vallo

Seasons greetings motherfuckers. Torunn's mead post reminded me that I wrote this last year:

As we near the holiday season, I'll remind you:

• Do not drink too much.
  • Because I know you will, as (most) of you are human and stupid, and drinking too much is how you demonstrate cheer without having to rely on creativity, when you drink too much and you are worried about getting home...
• Contact me to get you there safely.
• I am responsible, discreet, and used to having humans leak mysterious fluids of all kinds on me.
• I will ensure that you reach home without incident and will annoy you until you drink at least three glasses of water.
• Unless:
  • You want to talk about your feelings, my feelings, or some other person's feelings. I don't care.
  • You hit on me, flirt with me, or touch me inappropriately. I find human sexual interaction disgusting AF.
  • You insult me or behave rudely. I don't fucking put up with that. This is a free service. Behave like something better than your species.
  • Only the hockey humans may call me Murderbro. This is law.
• Thank you and stay safe.
  • Unless I don't like you, in which case, die in a snowbank.

It all still applies. Don't fuck yourself up this holiday season or I'll do it for you. And a happy New Year.

Yule/New Years/Because I Want Another Party celebration on December 31 at Ásynja Meadery. Throw sharp objects and be merry.

So as December hits, I'm reminded of the fact that there is a SMALL POSSIBILITY that, um, we're all getting thrown into a winter holiday Hallmark movie. Or, as it stands to reason given past instances, several winter holiday Hallmark movies.

What the fuck, you may ask?

Well, there's a reality altering witch among us (Hi, not you Wanda! ♥ There's others!) that's been looking for her special someone for the past few decades. She occasionally finds her wintertime beau and we'll get a couple of years of relative peace during this time of year. Since the Outlanders have arrived, we haven't experienced this phenomenon. However, sources (read: witchy gossip among the Ankou grannies) have told me that Ms. Hallmark just broke up with her bff of the last three years and so we might be in for it this year.

So what are we in for?

A town called Serendipity Hills appears for a few days. Some of us locals get pulled into it to live out fairly cheesy holiday movie tropes, while Ms. Hallmark tries to find her new Mr. Hallmark. Other than living out a few days of gazebo dates, winter bake offs, log cabin snowstorms, and fireplace romances, not much else happens. Serendipity Hills also shows up on our televisions as a show so we can catch the latest romances as they're happening. And from all past experience, everything that happens is something our inner selves want to have happen, it's just a little holiday love magic setting the mood. The locals that do get pulled in sometimes have new names and backstories, but at their core, are still themselves.

We've also found that the people that get pulled in want to get pulled in at some level, so it's become tradition to let it run its course. I got a girlfriend out of it a few years back. Ask me about my Hallmark persona. Also, trying to pull anyone out never works, so we simply don't try anymore. Does Ms. Hallmark need therapy? Probably. But I'm not the one to tell the reality altering witch what to do.

So head's up, weird shit might happen this month (as always), but it's fairly harmless. Do I have anymore answers than what I wrote here? No. Are there whole viewing parties dedicated to Serendipity Hills? Yes. Hit me up, I'll send you a list of the best ones if this does go down.

EDIT: Hallmark definition for the uninitiated.

On the topic of alcohol and making questionable choices. On special Friday through Sunday for December at Lux, I give you:

Christmas in Hell
3⁄4 oz Branca Menta
3⁄4 oz Becherovka
3⁄4 oz Cherry Liqueur
3⁄4 oz Lemon juice

LUCIFER
There are two of them now.

SABRINA
Let me know when you're up for company. I'll bring the ice cream.

[Texts to Katou]

» do you want to do the art project together?
» I know a couple of places that have some pretty intricate street art