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Posts Tagged: 'the+murderbot+diaries:+murderbot'

Apr. 12th, 2021


[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]secunit
[info]valloic
Intel: I observed a really fucking weird phenomenon: a human turned into a puppet after nearly being hit by another human on a bicycle. Going to guess this is magic bullshit, and therefore doesn't fall under my security jurisdiction, but I figured I'd write about it so you're aware the next time you experience a surplus of emotions and find yourself made of felt.

You guys need more meditation. I hear it helps.

Apr. 6th, 2021


[info]shittyknight
[info]valloic

[info]shittyknight
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]shittyknight
[info]valloic
Let's hear it for Nursey!

Mar. 26th, 2021


[info]zimmboni
[info]valloic

[info]zimmboni
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]zimmboni
[info]valloic
[POSTED TO THE NETWORK & AROUND VALLO. Literally. Like flyers. Everywhere.]


[HAUS + HOCKEY TEAM & FRIENDS]
Hey. Sorry if I was abrupt at the clinic-- I'm- yeah. I know I probably don't have to apologize, but I wanted to anyway.

Bitty's coming home this weekend, he'll be on bed rest for a while, then light rest, go from there. No baking, no grocery shopping, no heavy lifting, bending, crouching, stretching. I'll have a full list by the end of the day and I'll get it put around the haus.

No hockey practice next week, rest, recover, take some time. We'll start back up April, and I'll lead practice for a few weeks until his restrictions are lighter.

I have a few requests: Can we get him a comfortable recliner or chair for the living room? Lardo's got my financials and a debit card to my account, someone pick out the most comfortable chair possible and get it delivered?

I could use a few extra hands to move around the furniture in our room tomorrow. And I need about 50000 new pillows.

Uh-food? Bits can do meal planning and some directing so we'll have to cook and grocery shop or order out. Maybe someone can make a chart for the house? Everyone's responsible for one night a week?

Anyway, yeah. Thanks, guys. I'm probably forgetting something, so feel free to add on? Or tell me to

Mar. 15th, 2021


[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic

[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic
Based on everybody's leaked search histories, I'm getting the idea that Vallo needs a better dating app. I've got the skills to build one. What features would you want to see?

Premise: A dating app for all species, all genders, and all sexualities. Ability to match, flirt, or message built-in. Flexible profile system allowing users to include whatever information about themselves or about what they're looking for that users find relevant. Clean, simple interface; profiles are conversation starters, not novels. Can be used equally well to find hookups or long-term relationship possibilities.

Some ideas I'm already working on:
- Some kind of unsolicited-dick-pic prevention. (Murderbot - do you think you could help with the design of a dick-recognition system sophisticated enough to make sure nobody sees a dick they don't want to see, but will also allow requested dicks and not instantly punish people for sending pictures of eggplants and cucumbers?)
- Search system allowing users to filter-in or filter-out profiles based on keywords and features of profiles. (Example: user Jessica Rabbit filters in all profiles with asexual identities, does not apply a filter to gender alone, and filters out all profiles that are identified as BOTH human AND male.) (With the flexible profile system, this can only get but so specific - if user Morgan wants to filter out everybody who hates baseball or filter in only people who enjoy European dance pop, Morgan's gonna have to handle that himself by talking to people.)

I could also use some brainstorming help coming up with a name. Currently scrawled on the whiteboard in my kitchen are:
Dater
Meeter
Alchemy
Connection
Connecter
Attach
Bridge
Tag

Mar. 9th, 2021


[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]secunit
[info]valloic
Some clarifying points:
  • This is not my fault.
  • Assume nothing technological works, from filters to BCCs to contact groups.
  • Could something work? Fuck if I know.
  • Now is not the time to share secrets or sexts, or secret sexts. These appear to be going to all residents, including minors. Please, think of the children, I write non-ironically.
  • Yelling at me will not fix the problem.
  • The problem is magic, which is not my scene. I am not capable of fixing this problem.
  • Don't yell at the magic-people either. A small but not-insignificant portion of them are cool.
  • I stand by every goddamn thing I searched for.

Mar. 8th, 2021


[info]hisses
[info]valloic

[info]hisses
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]hisses
[info]valloic
On the search for someone with steady hands and can work around some sensitive alien tech that's conveniently attached itself to the back of my neck? The thing's mostly damaged so salvaging it isn't a concern, but it's connected to my nervous system and I'm going to need someone to get it off without messing me up in the process.

Will pay for services, can come to you or you can come here - we're on a spaceship in the forest with a surprisingly equipped lab and medical bay. I don't have a preference as long as the job's done.

Happy Monday.

Mar. 3rd, 2021


[info]scientificus
[info]valloic

[info]scientificus
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]scientificus
[info]valloic
Greetings! Dr. Hank McCoy here, with good news (well, I think it's good) and a request of sorts. Recently I received the plans and parts to build a machine called Cerebro, something that I'm familiar with as I happened to design and build it once upon a time as well, in another world a few times, actually, since it kept getting destroye--. In a nutshell, it is a machine that amplifies brainwaves - an ESP device, if you will, allowing the user to locate essentially anyone in the world (our former Headmaster of the Xavier Institute used it to track mutants across the globe), depending on their own unique mental signature.

Here, I aim to have Cerebro used as not only a locator device but also a way to understand and gain new information about technology - our current host world is filled with all sorts of tech (waypoints, for example), and this function would also be useful for anything that may appear here, or be left behind in the unfortunate instance the original owner of the tech disappeared and we have questions about the functionality.

I would appreciate some volunteers to help me test it? The only caveat, of course, is that you must have telepathic abilities - otherwise Cerebro can be a bit of an overload, and that does not seem pleasant. I'd be happy to pay you for your time - cash or chocodile Twinkies, either way, we can come to an arrangement.

Feb. 23rd, 2021


[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]secunit
[info]valloic
I was rewatching my favorite episode of Sanctuary Moon (episode 324, "Galava's Belt") earlier today and now I have a question that I am not sure I want to know the answer to, but I'll ask it anyway and if you all are disgusting in your answer I'll just fucking ignore you: why do humans shut their eyes when they kiss their romantic partners? Is it the pores? I bet it's the pores.

Feb. 12th, 2021


[info]taserqueen
[info]valloic

[info]taserqueen
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]taserqueen
[info]valloic
uhhhhhhhhhhh in the wise words of Jake Peralta, coolcoolcoolcool no doubt no doubt So you're telling me that I missed Murder Turkeys AND I get out of all of my school loan debt? What Is there a casino here? I feel like I need to gamble on my luck. Am I allowed to Avengers Assemble NOW?

[OOC: Vague spoilers/references to some WandaVision stuff inside.]

Feb. 9th, 2021


[info]mashtater
[info]valloic

[info]mashtater
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]mashtater
[info]valloic
BIRDS
THEY ARE TOO MANY
COULD NOT KICK ALL THEM
I AM IN TREE BY LAKE
HELP

Feb. 4th, 2021


[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic

[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic

Log: Murderbot and Morgan


[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic
Morgan Yu
Murderbot
WHO Murderbot and Morgan • WHERE Papa's Pride Workshop • WHEN Tuesday afternoon
What the Kentucky-fried fuck? WARNINGS Discussion of death, eye stuff, tentacles, and butchered sense of reality.
It's only weird if you make it weird. Read more... )

Jan. 24th, 2021


[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic

[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]whoareyu
[info]valloic
Hey, Real Vallo. I hope this is real, anyway. Thanks for the welcome. It's a lot nicer than the last one we got.

Full disclosure: I'm not exactly human. I'm part human, part typhon. Mostly that doesn't matter; I look human 90% of the time. If you pop in on where you expect me to be and see what your brain will probably interpret as an unnatural tentacle-spider-thing about the size of a big dog, though, that's normal, please don't hit me with a pipe wrench. Also, if I get startled I tend to quickly mimic a nearby object to hide. Mugs are a favorite. And for any of you who go around hearing thoughts, mine will probably just sound like white noise on the radio to you? It's not that I don't have thoughts, they just don't work like human thoughts unless I'm deliberately communicating with humans.

Anyway, I hear I need a job, so where's the science happen around here? Ph.D. in neuroscience, PE licenses in computer and mechanical, most of my work's been in R&D, and all my references are dead.

[Filtered to Snowglobe OGs]
Everybody doing all right?

[/filter]

[Filtered to Gretchen]
Wanna be roomies? This apartment is too big.
[/filter]

Jan. 3rd, 2021


[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]secunit
[info]valloic
Tracking multiple targets, tagged A through G. Appear to be heading toward a nest. 95% chance of mission success, according to my Risk Assessment Module which always loses its shit over stupid things so I'm confident. Have discovered the following weak points on exoskeletons [see attached]. Advise to utilize accordingly. Do not advise trying to break through exoskeleton by hand, not because it's ineffective but because it's fucking gross.

Unrelated to targets: Hockey people, the party was not intolerable. Utilization of the Murderdrone mitigated the social anxiety produced by the crowd and noise. Still prefer giant bugs to parties but my opinion of parties has gone up thanks to what I am classifying as the "Haus Effect". I did not hate it. It was endearing rather than annoying seeing you all in various states of sobriety versus near-toxic inebriation. I appreciated your maintenance of common sense throughout, Jack. The Beyonce was implemented well. I am pleased you survived, Nursey, because now I have enough blackmail material to be Boss Ass Bot of the Island, if that were my ambition, which it is not. And finally Lardo, damn girl, your command of your beer pong skills despite the volume of alcohol you imbibed was impressively precise.

Target C spotted me and alerted others. Murder incoming. Theirs. Not mine.

Dec. 18th, 2020


[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]secunit
[info]valloic
As we near the holiday season, I'll remind you:
  • Do not drink too much.
    • Because I know you will, as (most) of you are human and stupid, and drinking too much is how you demonstrate cheer without having to rely on creativity, when you drink too much and you are worried about getting home...
  • Contact me to get you there safely.
  • I am responsible, discreet, and used to having humans leak mysterious fluids of all kinds on me.
  • I will ensure that you reach home without incident and will annoy you until you drink at least three glasses of water.
  • Unless:
    • You want to talk about your feelings, my feelings, or some other person's feelings. I don't care.
    • You hit on me, flirt with me, or touch me inappropriately. I find human sexual interaction disgusting AF.
    • You insult me or behave rudely. I don't fucking put up with that. This is a free service. Behave like something better than your species.
    • Only the hockey humans may call me Murderbro. This is law.
  • Thank you and stay safe.
    • Unless I don't like you, in which case, die in a snowbank.
Happy holidays (I am being vague because they are all the same to me).

XOXOXO Murderbot

Dec. 3rd, 2020


[info]whatthebucky
[info]valloic

[info]whatthebucky
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]whatthebucky
[info]valloic
I was out by that unicorn farm not that far from the Quills and saw this.

And what? )

Dec. 2nd, 2020


[info]wwx
[info]valloic

[info]wwx
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]wwx
[info]valloic
Does anyone have a timeline on how long it can take others to arrive? People very important? I am impatient on the best of days and for Apple (the donkey, thank you, new friend Diego, for taking good care of him!) to arrive before Lan Zhan is unusual. And annoying. I have found good alcohol (he wouldn't approve) and a JOB (he would approve) and it is rude.

His loss, I guess. But Anyway, disciples of magic and the University of Unseen Arts, I am a professor there now. You should all attend my classes. At some point in the future, we'll have field trips into the forest for the hands-on experience called night-hunts! And there will be snacks, maybe soup. Basically, I am a cool teacher and I'm not going to make you write out punishments if you pass notes.

Nov. 22nd, 2020


[info]lardo
[info]valloic

[info]lardo
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]lardo
[info]valloic
Guests of the ZimBits Wedding minus Zimbits, sorry bros ((IDK, you decide if you belong here, guys))

Bros!

You lucky people are coming to Jack and Bitty's wedding, which is going to be an amazing celebration of love so bring your tissues or someone's shoulder you can cry on (I'm going to stand on a step stool so Shitty can cry on mine). Don't got a someone? That's chill! Got multiple someone's? Also chill! It'll be wicked fun either way.

I've been working on what to give Jack and Bitty for their wedding besides the gift of my organizational skills to put this celebration together and I've come up with it but I need YOUR help. Yes, you. I'm talking right to you. As we all know, Bitty makes pastry delights that melt the hardest of hearts, baking and cooking are his passion, and I have reaped the rewards multiple times otherwise I would live on dinosaur chicken nuggets and Glenn's bagel sandwiches. SO I'm putting together a cookbook of all of their favorite people's recipes which means I need you!

It doesn't matter if the ingredients can't be found here yet. It doesn't matter if your instructions are like 'I don't really remember, maybe a finger's worth of garlic.' It doesn't matter if you yourself are a terrible baker/cook and can only make ice water--no judgement, bros! I'm making a scrapbook so all of the recipes and the stories with those recipes will go in that and I'll give it to them so hopefully I can continue to reap the rewards of Bitty's culinary adventures and not live off of chicken nuggets and bagel sandwiches (but seriously bros bagel sandwiches are amazing, go get you one).

tl;dr, find me, write down your recipe and your story. Thanks bros!

Nov. 17th, 2020


[info]poindexter
[info]valloic

[info]poindexter
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]poindexter
[info]valloic
Uh. Hi, I'm Will? They kinda told me to introduce myself so, yeah. I had cookies in the oven.

Nov. 6th, 2020


[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[info]secunit
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]secunit
[info]valloic
I don't understand why some media ends tragically, with the bad guys winning or with everyone dying. Don't humans watch/listen to media for entertainment? What's entertaining about a grim and depressing conclusion to a team's adventures? Or a tale that ends on a sour note because the media wants to impart some kind of life lesson about things? I don't give a Kentucky Fried Fuck about life lessons. Tragedy is not instantly equatable with telling a worthwhile story.

I don't mind sad things happening at all. I've seen a lot of media where sad things happened, but ultimately everything turned out okay. But sad things happening isn't the same as forcing your audience to wallow in agony for no fucking reason other than to manipulate hormones to produce an effect of despair.

I don't need you to explain the concept of the "tragedy" genre to me or to argue my preferences; I am not stupid. I just think that nihilistic endings and unnecessary character deaths are bullshit, and don't add the gravitas some media creators think that they do.

:(

:(

:(

"I am a leaf on the wind" FUCK YOU, ACTUALLY.

Murderbot out. :(

Oct. 28th, 2020


[info]dreamedup
[info]valloic

[info]dreamedup
[info]valloic

[No Subject]


[info]dreamedup
[info]valloic
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, at what point in time is it important to start getting concerned about the number of things that may or may not be following you?

Like I went to get my morning bagel from Glenn and then my morning pie from Bitty, and then my morning frappuccino, followed my morning breakfast burrito, and lastly my morning milkshake and now....

I made friends? )

Nothing to worry about!!! :))))))))))))) They're not DOING anything, just hopping along, or shuffling. Just wondering!!!

MORE importantly is our SUPER awesome Halloween celebration at the Barns tomorrow!!! It's going to be SO great you guys, the animals are REALLY excited to see you, we're doing crafts, we have AMAZING fiber arts, SUCH good products, and I'll be giving out candy and compliments because sometimes we need both. :)