ππ’π¦πππ πππ ππππ£π₯ (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dotdotdot) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} valloic,@ 2020-08-02 19:15:00 |
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Squall Leonhart
Bev Marsh
WHERE Bev's Room β’
WHEN After Bev's birthday party (backdated as heck) β’
WHAT Teens being teens β’
STATUS Complete β’
WARNINGS Awkward teens making out, also weed
That's one of those...normal teenage activities, right?
The party had been slightly uncomfortable, even though it was fairly low key. He'd never been great at this kind of social stuff. He understood why people liked it, and he had enjoyed parts of it, but he was never the most outgoing of his social circle. Even Seifer was better than him, and that was probably saying a lot. Still, it was Bev's birthday and she was his friend so he was making an effort.
It had helped that he knew people. The Losers and Zuko - who still bowed and called him commander more than he would have liked but who was nice enough and didn't expect him to talk more than he wanted to. And Bev had liked her present, which gave him a feeling of accomplishment.
He'd stayed to help clean up, which felt like the right thing to do. The Losers had put so much work into this, someone should help them with the aftermath. Plus it meant that he could talk to Bev more, something he hadn't entirely managed at the party itself.
Once everything was taken care of, he walked Bev up to her room, giving her a small almost-smile. "I'm glad you like the sword," he said.
Bev had mostly assumed something was going down, while it wasn't outside of the realm of possibility that Adam asked her to help out at The Barns on her birthday of all days, it had felt somewhat suspicious. However what she had figured she'd come home to was nothing near the party that had awaited her. It was a lot. In a good way. In a please don't cry in public because holy shit that's a lot of people you actually like and like you too and god this is so much better than Derry ever would have been way. Between that and Mike showing up it had been one hell of a birthday.
As the crowd thinned she helped with the clean up, really it was the least she could do, and had some food and water on Eddie's insistence. By the time she and Squall headed up to her room though she was glad for the quiet.
She'd picked away at bringing a few things up as they cleaned, but had the sword Squall gave in her hand as they walked into the room. "This is seriously so cool," she said again as she set it gingerly on the dresser. "You're going to teach me, right?" she asked as she turned to look at Squall.
"Of course." There was no question. Bev was Squall's friend, so obviously he would help her out with learning to use her new sword. He wouldn't have gotten her a weapon if he hadn't intended on teaching her to use it properly. That was just irresponsible. And went against everything drilled into his head since he was a kid. You don't carry a weapon if you can't use it. "I'm really glad you liked it. I wasn't sure...but I thought..." He trailed off. "I'm glad."
He hesitated. "It's going to be a lot of hard work," he said, "and I'm not going to go easy on you. I'm pretty sure you would get mad at me if I did. But I think you'll be great." Because Bev was a lot like the sword he'd had Brigitte make. Pretty but strong and dangerous. It left him feeling confused. He'd always been confused when it came to girls - usually because they went on and on about feelings that didn't make sense to him - but this was different.
He glanced over at her. "Did you enjoy your party?" he said. "That's one of those...normal teenage activities, right? Birthday parties and all that?"
"I don't mind hard work," she assured him. Especially if the payoff was knowing another way to protect her friends. She'd put in any amount of work for that.
"Yeah, it was great," Bev answered as she set about putting the Hozier record Stan had given her onto the turntable in her room. It was still the little things that got her sometimes. A room that actually had just that - room. Space. Enough to have a desk, a stereo, the giant bed and walk-in closet. Her own damn bathroom. Privacy and quiet her dad had never granted her. Freedom to put on a record at one in the morning and not wonder what it would set off.
She moved to the window by the bed and cracked it open before she pulled off her hoodie and tossed it in the vague vicinity of the laundry basket. She smelled lightly of the fire but she didn't mind, it was a good smell. She grabbed a small wooden box from the nightstand and sat crossed legged on the bed.
"Normal teenage activities," she confirmed with a smile at Squall. "Though usually ours were far less elaborate. Back home it was just us." Seven was still a good number of course, but nowhere near the amount of people that had piled into the backyard that night.
Bev opened the box and took out a joint, one prerolled in the ridiculous pink papers she and Stan had found. "When's yours? We'll have to do something."
"Good," Squall said. "I figured you wouldn't, but it's still something that has to be said." He remembered too many trainees who had expected to be good immediately. It didn't work like that. He'd been training for a decade and a half and sometimes he still struggled.
He didn't pay too much attention as she put on the record, other than to note that he didn't mind it. He was still figuring out things he liked. Music was good, but he still wasn't sure what his tastes were. Still, this was nice. Instead, he studied the room. There was space, more certainly than he'd ever had. Between the orphanage with all the children sharing space, and Balamb with its utilitarian rooms. Single bed. Desk. Weapons storage. Yeah, he'd never really had anything like this. Sharing their old home with Seifer was nice though, with more space now that there weren't seven children and Matron. Nice, but a little lonely.
He looked away as Bev stripped off her hoodie, more out of habit than anything. It wasn't like there was anything untoward about it and she had something on under it, but it still felt polite not to look. The faint smell of fire reminded him of things. Fights. It wasn't a bad memory, necessarily, but he didn't dwell on it.
Bev seemed to want him to stick around, or at least didn't seem to mind his company, so he shed his jacket and set it on chair by her desk before crossing over to sit down next to her. "I'm starting to get the hang of these teenage activities," he acknowledged. "Selphie would have loved your party. She always loved things like that. She would run us in circles trying to plan things. Irvine never took much convincing...she always had him wrapped around her finger. Zell was enthusiastic too. Even Quistis enjoyed them. And Rinoa..." He trailed off. "They all enjoyed things like this. I just...I was never as good at it."
He considered her question. It had been so long since he'd really thought about it. Since it had been important. There were always bigger concerns, after all. "August," he said. "August 23." He almost told her not to bother. That it didn't matter. But in the end he just shrugged. "I'll leave it in your capable hands."
She definitely didn't mind Squall's company. She never did. It was nice - calmer than she was used to with the chaos that was the losers. Not that she didn't like the chaos either, but the easy quiet with Squall was something she'd come to really enjoy. For a few reasons, some of which she mostly tried not to think about.
Bev lit the joint as Squall talked about his friends, took a drag, held and exhaled. She smiled at the mention of his friends, the little glimpse into his life back home. Something he didn't do often but she always liked when he did. She held the joint out in offer to Squall. "Would you want them to show up one day?" she asked. Everyone was different after all. They had been longing for Mike, she didn't want to assume it was the same for Squall.
"August 23," she repeated, to commit to memory. "So I've got just over two months to plan you the most epic rage," she added, though there was a lightness to the words that said she was anything but serious. She wouldn't dream of throwing Squall the kind of people heavy party she'd had.
That was a difficult question. The obvious answer, the one anyone would expect, was that of course Squall would want his friends around. And the truth of it was he did miss them. They had been there for him when things were rough and they were important to him. But it wasn't quite so simple as that. And, he felt, Bev might actually understand better than most people. Not because her own friends weren't great or because she didn't want them around, but because she seemed to understand him better than most people.
"They...had a lot of expectations," he said with a shrug. "Everyone had expectations. And it wasn't the same as other people's. They didn't need me to be some hero for them. They didn't need me to save everything. But...I wasn't ever...I wasn't outgoing enough or open enough or...enough. Selphie wanted me to cheer up and open up. And Zell wanted me to not be so...and Quistis...I honestly don't know what she wanted half the time. And Rinoa...she wanted me to be her knight in shining armor and fall in love with her...and it was all...a lot. It's been nice to have a break from expectations. I miss them but...I wouldn't want to have to go back to not being what they want...if that makes sense."
He took the joint from her, eyeing it for a moment. He'd never done this before, but no better time than just after admitting he didn't really want his friends around. Bringing it up to his mouth, he inhaled and then almost immediately began to cough. "Sorry," he said. "I think I did that wrong." He laughed, briefly and quietly but there. "Uh...yeah. An...epic rage. That's definitely my thing." He knew she was joking so it didn't bother him the way someone else it might if someone else had suggested it.
She laughed when Squall started coughing, though there was nothing malicious about it. "Wow, he laughs," she teased lightly. Easier to do that than to have to think too much on how nice it was when he did. "Everyone coughs at first, trust me you're doing it right," she added.
She took the joint back from him and took another hit. She got quiet for a moment, tapped the end of the joint against the side of the ashtray in the box.
It was weird sometimes. To think about the life Squall had left behind. What had been put on him. The fact his friends, the people who should have had his back, played into it was a hard pill to swallow.
"For what it's worth I think they're wrong. You're enough. Just, you know, like this." After all there was nothing wrong with Squall. Nothing that required the expectation of something more because he was just that - enough. Bev shrugged a little and glanced up at him. "I'm sorry they didn't see that."
Squall shrugged, ducking his head. He knew Bev wasn't making fun of him, which made it easier to accept the gentle teasing. He hadn't always been able to deal with that from other people, because there'd been an undercurrent that there was something wrong with him. Something he needed to fix to make everyone else happy. Bev never made him feel that way.
"I do," he said. "Sometimes. Not a lot...but every now and then." He took the joint back after she had taken another hit and gave it another go. This time went better and he felt less embarrassed.
Nobody had ever told him that before Vallo. That he was fine the way he was. That he was enough and he didn't need to change. And now he had Nyx, who was like family and who made him feel like someone cared what happened to him. And Seifer who had always been complicated but who understood the mess of his life and the expectations there better than anyone and who helped him remember that he was allowed to be selfish. And Eddie, who...well, honestly, Eddie had mostly told him he needed therapy. Which was true.
And Bev. Who thought he was enough, and who brought him burgers when he was having a shitty day. Who he could actually talk to and open up to about his past and his life and his feelings. And who - when he had to pick out a sword - made him want to find something not just badass, but pretty too. Because that was Bev.
"I-" He wasn't sure what to say, so he didn't say anything. He just leaned forward to kiss Bev, realizing even as he did so that probably for the first time, he was kissing someone because he wanted to.
It had been - a while - since Bev had last kissed someone. And really, for all that the girls back home had called her a slut the amount of boys Bev had even kissed was one hand with fingers left over. Derry hadn't exactly been overflowing with people she even wanted to spend time with, let alone kiss. At least outside of the friends that had very quickly become the family she'd needed - and that wasn't something Bev had wanted to fuck with. But Vallo was different. There were people who were nice. Who treated her like a human being and not some trash from the wrong side of town. People who were stupidly good looking on top of all of that and for the first time in a long time Bev had actually found herself wanting. And she'd be a liar to say she didn't look at Squall and feel just that.
Even still, it took half a second to catch up to the situation. To realize that Squall was kissing her. And maybe if she was stone cold sober she might have pulled back, got lost in the constant running commentary of anxieties and hang ups that she had regarding most of this stuff. But as it was she still had just enough of a buzz still from the evening to quiet all that. Not enough to impair her judgment, but just enough to just let go. To kiss Squall back as she leaned forward into it, a hand coming to curl fingers around the front of his shirt.
Squall had only ever kissed Rinoa, and his feelings where that was concerned were beyond complicated. His time with Hydaelyn had helped him to understand that his feelings for her, or what he had thought were his feelings, were the product of the Sorceress-Knight bond that had existed between them rather than anything real. As much as Rinoa hadn't intentionally manipulated him, she had still made him feel things that weren't real. He didn't blame her for it. Not really. She had been confused and scared and needed someone to protect her and care for her. She hadn't known what she was doing. But it still made it hard to look back on their relationship - such that it was - with anything close to positive feelings. There were just too many complicated feelings and too much hurt there. Rinoa was nice enough, but he never could have cared for her that way without the bond. She'd never wanted him, after all, so much as an idealized version of him that only existed in her head.
It was different with Bev. They'd become friends here and she had always just accepted him. She'd never wanted him to be anything other than he was. And she'd never pretended to be anything other than herself. There were no game. There was no secondary meaning to the things she said or did. It wasn't some puzzle he had to solve. She was just a good friend. Someone who cared about him the way he was. And somewhere along the way, he'd started to see her differently. To notice things he usually didn't. Hence the kiss.
Bev didn't seem to be opposed, quite the opposite, actually, so he kept kissing her. He wasn't entirely sure what to do with his hands - especially considering he was still holding a lit joint - but he managed to flail his way into depositing the joint in the ashtray before settling his hands on Bev's waist. That was probably fine. He trusted her to tell him if it wasn't, in any case.
She laughed a little against his lips as he managed to get the joint into the ashtray. Probably for the best, Eddie would kill her if she managed to start a fire in her room.
The last time she had done this had been - awful. Some dumb party she to this day still wasn't even sure why she went. Some weak moment she supposed of wanting to be like everyone else. With dumb normal worries that had nothing to do with killer clowns.
This was better. So much better. All that cliche butterflies in the pit of her stomach, every inch of her body suddenly so aware stuff she had written off for so long.
Bev shifted forward, curled her other hand behind Squall's neck which seemed as good a place as any. Still though it didn't feel quite close enough. She moved to uncross her legs to be able to get in closer, but only managed to smack her knee against Squall's. "Shitβ¦" she muttered under her breath as she pulled back a bit. "Sorry."
If nothing else, Squall could have used magic if they had somehow managed to start a fire. He didn't have a lot, but he did have ice by virtue of Shiva. That would probably help if they did set something on fire.
He and Rinoa had never done much. Just kissed. Things had been chaste. Because he was her Knight and that had meant protecting her. They'd never had a chance to really be together. And he was glad for that because the thought of it now made his stomach drop in an unpleasant way. Still, it meant that this was somewhat uncharted territory for him and he wasn't really sure what he was supposed to do. Garden had never bothered to really explain these things and while he'd heard things from the other students, he'd never actually cared all that much.
Still, it was good. Or he was pretty sure it was good. His heart was beating faster and his stomach felt strange but good. He liked having Bev close, having her mouth on his and her hands on him. He wanted to keep doing this.
He laughed as she apologized, not mocking or even really teasing. Just enjoying himself. "It's okay," he said, flushing slightly as he looked at her. Both of them were a little out of their element here and that reassured him.He carefully pulled her closer so that she was on top of him, since it seemed like both of them wanted to be closer. He was pretty sure she would prefer that to any alternative. And anyway, they had time to figure this out.
It had helped that he knew people. The Losers and Zuko - who still bowed and called him commander more than he would have liked but who was nice enough and didn't expect him to talk more than he wanted to. And Bev had liked her present, which gave him a feeling of accomplishment.
He'd stayed to help clean up, which felt like the right thing to do. The Losers had put so much work into this, someone should help them with the aftermath. Plus it meant that he could talk to Bev more, something he hadn't entirely managed at the party itself.
Once everything was taken care of, he walked Bev up to her room, giving her a small almost-smile. "I'm glad you like the sword," he said.
Bev had mostly assumed something was going down, while it wasn't outside of the realm of possibility that Adam asked her to help out at The Barns on her birthday of all days, it had felt somewhat suspicious. However what she had figured she'd come home to was nothing near the party that had awaited her. It was a lot. In a good way. In a please don't cry in public because holy shit that's a lot of people you actually like and like you too and god this is so much better than Derry ever would have been way. Between that and Mike showing up it had been one hell of a birthday.
As the crowd thinned she helped with the clean up, really it was the least she could do, and had some food and water on Eddie's insistence. By the time she and Squall headed up to her room though she was glad for the quiet.
She'd picked away at bringing a few things up as they cleaned, but had the sword Squall gave in her hand as they walked into the room. "This is seriously so cool," she said again as she set it gingerly on the dresser. "You're going to teach me, right?" she asked as she turned to look at Squall.
"Of course." There was no question. Bev was Squall's friend, so obviously he would help her out with learning to use her new sword. He wouldn't have gotten her a weapon if he hadn't intended on teaching her to use it properly. That was just irresponsible. And went against everything drilled into his head since he was a kid. You don't carry a weapon if you can't use it. "I'm really glad you liked it. I wasn't sure...but I thought..." He trailed off. "I'm glad."
He hesitated. "It's going to be a lot of hard work," he said, "and I'm not going to go easy on you. I'm pretty sure you would get mad at me if I did. But I think you'll be great." Because Bev was a lot like the sword he'd had Brigitte make. Pretty but strong and dangerous. It left him feeling confused. He'd always been confused when it came to girls - usually because they went on and on about feelings that didn't make sense to him - but this was different.
He glanced over at her. "Did you enjoy your party?" he said. "That's one of those...normal teenage activities, right? Birthday parties and all that?"
"I don't mind hard work," she assured him. Especially if the payoff was knowing another way to protect her friends. She'd put in any amount of work for that.
"Yeah, it was great," Bev answered as she set about putting the Hozier record Stan had given her onto the turntable in her room. It was still the little things that got her sometimes. A room that actually had just that - room. Space. Enough to have a desk, a stereo, the giant bed and walk-in closet. Her own damn bathroom. Privacy and quiet her dad had never granted her. Freedom to put on a record at one in the morning and not wonder what it would set off.
She moved to the window by the bed and cracked it open before she pulled off her hoodie and tossed it in the vague vicinity of the laundry basket. She smelled lightly of the fire but she didn't mind, it was a good smell. She grabbed a small wooden box from the nightstand and sat crossed legged on the bed.
"Normal teenage activities," she confirmed with a smile at Squall. "Though usually ours were far less elaborate. Back home it was just us." Seven was still a good number of course, but nowhere near the amount of people that had piled into the backyard that night.
Bev opened the box and took out a joint, one prerolled in the ridiculous pink papers she and Stan had found. "When's yours? We'll have to do something."
"Good," Squall said. "I figured you wouldn't, but it's still something that has to be said." He remembered too many trainees who had expected to be good immediately. It didn't work like that. He'd been training for a decade and a half and sometimes he still struggled.
He didn't pay too much attention as she put on the record, other than to note that he didn't mind it. He was still figuring out things he liked. Music was good, but he still wasn't sure what his tastes were. Still, this was nice. Instead, he studied the room. There was space, more certainly than he'd ever had. Between the orphanage with all the children sharing space, and Balamb with its utilitarian rooms. Single bed. Desk. Weapons storage. Yeah, he'd never really had anything like this. Sharing their old home with Seifer was nice though, with more space now that there weren't seven children and Matron. Nice, but a little lonely.
He looked away as Bev stripped off her hoodie, more out of habit than anything. It wasn't like there was anything untoward about it and she had something on under it, but it still felt polite not to look. The faint smell of fire reminded him of things. Fights. It wasn't a bad memory, necessarily, but he didn't dwell on it.
Bev seemed to want him to stick around, or at least didn't seem to mind his company, so he shed his jacket and set it on chair by her desk before crossing over to sit down next to her. "I'm starting to get the hang of these teenage activities," he acknowledged. "Selphie would have loved your party. She always loved things like that. She would run us in circles trying to plan things. Irvine never took much convincing...she always had him wrapped around her finger. Zell was enthusiastic too. Even Quistis enjoyed them. And Rinoa..." He trailed off. "They all enjoyed things like this. I just...I was never as good at it."
He considered her question. It had been so long since he'd really thought about it. Since it had been important. There were always bigger concerns, after all. "August," he said. "August 23." He almost told her not to bother. That it didn't matter. But in the end he just shrugged. "I'll leave it in your capable hands."
She definitely didn't mind Squall's company. She never did. It was nice - calmer than she was used to with the chaos that was the losers. Not that she didn't like the chaos either, but the easy quiet with Squall was something she'd come to really enjoy. For a few reasons, some of which she mostly tried not to think about.
Bev lit the joint as Squall talked about his friends, took a drag, held and exhaled. She smiled at the mention of his friends, the little glimpse into his life back home. Something he didn't do often but she always liked when he did. She held the joint out in offer to Squall. "Would you want them to show up one day?" she asked. Everyone was different after all. They had been longing for Mike, she didn't want to assume it was the same for Squall.
"August 23," she repeated, to commit to memory. "So I've got just over two months to plan you the most epic rage," she added, though there was a lightness to the words that said she was anything but serious. She wouldn't dream of throwing Squall the kind of people heavy party she'd had.
That was a difficult question. The obvious answer, the one anyone would expect, was that of course Squall would want his friends around. And the truth of it was he did miss them. They had been there for him when things were rough and they were important to him. But it wasn't quite so simple as that. And, he felt, Bev might actually understand better than most people. Not because her own friends weren't great or because she didn't want them around, but because she seemed to understand him better than most people.
"They...had a lot of expectations," he said with a shrug. "Everyone had expectations. And it wasn't the same as other people's. They didn't need me to be some hero for them. They didn't need me to save everything. But...I wasn't ever...I wasn't outgoing enough or open enough or...enough. Selphie wanted me to cheer up and open up. And Zell wanted me to not be so...and Quistis...I honestly don't know what she wanted half the time. And Rinoa...she wanted me to be her knight in shining armor and fall in love with her...and it was all...a lot. It's been nice to have a break from expectations. I miss them but...I wouldn't want to have to go back to not being what they want...if that makes sense."
He took the joint from her, eyeing it for a moment. He'd never done this before, but no better time than just after admitting he didn't really want his friends around. Bringing it up to his mouth, he inhaled and then almost immediately began to cough. "Sorry," he said. "I think I did that wrong." He laughed, briefly and quietly but there. "Uh...yeah. An...epic rage. That's definitely my thing." He knew she was joking so it didn't bother him the way someone else it might if someone else had suggested it.
She laughed when Squall started coughing, though there was nothing malicious about it. "Wow, he laughs," she teased lightly. Easier to do that than to have to think too much on how nice it was when he did. "Everyone coughs at first, trust me you're doing it right," she added.
She took the joint back from him and took another hit. She got quiet for a moment, tapped the end of the joint against the side of the ashtray in the box.
It was weird sometimes. To think about the life Squall had left behind. What had been put on him. The fact his friends, the people who should have had his back, played into it was a hard pill to swallow.
"For what it's worth I think they're wrong. You're enough. Just, you know, like this." After all there was nothing wrong with Squall. Nothing that required the expectation of something more because he was just that - enough. Bev shrugged a little and glanced up at him. "I'm sorry they didn't see that."
Squall shrugged, ducking his head. He knew Bev wasn't making fun of him, which made it easier to accept the gentle teasing. He hadn't always been able to deal with that from other people, because there'd been an undercurrent that there was something wrong with him. Something he needed to fix to make everyone else happy. Bev never made him feel that way.
"I do," he said. "Sometimes. Not a lot...but every now and then." He took the joint back after she had taken another hit and gave it another go. This time went better and he felt less embarrassed.
Nobody had ever told him that before Vallo. That he was fine the way he was. That he was enough and he didn't need to change. And now he had Nyx, who was like family and who made him feel like someone cared what happened to him. And Seifer who had always been complicated but who understood the mess of his life and the expectations there better than anyone and who helped him remember that he was allowed to be selfish. And Eddie, who...well, honestly, Eddie had mostly told him he needed therapy. Which was true.
And Bev. Who thought he was enough, and who brought him burgers when he was having a shitty day. Who he could actually talk to and open up to about his past and his life and his feelings. And who - when he had to pick out a sword - made him want to find something not just badass, but pretty too. Because that was Bev.
"I-" He wasn't sure what to say, so he didn't say anything. He just leaned forward to kiss Bev, realizing even as he did so that probably for the first time, he was kissing someone because he wanted to.
It had been - a while - since Bev had last kissed someone. And really, for all that the girls back home had called her a slut the amount of boys Bev had even kissed was one hand with fingers left over. Derry hadn't exactly been overflowing with people she even wanted to spend time with, let alone kiss. At least outside of the friends that had very quickly become the family she'd needed - and that wasn't something Bev had wanted to fuck with. But Vallo was different. There were people who were nice. Who treated her like a human being and not some trash from the wrong side of town. People who were stupidly good looking on top of all of that and for the first time in a long time Bev had actually found herself wanting. And she'd be a liar to say she didn't look at Squall and feel just that.
Even still, it took half a second to catch up to the situation. To realize that Squall was kissing her. And maybe if she was stone cold sober she might have pulled back, got lost in the constant running commentary of anxieties and hang ups that she had regarding most of this stuff. But as it was she still had just enough of a buzz still from the evening to quiet all that. Not enough to impair her judgment, but just enough to just let go. To kiss Squall back as she leaned forward into it, a hand coming to curl fingers around the front of his shirt.
Squall had only ever kissed Rinoa, and his feelings where that was concerned were beyond complicated. His time with Hydaelyn had helped him to understand that his feelings for her, or what he had thought were his feelings, were the product of the Sorceress-Knight bond that had existed between them rather than anything real. As much as Rinoa hadn't intentionally manipulated him, she had still made him feel things that weren't real. He didn't blame her for it. Not really. She had been confused and scared and needed someone to protect her and care for her. She hadn't known what she was doing. But it still made it hard to look back on their relationship - such that it was - with anything close to positive feelings. There were just too many complicated feelings and too much hurt there. Rinoa was nice enough, but he never could have cared for her that way without the bond. She'd never wanted him, after all, so much as an idealized version of him that only existed in her head.
It was different with Bev. They'd become friends here and she had always just accepted him. She'd never wanted him to be anything other than he was. And she'd never pretended to be anything other than herself. There were no game. There was no secondary meaning to the things she said or did. It wasn't some puzzle he had to solve. She was just a good friend. Someone who cared about him the way he was. And somewhere along the way, he'd started to see her differently. To notice things he usually didn't. Hence the kiss.
Bev didn't seem to be opposed, quite the opposite, actually, so he kept kissing her. He wasn't entirely sure what to do with his hands - especially considering he was still holding a lit joint - but he managed to flail his way into depositing the joint in the ashtray before settling his hands on Bev's waist. That was probably fine. He trusted her to tell him if it wasn't, in any case.
She laughed a little against his lips as he managed to get the joint into the ashtray. Probably for the best, Eddie would kill her if she managed to start a fire in her room.
The last time she had done this had been - awful. Some dumb party she to this day still wasn't even sure why she went. Some weak moment she supposed of wanting to be like everyone else. With dumb normal worries that had nothing to do with killer clowns.
This was better. So much better. All that cliche butterflies in the pit of her stomach, every inch of her body suddenly so aware stuff she had written off for so long.
Bev shifted forward, curled her other hand behind Squall's neck which seemed as good a place as any. Still though it didn't feel quite close enough. She moved to uncross her legs to be able to get in closer, but only managed to smack her knee against Squall's. "Shitβ¦" she muttered under her breath as she pulled back a bit. "Sorry."
If nothing else, Squall could have used magic if they had somehow managed to start a fire. He didn't have a lot, but he did have ice by virtue of Shiva. That would probably help if they did set something on fire.
He and Rinoa had never done much. Just kissed. Things had been chaste. Because he was her Knight and that had meant protecting her. They'd never had a chance to really be together. And he was glad for that because the thought of it now made his stomach drop in an unpleasant way. Still, it meant that this was somewhat uncharted territory for him and he wasn't really sure what he was supposed to do. Garden had never bothered to really explain these things and while he'd heard things from the other students, he'd never actually cared all that much.
Still, it was good. Or he was pretty sure it was good. His heart was beating faster and his stomach felt strange but good. He liked having Bev close, having her mouth on his and her hands on him. He wanted to keep doing this.
He laughed as she apologized, not mocking or even really teasing. Just enjoying himself. "It's okay," he said, flushing slightly as he looked at her. Both of them were a little out of their element here and that reassured him.He carefully pulled her closer so that she was on top of him, since it seemed like both of them wanted to be closer. He was pretty sure she would prefer that to any alternative. And anyway, they had time to figure this out.