nyx ulric (galahdan) wrote in valloic, @ 2020-11-13 11:32:00 |
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I remember when her heart broke over stubborn shit that's no way to be living kid; the angel of death is ruthless and I'm always thinking summertime with the bikes out pushing our luck, getting wiped out; days with nothing but laughing loud ↪
Selena.
It came, clear as day, mingled into the last remnants of sleep. In a voice he'd recognize anywhere. But not in the scream he so often heard. Not twinged with the fear and despair and sheer terror of her last moments that haunted him so often. No. Like before. Before death and destruction tore them apart.
Clear. Amused. A hint of mischief.
Nyx…
He woke, startled. Ragged gasps of breath and his gaze immediately darted to Bucky - still asleep which was a rarity but one Nyx was glad for, they woke each other up enough as it was. Asleep but still there, which given the fickle nature of who came and went was always a relief in a way Nyx figured he'd never be able to put into words. In a cold sweat Nyx went through the checklist. Bucky was there and looked the way he had when they'd got to bed, the room looked right, he didn't feel in the wrong body or a younger body, he summoned his kukri and sent it back to check he still could. All of it muscle memory at this point. All of it actions he'd gone through countless times since he'd ended up on this crazy dimension hopping journey.
Slowly he sat up, knees bent, rested his elbow on one and raked a hand through his hair. From the corner of his eye he could still see the ever rotating group of shadowy figures that had become a constant the past couple days. He flipped them the finger and let out a slow breath.
Nyx…
His eyes darted to the bedroom door, the hallway beyond. A flash of dark hair.
He got out of the bed, tugged on the shirt and joggers that had been tossed unceremoniously on the floor earlier and headed down the hall. Selena would appear and vanish around corners, leading him to the back patio doors. He stopped to put on a pair of boots and a hoodie from the coat rack. He didn't need to see her to know where she was headed and Nyx quickly made his way through the deck to the pasture out back where they kept the goats.
Selena stepped onto the lower rung of the fence, arms over the top as she looked over the goats. Nyx watched, still several feet back as his breath still struggled to get much past the back of his throat.
Selena turned, smiled - and Nyx had to blink hard against the tears in his eyes, not wanting this moment - this moment that felt so much like the home that had been ripped from them - to be blurred. But gods he had missed that smile. Carefree, wild and knowing all at once. Free of the weight of what their lives ended up being.
"Does it ever make you think of Uncle Merrik's?" she asked as she looked back over the pasture.
Nyx pressed his lips tight. A million and one memories flooding over him all at once. Slowly he moved closer to the fence - to his sister. He knew exactly what she meant. Their Uncle's garula farm. Countless mornings spent helping with the chores there before afternoons spent exploring every inch of their beloved islands. Mornings that had faded into afternoons that had then faded into those long evenings he had always assumed would last forever. Naive in thinking the war that was waged on other lands would never hit their shores.
He stepped next to his sister and leaned his arms against the top fence rung. Nyx glanced to Selena beside him and smiled. "All the time." Quiet mornings spent doing what needed to get done before the hustle and bustle of the day kicked in. Quiet he hadn't even realized he'd missed so much until it had folded seamlessly into his routine. Finally giving him space to actually decompress for the first time in over a decade (two, if one wanted to count the ten years he'd spent dead - gone but not quite gone either, left in limbo until that last ditch effort by the gods to have their prophecy fulfilled).
He glanced down at his hands, and he hadn't realized they'd started to shake a little until he did. "I miss you - so damn much."
"I know," Selena answered.
Nyx turned, leaned against the fence post and looked at his sister. "I - " he started.
"Don't you dare follow that up with sorry, asshole," his sister cut him off. A tease to the words but Nyx knew her well enough to know she meant every word.
Despite himself, Nyx laughed a little. "Fair." Though he still felt it. Seeped into every inch of him. The guilt of still living while so many had been lost that day. The guilt of being unable to save his sister, his mom… the things he had struggled and struggled to live with and kept losing the battle against.
"It wasn't your fault, Nyx," Selena added. She tried to put her hand over his, but there was nothing to be felt other than a slight cooling against his hands.
Truthfully Nyx knew that. He'd been a kid who'd done nothing more than break up bar fights from time to time. There was no way he could have fought the hell the Empire had rained down on them. But it didn't change that he felt like he should have. That his sister died because he wasn't good enough, strong enough. He'd clung to that for so long he wasn't even sure who he was anymore outside of it.
"Say it," she pressed and Nyx hung his head with a soft laugh.
"You always were way too stubborn for you own good," he said instead.
"Gee, wonder where I got that one from," was the reply, twinged with amusement. Selena paused. "Say it wasn't your fault."
Nyx looked up at his sister. Seventeen with the rest of her whole damn life ahead of her. A better person than he could ever dream of being. Whip smart, strong and as wild as the river that twisted through their lands.
"I -" he started, voice cracking on the word. "I can't." As much as he wanted to give his sister that, he couldn't. It'd be nothing more than a lie and he didn't want to lie to her.
"You need to let me go, Nyx," she said next, words heavy between them.
Nyx swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. "I can't do that, Selena, I can't let go, I can't forget - " he trailed off. "I don't want to let go and forget you."
There was a pause. Selena huffed a small noise. "Well that's some dramatic bullshit," she countered. "Just - let go of the grief, let go of the guilt. You're not going to forget me, Nyx." Another pause. "You can't keep going like this though. You gave everyone a future, isn't it time you had one for yourself?"
Nyx shook his head. "You didn't get one," the words heavy as he spoke them.
"That's not your fault, Nyx. It never was," his sister said gently. "You got a good life here, I'm happy for you and I don't want to be something hanging over you anymore." She smiled. "Keep the good, let go of the bad. For me?"
Nyx smiled, let out a slow breath. "I'll work on it," he offered.
Selena studied him a long moment. "That sounds an awful lot like some deflection there," she pointed out.
"I mean it, Selena," Nyx assured her. "I'm not - there, yet. But I'll work on it. Deal?" A compromise really. But he meant the words, even under the scrutinizing gaze of his sister.
"Deal," she finally said. A pause. "And work on letting go of all that too?" she added and nodded to where a cluster of ghosts hovered on the deck. "That's a hell of a secret Mom kept," she added.
Nyx laughed a little. "Yeah. I'm glad she did though." It was hard enough to reconcile now at thirty whatever, he struggled to think about what it would have been like as a kid. He didn't hold resentment to his mom for not telling him, not even close. He was grateful she let him be just - Nyx Ulric. A kid from Galahd. Without all the weight that would have come with being known back then as King Regis' illegitimate child.
"You hanging around for a while?" he asked. "We could go in, I'd like you to meet someone." Even if it would one sided.
Selena smiled, pressed her hands against the top rung of the fence and leaned over it a little as she looked back at the goats. "Yeah, in a few? Kind of want to stay out here for a bit more."
Nyx smiled and followed his sister's gaze back to the goats. "Works for me." Nyx knew it wouldn't be forever, hell it might not even be more than few hours. But he'd take whatever time he got.