vallo

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Hey guys, PSA.

1. If you put a cucumber next to a cat when they aren't looking it's considered absolute betrayal and therapy may be required.

2. I can't believe I have to clarify this but I am in no way related to anyone in this cat-people tavern in the forest. I don't know why I've gained VIP status there. I also don't know why sometimes they also think I work there. I don't. I really don't. I've explained this so many times but no one listens and I keep going there anyway because the food's good, 10/10.

3. 90% of my posts are numbered like this so I figured I'd keep up the tradition.

[Filtered away from Fen]

Can anyone tell me if there are places that offer horseback riding to the public? Not lessons, just riding for fun/leisure.

rar( rawr )

Alright, who's coming to Skyhold tomorrow to celebrate my birthday? Gonna have dinner in the tavern and probably drinks, chill with Hannibal the war elephant, play some video games, then kick everyone out because I'm married to the guy with the hottest ass and that's the best birthday gift.

But yeah, if that sounds cool to you - come on by. If not, well, I guess I'll just cry about it.

rar( rawr )

Now that I've spent most of the day in bed being smothered by dogs, how is everyone doing? I can deliver potions if anyone needs them. I also have burn paste if anyone needs it.

rar( rawr )

So, turns out that I fucking suck at writing scripts, so if anyone wants to do that for me, hit me up. It's a no budget zombie horror-comedy and I got the story all done so someone just needs to write it. You ain't getting paid.

And then, I dunno, maybe I'll make the damn thing eventually. It ain't gonna be great and you ain't getting paid, but it might be fun or some shit.

You know, I'm usually like - totally fine with The Patented Vallo Surprise™? And I grew up in the era of VCRs and video tapes, so, when I found a tape on the front seat of my car this morning and it had Ras's name on it, I wasn't at all suspicious (maybe a little) but I also didn't think I found Ras's snuff film collection so it'd be fine? We'd just find a VCR and watch the tape? Turns out, she had the matching VCR.

Did you guys know that the odds of giving birth to sextuplets spontaneously are one in 4.7 billion? Well, this movie had that ONE out of 4.7 billion. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Also, Prigany gets a lot of questions about love during this time of year - they have a whole list to help you focus if you're curious, whether you're single or in a relationship or shackled to your respective ball or chain. I can also do a drawing for you to answer your burning question, as long as you're not creeped out by my white-eyed fugue state during Vision Quests.

It's not Christmas and it's not my birthday, so I'm going to call it an early Valentine's present. Someone CLEARLY loves me. Or my work. OR BOTH!? I stepped outside of the shop this morning for some fresh air before getting to work on some new ideas for self-repairing armor and there is this giant, new, beautiful state of the art forge attached to the shop that wasn't there last night. Gear-based bellows, a magnificent (barely used) anvil, pull chains for controlled heating.

Whoever you are, thaaaaaaank you. This will really expand the work I can do here.


[ooc | editor's note, this is Jayce Talis' family forge and redemption request, sorry Brigitte]

[FILTERED TO FRIENDS]

Despite having already avenged myself in the chocobo races today, Adam and I had a bet that whoever won at Defense yesterday would owe the other pizza. And now that I have $200 to burn, I figured I might as well make it a pizza party on Darla.

I'm thinking tomorrow night. Is that okay for everyone?

There is an angry little doll in black clothes, following me around and berating my life choices. What did I do to deserve this? She wants my phone and says she'll "do a shit" on my shoes if I don't find her "idiots." Vallo gives me a headache. Come claim your doll before I light it on fire.

Seriously, this is creepy and I don't like it.

Yo, so have you returned from the war? Did you eat yet today?

How about water?

I managed to get one of the sheep led back where it belongs. There were two more I spotted about three miles east of Skyhold's outer wall, but I wasn't able to catch them. For sheep, they're wily, and not nearly so interested in apple slices as I generally expect a sheep to be. If you're in the area, see if you can do better than I did.

I also learned that those undead creatures are shockingly strong. Leather armor is good for keeping a bite from breaking the skin, but one of the bloody things still brought its jaw down hard enough to break my arm. Nothing a healer couldn't fix, but I cannot recommend it it as an activity for fun.

I think I used gifs right. It's supposed to help catch attention?

Cullen and I talked to some farmers and monsters scared their sheep away. There are twelve of them loose in the forest. If you're killing monsters out there, please keep an eye out for them. They would like their sheep back alive. [Coordinates of the farm] I will help them look too. The people are nice but are very old and can't do it themselves.

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[FILTERED TO WANDA MAXIMOFF]

I talked to Catra. If you can come to Darla, we'll do it there, and she'll stay with me. She said not this weekend, so maybe the next one?

[FILTERED TO FRIENDS]

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone! Hope you all had a good yesterday! 😊

[FILTERED TO VI & CAITLYN (+ CATRA)]

I just saw what happened to Viktor yesterday. I hope he's doing okay. If there's anything we can do to help, let me know.

I need tips on how to survive acc acclimate?? assimilate into WORDS do well in school.

I am looking for help with:
- Organizing binders
- How to handle bullies (I don't think I'm allowed to make them pee themselves but I am checking just in case)
- Slang
- Is cafeteria food safe?
- Are there a lot of old vampires that pretend to be teenagers to go to school?
- Gym sports and what to expect
- Best way to study

If anyone can think if anything else please let me know. I watched Mean Girls and I don't know if what happens there is true. Twilight didn't make sense either.

You want to know what's really dumb? The fact that all of the pregnancy memes out there on the internet are super not funny and real basic suburban mom shit.

Oh and hey, Sara? This means I'm probably going to need some time off from patrolling in seven months or so.

[RAYLAN GIVENS]

Please don't give me any shit about continuing patrolling while knocked up. I was kicking demon's in the face right up until I gave birth the first time. I can and will do it again if I have to. 😘