Cullen didn't much like talking about any of this. It was difficult and painful. It dredged up all his guilt, shame, and bad memories just like the demons at Kinloch had. Unlike the demons, however, this could be worked through and dealt with. He had control here. His discomfort showed, but he'd spent a lot of his life in discomfort. He could manage.
"It was the start," he answered. He took a breath, then gave himself the push he needed to explain. "At Kirkwall, my idea of managing what happened to me at Kinloch was to isolate myself and to follow the rules to the letter. There was much I didn't know, as a result — and signs I ignored because I did not want to believe what they implied. The explosion and the battle that followed forced me to begin understanding what I had thought to avoid. The time I spent as acting Knight-Commander, though..."
A wave of memory washed over him, and Cullen flinched visibly. Even now, years later, that period was difficult to think on. Neria had asked, though, and Cullen felt he owed her an explanation more than just about anyone.
"As Knight-Commander, isolating myself was no longer an option," he continueed, after a short, calming breath. "I learned just how much abuse had happened under my command, because I had made choices that allowed me to not see it. I lost the luxury of dismissing rumors out of hand, and had to investigate them and discover just how much truth was sometimes at the heart of them. And as we began putting Kirkwall back together after so much of it was crushed, I realized that devastation at that level was not merely the result of one man's violent action — it came of centuries of fear turned to rage and paranoia, which was mirrored perfect in my knight-commander's fear turned to rage and paranoia, which was in turn near identical to my own. I was standing in a half-collapsed home in Hightown, staring at a chunk of the Chantry wall that had destroyed it, when all that hit at once and the metaphor became a bit too obvious to ignore. And I suppose that was when the decision was made, that I could not continue in good conscience with the Templars."