vallo

Okay okay so why are so many of you people married?

There's not like a dominant religion here saying "do it or perish eternally in a lack of atmo", and it's not a law (I think?? I haven't studied many laws here but so far it's like the legal system here is ~just good vibes~), and it seems like most people choose to raise their own offspring which okay, cool, choice, don't get me wrong I'm not keen on implementing a Nursey-type system, but also ick?? but also fine. Look at me, I'm being so! freaking! open! minded!



But the marriage stuff, I can't figure it out. Are there like tax benefits?? What the hell. Why saddle yourself legally with a long-term relationship? Explain it to me like I'm five. I promise this is not me trying to shit on your customs and if I do feel free to shit on mine; it'll be cultural collaboration.





Also hi I need a job; my larder is bare, etc etc etc.

I'd just like to apologize to everyone my younger self tried to eat, called food names, or made really transparent attempts at luring in. I'm sorry, typhon don't naturally recognize human beings as beings, so they look at you like you look at a head of lettuce. They also don't really get the concept of individuality, so the idea that killing one of you isn't equivalent to cutting your hair is also totally foreign. I'm back to normal now and once again possess empathy and therefore feel really bad about that.

[Murderbot and FCG]
Now will you let me out of the cooler?

ｏｐｅｎ ｔｈｅ ｃｏｏｌｅｒ

Announcement:

Morgan has regressed into his youth as a mimic. For those of you who missed Dorsey’s second cannibalism party, a mimic is a gnarly little shit that can turn into different inanimate objects - hence the name - and is dangerous, cunning, and vicious.

I currently have him trapped in the bathroom but what I need is a small container. Like a mason jar, but badass.

Do NOT hurt him. He’s just like one of your brats. He doesn’t know any better.

Also don’t let him reproduce in your face. My emotional needs are met by one Morgan.

I've spent the last 542 hours devising a plan to prevent what happened in Shit Future from happening here. I plotted instead of watching a lot of really good media, which should indicate the seriousness with which I take your continued breathing. We're going to address this threat with multiple levels of response: 1) we fix the faulty port traditionally used for hacking (sayonara shithead), 2) we create a new, quarantined module for the implementation of downloads and updates so that they'll be assessed for murdery vibes prior to installation, and 3) if that fails, a killswitch to power me down remotely. I'm giving it to Morgan.

There, I did it, I figured it out, the future won't happen, my carbon-based parts can stop producing stress hormones any time now.

...


fuck.

Murderbot out.

Vallo just decided to get me a few-days-early Eid gift. I mean... maybe not, maybe it just showed up but I'm taking this as an early Eid-Ul-Fitr gift.

I got my whole desktop setup from home! And it's all got all my stuff in there, photoshop and animation programs I've had, videos I've made, important music clips and all, some pirated movies even.. I just woke up and THERE IT WAS!


Sloth Baby Productions on YouTube can resume in a new setting. I'm thinking I should start with videos of crazy stuff that happens here so newbies can be like "oh that's what you meant by the geese incident".

I have a project (Gretchen, you're going to help with this): recreating the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

According to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "The best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.”

Now accepting suggestions on what the people think goes in that. My first thought was "lemonade and moonshine," but I feel like it also needs to taste good if it's the best drink in existence.

Wow do dragons hit hard. I got what passes for my central nervous system rattled so much that I couldn't stay in one shape. I'm beginning to think that when danger strikes, I should just turn into a coffee cup and stay out of the way. These big fights never go well for me.

Anyone looking for love, companionship, or wild sexytimes, we've just made some great improvements to Tag! set up your profile and post it and start meeting people. It's the one dating app where you're guaranteed to never get a dick pic you don't want to see.

And if you look at apps like that and think "I could do better," MageNet is hiring in all departments. We're attached to Enki coven, and we especially like people with a mix of magic and tech in their resumes. Reach out if you're interested in making cool stuff.

Smiley day to you all, welcome to La Niña. I know you may still be adjusting from your journeys from the Outpost to here last night, and that's quite alright. We, ah, weren't expecting guests so the accommodations might be sparse because it's been awhile since we've had anyone stay residentially--for you traveling folk, La Niña tends to be used only as a medical safehouse for cases that require extensive medical interventions and long term care. Viktor and I run it together. It is still an active medical facility, so please don't enter any designated care areas without being accompanied by one of us, for the safety and security of our patients.

Actually, I know some of you from

So, y'know, check in just to let everyone know you got here okay, I'm going to be wheeling around parceling out supplies, getting a sense of who is where and all, and we'll try and keep you as comfy as we can.

Has there always been a section of the city that looks like a winter wonderland and I've just missed it until now or is this "A Vallo Thing"? Either way this is the best hot cocoa I think I've ever had.

This message should be able to be seen by present and past people alike. Hello. This is Viktor. I think many of you know me. I am glad to see so many people that have been lost, but-- that is not what this entry is about.

When Interitus took control, many infrastructure systems that we had taken for granted proved fallible, and caused catastrophic challenges that might have been averted. This isn't a reprimand; this is a warning. Only now we can look to the past and see clearly certain errors that might have proven far less grave had we addressed them prior to Interitus and its forces gaining power. Of course, these issues do not go away even should you vanquish Interitus. I suspect many of them would likewise prove troublesome in different circumstances against different villains. I am not in Defense, so I can't speak to that. But I can note the following:

• Hard copies of important documents burn. Digital copies can be corrupted and deleted. Have both of what matters.
• There are adequate and knowledgeable sources of learning self defense. I recommend everyone chooses one type and practises it.
• Separate stores of first aid supplies should be stocked, with more than one failure point.
• When the medical facilities fell, many were suddenly stranded without their medications and reliable healthcare. Many minor health issues spiralled. It is why I Again, some form of backup system might be implemented in the event of disaster to ensure that no one goes without the medicine they need to survive.
• Communication devices such as the network are frequently the only safe way to pass messages to loved ones during an attack. Many citizens are only passingly familiar with technology. Consistent training should be held to ensure that their lack of knowledge does not put the entire system at risk.
• Access to clean water is a consistent problem without reliable magic. I have tried to address it so that people on the run can safely filter water from the creeks and springs using a mechanism, but it has been an uphill battle.
• I wish I had known canning prior to this.
• Structural engineering has proven to be a very important skill that few of us knew much about prior to Interitus forcing us out of town.

I am certain I have forgotten some, and welcome any other observations to help those in the past. These are just the things I have noticed, and am actually okay to speak on.

I'm glad you're all here. I don't have the workshop anymore, but I make do with whatever we can get at the compound. Recovery operations are successful pretty often. Viktor's working out of our second location. So if you need to arm up at all, patch any armor, or need gadgets and devices set up, I'm still here to help.

It goes without saying that we're relying pretty heavily on you all, I hope that's not too much stress. But I firmly believe that together we can do this. I don't think the stakes have ever been higher, if that's any motivation.

Hey folks, welcome to the shitty future you're hoping to avoid for yourselves. Thanks for coming.

When you came from, the network is for fun. Here, it's the primary communication medium for a resistance that's scrambling to survive, and it's under constant attack and held together with paperclips and hope. This means:

• Don't try to run a bunch of data across it unless you need to. Keep your comms to text as much as possible.
  
• SECURITY IS PARAMOUNT. You'll notice the passphrase requirements are stricter than on the network you came from. That's because Murderbot got hacked/enthralled and he can bruteforce your oh-so-clever "password1" in about two seconds without even having to know you'd pick a password that dumb in the first place.
  
• Smash your device to pieces before you let it fall into the hands of the enemy.
  

This is a test post

Good morning, folks, we are back online. Sorry about the outage - it's not a security breach this time, just an update that went a little sideways.

If you run into anybody who can't get back on, tell them to do what the sign on my door says: turn your device off and back on again, and if that fails, delete the application and reinstall.

ETA: And while I've got you here, now is always a good time to change your passphrase. And YES, it still has to be at least 16 characters, that rule is not going anywhere.

ETA2: This is also your reminder to never let your device leave your person. This network is only as secure as we make it.

They say it takes the average person a month to give up on their new year's resolutions. Which - you couldn't have really wanted it if you're only willing to give it a month.

That said, who wants to go sit across from some terrible cross fit gym with me, a bottle of Jack's, and a pint of ice cream.

is anybody free to transport a small tentacle creature to the clinic?

or possibly something else

i think i got the flu

and i'm having a hard time holding a form

it keeps changing when i sneeze

this is the first time i've been able to type all morning

please help

Seasons greetings motherfuckers. It's that time of year again. That magical time when you all party too hard engaging in social obligations and find yourself tottering with your higher judgment totally fucked. Year three. Let's go:

As we near the holiday season, I'll remind you:

• Do not drink too much.
  • Because I know you will, as (most) of you are human and stupid, and drinking too much is how you demonstrate cheer without having to rely on creativity, when you drink too much and you are worried about getting home...
• Contact me to get you there safely.
• I am responsible, discreet, and used to having humans leak mysterious fluids of all kinds on me.
• I am also not sexually interested in you, unlike Todd from Accounting.
• I will ensure that you reach home without incident and will annoy you until you drink at least three glasses of water.
• Unless:
  • You want to talk about your feelings, my feelings, or some other person's feelings. I don't care.
  • You hit on me, flirt with me, or touch me inappropriately. I find human sexual interaction disgusting AF.
  • You insult me or behave rudely. I don't fucking put up with that. This is a free service. Behave like something better than your species.
• Thank you and stay safe.
  • Unless I don't like you, in which case, die in a snowbank.

Don't fuck yourself up this holiday season or I'll do it for you. And a happy New Year or whatever.

Now. What fuckery does this weird-ass planet have planned for us this holiday?

Hey, calling in from Enki offices. We're getting that weird magi-tech signal from the Void like we did last spring - chat feed and video, same as before. Please check for missing persons and report them to the DOA.

Chat feed is here for anyone who wants or needs to monitor it. Working on getting the video up.

UPDATE: Got the video feed up. Looks like a different place than last time.

UPDATE 2: Things just got worse for them. They're connected to at least two other places. One is Talos I, my old space station. The other is...I don't even know. It looks like a carnival of guns.

The hockey humans went home several months ago, and after refusing to acknowledge their departure had any effect on my emotional state, after quantitatively reviewing data from my recent performance reliability, I can admit that their disappearance has altered my routine in negative ways (ugh).

I have decided to acquire a miniature carbon-based life form to mind, because even Morgan has his limits with my constant interferences. Because this life form is to take the place of the hockey humans, I have several requirements: I need it to be dumb, because I don't want it to outsmart me, but also I would also ask that it be tough, because I will worry about it when I'm working away from home and I don't want to live in a state of terror about its longevity.

Does anyone know where I can procure the meanest kitten? I want it to be a real asshole. Thank you.

Now that was a party. Had a great time, you two lovebirds. Cross my fingers and toes you aren't sucked into a hell dimension where some wolf-masked motherfucker hits on you and you have to summon rats to escape. Ain't love sweet.

In other news. I've been sitting on them but if anyone's feeling nostalgic, I woke up to a whole buncha records from home. Not all of them, but a chunk of the heavy hitters - the Sha Na Nas, the Read It and Weeps, and a chunk of Frank Spicer's back catalog. I even got me a old Louise Brighton B-side. Now, I know none of that sounds familiar to any of y'all uncultured swine, save maybe background music to your trauma, but me? I got me a complicated relationship with Blackreef's soundtrack. So I've been ~enjoying~ myself, been fucking around with my record player, making improvements, making it purr. It needed a new cartridge which was fun to find here in Vallo. Had me a nice little Sunday looking through the junk markets. No one shot me. If this is retirement, call me an old-ass geezer 'cause I fucking love it.

Still at Sofia's. Been waiting to get bored. Hasn't happened yet. Eldritch garlic knots have got themselves a way of preying on the mind.