InsaneJournal

Since returning home from motherfucking space it had become routine for Eli to do yoga more at home rather than at the gym. Half of that reason came from the fact that Del had started to do the yoga with him, and he was a sucker for anything that allowed him to get shirtless and flirt at the same time, without any pressure.

It also gave him the opportunity to put his hands on Del, to help with poses and teach things, so that was a nice bonus.

“You can just stay in downward dog, you don’t have to try this one.” He knew even as he was saying it that a challenge was now issued, and had no doubt Del would be attempting a stabilized handstand in the middle of their living room.

That thought didn’t stop Eli from effortlessly lifting his legs off of the ground and pushing them into the air, feet together. His forearms stayed braced on the ground, and the muscles in his arms flexed as he held steady. For now. He was good at this, having practiced yoga for years now, but both Del and Cayden had a way about disarming him at a rapid rate.

Del did not understand yoga, conceptually. He knew that there was meditation involved, and strength training, and flexibility, and breath control. But the way that one went about doing it seemed needlessly complicated. Too fancy. He did like the pants though. And he liked how much Eli devoted to it to better his body and his mind. Enough so that Del was willing to try, more than once, to master the skill. It kept him from mentally circling around the whole event of being in space, and that for once he experienced something he didn't remember.

He was, currently, in downward dog, after having his hips adjusted, hearing joints crack that he hadn't known existed. The only problem with this position was that he was looking at the ground or his knees or his feet. And with Eli so close to him, shirtless—just like Del had started to be around him and Cayden and was now—this felt unfair. He turned his face to watch him hoist his body into a handstand.

Normally, Del would attempt to do the same thing, but instead he fell out of his meticulously situated yoga pose to shamelessly watch Eli display himself in a feat of strength. The deep, immediate urge to touch him was overwhelming, and Del sat on his yoga mat, legs crossed, shoving his hands under his thighs so that he wouldn't.

Staring at Eli though was probably not helping his concentration either. "Does it really help?" Del asked, his head tilted curiously to the side. He started to lean in, intrigued. "Is it because all the blood is rushing to your head while being upside down, so you can't think about other things?" And then as one of Eli's muscles flexed to hold himself steady, Del let out a breathy, "You are very good at this."

“Hm?” It didn’t sound like a hum exactly, when Eli was upside down like this. Instead, it was more of a questioning gurgle. He had to concentrate, and steady himself, and then talk, as if he was rehearsing for singing through a musical number again. “Trust me, the blood can still go to other places.”

Okay so that thought process wasn’t going to do him any favors, and Eli had to look down at the floor and away from Del’s stupidly pretty face. “I took it up when I got cast in Newsies, my stamina had to be peak for that one, it’s mostly dancing. And singing when dancing. If I can sing like this, I can sing doing anything.”

Eli tilted his head up to look at that stupidly pretty face again, but this time he winked. An upside down wink, but a wink nonetheless. “And it’s helped me in other aspects of my life too, so I kept it up.” His arms were straining, and one leg faltered slightly, but Eli held it. For now. That wasn’t going to last long if Del flirted back to any measure of what he’d done on the space ship.

Now this was the challenge. Sure, Del could try and put himself in a handstand beside Eli, could probably hold it too and feel that exhilarating free-fall motion like he was diving in the sky. But instead he wanted to see how long Eli could hold it with Del being, well, himself. He inched closer, close enough that if Eli did fall, there was no way that Del would not get an elbow into some part of his body on the landing. He leaned further in, like he was trying to kiss Eli upside down, but he didn't get close enough.

"Other aspects," Del repeated. That he understood, explicitly. Between the drawer, the flirting, and the fact that Eli had spent time teaching him and Cayden about the color system, Del could put the two together. Part of him wondered if he should be doing more yoga for other aspects, or if he was going to let them down somehow when they got further than their heated touching.

"You can do anything though, I've seen it in you. The potential, your drive," Del said, his hand escaping from under his leg and laying firmly on Eli's ribs. Del knew he didn't need help, but Del wanted to be there all the same. "I don't think yoga was the reason you followed people into space to save me. Maybe it was. But I think that was just you."

Oh, shit. The hand was enough to make Eli shudder, and then his entire body started shaking with the core strength he was determined to hold in this handstand. But it was becoming more increasingly difficult with Del getting into his personal space, and the help offered to him was just heating Eli’s skin to something unbearable, while he wanted more at the same time.

“Spirits, when the fuck did you become such a menace?” Eli had to grit out the words, but there was no anger or annoyance, just defeat. He was defeated. Del had become a menace, and Eli was thoroughly seduced.

Seduced and falling, actually, because his arm picked that very moment to give out and Eli went tumbling forward, into Del and onto the floor. He was laughing at least, because there were worse places to land than your hot dragon boyfriend. “Somebody had to keep an eye on Cayden, who knew what he was walking into?” That somebody probably shouldn’t have been a witch with very little innate ability and an even smarter mouth, but it was Eli anyway.

"I have, unfortunately, always been a menace," Del said, practically preening with delight as he saw the way he affected Eli. He didn't want him to fail, but they were in this give-and-take that Del could hardly pull away from. Magnets, gravity, whatever he wanted to call it, Del was always finding himself drawn into Eli and Cayden's orbit. Even if, and especially when, he could be a bit of a tease right back.

He could see though when he had 'won', the way the balance shifted and moved, and Del was ready—lightning fast and eagerly pleased, catching Eli in the tumble, and quickly shifting their weight to roll. Del was hovering over Eli, pinning him to the floor, palms bracketing either side of him, in what suspiciously looked like a yoga move. Del had been paying attention, mostly.

"You are protective of him," Del said, as one of his hands lifted to rest on Eli's side again. His touch was firm but tender, mapping a long line down to his hip, and then to his thigh where the remnants of Eli's injury remained, faint as it was. Something Eli's body would carry with him, until the end. All because of him and Cayden.

It burned a spectacularly fond feeling inside of his chest, despite the initial reactions of seeing Eli hurt. Del had never taken their wounds well. He leaned in to kiss the underside of Eli's jaw, mouthing lazily along his neck. "You are protective of me too, I think." He knew. "I would do it again every time, come after either of you no matter how dangerous or strange or unfamiliar the place was." His voice was softer, less teasing and more earnest, when he asked, "Would you?"

Eli damn well knew Del was a menace and always had been. Even long before they met in this lifetime, he knew it. He’d thought for the longest time that was why he gravitated towards Del, why he wanted to shove his face on Del’s face - the menace. He’d always been into menaces.

That hadn’t explained why he was similarly into Cayden, who was the opposite in a lot of ways but no less attractive to Eli. Now, there was a little more understanding there.

Eli’s head tilted up to give Del more access, too easily. “Yeah.” He had a lump in his throat - he wasn’t sure he was ever going to adjust to Del being more forward. It was nice and it was hot and it made him want to drag Del to the nearest soft surface. He had to swallow it down, just so he could answer again, to confirm. “Yeah. I would. I don’t really get it but- fuck. Yeah. Do that again.” That being Del’s tongue on his skin.

He did do that again. It was a needy gesture, wanting and claiming like Del often did in their other lives and now here, in this one. Cayden and Eli were his, and his affection in showing that had only grown the more they knew, the more he was honest, the more he became comfortable in this body to be with them. Hearing how much they would do for him—and each other—made that dark spot in his mind swell brightly in warm pleasure.

"You don't get it?" Del asked, only mildly confused by the statement. He was currently biting a bruise into the join of Eli's neck and his hands were doing a dizzying roam of Eli's waist and he couldn't seem to latch onto that statement correctly. He didn't get why? Why he would do all those things? Del knew, it was a single point of obviousness as to why Del did them. Maybe Eli needed some clarity, maybe Del hadn't been direct enough in his feelings.

He sucked in a sharp breath, and leaned up so that he could give Eli a little bit of space. Del wanted to look him in the eye as he spoke, but his hand was tracing feather-light paths at the band of Eli's yoga pants. Del was mesmerized, his expression soft and open, as he said, "You do it for the same reason I do it. And I do it because I love you." He always had, even from the beginning. Even when Eli thought he hated him, he had always loved him.

Del repeated it, in case it still was lost in translation, and he would say it again, just like he had to Cayden too. "I love you."

Uh. Eli’s eyes went wide, and then wider. And wider still. It was honestly a miracle that they weren’t bulging out of his head at this point.

It was obvious, wasn’t it? Soulmates. That word meant love in so many ways. Cayden had all but said it like that to him, and Eli assumed they’d said it to each other, because he’d felt it from both of them when they were together. But he, in his lifetime, these 23 years, had never said those three words to anyone outside of his family. Never, in his romantic history, had he told anyone he loved them, because that would have been a lie.

It made a surge of panic rise up in his chest, the idea of something so solid and sure? Eli’s panic button was dismissive humor, and before he could stop himself, he just gave a nervous chuckle. “Uh, cool. Cool cool. Yeah. Let’s-” It was much better when they weren’t talking and Del’s mouth was on him, so Eli leaned back up to try and bring Del back into him, to put his mouth on Del’s body for a change. That was better than trying to sort out feelings right now.

Did Del miss something? Did he speak in another language? Possible, but no. No, something was so off, the shift in Eli's energy was a warning bell in the back of Del's mind. He had so many lives, and hundreds of years, to pick up on these things. He had spent nearly a year with Eli already in the fae realm and in Vallo to know when things were wrong, wrong, wrong.

He let himself be dragged down to Eli's waiting lips and eager body, because his brain was overthinking and his body was too compromising to function. He nearly let himself be lost to picking up where they had left off if only for the fact that Del had said I love you and Eli, somehow, unexpectedly, did not say it back.

"Wait," Del said softly, then louder when he found his voice again, "Wait, yellow. Red—" He needed them to stop and figure out what just happened. What he couldn't seem to recognize as a problem until it was too late. Del heaved himself out of Eli's arms and up from over him, until he was sitting back on his heels between the spread of Eli's legs. Concern and doubt was clear on Del's face, and his mouth tipped downward.

"Cool?" He repeated, wanting to make sure that what he had heard was correct. Right before his brain had gone all messy white-noise. "That's how you feel?"

Eli froze. He went completely still and his hands just went in the air, off of Del. They’d played around with colors, but it’d only stayed in the green territory thus far, with no warnings or stops and now it was like slamming on the brakes. In a short few seconds, he told his stupid brain to shut up, to just get over it, to tell this gorgeous man-dragon that he loved him.

But all that came out of his mouth was a dumb sounding “uhhhhh.” Eli was clearly not very good at this, and he was a fucking actor. “No. It’s actually- pretty warm in here, right?” That wasn’t what Del was asking and he damn well knew it, but Eli still took the opportunity to roll backwards, to put some space between them. Maybe so he could think clearly.

He landed on his knees, blissfully more than an arm’s length away so he wasn’t tempted to touch again right now. “It’s- you know. Good? It’s great! A natural stage of evolution for any relationship, right?” Did he sound like he was panicking? He was panicking.

There was a whirlwind of emotions fighting for the spotlight in his mind. Confusion, anger, hurt, more confusion. Eli was rolling away from him and that few feet felt like an ocean, a divide of a life time. This had never happened before. But then again, Eli would usually know by now. There would be no hesitancy between them because there were centuries of lives together that was proof that their love for one another was endless and all encompassing.

Now their love, the one sidedness of it all in this life time, was too much to bear. Eli definitely sounded like he was panicking. Del was torn between guilt of causing that stricken look on his face and the hurt that his love had caused it when his feelings for Eli and Cayden were the only things that kept him afloat in this mess of a life he had gotten himself into. He had shared so much with Eli, even when it felt like he was tearing off his own skin to do so, and still. And still. Eli couldn't, wouldn't, say it back.

Maybe he didn't at all. Maybe Del, without the safety of the memories, wasn't someone who could claim that love from others. It had been one of the reasons he had held back telling either of them about this, the soulmates. The pressure, the constraints of this relationship. Eli was not obligated to love him.

Del felt the pain in his palms—the only thing to pull him out of that thousand mile stare he had been giving Eli—because he had balled them so tightly at his sides. He stood abruptly because Del did not do well by sitting still. "It has never been an evolution for me, Eliphas," Del said, "I have always lo—"

Fuck, he couldn't even say it now without feeling a yawning hole was winding through his chest. He turned his face away, regained composure and tried again. "But I should have never expected you to feel the same way."

Eli heard the words, and he heard how Del changed his tone and tried to make himself sound more reasonable, less hurt. But Eli could feel it. He felt that hurt, and he felt that guilt. It seeped into every pore that Eli had just sweat open and his throat almost closed up from it.

“I-” He didn’t know what to say to make it better, outside of of course I love you, stupid, because if what they had wasn’t love, what else would it be? But he’d never said that to anyone, not like that, and somehow his brain just wouldn’t get over the possibility that maybe it was all a mistake. Maybe they were meant for each other, but Eli didn’t fit in right.

He wasn’t sure if he was ready for that kind of rejection, later down the line. Wasn’t ready to open himself up to something he’d stayed far, far away from for years now. But Eli didn’t want to hurt Del, he didn’t want to be the cause of that look that had come up on Del’s face when he’d leaned away. Maybe he could explain it, have Del understand. “It’s not you, it’s just- I don’t know. I’ve never-” Let myself fall. That sounded stupid in his head, but so did said it before, so he just cut himself off from saying it at all, and shook his head. “I don’t have all of those memories that you do. All of that time.”

Somehow, the truth of it—or at least what Eli was telling him as the truth—hurt more. Not having the memories, while a hurdle, had never prevented Del from feeling the way he did about them. Intense, all-encompassing, protective as all hell. But Eli was right, and maybe that was why the truth was so acutely agonizing like a cut against a bone: all those memories were absent and so Eli didn't love this dragon who stumbled chaoticly into his life and demanded so much of him because Eli had already taken up so much of Del's for centuries.

He squeezed his eyes shut, his own stupid, inconvenient memories threatening to dictate the conversation and he couldn't, he wouldn't. Del had already done the damage, had already laid himself out there bare, literally and figuratively, and it hadn't been enough. He couldn't demand love from Eli because he wanted it.

"You're right," Del said, his voice a little hollow, as he scrubbed roughly at his face. Now was not the time to show his impatience or frustration. The situation between all three of them continued to be complicated, and Del would only make it worse—no, was already making it worse. "You don't have those memories. That was, I shouldn't. You don't have to, you don't have to." You don't have to love me.

His pacing was taking him toward the door. He needed to go, he needed to give Eli space, because Del had been too fucking much for him again.

Eli wanted to curl into himself on the floor, but he also wanted to reach for Del, to pull him in. But red had been said and red was to be respected, especially while Del was still pulling away from him. Eli had already messed up enough by not being what he needed or wanted, and he didn’t know how to fix this.

“I’m sorry, I-” Why couldn’t he get words out. He was a wordy bitch! He did words for a living, and when it mattered most, he couldn’t choke them out. “Mesties, I- you don’t have to go. I can go. I can-” Disappear. Get out of the apartment. Leave Del his space, so he could find Cayden, and they could have each other, with words between them.

Cayden at least knew how to voice his emotions. It was a similar situation to when Eli was first told of the feelings, of Cayden only loving once (twice, technically), and Eli had just casually agreed and not allowed himself to think beyond the surface level. Because he was an idiot of the highest order. “I can go.”

"Stay," Del said, his voice razor sharp, cutting through the tension that had been building since forever. He put a hand up to stop Eli from moving toward the door or to keep him from generally coming closer to him, it was difficult to tell. Del wanted, he wanted so much. Maybe he was never allowed to have Eli in the first place. "Just stay, Eliphas."

He snatched the shirt he had discarded for yoga off the back of the couch and slid it on. The collar felt like it was choking him in the worst way, and he pulled on it hard. Del couldn't even be bothered with shoes as he opened the front door. "If I let you walk out the door instead of me, I'm afraid you won't come back. And I won't do that to Cayden. I won't let him lose you because of something I said again."

Because there had been another time, another memory, another life, where Del had fucked up their whole dynamic. Not that Eli remembered. Another reminder why Del shouldn't have pushed. Eli had loved him in other lives because of those things, despite all those things. He couldn't love him here with nothing. Right?

He was half way out the door before he added, "I just need some air, all right? I'm going for a walk."