InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Fezzes are cool!"

Tim Stoker (gonekayaking) wrote in valloic,
@ 2020-10-05 21:58:00

Entry tags:

!network post, ₴ inactive: georgie barker

archive squad + georgie.

Definitely avoid the spooky new hotel. I just had a less than pleasant evening. But I got to pay our dear friend Orsinov another compliment. So it kind of balanced out.

jontim.

Danny was there. Like. Like nothing had happened. He was fucking excited about the damn building. It was just so real. It was like I never lost him. And then... Then they made me watch. Again. I think I'm going to be sick.

katetim.

I can't turn it off. I'm burning too hot, and I can't stop it. ~~And I had to kill you. I couldn't save you, and I had to kill you instead. And I can't~~ ~~I know you'd never actually be captured like that~~ ~~But it felt so real~~ ~~And I can't~~ It's angry that I failed, and I think it's making me suffer.

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archive squad + georgie.

thearchivist
2020-10-06 04:33 am UTC (link)

Considering it's a place that feeds on fear and I'm a thing that feeds on fear?

jontim.

It isn't your fault.

I wish I could fix this.

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archive squad + georgie.

gonekayaking
2020-10-06 04:37 am UTC (link)

Excuse you. You are a person with very specific dietary needs.

jontim.

I know, Jon. I think we all wish we could fix any of it.

But hey. If I make it through the night, maybe I'll be a little less likely to get blown up again?

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archive squad + georgie.

thearchivist
2020-10-06 05:30 am UTC (link)

And that somehow makes it okay that I benefit from the suffering of others? That I've felt like I'm slowly wasting away for months and now this awful thing is happening and all I can think is oh finally something to make it stop? That there's a part of me that's happy people are suffering because maybe now this ache will go away?

jontim.

So you're tied to the Desolation now? ~~But you're mine~~

You're not going to die, Tim.

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archive squad + georgie.

gonekayaking
2020-10-06 05:36 am UTC (link)

Wait. Wait. Slowly been doing what for months? Jon. Jonathan. Jonathan Nathan Sims. What have you not been telling us?

jontim.

Unfortunately. Or fortunately. Pretty sure that's the only way I got out of that hotel. Otherwise, I just would have been stuck there watching Orsinov kill all of you over and over and over.

Feels like it. Feels like my organs are turning into a bloody soup that I'm going to hurl right back up once it's done being on the boil.

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	archive squad + georgie. whattheghost 2020-10-06 06:04 am UTC (link)
	I knew you weren't well Jon. You really need to be better about telling us. We can help. I'm also coming with you. It probably can't touch me, at least not fear wise, and I can get people out if needed. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archive squad + georgie. thearchivist 2020-10-06 06:06 am UTC (link)
	I was planning to, if it got worse. I just don't like thinking about the fact that I'm not human any more. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archive squad + georgie. whattheghost 2020-10-06 06:11 am UTC (link)
	I'm worried about what you consider 'worse'. I wish I could help. But I think human is what we make of it, you know. You still care, and love, and have us. That’s a big part of 'human', I think. We can find a balance. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archive squad + georgie. thearchivist 2020-10-06 04:39 pm UTC (link)
	I'm honestly not sure. You're right. I know you're right. I guess I ought to go check out this hotel. See if it helps. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archive squad + georgie. whattheghost 2020-10-06 04:43 pm UTC (link)
	That's concerning Jon. You know that right? I'm going with you. Maybe I can help. I don't know I can't sit here and do nothing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archive squad + georgie. thearchivist 2020-10-06 05:00 pm UTC (link)
	I know. I'm working on it, but I still have my flaws. I don't think that would be wise, Georgie. Not at first. I think I need to see how I react to the hotel before I go with anyone else, if that makes sense? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	archive squad + georgie. whattheghost 2020-10-06 08:42 pm UTC (link)
	I'll give you an hour with the spooky hotel then I'm coming after you. We're literally in the middle of deconstructing horror tropes so don't be one and walk into the trap alone alright? (Reply to this) (Parent)

archive squad + georgie.

thearchivist
2020-10-06 06:05 am UTC (link)

It hasn't been that bad. Yet. I've been managing it. I had planned to talk to you all if it got much worse.

I'm connected to the Eye. Irrevocably. I'm pretty sure it's the only thing keeping me alive. The only reason I didn't die in the Unknowing. But that means there are things that I need.

jontim.

So you need to hurt something? Right?

I'll heal. It's not like with Jude. I wasn't nearly as tied to the Eye then. I'll heal. If it will help...just let me help. I can't lose you again.

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archive squad + georgie.

gonekayaking
2020-10-06 06:10 am UTC (link)

You could have talked to us before it got worse. When it started, maybe? So it didn't have to get worse. I mean, fuck, Jon. This was what caused issues before. You not telling us things.

We want you to be okay.

jontim.

No. No. I'm not hurt you just to spare myself the pain.

I don't care if it'll heal. It's still going to fucking hurt. And you've already had to deal with enough fucking avatars trying to hurt you.

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archive squad + georgie.

thearchivist
2020-10-06 03:15 pm UTC (link)

Yes, I know. It's my fault. I get that. But you have no idea what it was like, Tim. Every time. Every time I slipped even a little. Every time I didn't handle it perfectly, didn't push it down and suppress it and ignore it, there were people there reminding me that I'm a monster. It's not as simple as just forgetting all of that.

I know you do. And I'm sorry I'm not better at this.

jontim.

I don't mind. Really I don't. Not if it helps you.

Honestly, it barely affects me any more. And it's different if it's you. If it keeps you safe, I'm alright with it. I don't want you to suffer if you don't have to.

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archive squad + georgie.

gonekayaking
2020-10-06 03:40 pm UTC (link)

I'm not going to call you a monster for things you can't help, for needing something to survive. Even if none of the rest of us understand it. Fuck. Jon. We just want you to be all right, and I don't think any of us are going to react like that.

Don't be sorry, Jon. Be better. Please. For your own sake.

jontim.

I don't care if you don't mind. I'm not hurting you to help myself.

No matter how much you're telling me you'll be fine. I don't want to risk it not being fine.

I already had to watch you get flayed like a fish tonight. I'm not going to risk having to watch you melt as well.

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archive squad + georgie.

thearchivist
2020-10-06 05:08 pm UTC (link)

~~Why not? Everyone else did.~~ I know. I know you do. And I'm trying to keep that in mind.

~~Be better~~ ~~As though it's so easy~~ I'll do my best.

jontim.

Maybe you should!

It's what I deserve after all.

I'm the reason you died. I'm the reason you're like this. I'm the reason Martin still feels like the Lonely and why Daisy gave into the Hunt irrevocably and why everything is worse. I'm the reason the world ended.

Maybe I deserve to suffer.

I'm sorry for suggesting it. And I'm sorry you had to see it.

And I need you to stop telling me about it right now because it feels good and I don't want that. Not from you.

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archive squad + georgie.

gonekayaking
2020-10-06 05:28 pm UTC (link)

Remember that we love you, okay? The you that you were and the you that you are and everything in between. Even when you act like a fucking dumbass.

That's all we can ask.

jontim.

Jon. If it's helping. I'd rather help. It's not like I'm going to get it out of my head anytime soon, watching that fucking doll cut all of you to pieces.

Even Basira, Daisy, and Melanie. Like I gave a damn about them. But it still fucking hurt. Even barely knowing them. It still hurt.

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archive squad + georgie.

thearchivist
2020-10-06 05:33 pm UTC (link)

I'll try.

jontim.

Stop, Tim. Just bloody stop.

You don't get to do that. You don't get to insist that you don't want to hurt me to help yourself and then do the exact same bloody thing. You think I want that living in your head? How is that fair. Stop coddling me and then throwing yourself into the damn fire for my sake. You don't get to put that on me. I have quite enough guilt as it is, thank you.

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jontim.

gonekayaking
2020-10-06 05:49 pm UTC (link)

You think it's not already going to live in my head? Do you really think I'm going to forget what I saw any time soon? That it hasn't been almost five fucking years since what happened with Danny, and I don't still see it every time I close my fucking eyes?

I'm not fucking coddling you. When have I ever fucking coddled you? Even when you were a damned baby in research, I still let you nearly burn yourself out before I stepped in. If I'd been fucking coddling you, I would have been dragging your ass out the door every day at five. But that wasn't what you needed.

No more than pretending like you can manage this shit on your own is what you need to be doing right now.

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