There wasn’t anything Sam could have done to prevent this, he knew that, unless he had physically restrained Dean the other day when he and Jack had confronted him. Something was wrong though, and every avenue had to be explored because weirder things had happened in their lives, and it would be stupid to think that Dean’s behavior, the sudden change in his personality, was real. Sam hadn’t really thought that Sasha was secretly a witch or had hex bags planted or spells put on Dean, she had texted him the other day about Dean’s weird behavior after all (which he hadn’t dimed her out for, by the way), but he needed to point out everything that might make Dean stop and think, consider it, and he had thought that had eventually happened. But it hadn’t. Instead, his brother had written to him the day after the fact to tell him he had gotten married. Everything else aside, that spoke volumes to Sam about how much he mattered to Dean that he hadn’t even considered telling Sam at all when it was being talked about or rings were being picked up. It was a big thing, a big chapter of Dean’s life, and he had made the decision not to invite his brother.
And Sam had watched the episode where he had married Becky after Dean had told him about it, and even though he was mindless from a demon made love potion, he had still called and waited for Dean, and he was fucked up that Dean didn’t have the same thought.
Anyway, the reason for Dean suddenly falling in love was a series of teas full of human emotions had gotten into the water system, and into Dean somehow, maybe when he had been brushing his teeth or showering. Now that it was gone and out of his system, Dean’s real feelings were out, and they weren’t exactly the ones he had when he’d said his wedding vows, and he sounded unsure about what to do. Maybe if they put their heads together and talked it out they could come up with something together. Or maybe Dean just wanted to vent his frustration at the situation the teas had put him in. Either way, Sam was there for him. He said he was coming home at some point, but he wasn’t expecting him soon because he had seen he and Sasha were getting a pizza. Sam took his laptop to the kitchen, got a beer and made a sandwich, and settled in to check out local places online to see who was hiring.
Dean was at a complete loss of what to do and he was feeling a mixture of emotions, some he couldn’t even describe. He liked Sasha, he enjoyed spending time with her and doing things for her, but marriage? That was a huge step up. He didn’t want to move in with her, he didn’t love her, but he did care for her. After finishing up at her apartment he made his way home where Sam was waiting for him. “Sammy?” he called out upon entering the bunker and making his way down the stairs. He heard his voice call out from the kitchen and he made his way there to find his brother seated at the table.
“Hey, how’s it going?” he questioned with a slight hesitation and moved to grab himself a beer from the fridge for himself, and one for Sam as well. “Do you think maybe we should get a tree for the bunker or something? It’s too bad we don’t have Mrs. Butters still. After she-” he cut himself off suddenly, realizing that Sam had no idea who she was. “A wood nymph used to keep this place powered up, it’s so much more awesome when her magic juices up the bunker. The map table in the war room? That thing actually worked for once, and it was fucking awesome.” He was avoiding the subject, clearly, and he knew that Sam wasn’t going to sit around and listen to him blather on about the future.
“Sam, I’m sorry that I didn’t invite you to the ceremony.” He apologized softly and moved to sit across from his brother at the table. “I knew that if I did you would tell me I was fucking crazy and some shit like that and I...well, I was riding a high and I didn’t want to come down,” Dean admitted, taking a long swig from his beer.
Sam looked up when Dean came in and accepted the beer from him silently. He wasn’t going to comment that he didn’t know who Mrs. Butters was, surely she was from a future that he hadn’t lived yet, but he liked to hear sometimes since he had settled into the knowledge of what they were and how much he had missed. “The map table in the war room actually worked? I bet that was something to see.” He remarked before he took a sip from his bottle and shrugged. “I don’t know about the Christmas tree. It’s up to you, Jack and Cas, doesn’t matter to me.”
It was clear that Dean was avoiding talking about what he had come home to talk about, and truthfully, Sam didn’t know if he would have any answers - or any that Dean would like, so he wasn’t going to press him to get to the topic. He was okay with sitting there and letting his brother do things in his own time, so he looked down at his laptop screen again and listened to Dean as he navigated mechanically through a website. His eyes snapped back up, however at Dean’s next words.
“It’s fine,” he said and shrugged. “It’s your life, you do what you want with it. You don’t have to involve me in it, any part of it. Just don’t tell anyone or me how important I am to you when your ‘high’ took precedence over your brother, so I hope it was a really good one. And that? You can’t blame on those teas, that was all you. Your decision. So anyway, forgiven,” he closed his laptop. “What did you want to talk about?”
Of course, Sam didn’t care one way or another about the tree. “Yeah, it was really cool. I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of it when it happens for you.” He didn’t want to fight with Sam over any of this, he wanted the whole thing to be over and done with. “Sam, please, I just-” both hands came up to rub briskly at his face, Dean trying his best to remain calm. “I fucked up, okay? I get it, and I’m sorry. I know you’re still bothered by it, even if you say I’m forgiven.” His brother was the one constant in life he could always count on to be there, and he had let him down.
“I wanted to talk about this marriage shit, but it’s not important right now. You and I? That’s what I’m concerned about right now.” Dean let out a deep exhale and leaned back slightly in his chair, his gaze on Sam’s laptop on the table. “I didn’t even dress up, it was just her and I with these rings we picked out from a display.” He held his hand up to show him the thin brushed metal band. “If we do decide to take this marriage seriously, I would want to do it all over again so that I could have the most important person in my life at my side.”
Sam knew he was being pissy, but he couldn’t help it. An important day in Dean’s life and he hadn’t even known about it, and it was hard not to run off and have a spite marriage happen with Ruby just to show Dean how it felt, but that was childish and he wasn’t into chaining himself to anyone like that. There weren’t any takebacks on it, and even if there was a second wedding, it wasn’t the first. But like he had said, whether he felt that way or not, Dean had his own life. If he were an older version knew Dean better maybe it would have been different, but as it was there was no use in making an issue out of something that had already happened.
When Dean flashed his wedding band at him, Sam just leaned back in his chair with his beer to his lips and bit his tongue, keeping the remark about the most important person in Dean’s life being there at a second wedding because he had to marry her to himself, though it was close. “You’re forgiven, again. This isn’t about me, or us, you know no matter how pissed at you I am I’m always going to be here, so forget about it, let’s talk about what you came here to talk about.”
It seemed selfish to just throw his mess of emotions out in the open, but Sam appeared to be set on the way he felt and it seemed pointless to force his hand. Dean was quiet for a bit and he began to twist the wedding band nervously around his finger. “I’m scared, Sam. I wish I had no idea what life held in store for me, but I do, and I have to deal with that.” He stated honestly, his voice soft at the admission. “I just want something good for myself, I feel like I deserve that much, and I keep thinking that she could be my only chance at a happy ending. Or, as close to one as I can get. But, I don’t know if I can love her the way she should be loved. You were right when you said I’d need a lifetime supply of that tea to keep things going. What the fuck do I know about love?”
He reached up to run a slow hand through his hair and grabbed his beer to take a long swig. “She makes me happy, I enjoy spending time with her, and I care about her. For some reason, she seems to like me in return, so...I don’t know what I came here to talk about specifically. I just wanted to see you, mostly, and apologize in person.”
Sam was glad that Dean seemed to drop whatever apology he wanted to give him because honestly, he didn’t think there was any that would make that feeling go away. Yeah, of course he’d internalize it and be okay about it outwardly, but he couldn’t help but feel insignificant. When Dean started talking again, about how scared he was, Sam was angry at whatever had thought it was a good idea to show him these things if there was no way to stop them. It was just supposed to be. But… it also could have been showing him what life was going to be like out there. For the Dean that wasn’t here. “Life dealt you an unfair hand, really unfair, so maybe this - maybe it is your chance at a happy ending. Maybe the universe decided to finally be fair with you and sent you here, gave you this opportunity so you could be happy. Maybe things were designed this way for you to find someone that you could feel that way about.”
Sam had no idea why he was even encouraging this because he thought that any kind of love spell or potion or tea of emotions was a bad thing and couldn’t result in anything that stayed good. It might have been the hollow sound in Dean’s voice or how hopeless he seemed, and he needed to hear something good. It wasn’t like Dean took advice from him, anyway.
“What do you feel like you want to do?”
"I just want to be loved, Sam. I really don't think that's too much to ask." Dean blurted out randomly, the thought having slipped out somehow. "I mean-" his eyes closed and he drew in a deep breath. He lifted his hand to his face and pinched firmly at the bridge of his nose. He was getting old, a different woman in his bed every night was no longer appealing to him. But, he and Sasha barely knew each other still. She had no idea what he had done in his past, the people he had killed, the mistakes he had made. Those things could change the way she felt about him and he needed to tell her, but he wasn’t ready for that.
“I think I should probably get the marriage annulled if that’s even possible.” He finally admitted, as much as it pained him to do so. Dean was confident in his abilities to hunt but far less confident in his ability to love and let go. If he allowed himself, he could learn to love again, but that was the problem. He wasn’t ready to let that happen.
It pained Sam, a lot, to hear that admission from Dean. He already knew that behind the macho facade Dean portrayed for everyone who would look that there was a massive soft touch that could be just as sensitive as Sam was (yes, he knew he was). Loving and being loved wasn’t something that Dean would ever have admitted to out loud before, even though he had felt it, been feeling it, probably for years. He knew, too, that Dean felt like he didn’t deserve to be loved, either, and nothing could have been further from the truth.
“You should ask yourself if you’re unhappy being married, Dean, and if you’re not, really not, give it a chance, see where it goes. Act like you’re dating. If it doesn’t work out, then you’ll know, right? You’ll be able to say that you tried. And if it does - well, then. It does.”
Dean looked at his brother in awe. “Wow, dude, that is really good advice.” He replied genuinely, finding what his brother had said to be incredibly helpful. “I’m not unhappy about it, I don’t mind the commitment, but I just-” why did he always have to make things more complicated than necessary? He stood swiftly and went over to give Sammy a hug, his arms tight around him. “Thank you, bro. You’re the best. I owe it to myself to at least try.”