InsaneJournal

Taking a break from killing Gumby to review all the food I have had so far in your world (priorities, priorities). Please know that these are entirely my own opinions, and that it's not my fault if yours suck, so feel free to take everything personally. Without further ado:

GIDEON'S COMPREHENSIVE AND ACCURATE LIST OF FOODSTUFFS - VALLO EDITION

• Apple: My first real apple I have ever had! I've tasted lab-grown apple of course, and once I had a dehydrated apple slice so old it looked like a Great-Aunt, but the real thing is great - lush, good texture, nice sweet/sour bite. 9/10

• Ahi Tuna: I was skeptical and I still am. It's squishy and cold as a tomb. The sesame seeds imparted a delicious nutty (hahaha) taste and texture, and I could see the appeal on a hot day, but honestly texture-wise it reminded me too much of cannibalism, so nah. 5/10.

• Avocado: Metaphor for my life. You get this big round thing that you squeeze with the soft touch of an uncertain and chaste lover, but when you split it open, it's mostly seed. I have been informed that this is the luck of the draw, and my luck sucks, so there's that to take into account. The part of the avocado fruit I ate was delicious, but there was so little of it. Avocado, you're ON NOTICE.

• Banana: Looks like a dick 10/10

• Coffee: Smells so good, tastes like heartbreak. Coffee is a LIE. An 'acquired taste' they say. Acquire my dismissal. 0/10.

• Cupcake(s): I ate four in as many minutes and I thought my heart was going to come out of my nose. I threw up and then I ate a fifth. 10/10 Cupcakes are great.

• Gelato: Someone from the land of Italy recommended this, and I got to say, good job. I ate it way too quickly and I thought I was going to die again, but then the pain went away and there was only sweetness. It reminded me a lot of every romantic crush I've ever had.

• Gnocchi: Texture-wise, not great; it's like eating tiny little turds with tomato sauce. But then I enjoyed myself? I don't know; I think I need to look further within to figure this one out. 6/10.

• Huevos Rancheros: Eggs + spicy things! Amazing. Apparently this is a breakfast food but I think we all know that this is a drunk food. 8/10

• Kale: You kale people are fucked up, 0/10.

• Meatball: Inclined to give this a 10/10 because of the 'ball' part but I found myself dreaming of its simple meaty qualities a few hours after I had one for the first time. If you'd only had lab-grown meat your whole life, the real deal is insanely good. I can 100% see the appeal of murdering cute animals. 10/10

• Pizza: Bury my ass in a field of pizza or however you make it IDC. 11/10 I would die for pizza

• Waffles Overrated. The syrup is gross and gets everywhere and soggy bread reminds me of grandmothers. 2/10, fight me.