his face back to Remus and leaning closer. "I won't leave you, Severus. I'll always love you." He stared hard at Severus, wishing that Severus' studies with Dumbledore had taught him how to read minds. He wanted Severus to know Remus meant it.
Severus held Remus' gaze, unmoving. "How do I know you won't change your mind? It could happen. I know you're curious about the werewolves. And after the war, if we win, it won't matter if Greyback's a Death Eater, because the Dark Lord will be gone."
"It won't," Remus insisted. "I love you, Severus! More than anything! God, what can I do to make you believe that?"
"Just promise me you won't talk to Greyback. Or any of them. They don't care about you."
"I didn't go looking for him, Severus!" Remus said. Was this just about the werewolves? Why didn't Severus want him to meet the other werewolves? "I've never gone looking for him! I promised you I wouldn't!"
"Yeah, well, don't start. And don't go trying to get into places with Death Eaters, either! Unless it's, you know, Dumbledore's orders, but Merlin, most of them know you're in the Order."
Remus shook his head. "The only reason I went there was because of how bloody much I love you!" Remus insisted. He was gripping Severus' shoulders somehow, and found himself want to shake some sense into him. Or shag some sense into him. Merlin, why was this so bloody confusing?
Severus sighed. "I told you not to go."
God, Remus felt so tired. "I know," he admitted. "I was scared. I can't help it. I know you're a good dueller. I know you're clever and sneaky and cunning. And I was so fucking scared for you. I just couldn't stay home." He glanced down at the knuckles he's bloodied punching walls in Diagon Alley because he couldn't get into the club. He felt like a berk.
Severus didn't know what to say to that. He understood, but he didn't want to say so because it had still been bloody stupid of Remus.
After a silence that just made Remus feel more awkward, he said, "You were supposed to fuck me last night, before you fell asleep."
Severus snorted in amusement for the unexpectedness of that statement and glanced at Remus, smirking. "Did I pass out instead?"
Remus looked over at him, encouraged by the amusement in Severus' reaction. "Well, we got off, but you passed out right after. And I didn't get fucked."
"Wouldn't you rather fuck me, anyway?" Severus asked.
"No, I want you to fuck me hard," Remus insisted. Somewhere in the back of his mind he felt a little absurd for the way this discussion was going, but he meant it. He shifted closer and pressed his bare chest against Severus' arm. "You don't fuck me as much as you used to."
Embarrassed, Severus decided that needed justification. "Well. You and that 'Alpha' business."
That sent a flash of embarrassment through Remus. God, he was letting his instinct rule him again, wasn't he? He moved closer. "But you still want to fuck me, right?" he murmured, wondering if he was being at all seductive, or just making a berk of himself.
"I always want to have sex with you," Severus said. "I just... I don't know. It's different now."
Different? Remus stared at him. What did that mean? "Am--Am I worse?" he blurted.
"Worse?" Severus asked, frowning. "Worse at what?"
"Worse at sex!" Remus felt sick. He must be worse and Severus just didn't want to tell him.
Severus blinked. "What? No, of course not!"
All right, that sort of made him feel better. "Then...I mean..." He stared at Severus, confused. "What d'you mean, that 'Alpha' business?"
Severus stared, surprised. "You're the one doing it," he said, thinking back over all the times Remus acted wolfish or went on about being Alpha, the way he treated him at the Full, the time he said he'd 'relinquish' his Alpha status so Severus could be in charge... Like Remus didn't fucking know what he was talking about?
"Do I do it that often?" Remus asked, sitting back from Severus just a bit. Embarrassment washed over him again.
Severus arched a brow at him. "Often?" he repeated incredulously. "How about, 'every time but once'?"
Oh, God, he was an idiot. An idiot werewolf who needed to be reminded how to fuck like a human. Merlin, that thought embarrassed him even in the privacy of his own head. Remus pulled away from Severus entirely and stared across the room, wondering how long Severus had been annoyed by the way he was acting. He opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't know what to say, so he just made a small, strangled noise and closed his mouth again.
Great, now Severus had cocked everything up by saying it... but why the hell wouldn't Remus know what he was doing? That didn't make any sense to him. He hunched his shoulders, crossed his arms, and stared sullenly down at his toast.
Finally Remus cleared his throat. "How long have you been...um...unhappy about our sex?" he asked, trying to keep his voice from giving away his utter humiliation.
The tray thunked as Severus propped his elbows on it abruptly and dropped his head into his hands. He was annoyed that Remus immediately thought he was unhappy with their sex life, but at the same time he was embarrassed because he wasn't unhappy. And he didn't want to say he wasn't unhappy with it because he didn't want to encourage Remus to act more the prat outside the bedroom, when all that 'Alpha' bollocks really did bother him.
Remus jumped a little at Severus' reaction. Then he looked away, trying to find anything he could fiddle with instead of just sitting here bollocks naked and utterly embarrassed. "You have to tell me what I'm doing wrong! I don't want it to be bad!" Merlin, why had he ever thought he would be any good at having a relationship that lasted longer than a few fucks? Was he boring Severus? Had he lost his sex skills? How had they even got started talking about this? He was breathing so fast he thought he might hyperventilate.
"It's not bad," Severus finally managed to bite out, though he sounded very annoyed. "It's bloody good."
Oh God. That just made Remus feel even more stupid. He whipped around to stare at Severus. "What? I didn't think you--" He tried again. "But you called it--" Well, no, Severus hadn't really said it was bad. It was just the way he talked about it that made it seem that way. Or maybe Remus was just being oversensitive about this whole werewolf thing. He sighed and subsided. "I like it when you fuck me," he said finally in a quiet voice.
Severus sighed and reminded himself he was supposed to be doing what Remus wanted. "Well, if you want me to, I will."
"What does that mean?" Remus demanded, feeling defensive. "You don't want to?"
Remus' defensive tone got Severus' back up. "It's your fault! You're so obsessed with all that Alpha bollocks and now I've got all these instincts that just want me to submit all the bloody time!" To further display his displeasure, he knocked the tray off the bed with a satisfying clatter.
Remus stared at him. "What? How's it my fault? You wanted me to bite you!" Why did he have to be naked when Severus brought all this up? God, he could feel his cock getting smaller with embarrassment.
"I didn't know what it would do!" Since the tray had left him, Severus hit the blankets to either side of his legs. That, unfortunately, didn't provide the same satisfying crash.
"Neither did I!" Remus retorted. Merlin, he'd even told Severus that! "You were excited that time you thought I'd infected you!" He seized a pillow back from Severus and hugged it over his lap, which didn't really do much to make him feel better.
Severus glared, embarrassed. "You have no idea how it's affected me! You just sit there and try to blame this entire thing on me, as if it were my fault, and you never even bothered to ask if anything happened, or noticed that I was acting differently! And now that I'm telling you, because -- you asked -- you're fucking throwing accusations at me! Fuck you!"
Remus stared at him. "I noticed! I said you were growling at me a lot!" He had said that, hadn't he? He'd certainly noticed it. But he thought it was just Severus growling back because Remus liked it. Had he really changed Severus that much? Merlin, what if Severus didn't like it? What if Severus decided to leave him because Remus had done something to him with his bite? Or worse, what if Severus wanted to leave but couldn't? That would be worse, wouldn't it? Remus looked down at the pillow covering his lap. He didn't want Severus to leave, ever, but if Severus wanted to leave...God, he was going to hyperventilate again. He concentrated on trying to breathe.
"Oh yeah, big bloody deal, you said I was growling!" Severus got out of bed and went for the closet, pulling out a set of robes.
Remus buried his face in his hands. "Oh, God, I'm sorry, Severus, I'm sorry, can we just start this whole conversation over again?"
Dragging the robes over his head, Severus didn't reply until he'd got them settled in place. "You think I want to have this conversation again?"
"No, but I'm so bloody confused." Remus wanted to crawl under the covers and hide for a very long time.
Severus snorted and combed his hair out of his face with his fingers. "You started it. We don't have to talk about it."
"I just wanted a fuck," Remus wailed. "And now I find out I'm being all--all wolfish and I just--Oh, God this is humiliating."
"How can you not know?" Severus demanded, turning to face him. "How do you just not notice?"
All right, he had to be honest, there were times he'd known he was fighting instinct. But there must be times he hadn't noticed. There had only been a few times the instinct had bothered him. "I've noticed around the full. I mean, the times I know I'm struggling to, you know, to be rational and that. But I do it more than at the full moon?"
"Yes! You're always bloody bossing me around now. Ordering me about and telling me what I can and can't do." Severus folded his arms and leaned against the wardrobe, because he really just wanted to leave the room entirely.
Remus stared up at him, appalled. "God, I'm so sorry, Severus." Was he really that bad? But he must be, the way Severus was taking on. He cast his thoughts back over the past several weeks, trying to think of what he'd done wrong. "Why don't you just tell me to shut my gob?"
"I tried! You don't listen, you just keep ordering me about." This was so surreal. "And why am I talking to you like you weren't around for this? It's not like you're bloody possessed when it happens!"
"I--I--But I mean, when did I order you around last? How am I not noticing this?"
"Last time was at the full. Time before that was when you made me learn to cook."
"I shouldn't have made you learn to cook," Remus said. "I mean, you should learn to cook, but I shouldn't have been such a prat about it. I try not to act that way at the full--but I notice I'm doing it, then. I mean, I...I don't want to, you know, make you leave me."
"I'm not going to leave you," Severus said, calmer. "I wasn't going to say anything, but you brought it up."
"I...how did I bring it up?" Remus asked, still confused, but feeling a bit better now that Severus didn't seem as angry.
"You were the one who asked how you were acting!" Severus stared, annoyed. He'd said earlier that Remus had brought it up, and Remus hadn't debated it then. All of a sudden he couldn't remember bringing it up? And he didn't remember bossing Severus around or acting wolfish, either? He was full of bollocks! "What is your bloody problem? Do you have the memory of a bloody fish?" Severus demanded, stomping out of the room.
"You're the one who mentioned the Alpha business!" Remus called after him, but instead of following him he flopped over on the bed, feeling a renewed wash of misery. Merlin, how had this row even started? Remus had just asked for a fuck! Severus was the one who said it was different now. Remus just wanted to know why. He huffed and pulled the covers over his body and wondered if Severus would get tired of rowing and leave. He had said he wouldn't, but he didn't seem to believe Remus when Remus said that. Remus stared miserably at the wall.
Severus stormed downstairs, tugged on his shoes, and stomped down into the cellar, deciding to blow off steam by getting some brewing done. He was bloody sick of everything, including the fact that Remus spent that entire row insisting it wasn't his fault, trying to pass the blame, and asking Severus about the things he'd done. All Severus had done was answer his questions! Now he wasn't supposed to do that? Severus grabbed a bottle of rat spleens, stared at it a moment, and then hurtled it against the wall. The glass shattered, sending shrapnel and rat spleens all over the floor, and Severus decided he quite liked that. He picked up another bottle and threw that one, too.
Remus couldn't stand just lying there feeling miserable when Severus was probably downstairs thinking nasty things about him, but he didn't want to go chasing after Severus like a bloody girl, either. Especially now that Severus was angry all over again. But Remus was just trying to figure out what he was doing wrong so he could learn to stop doing it! Why was Severus so angry? "Ahhhh!" Remus shouted, punching at the pillow. Why was he such a bloody fuckup? Why couldn't he just do what Severus wanted and shut up? He punched the pillow again and then flopped over on his other side.
Severus smashed about ten bottles before he realised that all he was doing was destroying potions ingredients. He really wanted to stomp back upstairs and throttle Remus with his bare hands, but he decided that would be a bad idea, so he put his energy into cleaning up his broken bottles instead.
Remus punched the pillow a few more times, until a sudden poof of feathers hit him in the face. He swore and sheepishly used his wand to mend the pillow, then went and found a pair of jeans to pull on. He was a first-class berk. He went downstairs, wondering if Severus would throw something at him if he tried to apologise.
Severus could hear Remus walking around upstairs. He glared and kicked, sending a rat spleen bouncing across the floor, then dumped the shards of glass into the bin.
Remus opened the door to the cellar, just a bit. "Severus?" he called softly, wondering if he would be better off fixing lunch and waiting until Severus cooled off a bit.
Severus glared and picked up an unsmashed bottle, throwing it towards the stairway. It hit the landing and shattered loudly.
Oh. Remus retreated to the kitchen and started some water for tea, then sat down at the table to mope.
Severus listened to the cellar door close. Satisfied, he cleaned up the glass from that bottle, then went over to his table and pulled out his notes.
Remus drank a cup of tea, going over the past few weeks in his head and trying to think of times he'd acted all wolfish and Alpha. He really didn't think he'd been doing it all that much, but it was obviously bothering Severus, so he was ruthless in his self-evaluation. Severus had said the sex wasn't bad, so perhaps he didn't mind it in the bedroom--just everywhere else? Remus resolved to defer to Severus more often and control his temper better.
After he'd finished a second cup of tea, Remus got up and started fixing shepherd's pie. He knew Severus liked it, and it could serve as part of the apology he needed to make. Hopefully Severus wouldn't still be in a temper by the time he was finished.
Severus made a list of ingredients he needed to replace, then stared down at the parchment blankly, going over their row again in his head. Remus didn't notice himself acting that way? Well, Severus could certainly point it out to him whenever it happened! He hadn't wanted to create conflict. He'd been trying for weeks now -- months? -- to not say anything. He'd been afraid he'd drive Remus off. He'd resolved to be less argumentative, to let Remus get his way all the time, so Remus wouldn't get annoyed and leave. And some of that, he knew, was also instinct, to defer to 'his Alpha'.
Remus, however, had asked, and Severus knew from experience that Remus was good at determining when Severus wasn't telling him the truth -- because Remus didn't like Severus Occluding around him, so Severus respected his wishes -- so he'd only told the truth. Now it was out there, hovering between them, and Severus had ended up being furious that Remus didn't seem to think anything was wrong. He'd only bloody expressed concern over how he was acting in the bedroom, worried he'd lost his skill.
Typical, Severus thought with a snort. But there was still a problem there, because he didn't want to do the fucking, and he didn't know if that was instinct or not. He thought about how he generally acted in the bedroom. Submissive, yes, and how he hated that word; deferring; undemanding; he never asked for anything for himself and always tried to obey Remus' every desire. He'd mostly succeeded, too, except for the row they'd had at the full because he'd suggested using the bed. So Remus couldn't insist that he didn't like it, because the one time Severus hadn't automatically deferred, Remus had been rude and insulting and then they'd rowed even though he said after that he would do what Remus wanted.
Severus let out a growl of frustration and let his head fall and hit the desk. What if Remus ended up deciding they were incompatible? What if Remus ended up deciding he was better off with the real werewolves, because they could understand him better? That Alpha bollocks drove him absolutely mad when it wasn't the Full and when there was no sex involved, but he supposed other werewolves wouldn't have a problem with it. Remus would tell him it wasn't a problem to change and that he'd try harder not to act that way, Severus was certain -- Remus already wanted to apologise -- but Severus didn't know what he should do. And he didn't know if it was true -- Remus would probably be all right for a while, but he'd have to be constantly fighting off instinct, and eventually he'd give up wanting to bother. Then they'd row more frequently, and Remus wouldn't feel like apologising any longer, and he'd leave.
Merlin, he couldn't lose Remus! Severus decided that he had to do something. He'd have to just bloody swallow his pride and put up with all of Remus' Alpha nonsense. They couldn't row like this again. He couldn't bloody live without Remus, so he'd just have to live with being irritated and annoyed and unhappy -- but he'd have to hide it so Remus didn't find out.
Sighing, Severus raised his head from the desk. After a moment spent bolstering his resolve, he slid off his stool and went upstairs to apologise.
Cooking was often a soothing activity for Remus--as long as he didn't have to do it at the end of a long day. He had achieved a Zen-like state while putting together ingredients, and was pleased with how the shepherd's pie came out. He was just setting the table and arranging things for lunch when he heard Severus' footsteps on the stairs. Quickly he finished up and stood by the table, waiting to apologise.
Pushing open the door to the cellar, Severus blinked in surprise at the set table and Remus standing next to it like he was just waiting for Severus to come up. He closed the cellar door slowly, then crossed the kitchen to the table. "Lunch ready?"
Remus smiled tentatively. "Yeah. I heard you coming upstairs. I made shepherd's pie," he added, his tone hopeful.
Remus was apologising with food, apparently. Well, that was fine with Severus, because he loved shepherd's pie. He reminded himself that he was going to apologise too as he took his seat at the table, and told himself he had to wait for the right moment.
Good, Severus wasn't going to throw anything else. Remus hesitated a moment at his lover's elbow, then bent to brush a kiss on Severus' cheek. He waited until they had both settled in at the table, then coughed nervously. "I'm sorry, Severus."
There was his cue. Severus cleared his throat. "I have to apologise, too. I know I was quite irrationally angry."
"No, really, I was being thick," Remus protested. "I've been thinking a lot, and you're right. There are a lot of times I've been overbearing and bossy. I'm sorry. I'll do better, I really will. But, Severus, will you help me? Will you say something when I do it, instead of afterwards?"
Oh yes, that wasn't a recipe for disaster. Severus was supposed to tell him when he got it wrong? That wasn't inviting rows at all. Severus nodded, however. "All right," he said, with no actual intention of doing so.
"I can do better!" Remus insisted, his gaze earnest as he looked at Severus. "I'll do anything for you, Severus. But for some reason I don't seem to notice when I'm being a git, until later. Well, sometimes I do. But not when I'm being a--a werewolfish git."
Severus nodded, feeling his chest tighten. Remus was so earnest. Merlin, he couldn't lose him. "It's all right. I understand, now. It'll be better," he promised.
"It started when I bit you, really, didn't it?" Remus asked. "Should I--I mean, do you want me to--to stop biting you?" He didn't want to, but if Severus would be happier that way, he'd stop. He couldn't stand to lose Severus, especially over something he could change.
Severus glanced down at his plate and reached out to straighten his fork. "No," he said, without looking up.
"Oh good," Remus said, letting his shoulders relax a bit. "But you'll tell me, won't you? If I do things you don't like? Promise me, Severus."
Hell, Remus was going to make him promise. If Remus found out that he'd lied after making a promise, he'd be angry. Severus nodded, glancing up and meeting Remus' gaze. "I promise."
Remus gave him an encouraging smile and reached his hand across the table. He would stop being so bloody dominant and pushy. He would let Severus make the decisions. But he could keep biting him during sex.
Severus curled his hand around Remus', feeling his chest tighten again. He loved Remus so bloody much.
Remus' smile broadened. There was nothing better than this, the two of them, and Remus would earn the confidence Severus had in him.
Severus gave Remus a brief smile, then let go of Remus' hand and began to eat.
Heartened by Severus' acceptance of his apology, Remus turned his attention to the meal. He felt better for having apologised.
Severus felt an odd churning in his stomach that wasn't entirely hunger. He was nervous about their new bargain, and worried. Hopefully, if Remus didn't notice he was being a git, he wouldn't notice when Severus didn't point it out.
Remus didn't think Severus seemed as relaxed as he did. Perhaps there was more he should have said. He finally set his fork aside. "Did you have things you wanted to say? I mean, should we talk about this more?"
"No, well..." Severus forced himself to relax. "I do feel badly, for rowing. And throwing a jar at you."
Remus cleared his throat. "Well, at least I hadn't come downstairs yet."
Severus gave Remus a dry half-smile. "That would have been worse, yes, but I shouldn't have. And I shouldn't have called you names, either."
"I was calling myself names," Remus admitted. "I was a right berk."
"Still." Severus frowned. "Won't you accept my apology?"
"Of course," Remus said. He smiled at Severus. "You're forgiven, of course."
Severus nodded, then glanced down at his food. After a moment, he resumed eating.
"I love you, no matter what," Remus said, his voice low. "Always, Severus."
Severus didn't look up, but he suddenly wanted to abandon the meal so he could relocate to Remus' lap so he could touch him.
Remus hoped that Severus' lack of response didn't mean lack of faith. He took a long drink of tea.
After a bit of a pause, Severus swallowed and responded quietly. "Thank you."
Looking up again, Remus gave him a small smile.
Severus glanced up and met Remus' gaze, feeling frozen in place. He wanted Remus to touch him so much, suddenly, but he couldn't initiate it. "I love you, too."
Remus' smile gained strength, and he half-stood so he could lean across the table and kiss Severus. "I'm glad," he whispered.
Severus gave Remus a faint smile. He wanted to be done with the meal, so he drank his cooled tea quickly and levitated their empty dishes to the sink.
Suddenly Remus didn't know quite how to talk to Severus. "Erm. D'you want to sit together?" he asked hesitantly.
"All right," Severus said immediately, standing.
Remus smiled again, standing and moving close to Severus. He kept his hand free, hoping Severus would take it, but afraid to grab Severus'. He couldn't remember how he'd acted before he bit Severus, before he started giving in to instinct.
Severus watched Remus, waiting to follow.
"The sofa?" Remus asked, watching Severus. "Or bed?" Then he wondered if that were too forward. "Not that we have to--I mean, but if you want to--that is..." Oh bugger.
Severus frowned. Merlin, already this was turning into a giant mistake. Remus talked like they were strangers and he was worried about offending him. "Do you want to?"
Remus relaxed slightly. "Yes." He met Severus' gaze. "Do I ever not want to, when it's you? I just--am I being too pushy?"
Severus arched an eyebrow. "You're not anywhere near 'pushy', relax."
"Oh good." Remus managed a grin, feeling a bit of his equilibrium restored. "Bed, then?"
Severus nodded. "All right."
"Good," Remus said again, and held his hand out to Severus.
Severus took it, feeling a little silly for holding hands, but glad for the contact. He followed Remus up to the bedroom.
When they got into the bedroom, Remus tugged at Severus' hand, pulling him close. "Love you," he murmured again, and kissed Severus.
Severus returned the kiss happily, leaning against Remus. "Love you too."
Remus hummed and slid his other arm around Severus' waist. "I needed to hear that today," he admitted.
Severus leaned his head on Remus' shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"It isn't your fault," Remus said. "And anyway, I know you love me. I'm just a stupid insecure berk sometimes." He nuzzled Severus and smiled. "Let's go to bed naked," he suggested.
Severus smirked and pulled back so he could begin undressing.
Oh, that expression just sent delicious shivers down Remus' spine. He'd only bothered to put on a pair of jeans earlier, so he shucked them and carefully put them in the hamper, then climbed in bed, watching Severus.
Severus himself had only put on a pair of robes. He hadn't even bothered with underwear. He pulled those over his head, tossed them in the hamper, and then approached the bed, watching Remus for some clue of what he should do next.
Remus spread his arms, wanting Severus in them. He wanted to pull Severus close and breathe in his scent and kiss a trail down his throat. At least, that would be a good start.
Severus climbed into the bed and into Remus' arms, leaning against him again. His anxiety was being kept at bay by being near to Remus like this, and Remus' touch calmed him.
"Mmm." Remus pressed his nose against Severus' hair, taking deep breaths. "Oh, Severus," he groaned softly.
Severus shivered a little to hear Remus speak his name like that. It was bloody good. "Remus," he whispered.
"I need you so much," Remus murmured, kissing the spot behind Severus' ear.
"Nnn, likewise," Severus agreed, shifting against him.
"You're more important to me than anything." Remus liked the way they fit together. He brushed kisses along Severus' skin.
Severus put his arms around Remus, very pleased to hear it. "'M so glad."
"Mmmm." Remus relaxed against Severus. "Love it when you hold me." All right, so he was feeling clingy and soppish. That was no surprise, they'd had a huge row, after all. And he wanted Severus to know how important he was to Remus.
Severus thought about pointing out that he loved it when Remus fucked him. But he supposed that he shouldn't, and this was nice, even though he really wanted Remus to claim him that way. He just held Remus and relaxed.
Remus wasn't sure what Severus wanted. He had seemed amenable to a shag, and Remus wanted that reassurance himself. He nuzzled Severus' hair and pressed more kisses against his neck. "So irresistible."
Severus smiled and shifted to give Remus more neck to kiss. Those little kisses were getting Severus hard, so he nestled his cock against Remus' stomach as a wordless suggestion. That way, he thought, Remus could choose to ignore it or not, depending on what he wanted, but he'd definitely know what Severus wanted.
"Mmm, d'you want to shag?" Remus murmured, smiling against Severus' neck. He pressed a few more kisses there, because Severus was irresistible.
"If you do," Severus answered, but he knew Remus usually did.
"Mmhmm, love shagging you," Remus murmured, pressing against Severus. He stroked a hand down his arse.
Severus pressed closer, kissing Remus' jaw. "What would you like?" he asked quietly.
Remus thought about that for a moment, because he honestly didn't care, as long as they shagged, but he knew Severus got tired of that discussion. "I'd like to shag you thoroughly," he murmured. "Claim you all over again." He turned his head just a bit to nuzzle Severus.
Curling an arm loosely around Remus' neck, Severus found Remus' mouth and kissed him. He was so glad that Remus still wanted him that much.
"Love you so much," Remus whispered between kisses. "Need you."
"Yes," Severus whispered back, his chest tight with emotion. "Need you too."
"Good." Remus pressed Severus back, wanting to get on top of him. "Love fucking you."
Severus shifted and laid back with Remus' encouragement, watching him. He told himself he would feel better after they shagged.
Remus smiled at him and stroked his hair away from his face. He wanted to start slow and prove he could control himself, as well as taking the time to enjoy Severus. "So sexy," he murmured, "and mine." He pressed light kisses beside Severus' eye and down his cheek, nuzzling his throat.
Severus' breath hitched. Merlin, Remus wanted to go slow, he could tell. He thought that might kill him. He needed to stop thinking about their row, and all his fears and insecurities, and he didn't know if slow and sweet would do that. It would probably only make him more emotional.
Remus smiled and kissed his way down to suck on a nipple. He stroked his hands along Severus' stomach.
Severus made a little breathless noise, resting a hand on Remus' shoulder. Merlin. It felt good, but he was right, Remus' tenderness was going to drive him mad. He bit his lip.
Remus loved the noises Severus made. He growled softly at him and closed his teeth very gently on the nipple.
Severus sucked in a noisy breath, liking the hint of teeth. "Ohhh."
That made Remus smile again. "Good?" he murmured, pressing his hands possessively to Severus' hips.
Severus' hips jerked a little. "Oh, yes," he uttered breathlessly.
Humming, Remus moved to the other nipple, giving it the same attention. He loved the way Severus reacted.
Arching, Severus moved his hands to clutch the bedding as Remus' mouth sent tingling pleasure through him. "Remus," he uttered, thinking that it would figure that he'd want to ask for something after he'd resolved not to (well, again). Still, it was good like this. He was enjoying it, so it should be enough.
Remus lifted his head a little, licking Severus' nipple briefly. "What can I do?" he murmured. "Tell me, Severus." He stroked a hand down Severus' side.
"Nothing," Severus said quickly, then realised that sounded wrong. "Well, I mean, do whatever you want." He shifted with the motion of Remus' hand.
Remus laughed softly. "I want to fuck you," he murmured. He nipped lightly at Severus' collarbone.
Severus frowned, wondering if he was being laughed at. Probably. He just nodded.
Remus had pulled back to smile at Severus again, and was surprised by his frown. "You don't want me to fuck you?"
"What?" Severus' frown turned to one of confusion. Where in the world would Remus get that idea from? He was lying naked on the bed, for one thing. For another, he'd never turned it down in the past.
"Why were you frowning?" Remus asked, cupping a hand against Severus' cheek.
"You were laughing at me," Severus said, but he didn't sound accusatory.
"No, not really laughing at you," Remus corrected, and kissed him. "I was just laughing because I hoped you didn't mean I had to stop. It just sounded sort of funny. But, I mean, I wasn't laughing to be mean." He nuzzled Severus softly. "I love you. I don't want to make you upset."
Snorting, Severus touched Remus' hair briefly. "I'm not upset."
Remus smiled at him. "I'm glad." He kissed Severus again, longer. "This is so good. Need more." He pressed his groin against Severus'.
"Take what you want," Severus said, though he was enjoying Remus' kisses.
Remus hummed and shifted so he could press his cock along Severus'. "Want you," he whispered, and kissed him again.
Severus returned Remus' kiss passionately, arching his hips against Remus'. After a few moments, he wrapped an arm around Remus, holding him close while they kissed.
This was so perfect. Remus felt his heart being soothed by this closeness, even as his body was excited by it. He growled softly and slid a hand down to tease at Severus' entrance.
Tensing a little, Severus shifted his legs to either side of Remus' and broke the kiss, panting lightly into Remus' ear.
"This what you want?" Remus asked, pressing his erection against Severus' arse. "So sexy, Severus."
Merlin, every time Remus said that, it reminded Severus of all his physical imperfections. "Of course," he managed, and made himself let go of Remus to make it easier for him. "Please," he added, thinking Remus would like that.
"Ooh, begging me for it?" Remus teased, though he mouthed at Severus' bite mark to show he was only teasing. He did the preparation spells.
"Do you want me to?" Severus asked, feeling a coolness as the wordless charms worked on him.
"Not at all necessary, considering how bloody eager I am," Remus replied, smiling.
"You're going rather slow, for someone so eager," Severus observed.
"D'you want me to go faster?" Remus asked. "I can prove it." He placed little nips at Severus' throat.
"You don't have to prove anything," Severus said. "Do whatever you like."
Remus held in a snort and pressed inside, tweaking Severus' nipples lightly.
Severus arched and let his head fall back, concentrating on keeping his body relaxed.
"Good?" Remus asked, kissing Severus' jaw. He stroked Severus' hair back and kissed his way down to Severus' throat. "Feels so good."
"Yes, good," Severus assured him, clutching the bedding again.
"Good," Remus said again. He began to move, trying to go slow, but having trouble controlling himself. He needed Severus so much.
Severus' breathing grew loud and uneven as Remus moved. It was a start, at least.
Remus smiled and then kissed Severus again, harder. He liked that Severus was obviously enjoying himself. His lover's enjoyment served to arouse Remus further. He thrust more quickly.
"Remus," Severus uttered, kissing him again, hungrily. He shifted his grip to Remus' arms, wanting to have more than just one point of contact.
Remus groaned. That touch reminded him that he should be touching Severus more. He reached down to curl a hand around Severus' cock, massaging firmly.
Severus echoed Remus' groan when his lover stroked his cock. "Good!"
Mmm, that was what Remus wanted to hear. He made an appreciative noise and stroked, trying to match the rhythm of his thrusts.
Severus tried to move with Remus as best he could, but synching three rhythms was rather difficult. Still, his pleasure was building now, the faster Remus went and the more stimulation he gave.
Remus finally broke the kiss, breathless, and panted as he moved faster. "God, Severus, so good!"
Severus watched Remus' face, how distracted his expression was with pleasure. He knew his must look much the same. He groaned in agreement with Remus' breathless exclamation, his body thrumming with want and need.
Remus managed a distracted smile for Severus, then leaned in to suck on his neck. He wondered if Severus really did still want him to bite.
"Oh Merlin, Remus!" Severus' hand went to Remus' hair automatically. Would Remus still bite him, after their row? The damage had already been done; did it really matter if he kept doing it?
"You're mine," Remus murmured, letting his teeth graze Severus' skin. He wanted so badly to bite.
"Yes," Severus gasped. "Always yours!"
Remus bit him, hard enough to draw blood, and a growl escaped him. He tensed, then gave in to the pleasure of the moment, sucking at the wound. Severus would tell him if that was wrong.
Severus groaned, tugging on Remus' hair as pleasure coursed through him. He could tell he was close now, tensing.
Remus groaned, too, and moved faster, the feeling of claiming and possessing Severus shattering his control.
Severus swore and clamped his muscles down on Remus. He hovered on the edge of release, gasping Remus' name.
"Mine!" Remus declared again, stroking Severus feverishly and lifting his head to claim Severus' mouth in a demanding kiss. He was close, so bloody close--
Severus groaned into the kiss and came in pulsing waves, clinging to Remus tightly as he shivered and devoured Remus' mouth.
Remus let out a strangled noise into the kiss as Severus' orgasm pushed him across into his own. It was so good, exactly what Remus needed. He clutched Severus to him, wanting to never let him go.
Finally Severus had to break the kiss, taking in great, shuddering breaths. He held Remus close as he slowly began to calm.
"God, Severus," Remus managed, panting. He brushed his forehead against his lover's neck and breathed in his scent.
Severus wondered if that meant Remus wanted to be let go, but he couldn't make himself ask. He needed Remus close.
Remus hummed faintly. "So good. Need you so much." He loosened his hold on Severus just enough to stroke one hand along his lover's sweat-dampened skin.
"Yes," Severus breathed, pleased to hear it. He wanted Remus to always need him.
"I'm yours," Remus whispered. "Yours, for as long as you want me." He pressed a small kiss to Severus' throat.
"I'll always want you," Severus murmured. Then he wondered if that meant that Remus didn't think he'd always want him. Then Severus decided he was thinking too much. He shifted and sighed, closing his eyes and relaxing against his lover. This had gone well.
Remus smiled and nuzzled Severus. "Good."
"Love you," Severus murmured.
That made Remus' smile widen. "I love you, too," he murmured, and closed his eyes. He thought--he hoped--that this meant their argument from earlier was forgiven. He felt better than he had in ages, and he wondered if Severus' unhappiness with their relationship had been affecting him subconsciously. He let out a contented sigh. That wouldn't be the case any longer.
Though it was only mid-afternoon, Severus fell into a light doze, his hand still on Remus' hair.
Remus held Severus close and enjoyed being with him while he slept. Remus loved listening to Severus breathe, feeling Severus sleep in his arms. He loved knowing that Severus was his.
Severus only slept not even half an hour, but when he woke, he felt muzzy. He also felt very relaxed, though a bit embarrassed. He nuzzled Remus, thinking maybe Remus hadn't noticed.
"Mmm," Remus said sleepily. He hadn't slept, but he had slipped into a very relaxed state. He smiled and blinked open his eyes. "Severus."
Severus smiled faintly, taking in Remus' expression. "Are you happy?"
"Yes," was the instant reply. "So happy. Are you?"
"As long as you are, I am," Severus murmured, pleased.
Remus blinked for a moment. "That seems a bit off," he replied, but he kissed Severus anyway, because he didn't want Severus to think he was complaining.
Severus opened his eyes wider and focused on Remus, frowning. "Why?" How had he done wrong by wanting Remus' happiness?
Remus laughed a little. "Well, I mean, I don't know, are you happy on your own terms? Or just because I'm happy?" He kissed Severus' jaw, wishing Severus didn't automatically react so defensively.
Merlin, Severus felt like such an idiot. He wanted to hide his face against Remus and ignore the question. "No, I didn't mean it like that," he amended quickly. "I'm happy."
"I'm not making fun," Remus assured him. "I just wanted to know. But, I mean, I understand. Seeing you happy makes me happy." He stroked a hand through Severus' hair.
Severus blinked at Remus a moment, then hid his face against him and clung tightly. "Love you," he said again, voice slightly muffled.
Remus beamed at nothing and held Severus. "Love you," he whispered back.
Severus lifted his head a little. "I'm sorry we rowed earlier." He might have apologised for that already, but he thought another couldn't hurt.
"I am too," Remus said, surprised. "But it's in the past." He pressed his lips lightly against the corner of Severus' eye. "I'll do better, we'll be happy."
"Yes," Severus agreed. "We'll be happy. I'll do better too."
Remus just kissed him.