vax'ildan đĄď¸đĄď¸đĄď¸ (vax) wrote in valloic, @ 2024-02-19 20:50:00
Log: Vax'ilmore
GILMORE & VAX
WHO Vax'ildan and Shaun Gilmore WHERE The Xhorhaus, their bedroom WHEN Backdated to a very early morning last week WHAT Vax is having a lot of worries about the portals and Velora, so he wakes up Gilmore to tell him about it. ART CREDITHere WARNINGS A little angsty and panicky on Vax's part, but ends happy!
It was late, Vax knew. Not just late, but the so late it was early type of late. It was the sort of late that he used to see frequently, but only because he and his friends tended to close down taverns in Emon or would be limping back to camp after some dumb fight in a dungeon that took all night. In Vallo, though, he had morning responsibilities like making breakfast for children, helping Velora with last minute homework, going to work that involved sitting at an office and not throwing daggers at whatever was terrorizing a farmer's cattle. Being awake atâhe rolled over to check his phone on the nightstandâ3:12AM was not conducive to any of that.
Still, Vax wasn't unused to thoughts keeping him up at night, either. His mind was primed to lean toward anxiety and too often that meant his worries and concerns had a tendency to crop up in the dead of night, when everything was quiet save for the steady breathing of his fiance at his side. Sometimes he woke up with a silly thought, one that he would wake up and bother said fiance about (usually leading to other reasons they stayed awake, but that was neither here nor there), but tonight's thoughts weren't silly. They were about portals and disappearances and his younger sister.
When the disturbances kept happening, even after everything that went down not at all long ago at the portal in the city, Vax's worry kept mounting. He'd watched as some of their household disappeared and how rescues had to be made. The people who disappeared felt seemingly random and while there hadn't been a big departure into a portal again, Vax couldn't help but assume, as he figured most people did, it was only a matter of time.
That what ifs were plentiful, as they so often were in Vax's mind. What if he was next? Would Gilmore come for him? What about Velora? What if Velora was gone? What if Vax went to one of these places and found Vex? What if they weren't so lucky next time and no one came back?
Vax could feel his breathing start to quicken, his heart doing the same. He closed his eyes, sighed, then turned onto his side.
"Shaun?"
âMmph,â came Gilmoreâs immediate response, because at 3AM he was not, in fact, Shaun Gilmore the meticulously put together, perfect catseye makeup sans dagger thank you, bone structure highlighted so well he was basically the sun, colorful robes in patterns that should clash but somehow fit together, putting words together in elegant symphonies master. He was Shaun Gilmore, mostly asleep at 3AM with his hair in every which direction on the pillow, one leg outside of the pile of blankets to achieve an impossible balance of hot and cold at the same time, his head turned at an awkward angle because it was the most comfortable at the time.
Waking up in the early morning because of Vax wasnât new (and he would never say it out loud because Shaun Gilmore definitely relished sleeping, but hearing Vaxâs random thoughts at all hours of the night was one of those bits about being a couple that he took so much unexpected delight in), but it wasnât something he had adjusted to. So it took Gilmore a moment to roll over and sleepily throw an arm over Vax in acknowledgment that heâd heard him, before blinking awake. âDarling?â
In truth, Vax really didn't feel a whole lot of guilt when he normally woke Gilmore up in the middle of the night. If it seemed to really be messing with his sleep and general wakefulness come morning, then yes, sure. He would have stopped. But Gilmore took it with stride and frankly Vax had to appreciate that he allowed him to add this to the many, many silly jokes and bits that their relationship had gathered over the years.
Tonight, though, he did feel a little tug of guilt in his chest as he looked at the sleepy face of Gilmore. He was a very lucky man.
Vax adjusted on the bed, cuddling in closer to Gilmore until he was able to press his face to a broad shoulder. "I'm sorry for waking you up," he said, because he really was this time, "but can I talk to you about something?"
âThereâs no need to be sorry,â Gilmore promised in a sleepy murmur. He pressed his lips to the top of Vaxâs head, and that movement plus Vaxâs weight was enough to rouse him into more of a conscious state. He would never apologize for just how comfortable their bed was with its mountains of soft blankets and pillows, but it did make waking up and staying awake not the easiest thing.
Still, even in his more-awake-than-asleep state Gilmore was able to recognize the different tone in Vaxâs voice. This wasnât Vax asking if Shaun would love him if he was a blue snail (yes, assuming this was something that happened to him temporarily and he could be restored to himself, if he was just a blue snail from the moment they met, that would be odd) or coming up with a dagger that could release lots of miniature crabs (most likely Gilmore could craft it, but why?). No, this was the tone Vax had when he was in his head about something, and it caused Shaun to sit up a bit and clear the rest of the fog from his head. âWhatâs wrong?â
Vax watched as Gilmore woke bit by bit, his elven heritage negating any need for light to do so. He was beautiful like this, he thought; he was always beautiful, no matter what state he happened to be in, but Vax had long since promised to himself that he would never take getting to see this Gilmore for granted. He loved Gilmore, Glorious Entrepreneur and Enchanter, but he felt very privileged to also get to see Shaun, with bed mussed hair and a crease on his cheek from the pillow.
He hadn't woken Gilmore to stare at him, though, and he forced himself back on topic. Curled on his side, Vax kept his gaze lifted. "I've been thinking about the portals and that creature and how nothing seems to be stopping. I can't stop thinking about it." At that, he lifted a hand and pressed it to his temple, as though demonstrating just how pervasive the thoughts had been. He dropped his hand, letting it bounce on the mattress.
"What will we do, Shaun? If it happens again and people disappear? What if it's me? Or you?"
âDarling,â Gilmore sat up, quick to pull Vax into an embrace. His tone was more concerned than anything, and not just about the situation in front of them. It had been some time since Vax had last gotten lost in his head and Shaun was quite honestly worried that heâd missed the signs. He wanted Vax to come to him, but he also knew that that was only half of it. The other half should have been him paying attention and noticing things and he vowed to do better at it once this current crisis had passed.
He had enough movement in his hand to make a gesture that ignited a few of the (multitude of) candles in their room, warming up the space in golden light. âI donât know,â Shaun admitted. âIâm glad we were able to watch Kiri for Caleb and Essek, I would do it again without any hesitation.â It was one of the many perks of living in the Xhorhaus, there was always an adult around for the three youngest residents, someone who could always take them to school or pick them up, someone to make dinner, someone that would be home should others want to go out. Someone to protect them when emergencies happened. And Gilmore liked it, it reminded him of his life in Marquet in a small dusty village where everyone knew everyone else and you couldnât step one foot out of line without a series of aunties and uncles to get on your case or tell your parents. Being a part of a big family was something Gilmore hadnât known he truly wanted until he had it.
âCaleb and Essek would do the same for us,â Gilmore said, with absolute confidence, he knew it, of that there was no doubt, âBut, if that isnât an option, is that what youâre asking?â The thought had occurred to him in passing, fleeting moments, as concern for what had been currently happening in front of them won out. They had Velora to worry about, and even though they werenât her parents they were both her guardians and her caregivers and were raising her. That meant that Shaun's knee jerk reaction might have been needed to be reigned in and changed, when a little girl needed them more.
Vax agreed, without a second thought, that Caleb and Essek would do the same for them. And if Caleb and Essek weren't available, it would be one of their other friends. And if fate would be so cruel as to have his friends unavailable too, then it would be someone else in the Outlander community because they all took care of each other. That was a comfort that Vax had always appreciated, especially when thinking about a situation such as this.
But the thought of Velora being left behind without either of them--it was something Vax hated even considering, but it was something that had to be considered. He knew that his younger sister was tough and resilient. She had literally seen hell at the hands of Vecna in Exandria, had left them and was brought back by the grace of a truly fucked up (sorry, Kashaw) goddess. She had spent the last nearly four years in Vallo, acclimating to a life away from Syngorn and her parents, being raised by two siblings, then two siblings and a brother-in-law, and now just Vax and Gilmore. Through all of that, she was just as strong and tenacious as ever.
Yet, that didn't mean Vax wanted her to have to go through more. She deserved stability, whatever that looked like in a place like Vallo. All Vax wanted was to give that to her.
"Yes," Vax agreed, "it won't always be an option and--and, even if it is. I don't know if I ever want her to be without one of us, if it can't be helped. We can't always help that, I know we can't, but if it's something in our control, I don't--I want." Vax paused, took in a breath, met Gilmore's eyes, and made himself speak plainly. "The most important thing to me is that Velora is never without one of us. If I disappear into some portal, I would rather you stay here and support her than come after me."
Gilmoreâs first response, both to the silence and to what Vax had actually said, was to tighten his hold just a bit. Vax had gotten so much better about saying what was on his mind and not getting bogged down in his emotions, and Shaun was so proud of him for doing it, but of course that was something that never truly went away. The hug served as an encouragement to keep voicing his fears, but also a reminder that he could take his time and Gilmore would wait, he would always wait.
âI want the same thing, you should stay with her,â he said, without any hesitation. He huffed a laugh then, a bit disbelieving at the entire thing. âIt feels so odd to say, doesnât it? If I thought you were in danger, of course, Iâd want to do anything to stop that and go to you, but we have other people to think about. Itâs Velora now and later, it will be our children and thatâs no different, I would want you to stay with them.â He kissed Vaxâs forehead and with his thumb, smoothed away one of the wrinkles that had formed not from age (of course not) but from the stress. âThere is nothing I wouldnât do for you, darling, no monster I wouldnât slay, no portal I wouldnât enter. It would be against all instinct to not go to you, but if was it me? Our children, all of them, deserve nothing less than to be protected and kept as safe as we can manage it.â
Vax could feel how the tension left his body. He had been so wound up, yet had hardly noticed as he'd been so stuck within his own mind.
There was a very good chance, he thought, that there were others that were having similar conversations with their loved ones. It was only natural. Those people might have come to different conclusions, but that was okay. There was no singular right way about this sort of thing, all anyone could do was what felt best for themselves and their family. And while Vax trusted the wizards and their friends beyond the home they shared with his life, this was the assurance that he needed for now. Maybe it would change, maybe this would be their forever policy when it came to whatever new and strange thing Vallo threw at them; Vax had never been good at predicting the future, which is why he was so glad he had someone like Gilmore to understand him and his need for these reassurances.
At the end of the day, though, they were both on the same page. Nothing was more important than Velora and their children--whenever those wonderful, chaotic additions to their lives joined them--being safe, happy, and whole.
"Okay," Vax sighed, his whole body going a bit boneless as he leaned against Gilmore. "Okay," he repeated. "It does feel odd, it goes against everything I'd normally want and feel, but--I knew you'd understand. You always do." He shifted then, pressing his lips to the nearest bit of the other man he could reach: this time his jaw. "I just needed to talk about it and hear it, you know?"
Shaun hummed his agreement, his fingers stroking through Vaxâs dark hair once again. âA part of the abilities I gained once I proposed,â he teased. âThe ability to understand. Or, at the very least, listen.â But he did understand in this situation, and even thought he understood something deeper than what Vax was letting on. Vax would always and forever put his family ahead of himself. Regardless of the situation, before there had been even the potential of their own children, before Velora, before Vallo, there was Vox Machina and Vex, and Vax standing in front of a death goddess telling her to take him instead.
Vax wasnât just saying âprotect them, for meâ he was saying âstay safe, for meâ, and Shaun fell in love with him all over again.
Because he was Shaun Gilmore, he took the opportunity to straighten out the mountain of blanketsâwhen they were that soft, they all tended to slide and puddle around each other. âAnything else on your mind now?â he asked, tone all fondness. âSince youâve woken me up at a time akin to torture? Magical items you want to torture me with? Questions about the degree and breadth of my love?â
Gilmore had always understood him, Vax thought; or, at the very least, he had always made him feel as though he was heard, that his words and stories mattered to him, that he mattered. When Vax had met Gilmore, he already had been wandering Tal'Dorei with Vox Machina for a long while and had been doing it even longer with Vex before them. He knew what it was to be valued, as he knew that his friends did in their own way, but it had felt different with Gilmore from the start. To have been lucky enough to see that be nurtured, through ups and downs and leading to this moment where he could seek comfort in the dead of the night from the other man, well. Fate-touched, indeed.
He turned in closer to Gilmore, taking the opportunity to press another kiss to his jawline--then another, traveling up toward his ear and then, well, one more for good measure. "I'm terribly sorry for torturing you at this hour," he teased, even knowing entirely too well how it really was a time akin to torture. "How you suffer."
Vax shifted again, looking Gilmore in the eye. Though the lingering worry wasn't entirely gone, it was accompanied by a twinkle in his hazel eyes as his concerns were both alleviated and shared with the man he was practically laying on top of. "I'll spare you this once, but I wouldn't say no if you wanted to wax poetically about your love for me anyway."
âSo benevolent, my love!â Shaun chuckled, and he would forever be glad that even with these serious, important conversations, that they could have this too, they could have jokes that they told each other over and over again, they could have laughter, that even with so much unknown they still had the familiarity of love and friendship. He would always hold on to that.
His fingertips skated from Vaxâs hair down the notches of his spine, a congrats of fragile bone and strength. That was like Vax himself. âWell, I could wax poetic, certainly I never need an excuse to do that, however I find myself suddenly full of vigor. I think Iâd much rather show you.â