Log: Lan Xichen and Temeraire WHO: Temeraire and Lan Xichen WHAT: Lan Xichen asks Temeraire's permission to begin a formal courtship of one Captain William Laurence. It does not go as he hoped. WHEN: A week or so ago WHERE: The Dragon Covert WARNINGS: None
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There was no reason to be nervous.
Lan Xichen was sure there wasn’t. By virtually any measure, even away from the vast influence and holdings of the Lan Clan of Gusu, he was an excellent match. He was a skilled cultivator, a well-mannered gentleman, an accomplished musician and artist, and considered good-looking by most anyone who had an opinion on the attractiveness of human men. He had wealth enough to be a contributing member of any household he might join with. Perhaps most pertinent of all, he loved William Laurence with both the giddy flutters of butterflies and the warm and solid grounding of the sun-warmed earth.
Lung Tien Xiang–Temeraire, as Laurence called him–had seemed from the start to approve of him. There was no reason for Lan Xichen to think his request would be met with anything other than approval. Nonetheless, he was still holding his breath as he bowed formally before the dragon.
“Good afternoon, Lung Tien Xiang.” Normally Lan Xichen addressed him familiarly, as A-Xiang, but the seriousness of the occasion demanded full names. “You honor me with this audience.”
“Good afternoon,” Temeraire replied, a little curious despite himself. “It is my pleasure.”
He was interested to know why Lan Xichen wanted to meet with him alone; perhaps, he thought, another gift for Laurence, although even the most self-important dragon in the world must surely admit that multiple paintings of one might be just the slightest bit overindulgent. He was glad that he had at least already fashioned, with Laurence’s help, his own way of making tea, by means of a large pot over a flame and a bulk package of the tea itself, which was apparently not nearly as dear here as it was at home. He needed someone to light the flame for him (this was the one circumstance he would admit that Iskierka might have been useful), but then he could serve himself as he liked all day. “Please help yourself,” he said, since he could not pour into a human-sized cup without spilling everywhere and likely missing the cup altogether. It was at least more hospitable than he could have been a few weeks ago, which was something to take some pride in.
Lan Xichen thought Temeraire was doing very nicely. They had similar ideas of what constituted appropriate hospitality, and Temeraire was clearly doing the best that could be expected with the resources he had available. He poured himself a cup of tea and sat in a very proper kneeling position before taking an equally proper sip and bowing his head in thanks to his host.
“I know this level of formality is unusual, but it is a formal request I come to make,” Lan Xichen said. “I would like to ask your permission, as the ranking member of Will’s clan in Vallo, to officially pay court to him in hopes that he may one day accept a proposal of marriage.”
Temeraire was surprised, perhaps more surprised than he had a right to be; automatically his ruff stiffened and went back. It wasn’t any personal objection to Lan Xichen, of course, who had been everything kind and polite, but marriage was a word he had rather learned to despise, where Laurence was concerned. “Oh,” he said, quite forgetting his manners, and scratched a little anxiously at the warm flagstones of the courtyard. “Well…”
It wasn’t the positive response Lan Xichen had hoped for, but it wasn’t an outright refusal, either. Well-practiced in the art of diplomacy, he neither lost control of emotions nor made assumptions.
“You have concerns?” he asked.
“Well…” Temeraire said again, not sure how to phrase his thoughts without giving offense - or whether he ought to be voicing them at all. “It is only… I am very glad, if you are going to stay with us and keep Laurence’s company, as I know he cares for you very much, but he has always said to me that he would not like to get married.”
That, he considered a little guilty, was not entirely true, not always; Laurence had after all once asked Jane to marry him, but he had promised Temeraire after that he was quite content without marrying anyone.
Lan Xichen had been prepared to answer any number of objections that a young dragon might have. He was prepared to promise that he would of course treat Laurence well and dedicate himself to Laurence’s happiness. He’d even been prepared to assure Temeraire that he would take up no more of Laurence’s time and attention than he did already. He was not prepared to address objections from Laurence himself—indeed, if he’d had any idea such a thing were likely, he never would have initiated this conversation in the first place. One should never propose courtship while uncertain of the feelings of one’s intended, and to discover he’d done so was as mortifying to Lan Xichen as it was heartbreaking.
“Oh. I see.” For the first time in Temeraire’s presence, Lan Xichen needed a few seconds to find the serene smile he usually wore and put it back in place. Then, instead of his usual staying to chat, he bowed politely and stood. “Thank you for your time, Lung Tien Xichen . I will not intrude upon it further.”
“But,” Temeraire said, awkwardly, interrupting the retreat. He was conscious that he was recalling a moment that Laurence himself did not remember, and he was not sure that was fair. Maybe a selfish, small part of him only hoped it was. “That was before he met you, after all. Perhaps he might… change his mind. But I am sure it is not for me to say.”
“I will speak with him,” Lan Xichen said, sounding much more steady than he felt. “Which I should have done before speaking to you,” he went on. “I know better than to make assumptions when your world and mine and the one we live in now are all so different from one another. Please forgive me.”
That was the sensible course: talk to Laurence before spiraling into the worst of his own fears and insecurities. Temeraire was right that Laurence was the one who should say how he felt about marriage–but shouldn’t he have said something when Lan Xichen raised the notion as they talked about living together?
But recalling it now, Laurence had said something. He said he thought perhaps he should offer marriage, but had decided to go ahead without it. When Lan Xichen said he would welcome such a proposal, Laurence had said they could remake any traditions they liked. Had he meant that as a polite refusal, and Lan Xichen had just been too smitten and optimistic to notice?
And of course it might even be worse than that. Lan Xichen had only meant to open a door when he mentioned that he would be open to living together, but maybe Laurence had felt shoved through it. Maybe this was Laurence pretending to like his green tea all over again, going along for fear of causing offense, and Lan Xichen was every bit as guilty of seeing only what he wanted to see as he had ever been.
“I do not see what is so preferable about marriage anyway,” Temeraire said, doing his best to soften the blow. “I have not met very many married people, but those who are seem hardly ever happy. If you are happy now, it seems not very sensible to change things… you are happy, are you?” he asked, suddenly worried, “you would still like to stay with us, here? I am sorry I would make it difficult for Laurence to live with you in Cloud Recesses,” he added. He was not sure that, if he had been raised in China, he would have liked to move to England. It could hardly be compared, if one did not have connections one valued more than one’s surroundings. He had to consider the situation somewhat similar, and he could certainly see how it might be difficult for Lan Xichen to leave the place where he was comfortable for the medieval castle by the lake.
Lan Xichen was taken a little off-guard by the question of whether or not he would still move. Would he? It would depend, he supposed, on what Laurence had to say when he talked to him and how he explained himself. Lan Xichen didn’t think he could bear discovering that he’d fallen in love with another man who would lie to him just to make things easier.
This conversation was not the place for all that, though. For one, those were things Lan Xichen knew he should discuss with Laurence before anyone else. For another, the last thing Lan Xichen wanted was to upset Temeraire, whom he never should have put in the position of having to talk about any of this with him.
“Do not apologize for your size, A-Xiang,” Lan Xichen said gently. “You are perfect as you are. I wish instead that Cloud Recesses were built with dragons in mind, so I could invite you to enjoy more than just the space outside. As for marriage…”
Lan Xichen wasn’t sure he had any place having this conversation with Temeraire, either, but he couldn’t just ignore everything the dragon had said about marriage. He ought to know why someone might want it, even if Laurence didn’t.
“I would want to marry because it is the greatest expression of commitment I could make to someone who is not a fellow cultivator, something I never would have been allowed to have with a man in the world I came from. I would like to be able to say to Will and to my family and to all of heaven and earth that we are family, that we love each other, and that we will share this life we have in all ways. But I only want all that if he does as well—because you are right, there are married people who are very unhappy, and I would never want to make Will one of them.”
Temeraire’s ruff softened at this. Laurence’s happiness was the most central focus of his life, and it was both strange and comforting to know that there was finally someone else who might care to anything like the same degree. Even Granby and the other aviators had been willing to leave Laurence behind in Japan when he had gone missing, which had lowered Temeraire’s opinion of them all, if he was honest with himself. He was quite certain now, in this moment, that Lan Xichen would not have left, would have come with him to help find Laurence, if he was there. He had always disliked the idea of sharing Laurence with anyone, but doubt flickered. “I do hope I have not said anything wrong,” he sighed. “It is so complicated with humans. Dragons rarely mate for life, and we may have eggs with whomever we like.”
Lan Xichen had learned the hard way to appreciate blunt honesty, and he’d had enough of polite veneers covering deceitful hearts. Better to know the trouble than not, he felt. He reached out to pat Temeraire’s foreleg to stop him worrying about it.
“You have said nothing wrong,” Lan Xichen assured him. “I am glad to know I need to speak more with Will about all this. I would always prefer to have the truth, even if it is difficult to hear.”
“Oh good,” Temeraire said, slightly relieved. “I think so as well; I do hate when people try to make bad news less bad by not telling any of the details. Not that this is bad news at all,” he amended hastily. “I was thinking of the time Laurence was shot in a duel no one would tell me until afterwards how badly he was hurt. And they wouldn’t let me kill the man who shot him either,” he muttered, still sore over it. “As though anyone could have argued with my right to to do so.”
It felt like bad news to Lan Xichen, but he could still accept that more readily than half-truth, omissions, or outright lies. He’d had his fill of those already.
“What was this duel called for?” he asked. He knew Laurence had a temper and that his culture had different rules around saving face, but Laurence didn’t often tell the stories around the trouble he’d gotten into. For the moment, Lan Xichen’s curiosity outweighed his desire to go fret alone in peace.
“Oh.” Temeraire tried to remember the details. He mostly remembered a horrible kind of blankness, not knowing if Laurence was dead or alive, and the crew running every which way trying to work out what had happened. “I think the man insulted the Emperor of China,” he said, uncertainly, “which is of course very offensive, as Laurence is the Emperor’s brother, but it were not as though it would have been an insult to me, as well, and I ought to have been invited if there were going to be a duel; Laurence said that would have been unfair, but I do not see how fairness matters, when everyone knew Laurence was a dragon captain to start with.” He sighed; it was a long time ago now, but the more he thought about it the more recent it seemed to become, and he found himself wondering where Laurence was at the moment and if he was well. “So you see I have some good reason to worry about his safety, no matter how much he promises to take care of himself,” he added. “I do not think it is excessive at all.”
“That is how my father felt about my mother,” Lan Xichen replied. He didn’t often speak of his parents, but in this case, the parallel was striking. “He loved her, but he did not trust her. For fear that she would be hurt, or that she would hurt another defending herself, he ordered that she be kept in seclusion. She had a house of her own at Cloud Recesses, with every comfort a person could ask for…but she was not happy, and neither was he. Safety is not always the most important thing for a person to have.”
Temeraire thought about this seriously for a moment. It was not an argument he had considered before now; certainly no other dragon who had a captain would ever have given it any merit, but he liked to think he was a little more mature and worldly than most dragons. He couldn’t help wondering for a second what he would choose if, for whatever reason, he had to decide between Laurence’s safety or his happiness. He had made a similar choice once before, on taking Laurence back to England after their shared treason, but he had been younger then, and he thought that even Laurence now might choose differently.
“I do want Laurence to be happy,” he said at last. “More than anything. But I am also glad that there are others who value him and his safety as much as I do. It is a weight off my mind.”
“I’ve often thought that is one of the best things about having a family,” Lan Xichen agreed. “We all share in taking care of each other, so no one is ever left alone in their troubles or their joys. I am glad to be included in that with you and Will, even if only in my heart rather than by law.”
He could only hope that Laurence felt the same. If it turned out that the nature of Laurence’s objections to marriage precluded that, Lan Xichen would be heartbroken indeed.