nyx ulric (galahdan) wrote in valloic, @ 2020-08-07 16:29:00 |
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And as they got into the loft he was very glad for his choice. If for the quiet and privacy of it if nothing else.
He made his way to the little island that separated the kitchen area from living and sat down onto a stool. Despite best efforts there was a slight wince as he pulled off the sling he'd been given and stretched out his arm a little before settling it on the countertop.
"You okay?" he asked as he looked over at Bucky. Full out knowing that okay was a pretty fucking relative term right then after everything. But it felt like he'd barely had a chance to check in in the aftermath of everything.
Bucky’s head...was sort of a mess. He was dealing with the new memories that merging with the Winter Soldier had given him, as well as freshly feeling that brainwashing that made the Winter Soldier who he was. If someone who knew the Winter Soldier commands snapped one at him now, he wasn’t sure if he would fall in line like a good soldier or not. And that was messing with him big time.
But there was the deprogramming that Shuri had done, all the good memories from after he broke his programming, all the new memories of Vallo…they all countered the Winter Soldier stuff. Enough that he wasn’t a mindless killing machine, but he wasn’t quite who he was before the merge either.
“Okay is...asking for a lot right now,” Bucky laughed mirthlessly. “I’m here? Present in this moment and that’s all I’m asking for, right now, considering.” He knew he was being a downer, but he didn’t know what else to say. It was all just a lot.
He sat down next to Nyx on his own stool, running a hand over his face and sighing. “I’m sorry, that you got caught up like this,” Bucky said, gesturing toward Nyx’s latest wound. “I know it could have gone worse, but this isn’t the greatest outcome either.” The best case scenario would have been that no one on his side of this fight would have gotten injured. Especially Nyx, who he realized he was starting to maybe fall for.
It wasn't exactly something Nyx could entirely empathize with. He could still - vividly - remember what it felt like to wield the power of the old Kings, still woke up sometimes in cold sweats with the feeling of it all rushing through his very blood, the way it felt like something else still existed in him, something he wasn't really sure if he liked. But he had chosen that. It had been the means to an end he had signed up for. Bucky hadn't been given that luxury - something that more than didn't sit right with Nyx. No one should have to have their own free will taken away like that.
He turned to face Bucky, his knee falling lightly against Bucky's. "I know you are," he said. "Even if I maintain you don't have to be," was added with a small smile, though it was a bit short of usual - tired and worried. But Nyx got that at least. The guilt of things that had happened, things that had went wrong. Things that everyone else would swear up and down were not your fault but the guilt still remained.
That particular possibility was nightmare inducing, but thankfully, not the reality.
“Want me to stay over so I can play nursemaid? Or do you need space?”
He had meant it, when he'd told Bucky he'd have his back however he wanted this to go down. Hell, Nyx would have done it himself if that had been asked. But somehow the way things did end up happening seemed for the better.
"Yeah, you gonna dress up too?" he asked, an attempt to throw some levity into the conversation but it was much like the earlier smile. Just a little short of the mark. His hand fell to Bucky's knee against his own, fingers light against the side. "But yeah I want you to stay." Just how much he meant that statement was a bit of a surprise, even to himself. But then that had been creeping up more and more, and for reasons far beyond just his usual reasons for wanting someone to hang around.
Smirking, he shook his head to clear it of the more depressing thoughts and latch onto the lightness that Nyx was trying to take the conversation toward. “You want me to dress up? I haven’t shaved my legs in forever.”
Still though, he made a small show of wrinkling his nose. "Soft," he repeated with a mock disdain.
"It's okay you don't know, Bucky," he assured. "It's okay if you never do entirely." Life was hard. History was hard. It didn't always go into neat little boxes and sometimes there wasn't that magical day when suddenly it was all okay. He'd never begrudge Bucky his mess. Especially with everything that he had gone through.
Nyx turned his hand a little so he could lace his fingers through Bucky's. "Still walking is a very good thing," he said, a slight upturn of the corners of his mouth. Some days that was really all you could ask for - still being there at the end of it.
"Please tell me that by in forever you mean it has happened at least once," he said with a soft laugh.
The smile widened, when he recalled something. “Did I ever tell you about the time that Steve suggested we dress up as women to sneak across enemy lines back in the war? Because I had to shave my legs then and let me tell you, I almost broke that razor...”