vallo

So you all were serious when you mentioned my getting a... job? Well. Such is the price of freedom, I suppose. Not to sell myself short, but I am uniquely qualified to be decorative and hilarious and little else that can be repeated in polite society. Unless you need someone stabbed? Do you need someone stabbed? Or perhaps something unlocked?

But only at night, of course. I'm a vampire spawn (worst kept secret, isn't it), and so can only maim, murder and preen during the evening hours. I assume is explains my hanging around your little government office the other day. It certainly wasn't out of ardor for your company so much as a requirement of survival.

I'm getting ahead of myself; I haven't introduced myself. My name is Astarion.

It's probably rather... pedestrian of me, but I'm actually looking forward to having a profession again. It's been a very long time. I've got to show up on time? Take lunch breaks? Sit at a table with other coworkers and talk about processes?

Precious.

I guess these skeletons have a very specific idea of what a king should be like and sprinkled in cheeto dust before noon is not it. Anybody heard of a King Ashurbanipal?

you guys, art class critique is the worst.

it's basically what it sounds like: your whole class gets together and critiques each other's work. half of what people say is artsy bullshit that they think sounds smart, a quarter of it is mean just for the sake of being mean, another twenty percent is completely insane, and then the final five percent is actually useful commentary on the work.

someone told me "i hate that you used paint." IN PAINTING CLASS. another guy commented on the raw sexuality of my painting OF A CAVE. and i didn't even get the worst of it! they made this one girl cry, and like, no, her painting wasn't that good, but it wasn't that bad either.

i need a nap. or maybe half a chocolate cake.

[Texts to Revy and Leon]
>>A bunch of us got ambushed by those elemental things
>>Where are you?
>>Are you both ok??

[Texts to Lydia and Stiles]
>>Are you in the city still or have you gotten the hell out?

[After some hesitation, a text to Nadja]
>>Are you and Laszlo alright?

PSA: make sure you know the person you're handing off your kid to because Finn was taken by a total goddamn stranger in a copy of Teela's meatskin. Was it only a ten-minute kidnapping? Sure, but who gives a shit. Longest ten minutes of our lives, and Finn's fine, and I am waffling back and forth between 'it could have been worse!!!' and unfiltered RAGE and wanting to shred someone's face into ribbons. MY CLAWS ARE FRESHLY SHARPENED.




Anyway.

I'm not emotionally qualified to handle any of this without attempted murder but Real Teela and Adam talked to the culprit. It was some sad shapeshifting old lady. Some kind of authority, please go get her before I choose violence.

Alright, tell me something about yourself that might surprise someone to know.

And I don't mean some kind of big fucking secret about how much of a piece of shit you were back in your home or something like that, because I don't really give a crap about anything like that. I want to hear about some kind of surprising talent that people wouldn't peg you for or something cool you did as a kid or about your pet guinea pig or I don't know, fucking good stuff like that.

Come at me. Blow my fucking socks off, let's go.

Okay, so I need everybody to come to the Art Fair at Art of Expression on the 15th because...

...holy crap...

I got brave and got myself a booth!!! I'm going to be selling originals and prints of my work for the first time in my life!

So even if you don't buy anything, come by and see me and say hi and tell me it doesn't look like crap!


[OOC note: any artists who want to sell work at the Art Fair, feel free to say you have a booth]

[Private message to Nadja]

Nadja:

I received a set of doll parts for a life-sized doll from my other life. I put them together and cleaned them up a bit. I was wondering if you'd like to have it?

It is completely ghost free, I promise and has kind of a morbid story attached to it, if you're interested?

-- Henry Townshend

So if I wanted to get better at defending myself against say, the evil mushrooms and psychotic hands and crap with things other than a baseball bat, who could help me out with that?

[Texts to Lydia Martin]

» This
» Whatever it is
» I mean, this isn't just because you got new memories and have some sense of obligation or something right
» But
» Never mind

I do not know really what is happening with all of the plants and such but I do know that Laszlo is an incredible topiary artist. This is a man who knows his way around a good bush, what a good bush looks like, and how to manipulate it to do things you would never think would be possible. If anyone needs a bush trimmed or shaped or worked on, Laszlo has only the firmest of appreciation for bushes.

Also VERY IMPORTANT and more important than whatever is happening with the plants is that we have a new dolly!!!! Nadja doll is THRILLED to have a friend but completely coincidentally now our house is very haunted. VERY haunted. Laszlo is complaining about them very much and we VERY OBVIOUSLY do not deal with the G-individual (even thinking it makes blood pour from my eyes) so someone UNRELATED to that come and get rid of these ghosts for us.

OH YES AND ALSO MORE IMPORTANT we are in need of documentary crew members ONCE AGAIN to follow us around with the cameras and the fuzzy...stick and ask questions and record our day to day lives that are VERY interesting apply now.

HELLO THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU WILL EVER READ IN YOUR SHORT TINY LIVES

LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH AKA JACKIE DAYTONA AKA JACK THE RIPPER HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME BY WINGED DEVILS

(not the sexy scrumptious kind of Mr. Lucifer)
(unless this is Mr. Lucifer playing a very fun game in which case you cheeky horny little fox)

THIS IS VERY SAD FOR ME AND I WILL ACCEPT ANY AND ALL SUPPORT AS I WAIL AND MY BOSOM HEAVES

also Nandor and Gizmo are COMPLETELY IGNORING MY WAILS FUCKING USELESS I TELL YOU

[OOC - Please note that in any visuals, Essek has longer hair and an eyepatch over his left eye with visible scarring on that side of his face/ear/head k ty bye.]

This is so awkwa Figured out time travel, but did not plan how to

Hello. It feels odd to introduce myself as many of you already know me, but I am Essek Widogast and I'm here with Caleb (also) Widogast. If my husband's perfect recall can be relied upon, which I am willing to stake most everything on it, the versions of us that you know normally should still be deep within the Aeor that was brought to Vallo, being very much themselves while surrounded by ancient Exandrian magic and technology.

Which is to say, and I'm doing a poor job of getting to the point, we are from a different timeline and time. A few hours ago, we were in 2033 within a branch of the future that is hopefully not your own. The Temporal Concurrence and the aligning of the leylines does, it seem, allow for some otherwise so-called impossible magic when one(s) puts many months of work into entirely too many sleepless nights their wizard mind(s) to it.

I cannot promise to keep a long story short as there are many moving parts and I tend to be accidentally verbose in the best of times, but I think many of you may remember the attack from Interitus that happened in August of 2021. He was not as gone as we had all hoped and is now wreaking havoc upon my and Caleb's timeline. Thanks to the concurrence and the influx of magic, our intel is advising that he is planning on ascending beyond his current form into something akin to godhood. Should he do so, his powers will be made more or less limitless and there will be no stopping him from traveling freely within timelines to destroy every version of Vallo, as has been his will all along. Our version has just been practice for him.

As for why we have broken through literal time and space to visit the past, we are seeking aid. This has already been discussed with the DOA, but there are a few things that we are here for specifically.

First, Interitus is using a simulacrum of sorts as a power focus, which has allowed him to bide his time in our world and eventually build up enough power in secret to take over. We believe that this simulacrum had already arrived in March of 2023--in February, specifically. We do not know where, but our hope is that you fine people will be able to locate and destroy it, specifically at the height of the concurrence to not give away our plans.

Second, Caleb and I are in search of a very specific tome from the Great Library. We unfortunately do not have access to the Library in our time as you do now, but we believe that the tome we are looking for has information regarding locating the object needed to pierce through Interitus's magical defenses. If any librarian friends are willing to volunteer to help with that, as we do need this before we return to our time tomorrow, it would be greatly appreciated.

Finally, and I realize that this is the largest ask of them all, a vision from one of the Prigany psychics has shown us that there are specific people in the future that aid in the efforts. Our understanding is that these people come to us from your timeline and travel to our own. We have a list of those people, who I will be filtering separately with more information. Please know there is no expectation. We are not here to force anyone to help, regardless of psychic visions.

This is long and a great deal of information for a Monday, I understand. Caleb and I are here to answer any questions that we can--at least those questions that do not pose more harm to the timelines than our being here already might.

FILTER TO AURORA MORNINGSTAR, BILLY KAPLAN, BO DENNIS, COBB VANTH, DANIEL ARLINGTON, GALADRIEL HIGGINS, GANSEY, GLADIO AMICITIA, IRIS AMICITIA, KATOU YUE, KELLACH DONNALLEN, KRATOS, LAN XICHEN, LILA PITTS, LYDIA MARTIN, ORYM, OSTYIA RABALSKA, REMUS LUPIN, ROGIER, SAM WILSON, SARA LANCE, STEVE HARRINGTON, TALLY CRAVEN, TENNAL HALKANA, THOM SUMMER, TYLER LOCKWOOD, VEX'AHLIA + CALEB WIDOGAST

( OOC cut because I know this is getting long I AM SORRY. )

Guessing I can cash in a gold coin at a bank or something??

I went on a walk because """exercise""" and this little shit of a dude came up to me like it wanted to start a fight. But he took a look at me, thought about it real hard, then gave me a gold coin and walked away like it was ashamed. Melog thought about eating them.

Adora, I got date money.

... Hi! So um, I've had a few weeks to adjust and sleep and figure out how to fly (!!!) now and I'm all refreshed and doing pretty good except for almost burning myself alive this mo!

I'm a vampire! AMA (Ask Me Anything)!

Officially 99 days until the estimated eviction day and so far I've been cursed with:

- having to do acrobatics in the middle of the sidewalk to dodge someone who, for whatever reason, thought it was a good idea to reach for my stomach like it was some crystal ball that was going to give them answers about their dumb life. I DON'T KNOW YOU.
- getting stuck in a long line for one tiny order of iced coffee while someone decides to tell me how caffeine's bad for my condition, like bitch did I ask you?
- thinking the last part was said with my internal brain voice
- it wasn't, I said it with my mouth.

I don't care though. The gasp of offense nourished my soul and then I bought myself three cake pops for breakfast. :) If my leggings rip during yoga, who cares.

[FILTERED TO NADJA & LASZLO]

Today is the day. I think everything is ready but I am worried I forgot something. There are candles and music. I will have a final meal delivered. I do not know what kind. I am going to let him choose. I will let him watch the sunset one last time before I do it. There is a tarp so that we do not leave a mess. Oh! Do not go into the attic tonight, I am barring the way so he can’t escape if he gets the death jitters. You know, the twitchies.


I might be a little nervous. Do not be very mean to me!

[FILTERED TO GUILLERMO]

What would you like for your very last meal?

Well then.

Some of you types more sensitive to the coming and goings of the world may have felt something a bit off this morning when you rose. Moreso than usual I would suppose. It would seem Vallo has expanded its collection of Hells to include my domain.

And before you ask, no I did not ask for or summon it here. I'm sure some of you nerds enjoy bringing your work home with you but have you seen that throne? I'm lucky not to have a flat arse after all these centuries.

Right. I would advise any of you feeling guilt over that muffin you cheated with this morning to stuff it in the bag with the discarded wrappings and dispose of the lot. Also keep an eye on dead bodies...except vampires and zombies. I think. I suppose they are fairly similar concepts to demons possessing the dead...

In other words, please do not poke the Hell if you can help it and should you need any assistance with its presence causing issue, myself or Rory would be best to ask.

[RORY]

Perhaps I should have asked before volunteering but knowing this lot and their penchant for wining, dining, and trying to mount trouble, I will need all the help I can get with someone familiar with the place.

I hope everyone had a holiday filled with cheer and plenty of time spent with loved ones, and even tolerated ones, and that no one fell afoot of mushroom mischief. Now! Let's talk the undead. Has anyone here got a specialty?

OH HELLO, have we missed Krampus because of You-Know-What-Mas? I have told him time and time again, could you perhaps not pick another month?? So that there are no silent nights (although they should not be so silent if you're doing it right if you know what I mean) or ho--I cannot even type the word without my fingers starting to bleed but the other kind of night or the manger thing. THE NIGHT IS MEANT TO BE OUR SANCTUARY.

(Guillermo, go and do a check on the entire place to make sure there are no surprise You-Know-What-Mas things around so we don't have to worry about starting on fire)

But yes, Krampus is an old friend!!! Well, I suppose Laszlo met him first--his whole whipping deal was very appealing to him obviously, but you know what they say about never meeting your heroes? It was a bit like that. Not disappointing, but. You expect one thing and get another. Nice creature! Probably good whipping.

Heads up, I guess, but if anyone sees a giant pink lion with a curly mane, she's... mine, I guess? Melog's going to show her around the forest and I'm not entirely sure how those two are going to get along or if she's going to cause any mischief like Melog has in the past. But her name's Clawdeen, and she's--




Honestly, I don't even know. She's there. File your complaints to me if she starts anything or if you happen to see those two fight, let me know.